Hi Tee!

Thank you for your kindness. Definitely! I find it especially hard when my mood drops. It’s really easy to slip into a negativity biased mindset. And I’ve had difficulty doing gratitude journals then, usually giving myself the day off. But I’m trying to do it during difficult days too.

Yesterday ended up surprising me and being a more difficult day for example, because of pain and anxiety. Today is a more difficult day too because of pain.

Truer words haven’t been spoken. Well done on not blaming your body! This is something that I struggled with for a long time. It is not an easy feat. The truth was that my body has been through a lot at a fairly young age and it breaking down was inevitable because I didn’t look after it properly.

If you have any insights you would like to share about the mind and the body connection and things that you find helpful please feel free to share them. If desired. Of course, it’s fine if you don’t want to. ❤️

Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️

Dear Anita,

” (1) by using the word cleaning, do you mean that F referred to any sign of you (your words) such as your backpack, your shoes being .. dirt? If not, what did you mean by cleaning?”

He called the conversations “house cleanings.” He said cleaning as if “clearing” the air. Or, clearing his perceived air… He used those times to get everything off his chest that I had done to not show gratitude, such as leaving my stuff out, a dish in the sink or not talking with him enough when he got home from work. At one point it also bled in to how I treated his girlfriend, I made a comment about age that I don’t remember and apparently it hurt her feelings and she told him, he told me I was unaware at those house cleanings, unaware of what might hurt his girlfriends feelings even, all the things I was “unaware” of.

2) “we have to talk, there have just been too many things piling up. I just don’t understand why you do these things, why can’t you be more thoughtful of me. I have done all of this for you and you don’t even acknowledge it. You could acknowledge it by having a meal ready for me if you had free time, or at the very very least have your things cleared. Infact I think you should start to cook around here since you have so much freetime to sit around and watch your shows. That shouldn’t be too much of a sacrifice for you. (does she have any awareness? does she care about be at all? why doesn’t she understand how to be grateful, she must not even see what I am doing for her. But oh she’s crying, maybe she does have some emotional awareness, she sees that I am hurt and seems to understand and not want me to. maybe things will change). Let’s come up with a plan.”

– his plans involved inspiring me to cook for him or clean, but the plan would always start to dwindle away, I think cause it wasn’t my true self, once the inspiration he temporarily gave me to care for him in this manicured way I would stop, then a month later would be the next house-cleaning. They were just about every 3 months.

Seaturtle

Hi Anita,

My sincere gratitude to you for taking the time to go over my responses again and responding.

Sorry for responding lately, I’ve been feeling a little under the weather. I will read this and reply tomorrow – but I cannot deny what you’re saying!

Hola Tee,

Did you feel some competition with him? Did your father compare you to him? Because I was thinking that perhaps one of the reasons you didn’t have many friends is that your father stressed competition, he was always comparing you to other kids, and perhaps that’s why you didn’t like them or you felt resentment towards them?

Well Since Primary school to High School I was a top student. So not really competition there and as soon as I got in college and more like nearly adult-teenage era I started seeing competition. And it was so bad like I felt all at once and started studying something just because it was considered “In Demand” But I had no interest and on top of that I felt competition from the classmates like they knew what they’re doing and also topping the class. And for the first time ever I had less marks in 2 subjects in my 1^st semester. And failed in math in 2^nd semester, And Even though I knew that I didn’t gave it my all it felt so bad.. Yet still I continued for 4 semester and then decided to leave the collage and directly start working. Because even though my father and grandfather didn’t told me on the face I did knew they were disappointed because they felt like we are paying your for your living and college in the city and you’re not giving us the “results”. And the thing is that I would be able to ask my father like I don’t like this degree and I want to do another degree that I like but I didn’t wanted to be burden at all. So I started working and living on my own. First they said no you won’t be able to do it but after a month or so they agreed with me because I told them little later. There has been many times I had to lie to my family just for example when I didn’t had a job I didn’t said anything to my family for months. And even helped them financially even though it put me in debt.

Right, because the love you’ve experienced from your father was very conditional. He only showed you love when you were the best in class – everything else was not good enough. Whenever you made a mistake (like when handing him the wrong tool), he didn’t show you love. So… his love was very conditional.

I’d say your mom’s love was limited, same as my father’s, because they didn’t protect us. They gaslighted us and minimized the problem. That too wasn’t a strong, unquestionable love, the kind of love you can really trust.

Because if I understood well, your mom showed you love and tenderness when you could forgive your father and be “mature” about it, but she was sad and worried when you couldn’t, right? In a way, she was sending you the message that you are only acceptable if you forgive and endure your father’s abuse… (I am not claiming this, please correct me if I am wrong).

