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April 9, 2014 at 11:47 am #54555

In reply to: Exhausted from Caring

Matt
Participant

Jessa,

It sounds to me like you’re caught up in your task list, racing against time to get everything done. Self care, in this way, becomes another task… “sheesh, so many tasks already, and now I have to self care, too?” No wonder you burn out! Where’s the peace? Where’s the space?

Consider taking a different approach to self care. Purposely set down the task list, in total, for the whole time you’re relaxing, letting go. “Yes, the task list is there, and I will get to that, but for now, for this present moment, I will let it all go and walk with unplanned steps.” Like a wide open field, just be with yourself in the empty space of the task list. Not “from 1-2 bath time, from 2-3 yoga, from 4-5 running”. Rather, “from 1-3, empty space, spontaneous, me time”. And when you get to that space, do something kind for yourself that you enjoy. Nice day? Maybe walk in a park. Rainy? Maybe hop in the tub and have a good cry. Let your heart open, listen to the inner voice that is beside the task master, the one that says “hmm, maybe I need…”

This let’s the happiness grow authentically, rather than “from 1-3 I will grow my happiness”. How exhausting that would be! And ineffective! Don’t place a task of self care on the list, put in a space to set down the list, be free. The happiness, recharging, comes more from the space than any specific self care action.

As far as the “when is my turn to be pampered by others”, consider that “not now, maybe later”. Much like in winter it is easier to accept there are no fresh fruit on our pear tree when we aren’t hungry, and rest contentedly waiting for the conditions to be right for the pears ripening and growing. The husband is away, for now, so the tender pampering from him will have to wait. As you make more space, it will be less like a hunger, and more like a kind remembering. “oh, its nice to be held like that, but for now the branches are bare, so I’ll just take care of my own needs.” This is actually an awesome lesson, because not only will it make you more resilient to stress, but it will keep your gratitude blossoming when the pears are ripe.

Namaste, sister, and thank you for choosing a path of helping others. What a heart on you!

With warmth,
Matt

April 5, 2014 at 10:10 am #54298

In reply to: Handling excess feminine sexual energy

Matt
Participant

TR,

Sometimes when we start waking up our body (especially parts that were suppressed by shame and avoidance and whatnot) we become unbalanced. A feeling of too much sexual energy means perhaps you’re a little bottom heavy. Consider simply accepting your feelings, and spend a little time exploring your gratitude for the beauty in and around you.

Said differently, sometimes we get a craving, an itch. To deaden the itch, we can spend time envisioning, contemplating and resting with death, decay, disease and so forth. Seeing internal organs, for instance, does some helpful things in stilling sensual craving. Much like smelling rotten chicken stops our strong desires to eat for comfort. However, when we are hungry, the body resurges with the need once the chicken is away. That’s when we know its time to find a nourishing meal.

With sex, its similar. Sometimes we get visions of beauty and wonder of the wand and challis meeting, grinding and so forth. However, we wish to stay away from junk food, or using the sexual energy in an unproductive way. So, instead of getting lost in it, getting sucked down into the root chakra, we can open up the crown and give the energy back, breathe it out back into the cosmos. Gratitude does this, helps move our body toward balance, toward humility and stability. Then, yes, we can accept that sex is a driving force for us, but rest patiently while we wait to connect with someone or ourselves in a way that keeps the balance, rather than building restlessness until satisfaction.

For the cultivation of gratitude, consider how amazing it is to be in a body as complex, harmonious, and unified as it is. At the physical level, cells and particles circle throughout your body with consistency… heart beating, O2 exchange, digestions, homeostatic mechanisms… what a symphony! At the environmental scale, consider that if the laws of physics weren’t in an incredibly precise harmony, the universe would have collapsed, or burst apart right after creation. What a blessing! At the “life” scale, consider that your journey has been littered with teachers and students, friends, strangers and family… all stumbling and trying their best to find light, love, safety, happiness. You have been taught a million lessons, both through instruction and example. You have taught a million lessons, both through instruction and example. The Ruminant is not an island, alone, strong, resistant to a harsh environment. Rather, she is a blessing of a woman, giving and receiving energy all the time, dancing and singing her way. What a blessing!

