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In order to prevent my peers from trailing off in bordem I shall condense my story.
My parents had a very traumatic divorce resulting in jail time for father and abandonment from mother.
Bullied ar school due to anxiety (later diagnosed as Hyperthyroidism)
Friends treated me as a 2nd best.
I married for security and moved to remote location having two children leaving everyone behind me.
Finally diagnosed for hyperthyroidism and given radio therapy.
Now miss my friends and all I threw away as a result of my mental health.
I have met someone new who makes me feel really, really happy.
My wife is upset as she supported me for the last 8 years and know I want out.
I know I am responsible for her hurt but cannot help my new self.
I am finally confident in me and want more than a reclusive life. My wife likes this reclusive place.
Please don’t judge as I know I am horrid but just want to be happy.
Am I just rebounding? The new girl really makes my heart sing but I am not sure she feels the same.
Help me please and thanks in advance for anything said. Anything goes here xo please no moderation. PI am a Tiny Buddha forum newbie, but I need words of support, encouragement and insight anywhere I can find it.
As of tomorrow morning sans an 11th hour reprieve I will be homeless, my rock bottom. I am a 48 year old gay bi-polar male with a upper middle class upbringing, college education, gifted published writer, entrepreneur and flying trapeze student. One might say this should not have happened to me. But it did and I am the reason for this demise. I made many foolish choices and often made no choice at all. Becoming homeless is a culmination of these decisions and I am now faced with the greatest challenge I have ever had to face or hope to face.
I am fraught with worry, overwhelmed with anxiety and scared shitless. I am also mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted by the life I have chosen to live over the past 6 – 8 years. This is where the roller coaster in a tornado metaphor comes in. I have a hard on for living on the edge and the edge has been a dangerous self defeating precipice into an abyss from which I will not return if I go any further.
I know I don’t have to face this alone and that many others have hit rock bottom, learned, grew and became far better off for having gone through it. There you have it. I turn to you Tough Times forum for your insights and wisdom.
Thank you for listening and sharing your thoughts.
Kevin M
Hello Fellow Readers,
This is my first day in the tiny buddha community. I read some of your post and was totally amazed by the wisdom and life experiences everyone has shared. Thank you guys for sharing your beautiful and insightful experiences. Here is a little about me:-I recently came out of a somewhat emotionally abusive relationship. My boyfriend of almost 3 years left me after my consistent attempts to make the relationship work. We in a long distance relationship for almost 2.5 / 3 years. Things got really bad since past year or so. Here is a little synopsis of the past;-
One year into our relationship my boyfriend moved to a different city , following that, our fights got bigger and worse over minute things. Its like he became another person, that no longer wanted me in his life. One day I found out that there is a potential girl in his life that him and his family likes . I will be honest, I was jealous to the core. I felt really out of the loop not knowing whats going on. Afterall, I was miles apart from him. Over time this somehow took my trust away from him, I knew he was never sure about me ( our backgrounds were very different), he was never sure if he can be fully committed to me although he did say he loved me. Even though initially we would discuss things like .. getting married and making future plans, however he always fell short of making our relationship into something tangible. Every time I was around him I felt unwanted ( as if I am some sort of rebound till the next better person comes along in his life).
However, for me things were a little different, I was madly and head over heels in love with this guy, I saw a future with him, I don’t know what it was in him that pulled me so deeply and intensely. I saw a best friend that I thought if the times come I could rely on. However as timed passed by , he would bestow upon me, a lot of his own personal life expectations and failures. I was always criticized for being so ” imperfect”. I was still a student and didn’t really have my life together too. But so did he, I don’t think anyone should have a right to make another person feel inadequate, incomplete, full of flaws and just downright unworthy of love and attention. He did stick around me for some time, but that sticking around seemed like a chore to me. It was like he is there because he has some sort of obligation to be there. I felt this strongly over time because he was always so critical of me and my life and past experiences, this would create so much anxiety within me ( I always feared him leaving me for something he didn’t like, at that time I just wasn’t ready to let go of what I thought we could have together ) . He always made me feel more insecure in my own skin with each passing day because of something I lacked or because of some inherent flaw I inherited from my parents, or something I was incapable of … ( I have had a tough life growing up, so yes I did have my issues) But he always blew things out of proportion and related everything in and about me to my internal traits and character not to my tough circumstances. This was very disrespectful in my eyes.. I always tried to communicate with him but he had this tendency to always want to be right and he would go to far lengths to prove his point. I never felt heard in our time together. It was like as if I am trying to get through a person who doesn’t want to see where and how he could be hurting me, sure I believed in his constructive criticism but to outright kill someones self esteem but dehumanizing and ripping everything from their past tough life experiences to present is just pure evil.
I saw this coming from a long time, I was hurting me in the long run by staying with him, But I just couldn’t walk out. My self esteem and confidence after daily constant criticism about the most mediocre of things, made me feel so worthless. I went in depression and got highly anxious about everything and anything in my life.He never even cared to call me to end things when he broke, never picked up my calls. Just ended things over a text – can you believe 2.5 years of relationship and end it over a text ? How sadly is that. This very act made me feel and realize how little did I matter for him.