Yes it was may be conditional even though all I thought parents love is always unconditional towards their children but I guess there always some expectations. But It did impacted my emotional patterns like for giving or even accepting love.
Yeah about my mom that maybe right and it kinda have adverse effect too. With pros and cons. I don’t get angry and react harshly at the moment also turned out to be very forgiving nature, but as a cons I don’t raise my voice when I should, which is really important thing in career you know

I guess I did hear things like that in my teenage like “people are just there for their means”

Did your parents use to say that?

My grandfather preciously. My grandfather was like in village head group. So he seen lot of people in lot of situations. He did helped lot of people though. But after a while he be like “people are there for their means” when they forget.
And the thing is it impacted me somehow but not on a deeper level. I still believe I should help people if I can and don’t expect anything from them in return. Even gratitude. I’m doing it just because I can and I want to. Even though I been around colleagues who thought that uplifting others means they would stay in lower class

If we get attached, and the person leaves us or betrays us, it hurts more.

Yeah I guess the one of my fear too, and like hurt how many more times until find the right person? Seems scary

For example, if we felt conditionally loved, we may believe that our partner will only love us if we earn enough money. Or they will only love us if we are perfect, if we never show any weakness.

Hmm that’s right but don’t you think it should be something like in levels? Eg. Like I can’t expect my partner to focus on their fitness if I myself is lazy. And I know normally money shouldn’t be the scale but from the current generation it is somewhat seen respectable. Because it shows hmm this guys knows his financial and he can provide. It’s kinda natural instinct for them.

Does loving hard mean to work hard on the relationship? To have a relationship which feels like a project?

Maybe loving hard also means that you need to work hard to be lovable? That you need to be successful, so she would love you (she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good)?

Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too. Like I would force her to sleep on time because less sleep would affect her mood next day. I always tried to surprise her, write for her and make her happy and noted even little things that would make cause her pain. And even accepted lot of things that I wouldn’t usually accept. Like no video calling for a very long time and just text. So yeah I was kind of perfectionist towards her. But another thing is I didn’t do it to impress her. But I felt I wanted to do it because I cared for her a lot.

Dear Anita,

Hope this message finds you well! Very sorry for my long absence. Thanks for checking out on me. I think I am in a better headspace now to talk about this.

About values, I did an exercise a few weeks ago where I needed to categorize all the values I found relevant into four sections and then take one value from the each section. The values I came down to are- Success, Personal Development, Well-Being and Growth. But I feel this is not the complete thing and I need to do more work to develop better perspectives.

Regarding goals, I tried to think on this topic in one of the entries of my gratitude journal. Here is what I could come up in terms of concrete goals- 1)researching in my areas of interest as an academician, 2)contributing to my field through my work, 3) developing a solid knowledge base, 4)personal and spiritual growth, 5)engaging with literature through publications and reading books 6)spending time with and being around my friends and loved ones. How to develop a greater sense of purpose and develop a better approach towards the core component of my life?

Also, I would like to ask you about mindfulness. How can one apply it for anxiety and intrusive thoughts as well as for overall wellbeing?

Thank you

Dear Tommy

Thank you for understanding the situation in an apt manner. That’s why I don’t want to let these thoughts consume myself, and even though I am trying to release the what if thoughts, it’s happening easily. I meditate every day and maintain a gratitude journal, which help me to a great extent. What mindfulness techniques do you think can be useful when I begin to spiral in my intrusive thoughts.

Thanks

Anita,

“I wish you had in-person/ irl emotional support right now so that N does not seem to be your only option for irl comfort, and so that you don’t make a decision to contact him out of desperation.”

Yes me too. I think this is a particularly vulnerable time for me being sick and having to worry financially, when N would have my back if I was sick. He was kind and would tell me not to worry about the money right now and just to get better. Later I would probably regret having needed him, which is how I would also feel if I asked my dad.

“- You are having a difficult time, Seaturtle, in multiple ways. Can you ask your father for financial help, since he has plenty of money?….And are you taking care of yourself physically/ did you see a doctor on zoom or whatnot?”

He would lend me money if I asked but it would come with strings, and I would feel obligated to act in a certain way towards him again so that he felt gratitude for it. He has lofty expectations for gratitude, ways that I have to behave around him that can involve hatch in her cage…

I have not seen a doctor because I have had this sickness before and have been self medicating, but I have been taking care of myself best as I can. Drinking fluids, eating protein, showering, painting. Today I think I will attempt some yoga floor work at home that does not hurt my knee.