This let’s that excess energy move up through the body, rather than pull all our attention downward toward the chest and groin. Said differently, when we have a thick gratitude, the thickness of our sexual energy doesn’t produce restlessness… just fertility. Tide comes in, tide goes out… and there is TR, smiling, breathing.

Namaste, may your ripples be gentle waves.

With warmth,
Matt

March 31, 2014 at 10:20 pm #53908

In reply to: I have a soulmate; he isn't my husband

Anonymous
Inactive

Fuzzy, your story has really touched me! Thank you for being so open and sharing. These are the words I want to be reading, stories I need to hear. I am still so far from where I want to be in my relationship with my husband. We had a pretty good exchange of words just last week and I honestly fear for his happiness, not mine. I have learned so much about self-care this last year, and it has made such a difference in my life. My husbands words no longer feel threatening. They are not directed at me, or concern me, but the agitation I use to feel when he would go into a rant has disappeared. When I allow it he does not back down. It takes me saying “I’ve had enough” that he then quiets down. But I’m so much better than I use to be…a quiet church mouse! No more! hahahaha. Often, as in last week, in standing up for myself and showing I had control of a specific problem (MY problem), he gets very defensive and wants to take control back and he even shouted “…why do you have to crawl up my ass?” My being assertive now poses a threat? I have been in a very controlling relationship and didn’t have an awareness until a year ago. I will give us time to make all the necessary adjustments but I can tell this is going to be very difficult for him. I’ve assured him we have a chance to move forward and get this right and he continues to remind me that he is “…loud, honest and angry most of the time. If you don’t know this about me after 30 years I don’t know what to tell you”. I want to know why he is angry?? He seems resentful too. What makes men like this? I know you can only share your experience but since becoming aware and talking with people, it seems common among men. I love him. I felt a strong connection when we first met. We went out a lot, had great friends and house parties, vacationed. The years have struck him down. I don’t have the professional background to know the right words to say, but I believe he will come undone if he doesn’t seek therapy. He judges everyone and says unkind things and I just don’t even understand that. It feels so foreign to me. It concerns me that he makes a point to remind me that he will NEVER share in my spiritual views/journey. I made a choice last weekend to go out with my friends (which I am trying to do more of) instead of dinner with him. He went to a bar, alone. It’s sad. He is jealous I think, of my friends but they are what’s held me together for a year! I want to look forward to a fun and exciting future with my husband, but right now all I see is a over-stressed workaholic who worries about money and lack (I feel we are financially sound) and that’s not looking too exciting to me. I feel much gratitude for so many things in my life I could not imagine ever feeling any lack. It’s subjective I suppose, based on your values. I would love to reconnect with him. The carefree fun him. One particular Sunday I was crying and he asked me if I wanted to move out!! No!! I want you to be a husband to me! I have even gotten specific on how he can do that and still nothing! Every romantic card he has ever given me (and there was an “occasion”, not just out-of-the-blue-because- I- love- you cards) he signs “I know it’s too mushy” or “sorry I was a jerk”, or something to that effect. If you know you were wrong to say something and you can apologize for it, then why can’t you think before you speak? Oh, that’s right…You are loud, honest and angry most of the time???? I don’t doubt that my husband loves me, but I don’t think he loves himself. Like I said, I am not in the profession to evaluate but I do not understand how he can be so mad all the time.We don’t really get into arguments because I walk away. He is always right, you know. We agree to disagree. That’s that. I am so happy for your new-found love affair Fuzzy! Your wife sounds alot like me. I’m just not feelin’ the love, ya know? It would be very easy to walk, but what comes easy doesn’t last and what lasts doesn’t come easy. I have to give it time I’ve got a lot of time already invested. 10 years ago seems about when I noticed some changes and I couldn’t figure it out. We were just living here together with our child. It’s so subtle how drifting apart can feel motionless. We still have some living to do but ya gotta wanna!