Sorry I know that was a read- but coming back to now- I have so much anger in myself towards myself for loving him so intensely. For refusing to listen to my friends and family and believing in him and our relationship. Now I anticipate my worst fears coming true, I fear that he will end up with that same girl his family likes. I know it shouldn’t matter to me who he ends up with, but unfortunately it does. Its eating me up inside, I need to let go and move on in my life. I see my days slip by day and night and I see myself so sad and betrayed as an observer too, sometimes I want to smack myself out of this trance of pain and anger. But it just pulls me inside. I don’t even know if this is making sense. I think about him and me in the past and I think about him and that girl in the future and it drives me towards insanity, pain and resentment. I don’t know what to do anymore.. any advise would help, I know you all have a lot of wisdom and experience and it helps to know there are others like me too
Topic: Child-like Curiosity
Wow. Checking in during a very interesting week. I’m sure many of you remember my posts about my now ex-boyfriend and the breakup that happened just 3 days ago. I must be doing something right, because instead of hurting… I’m calm, cool, collected and very relaxed. I also have this almost child-like curiosity about the whole thing. It’s like my mind is processing the million questions that I have at this point in an effort to seek to understand, so that I may be able to move on with my life in the most positive way possible and avoid mistakes in the future. It’s amazing… Especially since the time we broke up before this we were both completely sleep deprived for weeks and having serious anxiety attacks. I honestly have no idea how he is doing right now or what is going through his mind. I hope that he is okay. But it’s not for me to know, as we have a long way to go before we figure out if we can just be friends as we had both expressed an interest in being.
My mind is just spinning with questions though. It’s not like these are going to change anything…. though the questions popping into my mind are constant and unrelenting. Why could I never get him to leave the safety and comfort of his home to do things together just as a couple? Why did he avoid meeting me to talk when we broke up until he felt he had no other choice? (I had asked him to meet me then cut off contact). Is he really so detached that he feels like he can never love again? Is he afraid to connect with anyone again after losing what he thought was the perfect relationship (with another girl, one he had a stronger connection with than he knew was possible) a few years ago? How far would this have gone if I had been content to keep it casual? Did I make him happy? Did he truly make me happy? How will this work as friends if we are barely able to communicate? What happens next? How will his child react to all of this? Was this all about sex and not much more? Should I have put my foot down and told him that he needs to date me the last time around, rather than jumping back into a relationship? Why did he make me his girlfriend again if this wasn’t going anywhere? Was that supposed to be for my benefit or his? Why am I even questioning all of this?
Congratulations to the men reading these posts in the forum… for that right there is the female mind at work.
I’ve also been working on my own issues lately. I’ve been thinking about the type of people I tend to attract in life. Not the shallow, the soccer mom, the narcissist…
First group is the rare people that manage to gain a level of trust with me very quickly. I feel safe with these people very quickly… and tend to feel safer to withdraw into my own little world (I am a pisces after all… I could swim in my little fantasy world for months and be totally ok with that). I wish these people drew out more of my personality, but sadly I guess this is something I need to change in myself. These are the people I keep. That I feel bonded to on a level that I can’t communicate. People like him.
The second group is the people who do draw me out of my shell. I feel totally alive with these people, but I don’t tend to bond to them for long, as it seems to take a sociopath/someone really looking for something to gain something to do this. Every time I meet someone that pulls out the most of me, I end up hurt very badly in the end. Every time. My ex was the longest running second group I ever stayed with. As you can see, the experience scarred me for life. I met someone else like that just after my divorce… He turned into a stalker that threatened my life.
I wish I could open up more to group one. I really do. Because those are the people I cherish… but my emotions get the best of me, and I’m so afraid of losing them that I end up in a holding pattern with them… walking on eggshells. Paralyzed. Not knowing why or how to fix it.
I’m slowly figuring out what makes me tick and what I can do to change all of these patterns in myself. How to make it all come together. How to finally be the woman I really am… and get what I want out of life. If I had a dollar for every time someone said I am the perfect woman but they never fell in love with me… Geez. I’m seeking to understand so I may one day be understood and truly loved the way I need to be. Especially now, it’s springtime… I see all of these happy couples & people having babies & getting married… They have something I have never had. That thing. That love. They glow together. I want to glow too!
I’m meditating, practicing (beginner) yoga as I have time, focusing on work and spending time talking with friends about anything possible *other than* the breakup & the guy. I’m really trying here. It seems to be helping & my thought process is becoming clearer each day. Just call me the comeback kid. Hopefully this stays on the positive end and I don’t have a relapse. Of course… it is easier that we have not interacted since the breakup, except at work. Which is not in person. Thankfully. I’m great at separating work from my personal life.
Sheesh. Mind blown.