Seaturtle

[quote quote=396499]There are two purposes to life: to live and to love. It’s when we start thinking we have to live up to some imagined competition that we get into trouble. If you are living a lie, you need to own up to it and speak your truth. You need to fully accept your life as it is, your feelings as they are, and commit to living an honest, humble life. You need to be grateful for everything, every day. If you feel your life is pointless or joyless, it is because you are blind to the reality of what you life is and what life is offering you. I think digging into your past can sort of be a waste of time. Here is a letter I read elsewhere, and he much more eloquently and patiently expresses what I just said. Hello my friend, My name is Wind in Vietnam. I would like to gently share some ideas and questions with you. Everything I share is only to invite your curious quiet contemplation within yourself. If you choose to. After share, everything depends on you to choose this or that. Sometimes the door to escape all troubles and suffering is so close my friend, but what blocks each people from walking through it? Because though they may say, They Know. They understand. They can not give up their story that binds them inside to an illusionary self created prison to practice everything. I share.. When was the last time you sat down face to face with yourself and everything in your life before you ran to old habits for an imagined temporary feeling of safety? Do you think that when the Death appears, it will care about all your study, wanting, hoping, needing, anxiety, depression, worry, your dreams… and show compassion and time with you?.. Do you think ‘the time’ is beside you like the friend, waiting with you in all your suffering and wanting? Suddenly the Death appear, do you think you can hold and bring all your PhD, doctorates, dreams, worry, anxiety, tablets, wishes and wants through the door?.. The Death care about your study? You are important with the time and Death? My friend… questions are for you to patiently face and contemplate if you choose to. Why the difficult question has value? Because from the question creates occasion for everything to open. Now you are the man of 42. Can you answer, what is the law that controls each and every Soul that comes to the life? Why at 42 you are still here but many did not even get past one hour of life?.. What law controls? A story.. One day the man plants a fruit tree in the ground.. A special tree he chose. He like so much. He dreamed of the tree becoming so big and beautiful and many fruit. Each day he water, take care.. Always checking every day its height. The leaves.. Everyday he watching, wanting it to grow. He begins impatiently. Inside him he sees the imaginary tree so big. He begin praying to make it grow and everything will be ok. Inside, he begin all sorts of suffering in the wanting. He can not sleep, always checking, worry something wrong.. He think, why not growing? Is it sick? Too slow, too slow…. My friend… In this small example story.. Did you see you? What is the mistake of the man? His mistake is he did not see that the tree must follow the law of tree. That everything takes place according to the Law and on the time, with enough details and conditions, everything appears. Not early or late, but on the time. What is the cause of the suffering? From grasping in imaginary outcomes. In each imaginary outcome from grasping at what is or not and what if… Each person did become like the man running through the desert trying to keep a piece of ice in their hand. The door to escape is to drop all grasping in the wanting. Have you ever tried to catch the space around you in your hand? You will only most certainly tire yourself out. From imagine, everyone did invite the appearance of all kinds of illusionary trouble and sickness. Now you are the man of 42.. You good mind, study.. do everything for your life.. But you did not understand anything about yourself. And the purpose of the life. Means, in the grasping, you mistake with you. What is the nature and root purpose of any job, from a President to a Beggar? Only to earn for ones life. Everything else is only the appearance. And so.. when we lose ourselves to the appearance of the life, we begin to lost ourselves inside. Whether the man is happy with the tree growing or angry with the tree not growing does not change the Law of tree. So what happens inside the effect or grasping and wanting? You lose yourself to your emotions that become like strings controlling a puppet. From your dominating emotions attached to the grasping, you volunteer your Soul into slavery. You lost the time becoming attached to the prison of KEEPING. Keeping false ideas, thoughts, opinions, fears.. That develop into all kinds of different names.. My friend.. Each persons life is like the fruit tree. And the name of the law that controls each tree is the cause and effect law. No one can know what fruit will or will not appear until it appears. Fruits equal effects. Behavior is the most important detail. Behavior with yourself in each moment. As each idea, thought, action becomes the seeds for effects tomorrow or another time. But no matter what.. effects always come right without discrimination. So from your grasping, your wanting of this and that… What will be your effect you invite? Stay in the purpose of your purpose and cut the habit of grasping. And……….. Everything will take place. Relax with your life. The life. How is too relax? Relax means to see everything as it is and accept everything as it is now. You see that like the tree, the life is always moving and changing on the law. That all possibilities appear on the time. You either begin wake up and practice to create space inside by removing all false obstructions, for these possibilities to have the right conditions to grow and develop.. Or… from your grasping in fears, desires of imagine.. of wanting.. you grow weeds that suffocate the space inside. My friend.. No one can imagine that all they need is the courage to NOT KEEP. KEEP, may have many different