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  • #380913

    In reply to: Am I too old?

    fredrickk655
    Participant

    Hiya

    I had a baby 6 weeks ago at the age of 41! We started trying to conceive several years ago and in the end we used an egg donor and had IVF. I have quite a few friends who had babies in their late 30s/early 40s. Some conceived naturally and others sought fertility treatment. Another adopted two beautiful boys at the age of 45. If you really want it to happen there are so many options now so don’t feel sad about your age. Just focus on what you can do to find joy in the future. Its wonderful you are in a relationship with someone who also wants to be a parent! However you have kids, they will be so lucky to have a parent who wanted them so much and has all that life experience to share…

    It’s really tough feeling like time is going too fast but there are lots of different routes to a family and a happy life. Personally I am so grateful to be able to hold my son in my arms and full of love and gratitude to any women who choose to donate eggs.

    Stay positive  x x x

    <span class="Y2IQFc" lang="en">"Just focus on what you can do to find joy in the future", very important words ... thank you for writing</span>
    #380850

    In reply to: End off the Road!!

    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah,

    I’m doing gratitude journaling and working on my “why”. I read your article, and I agree, I need to also find self-love.

    I have requested my therapist to get 1hour daily for accessing my phone, so I can write and read on the forum.

    Hopefully, I will be able to keep in touch with you on a daily basis. Please pray for me and take care.

     

     

    #380828

    In reply to: End off the Road!!

    Javier,

    I’m so proud of you again for getting help. I know it’s tough. But you’re almost through this! You just have to hold on. 🙂 We are here for you. I’m not going anywhere. You can check in as much as you like. I will answer as soon as I can.

    Once you get the answers, you can take control of your life. That is the goal. You have that to look forward to.

    Try gratitude journaling. It seems too like you have negative thought patterns which you have not yet learned to positively reframed. This is an article I wrote today for Forbes on this very issue: HERE

    So you have a why. You want to see what will happen once you get the answers and take control. You want to not cause those you love the suffering of you ending it. But you need to dig a little deeper and find more whys.

    Here’s some suggestions:

    1) To help others go through what you are going through

    2) To advocate for causes related to your issues

    3) To find happiness and purpose

    4) To know yourself so you can be vulnerable and open in a relationship without leaning too hard on the other person

    5) To establish boundaries so you stay safe in your relationships or know when to walk away

    6) To love yourself unconditionally. I want you to start working on this one right now.

    7) To forgive yourself and others.

    8) To follow something bigger than yourself- maybe an organization, cause or even a faith

    9) To make meaning out of the mess. Your mess is your message.

    10) And to be mindful in the moment. I suggest starting to meditate. Try Insight Timer for free ones.

    Can you think of anymore?

    #380827

    In reply to: End off the Road!!

    Javier,

    I’m so proud of you again for getting help. I know it’s tough. But you’re almost through this! You just have to hold on. 🙂 We are here for you. I’m not going anywhere. You can check in as much as you like. I will answer as soon as I can.

    Once you get the answers, you can take control of your life. That is the goal. You have that to look forward to.

    Try gratitude journaling. It seems too like you have negative thought patterns which you have not yet learned to positively reframed. This is an article I wrote today for Forbes on this very issue: HERE

    So you have a why. You want to see what will happen once you get the answers and take control. You want to not cause those you love the suffering of you ending it. But you need to dig a little deeper and find more whys.

    Here’s some suggestions:

    1) To help others go through what you are going through

    2) To advocate for causes related to your issues

    3) To find happiness and purpose

    4) To know yourself so you can be vulnerable and open in a relationship without leaning too hard on the other person

    5) To establish boundaries so you stay safe in your relationships or know when to walk away

    6) To love yourself unconditionally. I want you to start working on this one right now.

    7) To forgive yourself and others.

    8) To follow something bigger than yourself- maybe an organization, cause or even a faith

    9) To make meaning out of the mess. Your mess is your message.

    10) And to be mindful in the moment. I suggest starting to meditate. Try Insight Timer for free ones.

    Can you think of anymore?

    Tim
    Participant

    @Sammy1 I appreciate your understanding, unfortunately this will be my last post, at least for the foreseeable future. I do not have the time to dedicate or to really offer a listening ear and wisdom in the way I would like.

    Very proud of you doll, you did the hard graft by yourself. You really showed grit and determination to overcome the pain and not let the critic we all possess beat you down. You are capable of remaining true to your identity, and are looking to add to your happiness and not seeking happiness in someone or something! Kudos to you! I know you can only soar higher from here.