March 31, 2014 at 8:08 am #53880

In reply to: Meaning of Life

Luna
Participant

My purpose in life, is to create happiness within myself as also to other people, fulfilled my dreams and goals, improve myself each days by doing simple little things such as be kind to others. Spread love and receive love. I don’t know, i just wish the world have more people with ambitions and do actually have a heart to appreciate everything around them, and especially LOVE ANIMALS!
Many people takes life for granted because they grow up being conditioned that way… we were born to love, and we grow up to hate. It is sad…
The meaning of life to me is, to find love and peace within myself and others, to appreciate and have gratitude towards anything around me, to always question about life and never stop being curious, also feel for others… show your empathise, follow your passions and learn the art of letting go. Know yourself and love yourself, i don’t think anything can go wrong in life.

March 31, 2014 at 7:55 am #53878

In reply to: We are all Artists
Luna
Participant
I am a deep thinker, a creative person that especially love drawing. One day, after drawing and i was in the zone of thinking, i realised that we are all artist at heart. In my interpretation, what i meant by ‘we are all artists at heart’ is…
Being an artist, it does not mean you can draw, paint or do any creative activites such as writing or what so ever. The way we sees life, how we perceive and observe life, how we live each day and how we have gratitude towards everything is also an art. I don’t know, if anyone have the same idea as me, but i see life as an art, and for you to live.. the way you walk, what you cook, how you treat others, your body shapes? you created arts, the art of living!
🙂 I think it’s beautiful to perceive things/life this way. Hope my thoughts contributes.
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by Luna.
March 28, 2014 at 10:48 pm #53739

In reply to: Book recommendations?

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Hi Sufi

Thanks for your post. I would like to share my experience with you and hope it will provide a different perspective for you.

I must have read over 150 self-help books few years ago to start the journey that you wish to commence now and none actually helped in the long term. Everyone is providing their own personal experience in the books but we are not them. Everyone on this planet is one and unique. Our thoughts, personalities, DNA, coping skills etc do not coincide with anyone else on this planet. We are as unique as it gets. What might work for your mate may not work for someone else. This is the reason why giving or seeking advice is sought with so much caution as one can only provide their personal opinion but it may or may not be suitable for the concerned individual.

I do refer to some books on a regular basis such as those from Louise Hay, Susan Jeffers and Cheryl Davidson but it is purely to calm me down if I am being highly emotionally charged. The following have been the most helpful in terms of practicality : regular practice of meditation( heaps of good stuff on you tube); practicing gratitude and positive affirmations daily ; breathing exercises; good nutrition; 8 hour sleep ; and exercise. I am becoming more authentic “me” every day. Now, people do not threaten me as I am able to appreciate that hey, everyone is unique so there is no competition. There is no resentment and we are all doing our best to perform our role on the life stage. It is all good and there is enough for everyone on this planet. This transformation has made a huge change in the people that I attract nowadays. I am able to learn freely from every interaction and relationships do not feel heavy or draining anymore.

Does this make sense ?

Cheers,

J

March 26, 2014 at 1:14 pm #53593

Topic: Am I bipolar?

in forum Emotional Mastery

Sufi
Participant

Hello everyone,

I have posted before about my anger issues. There is something else that’s been eating me up for quite a few years now. I am in my early twenties, and I am terrified that I have become bipolar, like my mother. I mean, she hasn’t been diagnosed or anything, but she sure shows the symptoms of it: she is very judgmental and highly critical of people, she can be very loving and lavish you with praises one month, and the following month insult you and find everything wrong with you.

My mother was a battered woman when I was very young, and I think that she has a ton of repressed anger in her. I think that, being the only daughter out of her children, I am an easy target for all her suppressed emotions. I have been on a self-esteem roller coaster ride pretty much my whole life. I have been the object of several harsh words coming from her. My friends are dumbstruck when I tell them some of the things that she tells me; they even wonder if she is my real mother! But coming back to the point, I don’t feel confident in myself at all. Though my mother has provided for me all my life, I don’t find comfort in her presence. I don’t feel safe confiding in her, and find that she has never really met my emotional needs.

Because of that, I don’t share much of my thoughts and feelings with her. I think that offends her, and she attacks me for it. She tells me that she’s never been like that with her own mother, her mother was her God, she loved her mother more than anyone else, etc. But I don’t feel any of these things for my mother. What makes me think that she’s bipolar is that she will come to me when she is at the peak of her anger, and start hurling things at me. I try to block it out by turning up my music the loudest possible, but this only fuels the fire, and she yells at me for being a disrespectful daughter that she never was to her mother. However, when she is in a good mood and happy with me, she will express her gratitude for having “good children.”