appearances but the effect is always the same. As, what you keep, keeps you. Now at 42… You must (must means if you choose to) begin wake up and see the limit of all things and the deeper value of the life. Even if I wrap my body around the tree in fear or happiness.. Does not change the Law of tree. I borrow an example from early in my life to describe idea… As my Father died.. when he knew he was going to die at 26.. He said, ‘It’s ok’ Inside Its ok, has the big lesson my friend past the appearance. Means, inside the nature of Its ok, is a complete acceptance of ones life. Its ok mean, we are not against the circumstances of our life. We accept everything that is or is not and peace and balance in any situation that comes or not come. My friend.. from 2 small words you can see the great value if you can quietly inside and put the idea beside your life. Whether the job appears now, or a year.. Its ok my friend. You only stay in good purpose, good behavior with yourself in each moment. You do everything good in prepare and courage and confidence in each step… Then you will see, that everything will take place. Must courage to get of the wheel of habit like the mouse run and run.. But did never go anywhere. The wheel of always a slave to emotions. And begin see everything from another corner. The space of awareness. Awareness burns the dark inner clouds of emotions. The life has many appearances.. but all suffering regardless of the appearances come back to the emotional attachment to grasping in the life. Not one tablet, not one worry, not one moment of lost sleep, not one imagined outcome… can add one second to your life my friend. I have… I am.. I want… are all small prisons for the Soul. All attached to emotions…that run deep like the roots of a tree. Begin to overcome yourself by opening your hands with the life. Begin practice gratitude in each action. as gratitude creates the space for balance in the acceptance of your life. The value only appears in the positive action. All your fears, are the effect from your View. As by the view you use, so it exists exactly. Grasping in the appearance of imagine, dominated by emotions we become like a person searching for keys in a dark room. Where is the light my fiend? The light is your awareness. Awareness needs energy. You have awareness but not the energy because your so busy with your emotions, which are like a thief that continuously robbed you in broad daylight but you did not see. These words can not save you. Do not attach to the words but focus on the content inside. As……Only you can save you or destroy you. So I share.. You must courage to begin drop all grasping. Drop all grasping does not mean we lost purpose. But inside the purpose we see the limit of the life. Of all things. The movement of the life. We see at the same time, that the purpose of the life is to pay and receive equal with our cause and effect. To practice to grow up our Soul and awareness and overcome everything. To release the grasp on illusionary objects and outcomes that become our false idea of real and continue to lead the soul deeper into confusion. My friend.. Now at 42… If you can quietly with ideas. You have the great occasion before you. The life always has 2 faces… That is the law of the physical space we live. When everyone stands in happy, means sad waits. Everyone says, I love, means hate waits. Everything feels so good, means the face of bad waits.. All from emotions attached to a discriminative View. When you have the courage my friend to face to face with YOU. You life. Not an imagined life from, WHAT IF. And begin fresh steps towards putting everything down inside. Letting go of all grasping attached to false thinking and ideas. Put down the inner discriminations and judgements of everything is either good or bad and just see everything as it is.. And practice inside the idea of ITS OK. You can not imagine… the possibilities that will begin to appear inside. They were always there… just like the Sun is always bright.. even when obstructed by dark clouds. Now is the good time for you to begin forget an imaginary past and bring your eyes back into your own eyes to see everything that is right now. To awake in each step. I share from sincere experience. You must choose. You continue to push up your story of difficult to be your illusionary prison of real. Lost in the circle of talking and repeat. Or… you begin focus on clearing and cleaning everything inside and put down your attachments to wanting. Begin the courage to break up everything. Like a fire burns a forest of all dead wood and creates the fresh occasion for the new to appear. Everything wait for you my friend. The life wait for you. Your possibilities wait for you. All you need to practice is to release your strangle hold on all your grasping and wanting and needing and imagined outcomes and come back to yourself in sincere acceptance of NOW. Once there was this Lion. She had a cub. She was starving and the cub too. Each day she was hunting but kept missing. After miss, she just rested quietly under the shade.. wait for tomorrow.. days passed.. she kept missing.. starving.. But, after miss.. always relax in shade. Save energy. On the time, when everything connected.. She caught they prey. Her situation change. Like you my friend.. Do not scare… Must courage to peace in the unknown. peace in the uncertainty. Courage in the not knowing. Drop all grasping. So.. on the time when all the right right conditions and details appear.. You are ready with the energy you need to do everything equal with the occasion. Confident. Balanced. Faith from your positive actions. Its ok. Everything will take place. It is your duty to overcome you. That is the duty of the man to overcome everything. My friend.. These ideas should only be seen like strange rocks on the path of your life. To curious, to see, pick up, understand and practice is always your free choice. As each life, depending each person courage to self perfect = each destination. I wish you good luck. Thank you so much, Wind.[/quote] hello are you still active on this site