Dear Shookie, My Friend:

“The tree is mine & he says it’s his.  When he gets back it will belong to the wildlife“- are you afraid a bit of the neighbor’s reaction when he finds out that you cut the tree he claims to be his (partly on his property?) Or are you more afraid of another lightening?

“I have many nests for the animals which have been since before my mother passed.  I have seen several red foxes & their kits.  Two mama skunks with her babies…  I have a deer feeder, which of course, the mean neighbor does not like.  It’s my property. … I prefer animals over most people… I Love Stash, Izzy and Takeda so much.  Since I stopped letting them go outside they have turned into Luv bugs“-

My little study this Mon morning- From better help. com/ people who love animals more than people (I am adding the boldface and italic features):  “In this article, we’ll take an in-depth look why it sometimes feels like we care more our pets more than our next-door neighbors…Spending time with a pet has been found to lower blood pressure, reduce stress hormones, and release chemicals that trigger relaxation even when there’s a lot on your plate. As mentioned, pets also increase social support, which has been found to improve cardiovascular, endocrine, and immune function. Overall, pet owners are just healthier (both physically and mentally) than those who don’t own pets”!
<p dir=”ltr”>From being human. org/ what do you call a person who loves animals more than humans: “1. Animals give us unconditional love. They don’t care about our flaws or mistakes; they love us just as we are.  Whether a dog wagging its tail or a cat purring on our lap, their affection for us is pure and genuine. This kind of love and devotion is hard in human relationships. 2. They are very appreciative… for even the smallest acts of kindness.  Be it a treat, a gentle touch, or spending time together, they often display gratitude and respond with affection and happiness… 3. Animals don’t judge you. They don’t care about our social status, wealth, or appearance… 4. Innocence and Simplicity…They have a purity and naivety that is refreshing in today’s complex and often cynical world… 5. Unlike humans, animals aren’t always asking for something. They don’t have hidden agendas or ulterior motives. They are content with simple pleasures like food, shelter, and love. And this can be attractive to individuals who find relief in relationships without constant requests or obligations.  6. They protect us…The protective nature of animals can create a deep sense of trust and reliance, leading to a preference for their company over humans. 7. Animals are gentle... From a kitten’s soft purr to a rabbit’s warm snuggles, animals have a calming presence that can make even the most stressful day disappear.  Animals often exhibit kindness, tenderness, and a lack of malice, which appeals to individuals seeking peace and harmony. 8. They are loyal. Loyalty is something many people cherish and look for in relationships. Animals, particularly pets, are known for their unwavering loyalty… 9. Animals can calm us down. The presence of animals has a calming effect on human beings. Interacting with animals, petting them, or simply being in their company can reduce stress and promote relaxation. 10. Lack of Expectations. Human relationships often come with a set of expectations and complexities. In contrast, relationships with animals are often more straightforward”.</p>
<p dir=”ltr”>I’d like to be more of these things (words taken from the above article): to love people just as they are, with no preference for some over others because of social status, wealth and appearance; to express pure and genuine, innocent and simple affection, to be straightforward (to have no hidden agendas or unexpressed motives, no demands…  no unnecessary complexities when interacting with people); to be appreciative for the smallest acts of kindness; to find contentment in the simple pleasures of life; to protect others and be loyal, to promote the trust of others; to be gentle, kind, and tender; to promote peace and harmony (no malice); to have a calming effect on people.</p>
Back to your recent post: “I am learning to appreciate the life I had growing up instead of thinking about just getting older.  I realized I had the best parents I could have asked for & an exciting life and fun jobs…  Memories stay with you forever & it makes me so happy.  I hope you are happy and doing well“- it makes me happy to read that you are happy. Your happiness promotes my own!

anita

I am grateful for student loans, that are providing me with housing and higher education to give me a better life.

I am grateful for the wisdom I have found in my past experiences and in my present.

I am grateful for the kindness and compassion I have found in people.

I am grateful that I can experience true gratitude.

Dear Jamie,

you are most welcome, glad I could help.