She does the same thing with other people: one day she’ll have really good things to say about her friends, the next day she’ll be criticising them with me. Or one day she’ll say really nice things about my dad, and the following day she’ll find nothing good to say about him to me. I worry that I have become my mother. Sometimes I have these swings in emotions and become extremely judgmental, too. I have become extremely doubtful of women. I feel a profound dislike and distrust for women, and am quick to judge them, especially if they walked or looked at me in a certain way which I thought was very arrogant. Another example: I love my fiancé a lot, but whenever there’s something I dislike or that irritates me, I find that all the love I have for him in my heart disappears. I see only the negatives. It’s the same thing with friends. As soon as someone disappoints me or doesn’t meet my expectations, I cut them out and don’t talk to them again. That’s what happened with my previous therapist. She was sick two days and called the same day to reschedule the appointments, a behavior I found very unprofessional. I decided to stop going to my sessions, and this has worsened my situation. I think that I have a very strong ego, too at times, and hate not being taken seriously.

Sometimes I even lash out at my boyfriend just like my mother would lash out at me, and I find I cannot control myself AT ALL. I say the meanest things that I don’t even mean, and then apologise when my anger dissipates. My fiancé is an angel for putting up with my tantrums. He says that he understands it’s not me, that he knows that I am in fact someone very understanding, supportive, loving and caring. Bless his soul. I would have dumped someone like me a long time ago!

Please advise me, fellow readers. I would appreciate getting more insight into my behaviour, and how I can change. I want to find peace.

Thank you very much, everyone.

March 26, 2014 at 12:29 pm #53588

In reply to: Sharing pain

jdkm
Participant

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read, and reply to my post.

Like I had said, there are good days – the day I posted was a particularly hard day, but thankfully, these couple of days have been better. Nonetheless, while I can see clearer during the good days, the pain doesn’t really go away.

Al – I agree with everything you wrote. I have been trying very hard to practice gratitude – because it took me losing the greatest thing to start appreciating the little things that were still there, that I always took for granted. I have nothing but love for him – I can’t be angry at him because I know he tried as hard as I did to make it work – so I do wish him beautiful things – I want him to be happy. I have also been focusing on being a more positive person, because I must admit that I had a very negative outlook before. I will keep working on this every day – thank you for supporting me with what you said!

Libertymojo – I am so sorry you are going through this as well! It helped me to read that someone out there can relate to what I’m feeling – so know that you are not alone either! In the midst of the pain I agree that it is beautiful to be able to feel and love so much – perhaps the fact that we are able to feel this extent of pain is perhaps a beautiful thing in it’s own way too! I guess bearing unbearable pain (whether it is an overstatement or not) must hurt, but it will also make us stronger. Let’s hang in there together! Thank you for reaching out!

Alice – It feels so good to hear from someone who, as you said is more far along than me. Thank you for taking the time to share with me. At first I couldn’t manage to do anything – i studied (because we broke up on the eve of the first of 7 very important exams) and i slept – i couldn’t handle anything else. With some time, I started getting back into a routine – and that did help immensely. Starting new habits seems particularly effective – since the old ones obviously remind me of him – and it feels like none of the things I now do alone are as good as they used to. I will focus on this more. What you say about time reminded me of something i read – we’re constantly told to fill up our time and distract ourselves to feel better etc. – when it comes down to it however, it is only time that can heal us; everything we do in the meantime, is a way of making time pass less slowly (as during the worst days time seems to stall) – so even if habits and distractions don’t make us feel better, it’s ok because time will! I believe this. We just have to make it through some more time; although we shouldn’t take the good things we have now for granted.

Archie – We have talked this over a few times. Neither of us can imagine never being together – but neither of us knows how to make it work either. Like I mentioned in my post, we both have personal issues which came up and made it difficult for us to be together. It hasn’t been easy for either of us (I see that he’s in pain too) – but we spent more time trying to make it work, than it actually working – so we do believe that it’s the right option – even if we don’t feel ready to move on. This part of my reply is very vague – just because it’s still very confusing to me. I appreciate your honest answer – and I hope that with time I’ll be in a position to reply to you more strongly.