    I hope the new man in your life continues to cherish the wonderful woman you are. Sounds like a gent!

    Thank you for that update, I’m sure @Kkasxo and @Shelbyville are both doing great so try not to worry, focus on channelling that incredible caring ability and compassion on yourself and those who do remain present.


    @Dannydan
    Kudos to you too for the courage you showed in pursuing ‘B’ against the odds. You can live a life without the what if or regret. It takes incredible strength to admit you need help so you’re already leaps ahead than most.

    Oh the sleepless nights are tough not to mention the cost of nappies and formula! Expensive raising a child, however I’m blessed with a beautiful daughter and wife so remind myself to be grateful.

    I don’t have much free time sadly but to answer your question without creating more. Depression has no cure, it’s not something you just outgrow or treat once and it disappears. There is always that risk of having another episode as you are predisposed. For example when I became redundant although i was better equipped at handling my emotions due to growth, it was still overwhelming enough to cause another episode.

    If identified, it is treatable, so I took the right steps instead of ignoring the issue and was put on medication for short duration. I now also keep on top of my self care.

    The major factor in my treatment plan has been my partner, she has an innate emotional understanding, she just makes any episode less daunting and is capable of handling it without me fearing asking for help, she will never consider me weak, so I never feel the extra pressure to hide anything or put on a mask – this itself can be so draining.

    I’ve found someone who understands it’s a part of me and is able to support me. Most often she can detect it before me and it all makes a huge difference. The key thing is not to just take and learn self sufficiency, do everything possible to be a rock for her, appreciate and value your partner that when the going gets tough they can give extra if necessary. So it works. Someone who accepts you will not be afraid to speak or explore your darker side. I think you’ve really found that with ‘B’ so don’t worry. Just keep it balanced.

    Sammy and Danny , shine bright and all the best for your journey. Practice gratitude, humbleness and continue to challenge each other to grow. Pleasure to have encountered you both!

    #380796
    sossi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your perspective, its quite a problem for me, being mostly alone and trying to interpret what is going on around me. I also do not always follow what people are saying because of the language barrier so sometimes i know i come across as dumb, because i dont always understand. Its frustrating but ive become used to that. So the bullying and negativity are a combination i know fairly well.

    I know other people who simply speak their own language and dont bother to learn but if im honest, ive done really well to get so far and having some knowledge, it is going to be an advantage when the world turns to shit, as it might.

    And with regards to my friend looking for work and a place to call home, i feel a great deal of empathy beause i know how he feels even though he looks a lot like the local people and i dont. He says he has experienced a lot of racism but i know he is also antagonistic sometimes. You need the patience of a saint sometimes. Culturally speaking i think he is a better match for a country like the States. When i first moved here, it was a recession and no one had any money. There were literally no young people and i thought i had come to the end of the line….but…..i found through my patience, that people were kind, gentle, sweet and helpful. I just felt gratitude because i had nothing. I think im talking about older generations mainly though. I think the younger generation here is impatient, greedy and does not have time to understand other cultures. There´s a difference. And there are new visitors too, impatient, demanding….its sad sometimes but that is what an increasingly succesful economy attracts, no one has time to stop.

    We now have a lot of wealthy older foreign people from all over …expensive cars and more increasingly younger couples who want to live a cleaner life by the sea. That is the marketing speak though. There is another side and that is the people who are searching for answers or running away from something. The ocean is a great attraction for the lost.

    What im trying to understand in myself is why i am struggling through this life when, like my friend i could just say “this isnt working, im going”. I know its not as simple maybe, i have elderly parents i have to think of  who are vunerable here but its more the fact that im already older, tired of living in different countries. It would have probably all fallen into place if i had met the right guy i think as most women fall into a routine that way. Being alone is very hard, i have to be very strong all the time.

    Its good to hear your perspective that i am misinterpreting situations as this makes me hopeful that things arent as bad as they seem. But they still seem bad! I dont feel there is much doubt that the family member at work has made my job harder and so forced me to look at other options, he would prefer me to leave. Ive let other people´s issues affect me and its poison for the mind. Also influenced by my colleague, i guess we have come to our own conclusions. When in doubt you refer to your instinct about situations and coincidences rarely exist do they?