It honestly amazes me that they did not stopped at criticizing the other people from the destroyed online community, but pretty much everybody else in their lives, too. Now that I’ve actually stop and thought about it over these past couple of days, I realize that they were the type to complain about their own family members, neighbors, people they work or go to school with, and so on. To them, if you’re not also this moody badmouther who hates anything peaceful or joyful, then you’re someone worth criticizing, and… honestly, you’re right. It was toxic. It is toxic.

Yes, it does seem toxic. Because it seems the only thing these people ever did was criticize. They were chronic complainers.

And so no wonder that when you started feeling better about yourself (when I became happier and happier in general… as time went on and I slowly found my self-esteem rising as a result of personal healing), they started attacking you and criticizing you.

Because they didn’t want to do what you did: take responsibility for your own life and healing. They didn’t want that – they wanted to keep blaming the world and outer circumstances. You were a reminder to them that things could be different – if they make an effort. But they didn’t want to, and so they started blaming you.

You said one of them specially resented you because she felt you were more privileged, and so she was jealous of you. That’s really bad when people focus only on what they don’t have, instead of being grateful for what they do have (they felt they had nothing to have gratitude over).

But again, I’m happy we did not worked out ultimately because I don’t want to be as unhappy as they are.

Great! I am happy too that you didn’t make amends with them and agree to follow the “poor me” narrative and blame everyone else…

The thing that helped me most was visualizing myself being able to talk to my younger versions and being like a mother figure to them, since I essentially grew up without one around me (emotionally speaking).

Being a good, loving mother to your inner child is a great practice! If you’re doing that already, I don’t have anything special to recommend. I too grew up without an emotionally supportive mother, so giving my inner child the love and appreciation was what helped me a lot…

I wish I could have figured everything out by now, but sadly life is never that simple or always goes according to my personal timetable.

I get the feeling that you’re still quite young, so you couldn’t have possibly figured out everything by now 🙂 In fact, we learn till we’re alive, so…

I was once the fool one too many times with people who pretended to be wounded just so I could help them, and all so they could take advantage of me in other ways.

I see… you wanted to help people, and then they took advantage of you? Perhaps you were attracted to this toxic group too, because you felt sorry for them and wanted to help them (since they were complaining so much), but then they turned against you?

I’m still not sure on how to look out for predators like that, though I feel more protective of myself naturally now than back then, thankfully.

If you find yourself only giving and not receiving anything, or receiving just breadcrumbs in a relationship – that’s one of the red flags. We can talk more about it, if you’d like to. I am glad that you feel a bit more protective of yourself nowadays…

Hi Jamie

Your posts are well written and articulate. It seems to me that within your writing are also your answers? “I enjoy writing” that could be a great place to explore?

Happiness, one of those words with so many associations, something we so badly want to grasp and cling to, where the grasping and clink transforms it into something else… usually not happiness.   The word certainly comes with a lot of baggage let alone when we add the word ‘BUT’.  I want to be happy, but….

I’ve often used that phrase in the past. I want to be happy… but… but I’m afraid to be… but I don’t think I deserve to… but life isn’t how it should be, could be, if only (ego, control)… but I don’t want to be disappointed when the moment of happiness passes….. Have you ever wondered about this one?  I want to be happy… but what if I’m happiest when I’m unhappy?

We are complex simple creatures.  Of course all these notions are stories, perhaps at some level illusions of our own creation. Stories we tell because at some time they are/were useful to us but perhaps now are habit. (A practice of meditation and contemplation can help detach from our habit of thought.)

The task, as you are engaged in, is to look past the stories and words to get to a place where you are (you are never not thier), and from that place find a way to say YES. Yes to yourself, your situation, your emotions, your thoughts, non of which are you. Those are just things you get to experience. The good and the bad, experiences with labels that don’t exist in a world that is non-dual and everything is connected.

If I may a comment on your statement: ” We don’t need to be kind and loving to toxic people, to people who abuse us and put us down. Instead, we need to set boundaries with them. Likewise, we don’t need to be kind to selfish, self-centered people, who only care about themselves. You can be kind and loving, but wisely, with boundaries.”