Thank you all once again. You have made the pain more bearable by showing me I’m not alone in my feelings! I appreciate this deeply.
JdKm

March 21, 2014 at 5:05 pm #53250

In reply to: Feelings do pass!

Lucy
Participant

The fact that we are taught that negative feelings are “bad”, and should thereby try try to avoid them by any means is not a healthy thing to be taught. The best thing you can do is learn that it is okay to have negative feelings, because everyone does at some point at another, and how to deal with them constructively and acting in a way to deal with them so that you can cope with them and prevent them from spreading. There are many ways to do this, as you recognize. Feeling gratitude for the good things in life is a good way to handle it. Thanks for sharing! It’s always inspiring to hear from others who may feel down, but rise above by being cognizant of the good things that they have going for them!

March 20, 2014 at 1:27 pm #53169

In reply to: Recovery from abandonment

Jenna
Participant

Dear Cherrymom, I could have written your post myself. I’m in the exact same situation. It is so hard to be in a situation where you do not know where you stand with someone from day to day. This is especially true where children are involved and you are living under the same roof. As I am sure it is with you, the situation is complicated. If it was all bad, it would be easy (well, not exactly easy but you know…) to walk away. However, I know he cares about me and we have had lots of good times together and still do. Yet, there is definitely an emotional distance between us. Like you, I am focusing on acceptance, gratitude, and finding the peace and love I seek within myself. I want very much for my son to grow up with his dad around so I am not prepared to be the one that walks away from this at least for now. I am working on accepting and being grateful for the friendship we have and living my life on my terms to the fullest extent possible. I am not staying with him out of fear of being alone. I do not mind being alone for the most part and I know I could find someone else if I wanted to… but I don’t. I may change my mind eventually but for now I am just taking it day by day and living in the moment. Just know that you are not alone Cherrymom. What your man is doing is not about you, it is about him. Whatever demons he may be tormented by … only he can slay them. You are powerless over them. Self improvement is an inside job. Good luck and thank you so much for your post. It has helped me to know I am not alone too.

March 20, 2014 at 3:43 am #53140

Topic: Platonic Relationship with ex (i'm male)

in forum Emotional Mastery
misterman
Participant
Hi, this is my first time posting, i’m a 28 year old male.

One could put this in the relationships topic, although i believe this fits here better.

It’s been a little over a year since i broke up with my ex of 5 years. It was not a good relationship and it ended pretty badly for both of us, although we had the sense to call it a truce and wished each other luck though it was purely ceremonial.
This break up deeply affected me as i was terribly ashamed in how i behaved and reacted towards her, it was not the man i thought i was or wanted to be. There were many faults of hers towards me, although none of that i can control. So i won’t focus on it. It was my first relationship and i guess this was a fantastic learning experience and i learned many things about myself.

I recently stumbled past my ex unexpectedly. I rode past her as she was in her car. My heart rapidly shot up and i remained nervous for the remainder of the day, with feelings of bitterness and just a negative base human emotional cocktail of jealousy guilt and hate. This spoke to me profoundly, wether i liked it or not, she was still a big deal and mattered to me. So in the spirit of constant self improvement i extended myself to her via email.

I expressed to her the same sentiments i mentioned above and that i believed it would be nice to catch up for dinner sometime to get some closure on this relationship. Essentially trying to let go of the past and truly forgive each other and even offer each other support.

Next morning to my astonishment all my hate and resentment was replaced with a genuine love for her (care for her). I had finally genuinely forgiven her.
I contacted her expressing my gratitude that she was good enough to do this, as her treatment of me had been haunting me the whole year.
I did mentioned to her my slight disapointment at first glance that we only scratched the surface. One of the things i learned albeit very late that communication is a big issue and as we were together for 5 years i believe feelings lie deeper than what we touched on during the night. For this reason in search for further closure posed the question “what do you want out of this relationship”. So that perhaps this time, we can both be on equal footing and work from there.