    And my ex is long gone. Ive hung on and on with the dream-like imagining that i am special somehow. It seemed preferable, understandably when you consider the lonely reality, to believe that i have some hold on him. I guess i wanted to feel wanted by someone that i was attracted to. But there is no magic there, he is a narcissist who is probably abusing the woman he is with. In fact i think one of the best things i did was to talk to one of the women he left me for (the first time around) because i could then see the delusion in her for myself. I try to remind myself of that. She left him soon after and i must admit, i think i saved her from a lot of pain. But i suffered it. I got back with him and then he left me again for his current girlfriend. he was my drug like nothing i had experienced before. Crazy that this can happen and you think you are so rational as a person but around him i would lose myself.

     

     

    #380763

    In reply to: End off the Road!!

    First of all, I’m proud of you for reaching out for help. Since wed is your follow up, try to find some ways of coping til you get the answers. I had something happen to me today that made me want to give up. I was very drowsy, and it’s been like this for two weeks. I thought I wasn’t eating healthy enough so I kept trying different things. Then I told my mother who said the same thing happens to her a lot. She told me it was sinuses. I took a sinus med and felt all better. The point of this? The whole time my brain was telling me to give up. I was filled with negative thoughts, worries, ruminations and catastrophizing. My own bran was using my fears against me. And it turned out to be fixable.

    That’s not unlike your situation. There are solutions, you just don’t see them. One thought that helped me through this time was thinking “I’m just going to be curious about what is happening next.” My brain wanted to just quit. I was done. I was like, I can’t function or live this way so why do it? And it turned out to just be my sinuses! I used this thought of just being curious for how things to resolve themselves to fight back persistent negative thought patterns. It worked.

    You don’t have to have all the answers now. I hope you get on Lexapro and if not, they find another med which will work for you. Your evaluation uncovered many helpful things and it’s all coming together! There is a way through this which is to keep going, to just be curious about how things will turn out.

    I’ve had suicidal ideations most of my life. I always wanted to just give up. So I know how you feel. I kept going because I wanted to help others. What is your “Why?” Do you feel you have one? You need it to be strong enough to hold onto through this. It could be a dream, a way to help others through similar things, a relationship, a faith or religion…anything that gives you meaning. I recommend the book Man’s Search for Meaning by holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl. You are not the first to feel despair and hopelessness. So many feel it. But there are people who have written great things about it. He is one of them.

    I’ll be praying for you. Please keep telling a professional how you are feeling, and if you are suicidal, call a hotline or go to a psych ward or call local authorities. It’s okay to need help right now. But you’re life isn’t over. You have so much more to give and experience. No one can take that away from you- not your past, not your mind etc. No one can take away the goodness that your life has to offer. You just need to remind what’s worth holding onto.

    For journaling, there are many different types. If you are exploring negative feelings, it could bring up trauma. I would self advocate and ask for other journaling methods. Maybe try gratitude journaling. See how that feels.

    All my best,

    Sarah

    #380697

    In reply to: Struggling badly

    I think you need to look at how far you’ve come. You’ve overcome so much. You are not your past. You are not the bad things that happened. They weren’t your fault. If people are only half in and half out with you, that’s not a real relationship. If you are seeking support, this is a great start. There are also facebook support groups to look into such as for  PTSD. https://www.facebook.com/groups/WmnwPTSDUnitedSupportGroup is one> i’m not in it so I don’t know if it’s good but just search “ptsd support” under groups to find more. Keep reaching out. You can find local ones too. I would also recommend a therapist to help you with your suicidal feelings. It’s okay to ask for help. If you feel like you are drowning, it’s time to ask for help. Coming here is a great place to start, to get some support, but do tell a professional that you’re feeling this way.

    I get lonely a lot too. I don’t have many close friends even though I’m very social. My family isn’t super close either and Ihave trauma as well from some of them. I grew up with no one to talk to or turn to. So I get what you are feeling. I recommend the book Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. It helped me when I was at rock bottom.

    You are not alone even though you feel like it. You are worth it.

    List out some things you like about yourself.

    List out some positive affirmations.

    List out some gratitude things. “I am grateful that I have made it this far…”

    Try anxiety journaling where you write what you are anxious about for ten to twenty minutes to get it all about. This is also called worry journaling.

    Here’s a meditation I love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZEdkZsaUQ8

    Try escaping as well. Do something just for fun. When is the last time you really laughed or smiled? What were you doing?This might sound silly but I watch prank videos lol 🙂 I like Impractical Jokers a lot.

    Remember that this feeling will not last. Come here, reach out to support groups on facebook and in person, go to your therapist and try these coping skills I have listed. Read that book if you get a chance. 🙂

    I know it’s hard right now, but better days are coming. You just have to know you’re worth it. And you are.