Just something I noticed  with your conclusion “You can be kind and loving, but wisely, with boundaries”.  Implies that creating healthy (wise) boundaries is a act of love and kindness for oneself and the other even those that have hurt us (the other is also ourselves) to which I agree and suggest a path  to become unstuck from your question? To set healthy boundaries with your thoughts, your past, your hopes… is a loving act you can gift yourself? ( Boundaries that don’t require labeling, if only’s , should of, could of… toxic, selfish…. One can set healthy boundaries without labeling)

Happiness I think, like Joy, isn’t something we create but a  something in a moment we get to sometimes experience and if we are wise express our gratitude for, breath in, breath out…

Happiness not something we want (desire) but create space for, no but’s… a extra place setting at the table if you will.

I hope you keep writing

Dear Quant

I note you describe this lady as kind, easy going but also  a liar & flirty diva. You are also  spoke of the emotions of jealousy & hate  aroused  around her “gifts” & lack of gratitude of them.  Do you envy lots of people & their situations or just her?

One set of advice is to look back and see if you have been obsessive about anything else in your life ie a favorite toy or book and now years later that particular object no longer holds your attention and so this too will pass especially if you turn your attention to doing something worthwhile like volunteering.

Another advice to help bring her down off the pedestal that you have put her on  is the phrase” just like me …… she experiences tiredness. sadness. hunger, loneliness & will experience sickness old age & death.

Hi Sprteflower – I like that username – what led you chose that, and did you intentionally leave out the i – sprite  – a small being, human in form, playful and having magical powers? (I wonder if its not time to embrace a little of the sprite in only to see what ‘powers’ such play might revel?)

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality. – Seneca

Thanks for sharing your story.

Your post reminded me of something I read long ago

If you have a nagging feeling that you do no measure up to the person you imagine you ought to be, the generic label for what you feel i shame. We have shame when we persistently feel that we are not acceptable, maybe unworthy, and are less than the good person we are supposed to be. Shame is a vague undefined heaviness that presses on our spirit, dampens our gratitude for the goodness of life, and slackens the free flow of joy. Shame is a primal feeling, the kind that seeps into and discolors all our other feelings, primarily about ourselves but about almost everyone and everything else in our life as well. 

Shame can get us in touch with the most beautiful part of ourselves, a warning we that we are becoming a person we do not want to be, But shame is often an unhealthy feeling of un-worth that is distorted, exaggerated, and utterly out of touch with our reality. Most of us carry both kinds of shame – shame we deserve and shame we don’t deserve.  – L B Smedes

Reading through your post I suspect the shame your experienced is undeserved yet in holding on to this undeserved shame it is also a warning that it is this holding onto this undeserved shame that is leading you into being the  person you do not want to be.  The irony of being caught in a loop of being ashamed about being ashamed, trap I can relate to.

You mention – My path has been successful from the outside – suggesting that you have overcome the objective experiences of your past, a indication that you will continue to do so and to which you should give your self more credit. It seems it is the inner stories you are telling yourself that you can’t get past. In other words its possible that its language that is keeping you stuck in undeserved shame.

A meditation practice I like is creating space and stillness as I remind myself that I am not my thoughts, there are thoughts, I am not my memories, their are memories, I am not my emotions, thier are emotions, I am not my past, the past has past, I am not the words I use to tell my stories, there are words. The map is  not the territory, and words are not the things they can only point to, there is no requirement that I hold on the them.

<p lang=”en-US”>“You likely have parts of your own history you’d rather forget, same as I do. But when I actually wrote these things down, when I got up close and personal with them—yes, there was pain, and yes, there was hurt—by giving them a name, I stripped them of their power. And what I learned is that lies (undeserved shame) will always be worth fighting against. Because what you’re left fighting for is the truth, and that is the most freeing thing in the world.”
― Joanna Gaines, The Stories We Tell: Every Piece of Your Story Matters</p>

Hi Dave,

Work hard on those things she’s concerned about: 1) your negativity…get to the bottom of why you’re negative and fix that, 2) your tendency to allow her to take the lead on things…time to correct this too. 3) communication issues 4) not having independent interests/hobbies, 5) your defensiveness…maybe she’s looking for you to take ownership of some things.