In saying this, i made the effort not because i want to bring up the past, but perhaps so we can both acknowledge alternatives to what could have been done.
I genuinely believe it would be good for the both of us going forward and going into new relationships.
I realise and acknowledge the fragility of this situation yet know my motives are pure and in the best interests of both parties. Although as fragile as this is plus this being completely new territory for me, would anyone care to give their opinion on the matter? Any thoughtful response is always appreciated.
- This topic was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by misterman.
March 18, 2014 at 5:27 pm #53013

In reply to: confused

saskia
Participant

Hi everyone

I’m returning to a topic I started 3 months ago. In a moment of doubt, not long after posting, I deleted my original message, which I am reposting here:

“I am a woman in my early 30s. I have always had boyfriends and I guess a background attraction to women but no more than many straight-ish women probably have, I thought. This summer a woman came into my life who shook me up. She didn’t do anything apart from be herself, but she has had a huge effect on me.
She was my client. I work as a coach/trainer on a one to one basis (I teach a practical skill -I’m not a therapist and don’t work with people’s emotional or personal lives). The night before I met her I had a dream that we were together. I had previously talked to her on Skype before our first face to face session but hadn’t thought anything consciously other than she had a pretty smile. I shook the dream off as an oddity and proceeded with professionalism through our sessions together. We spent a couple of months meeting usually twice per week. When she left I missed her. She lives in another country, but not too far away. On our last lesson she gave me a card expressing her gratitude for my work, that I was a real pro and a nice person (she highlighted this last part). Nothing at all happened between us or was even hinted at apart from we took each others’ hands at the end and at least I felt a bit of a ‘moment’. Wishful thinking perhaps…
Throughout the course of our sessions I became more conscious of my attraction for her but of course did nothing. I would never do anything while in a professional capacity. We have some things in common, same age, some background circumstances, which allowed for some feelings of complicity I guess.
Fast forward a couple of months and I was still thinking of her from time to time. I had a new website built for my work and asked her and a few other previous clients for testimonials to put on the site. She kindly obliged with a glowing testimonial and in her email to me said she missed her time in my city and her sessions with me. It so happened that I was going to be in her city (I used to live there and still have friends there) for a few days a month ago and I told her she could have a free session to say thank you for taking the time to write my testimonial. She responded saying that would be great and we could go to lunch afterwards…her treat. So we met, had an informal skills session then went for a long lunch. It’s hard to say whether she flirted as I can’t gauge females too well. If this was a man I’d think he liked me but who knows. I know that she is bisexual. She didn’t tell me herself, we’ve never discussed things like that. but I know for a fact that she has said this. I am single. I have no idea if there is anyone in her life.
After the lunch meeting we exchanged a couple of texts and emails. She told me it was cool to hang out and even referred to future work and social stuff we could do together. I felt that I had been a bit ‘held back’ and hiding behind my professionalism as although I feel really excited and inspired by her, she wouldn’t have known. So a few days ago I sent her an email saying that if she ever comes back to my city I wouldn’t charge her for sessions, rather we could do a skills exchange (there’s something she can help me with and the subject of an exchange had already come up). Being brave I told her I always enjoyed her company and she was welcome any time. I also referred to a book recommendation she’d made to me which I think is quite personal to her (it was her who chose to share the recommendation, though!)
My confusion now is that she hasn’t replied…yet. I sent my email 4 days ago. To be fair she has taken a lot longer than this to get back to me before but I had less emotional investment then! I just hope I haven’t offended her. Have I crossed a line I shouldn’t have? I hardly declared undying love, in fact I barely hinted at my feelings, but I feel exposed as this is not how I’m used to conducting myself. My god, I feel like I’m overreacting now I see this written down. I guess my worst fear is that she can guess at how I feel, she doesn’t feel the same and now feels that she can’t take advantage of the professional help I can give her. It’s all a bit blurred. I feel odd.
I should also underline that she stopped officially being my client with the end of our financial exchange a few months ago.
What is happening here? I could use some objectivity and it’s not one I can share easily with friends.
Thanks.”

Your lovely kind replies are still in this thread. Thank you.