    #380139
    blue
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    After a while of balancing a little bit, I think partly it is my not correct thinking more than social norm; I cannot forgive myself after the drama. At this age of 38, I think I should practice more acceptance and gratitude. After the event, I learnt a lot from that. After all, I think it is not completely a  bad luck. I think I will recover ok. Thanks a lot to Tinybuddha and you Anita.

    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan Troublemaker? ME? Never lol!

    I do apologise for the slight delay in my usually prompt responses. I saw the notifications but I’ve had women issues not that you boys would care 😭

    I don’t even know where to start ,wow, reading that made me feel overwhelmed, can’t imagine how tough that must have been to face then to lso reopen. I just want to reach out and give you a big bear hug.

    Naturally having had a shared experience of heartbreak I can understand but the feelings you described sound so frightening. I’m really happy you found this thread big shout out to @Shelbyville (I wish she came back and gave an update) I think knowing where a person is at can give other’s perspective, sometimes hope and sometimes not feeling so alone even if things are not good.

    Those words are going to resonate with so many readers and I’m so glad you shared it. Thank you for being vulnerable and informing us on exactly what depression can feel like. I hope it comforts those reading who suffer like @Jay2023 (please post to let us know how you are!)


    @Rhaenys
    was clearly touched by your post too. I loved her ending quote. It was beautiful 😪 you got that now so good it tight no matter what!

    God works in mysterious ways and I know you had this conversation with @Shelbyville in reference to the concept of journeymate. I think you really derived more meaning from that concept than any one of us would. Two souls don’t just cross paths by accident, I am spiritual and God sent her for you. Her reason was greater than you recognised at first, you always knew this deep down, and when you started paying attention to your own soul. You realised that you weren’t a fuckboy, you weren’t a player. You weren’t just meant to meet and touch each other like pervs 😝 your souls went one step beyond and the love was powerful enough to motivate you to do the self work and have a true awakening that pulled you out of the darkness.

    Your ego, depression, anxiety were all conquered when you decided to fight for her. So you have the grit to fight the remnants of this disease that you described as insidious. You can find the tools to cope because you already harnessed your fear once before with great courage when you made amends and then loved her with the wholeness you have. So keep loving, believing from that place.

    What struck me the most was how in all this struggle and pain you still wanted to take accountability and didn’t tell us those feelings that were haunting you. So in one sense you didn’t let the depression, heartbreak, anxiety be an excuse. You faced the consequences of your behaviour even though they weren’t from a place of evil just a place of you being lost and hurt.

    I think admitting it and facing it head on is going to really change a lot for you. You’re determined and you are willing to change. I can’t say this enough but I’m so proud of you Danny

    I’m more proud that you don’t feel like a weak man for expressing your emotions. I’m proud you’re able to admit that darkness was depression. If those fears troubles you to that same extent. I feel you will reach out and seek help. You really have come an extraordinary long way. Well done!

    I’m excited and rooting for you and ‘B’, she is amazing and I know she is very loved too. I’m probably just as excited to see you cross the line and celebrate your union by popping the Cork🍾 and the cherry 🍒. Lol! Roll on wedding fever!


    @Rhaenys
    darling you’re doing great too! I’m glad Danny grew on both of us. It was a very useful insight, that you never really know what’s happening inside a person psyche. That’s why communication and expression of emotion is so vital for sustainable relationships.

    I also want to say I didn’t have these layers,  I had addiction, I had the initial anxiety and feeling of I’ll never survive and wanting to commit suicide but I snapped out of that relatively quickly at that time because there was a poster Dose of Reality who sadly was terminal and said a lot of hard truths, there was initial shame but it just happened to resonate with me. I returned back to my faith with it being the pandemic and the self pitying began to lift because it is draining!

    So I worked hard on my inner self and there were times I felt I was going backwards and I did slip thankfully this thread and my bestie helped me. I just wanted to do better, be better and have a better relationship that I knew I deserved. I can be very straightforward but I love from a very deep place and I realised that I wanted a person to love me unconditionally too. I realised I already had that person and that person was me.

    Once you start self loving you appreciate and have gratitude for the right people. Just like Danny he had to look inwardly before he could accept ‘B’s’ love otherwise they would be in a continuous loop and toxic. So keep doing work. Work never ends x

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by Sammy.
    #380087
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Cris

    Their is another saying that ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ which I guess has some truth.  The longer we know someone the more likely we forget what attracted us to them and take things for granted. Hopefully that doesn’t lead to contempt.