It’s like you said, decide to be the best version of you that you can be. Individual therapy can help you achieve this.  Make the big changes in yourself! Decide to become a genuinely more more positive person (a gratitude journal can help), have your own healthy hobby that you do independently from her, communicate effectively with her, start taking the lead on things, be less defensive. It takes time. Be patient. Work on improving yourself every single day. Show her how important she is to you.

B

Hi Lorn

Hang tight! I know the perfect person to ask for advice about this. They’ve overcome their issues with desires. I’m sure they’ll be able to give some feedback tomorrow.

It sounds like the habit is pretty engrained and deeply associated with sleep. It would probably take a lot of time and effort to adapt to a new bedtime routine. Please be patient with yourself.

I would suggest reading some information about sleep hygiene and developing a routine that suits you.

Anxiety was a problem for me at bedtime. Over the years I’ve used different techniques.

Meditation might be better used at night once you’re more confident in your practice. It might be an idea to meditate during the day while developing the skill.

Non-repetitive music and melatonin (careful not to overdo this one though) helped me during periods of insomnia. Eventually, I developed an anxiety reducing routine. Lighting a scented candle, music on, grab a soft toy to cuddle. But anything that helps you relax and / or reduces anxiety could be helpful in a sleep hygiene routine. Nowadays, I do progressive muscle relaxation, a gratitude journal and meditation. For difficult nights, I find audiobooks helpful.

Hi Eric

When there are no special occasions you can always ask her out on a date and perhaps do some activities.

Realistically, this is your first relationship and it might end. But it is just the way these things are. Very few people stay with their first partner forever. This is an opportunity to learn about relationships and enjoy your time together. You may have other relationships afterwards, or you never know you could grow old together.

The issue is that in your anxiety you blame yourself. Instead of it being a normal part of life. It sounds like there is a belief that any hypothetical break up would be your fault. As you put it, for not being good enough.

I can understand this, I’ve also dealt with my own feelings of insecurity in relationships.

I don’t know about stopping the anxiety. But learning to live with it and manage it, so it causes you less pain are more achievable goals. These things do take time, so you will have to be patient with yourself and these feelings.

It would be possible to change the way anxiety expresses itself. For example, I used to be afraid that my partner would leave me and blame myself similarly. But now I don’t blame myself it has turned into a less frequent less painful thought that one day we might not be together for some kind of inexplicable reason.

How I changed was by regularly writing down the ways that I’m a good person until my beliefs about not being good enough changed. I worked on changing myself and becoming someone that I actually like. I learned to treat myself kindly as opposed to blaming myself all the time which is a form of self abuse. Meditation was extremely helpful too because it helped me learn to quieten my thoughts. Practicing gratitude helped me to develop a more positive attitude.

Would you like to try writing a list about what makes you a good boyfriend? You could write down anything you do with the intent of nurturing the relationship.

I can start you off with some examples.

You are thoughtful and plan ways to develop the relationship and maintain interest.

You communicate regularly with her.

You invite her to special occasions.

Hi SereneWolf

I’m glad that you find meditation helpful. Journalling for an hour is a lot of writing! That sounds very productive.

I find that I get stuck if I think over things I’ve had difficulty with. Unless it’s particularly bad and I can’t move past it without processing I don’t tend to journal about these things.

I love the idea of a gratitude prayer. I hope you don’t mind if I borrow that idea? I’m excited about the idea of writing my own personal gratitude prayer.

Wishing you all the best 🙏

Hi Rob

I’m glad that you’ve found liberation in Buddhism. Gratitude for the positive, acceptance of the negative and being. It’s all we can ask for.

I had a similar experience recently with meditation. I realised that thoughts are just stories we tell ourselves repeatedly and it was time for me to put some of those stories away.

Do I exist? As much as anyone else.

It’s unique because we are made up of our experiences and the people we have spent time with. We also have our own unique natures and gifts. At any point different people think of you in different ways with their own nature reflected in their ideas.

I do think there are very limited choices though. Our actions. If we don’t like something we can change. We learn and we grow. Although I’ve seen enough of life to have experienced some ludicrous circumstances with ridiculous odds.