An update: she replied! Eventually. Took her two and a half weeks, by which time I’d given up on her but I wasn’t feeling too awful. I had meditated and nurtured my self-confidence in that at least I’d been true to myself by trying/hinting at my feelings so there weren’t really any regrets. Anyway, she wrote a lovely considered response, signing off with an affectionate term which I got rather excited about and it still makes me smile. Said salutation was written in her native language although she’d written the rest of her email in English. We both speak both languages. We then exchanged a couple of emails over the Christmas/new year period mainly talking about books/life philosophies and what we’re up to in our professional lives.

I haven’t heard from her since the beginning of this year. I’m not overly concerned about that as our emails did kind of ‘wrap up’ with her saying she’d see me this year and me wishing her good luck for this work venture she’s currently doing.

What I am concerned about is I still think about her A LOT. I mean a lot. I’m kind of ashamed of myself. Like, what is missing in my life that I have so much brain-room for a non-existent love story?! I know I shouldn’t judge my own feelings. I try to just ride them when they feel strong…. This woman has really got to me. I miss her. On a lot of levels I felt connection with her. I guess there are things about her that I admire…she has already helped to inspire me professionally and personally without even knowing it. She’s funny, she’s real, she’s intelligent, she’s unafraid, she’s spiritually aware, she’s driven and she has the sweetest smile I have seen on any human. I think she’s one of the best examples of a human I’ve ever met.

And yet. There are things I don’t know about her. I’m aware I’m probably filling in some blanks. I don’t even know if she’s in a relationship (I know she lives alone). We’ve never discussed that. She doesn’t even know I have these feelings…though she’s not stupid. She’ll have guessed at something.

So what do I have? A lunch date a few months ago (her invitation). A few emails with an affectionate/mildly suggestive sign-off from her. Nothing for a few months. Lots of questions in my head.

I think my reason for posting here is: sometimes my feelings for her overwhelm me. Why? Why has she affected me so when nothing has even happened? I think about her more than I’m comfortable with and more than I feel is appropriate for the situation. She has no idea. If I do see her again I’ll feel embarrassed!

I could just contact her and I probably will in a couple of months if I haven’t heard from her. The reason I haven’t is I know she’s travelling for work…her life’s a bit upside down for a couple of months.

Do I like her because she’s hard to get?

I’d write more detail if I wasn’t worried about identifying myself/her.

Writing this has clarified something at least: I build mountains out of molehills in my head. Please reply, though, anyone who has words of advice or even solidarity!

I’m the kind of person who plays my cards close to my chest in real life. Sometimes I feel lonely as a result.

March 18, 2014 at 10:04 am #52984

In reply to: The way I feel…

Chad
Participant

Dealing with parents is tough. We owe them a certain level of respect and gratitude for bringing us into this world. I struggle with communicating with my mother also. She always judges me by my past mistakes and always brings them up or assume I will act in a way to repeat history. Instead of being supportive that I make my own choices and that I am a different person now, one who has learned from my mistakes. I know she just does this because she cares about me and wants the best for me. I cant ask her to stop being herself, and I cant stop being myself either. So where do we go from there? I read an article on here though that made me think differently about how I deal with my mother.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/setting-emotional-boundaries-stop-taking-on-other-peoples-feelings/

Im sorry you have given up on love, I suspect you have been hurt enough times that you dont dare risk these feelings again. However, the crappy thing about love is, to have it you must risk. If you are meeting and dating manipulators and cheaters, you may need to take a look at why are you attracted to men who do this to you. Its very easy to sit home alone and think “whoa is me” it a lot harder to sit and look into the mirror see deep into it and say although I have been in some unfortunate circumstances, what role have my choices played in getting me to where I am at?