    I think partners having different interests is good for a relationship as long the differences are respected.  I also don’t think partners need to have everything in common or do everything together all the time.  Teaching a extrovert to enjoy quite time and a introvert to be more social at times is a positive.

    In ballroom dancing when your learning to connect as a lead or follow the intention is to create space and fill it. Their is a difference in how the Lead creates space and fills it and how the Follow fills space and creates its but both are creating space and filling it. Creating and filling space at the same time may seem a impossibility but we do all the time. Doing so consciously allows our partner to ‘know’ were we are, where we are going, what shape is being created… Its a communication that isn’t a pull or push but a invitation. And so we dance.

    A shared practice of mindfulness and gratitude could help in creating and filling space. I find it helpful sometimes to ask my self – ‘How am I creating space? How is the space being field? How am I filling space?

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by Peter.
    #379896
    Maria
    Participant

    I’ve made many mistakes in my job and my life. What I understood: I must first apologize to those who suffered from this mistake. And then, I should consider this situation as a learning experience. It won’t help my past, but it will definitely help me in my future to not do the same thing. Everything happens for a reason. So, show your gratitude and move on. 🤗

    #379872

    In reply to: I need Help…Again!

    Ik09
    Participant

    I saw the posts, you both left each other. Everyone has a life and it has varying moments with varying emotions. Nobody can be on a constant behaviour all the time and so I don’t see it as a disruption at all. I wish you both well as well. And Although I hope I don’t need to come back here but situations are not in our hands, right? Sometimes, we are overwhelmed and we seek others. I have opened up to my friends very honestly, told them of my insecurities and trust issues and they seemed to take it well. Thank god for such people. I am blessed.

    I start maintaining a gratitude diary when I am too disappointed with life. I will begin again from today. Although I am not disappointed currently. I just want to write about all of you, the good people. The people who care. People who struggle, people who don’t give up and people who bring change.

    I will come again if I am so utterly lost that I can comprehend my own thoughts but thanks to both of you and my friends… I feel more optimistic about everything.

    I want to achieve my dreams, no more backseats. Now is the time.

    I will leave a link to my website and blog here as well when I finish uploading the stories I am currently working on.

    And you both are dear to me. I know you might not think much of it. But I think of you guys as my friends and have a sense of trust because of which I come here to talk about everything. I hope you would see me in the same light. Take care both of you and I hope the next time I post, I am not sad and lost instead am leaving links to my stories.

    Love

    Ik09

     

    #379524

    In reply to: End off the Road!!

    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I am sorry you’re going through a lot of pain right now. You say you contracted covid last year and that your health has been deteriorating since. Does it mean you have long covid, with long-term health issues that won’t go away?

    You talk about your mother’s difficult life and that you feel you’re the cause of her suffering (“I have always felt responsible for ruining my mother´s life“). The child always feels responsible for their parents’ unhappiness, even if he/she has nothing to do to with it. Your mother “was the victim of physical and mental abuse by my “father”, harassed, endured death threats, and then was left alone as my father left her for his mistress.” – this is what caused your mother’s pain and suffering, not you.

    But the child believes it’s their fault, because it gives them a sense of hope – if they would only change, their mother would be happy. But you as a child couldn’t really do anything to stop your father from abusing your mother and sending her death threats. You couldn’t have prevented your mother’s suffering. It’s not your fault that her abuse happened.

    Therefore, it breaks my heart to admit that I’ve never been there emotionally for my mother. I have taken her for granted my whole life. I’ve never asked her how she felt, never shown any concerns or any caring.

    Children often take their parents for granted, they aren’t mature enough to have compassion, because they worry about their own needs being met. That’s perfectly normal. A child cannot give emotional support to the parent, because they aren’t equipped for that. In fact, if they try to do that – to be their parent’s emotional caretaker – they end up suffering because they can never provide adequate help and can never make the parent happy. The parent still suffers and the child feels like a failure because they didn’t manage to make the parent happy. It’s a futile attempt, so please don’t blame yourself for that either.

    But now you’re an adult, you can show compassion for your mother, you can tell her how sorry you are for everything she’s been through, and how grateful you’re for taking care of you and your siblings so selflessly. It’s not late for that, you can express love and gratitude to your mother now… Do you think it would be possible? How would it make you feel?

     

    #379217
    blue
    Participant

    Dear Tanita,

    I feel so gratitude for your time and kindness in helping me. I feel better with youe sweet consultation. You really understanding and attentive and helpful. Thanks and I wish you health and prosperity to help more people. Thank you

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