People absolutely manipulate to get what they want, I do it, and you probably do also. Cheating is a tough one, there are narcissists who will probably cheat any chance they get without concern or conscience. We need to be able to recognize these people early and steer clear. Healthy boundaries helps, as often these people will try to bull doze through them early on. If you have them, they try to run over them, thats a red flag to pay attention to. Then there are people like me. I’ll be honest I emotionally cheated on my ex. I had a illicit online conversation with a former fling. It not only destroyed my relationship. My choice destroyed myself and demolishing who I thought I was as a person. So please dont be so harsh to judge, we all are capable of inconsiderate acts, it doesnt make us bad people. Going to counseling I learned, cheating, isnt a reflection on just one side. Its simply the tip of an iceberg of relationship and personal problems. Its just where all the issues break through to the surface and become visible. The cheating is the what, everything below the water is the why…… It by no means is an excuse at all, nor even a justification. However, to be in a relationship one must posses a decent ability to be open and understanding, a willingness to feel empathy for someone elses crappy decisions. Its not always a reflection of you, but them and their issues, and of the issues and the dynamic yall share together. Like it was for me.

You certainly have someone to talk to, you have me, and everyone else who contributes onto these forums. We are your support, we are your cheer section, we are people who will tell you whats up and when its you or its them. So dont be a stranger. However we are no replacement for the connection you want to feel from someone else you can be truly open and vulnerable to. I want the same in my life. However my lack of being able to find it thus far wont scare me from continuing to try and putting myself out there the way I need to. You never know how many “Mr Rights” you’ve passed up because you let fear take the wheel. You have to accept your responsibility in participating in getting what it is you want for your life. Not expecting some guy to rush in an make you feel like its ok, to give him what he deserves. Every relationship will end, until one doesn’t. Try, try again my dear.

PTSD can be an enormous obstacle. My ex suffered from this, I wasnt sensitive and supportive as I should have been. Ultimately your own health is your own responsibility no one elses. Sounds like you are taking steps to address it, Huzzah!! Great 🙂

Life is about timing, opportunity and choices. As soon as all three line up, we’ll be good to go. I wish you the best of luck in your journey! Much peace and care.

March 13, 2014 at 3:15 pm #52756

In reply to: How can I accept myself?

Kelly
Participant

EJ, I feel for you. The other posters have offered some nice words of wisdom. I feel a bit helpless in trying to offer you comfort because you’ve said you’ve tried everything already and you’re not looking for a pep talk….. I’m not going to tell you that you’re right, you’re ugly and worthless and you just have to live with that because I don’t believe it.

Have you considered a gratitude journal? Each day writing down one great thing about the day or your life. It might help you to bring focus to the positive you have in your life. You volunteer and you have friends – you’re out there living life. It takes a courageous, strong, generous person to do those things.

As far as physical appearance, yes, there are people who judge based on that and it’s unfortunate. I can tell you though that a lot of a person’s beauty comes from within, how she carries herself, if there’s a smile on her face. If she takes pride in her appearance by wearing flattering clothes, and so on. And I do believe that people are attracted to others for a variety of reasons – yes, even because she volunteers at an animal shelter. I had a relationship with someone you would not describe as conventionally handsome, or even close. But he made me laugh every day and I enjoyed his company.

You have nothing to prove to anybody except yourself. It’s tragic that your parents made you feel the way you did as a child, but to paraphrase one of my favorite quotes, how about trying to be the parent of your future rather than the offspring of your past? Every morning we have a new chance.

Look at those sweet animals you volunteer to help. A dog is happy all the time, no matter what he looks like or others think of him. I strive to be as happy as my dog.

I’m turning 35 next month and I am single. Most of my friends are married, with children or having babies on the way. I too long for a partner in life but I know I have to make my life the best it can be in case it doesn’t happen for me. Maybe it would help to practice a different kind of visualization: instead of visualizing a loving relationship by Christmas, for example, how about imagine being happy? Having a loving relationship with yourself?

Hugs to you.

March 13, 2014 at 9:50 am #52745

In reply to: Could I have some advice on buying a gift for a friend?

Kelly
Participant

Kumo,

Inner Typewriter gave you some wonderful suggestions. I’ll add one more: music is another gift I like to share with people dear to me. Perhaps there are some songs that you could put on a cd for her that would serve as a soundtrack to your friendship – songs you both like, songs that remind you of her, songs she might associate with your time together. There are also songs whose lyrics express gratitude & love.

No matter what you decide, your friend will likely cherish it. A kind gesture means so much. It’s really great you’re stepping out of your comfort zone to grow and share this with your friend.

Kelly
Author

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