A few months ago, I had turned to the Tiny Buddha community because I could no longer bare the pain I was in. I had a very dark past and I was so lost in the trauma of it all, I finally HAD to reach out.
After spending my entire life with an enormous weight on my shoulders, I did what I had never done before and I shared the shame. And I couldn’t be more grateful that this community was here for me to do that!!
The kind users who responded to my desperate post helped me change my life. The way I had existed instantly began to shift. It was one of the most PROFOUND days of my entire life. The dark was suddenly ILLUMINATED by the brightest light- Love. The love and kindness of the people in this community.
I am still continuously growing and shifting, but I now have clarity. I just wanted to share that.
Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I’m so grateful for Tiny Buddha.
My ex-boyfriend and I were together for about 8 years. We lived together in several cities over a period of 6 years. We were friends before we got together, and we had tons in common. I had issues with insecurity and he had issues from being adopted at birth. I hadn’t been very happy for the last 2 years because I wasn’t doing what I wanted and he and I were both wanting to move, but because of finances and our jobs, we never had the timing right. He broke up with me suddenly, out of the blue 5 months ago. Despite trying to work things out, he moved out 2 months later. At the time he was starting to smoke marijuana frequently and had completely given up the meditation practice that he had which had helped us during our tough times. We hung out like nothing had happened, and I went on a quest to discover all the lessons that needed to be learned to be able to love myself and others more, all the while hoping we’d get back together.
Our communication became less and less until I got the idea that he must not really want to be with me, so I made plans to move and pursue my passions, effectively cutting off any chance of us being together again. He took this hard, and aside from a night where I asked him to come over so I could share my gratitude and lessons learned with him and he broke down crying and the following night when he came over saying he couldn’t sleep and was obviously having a hard time, he never wanted to talk about why we broke up or get closure. He then started seeing someone else.
Despite my positive outlook on my life and our relationship and ability to move on at one point, this piece of information broke me to pieces. Weeks before I had found out about the girlfriend, I had asked him to have a goodbye ceremony the day I left, which he agreed to. My last day before leaving, while we were cleaning out our former place of habitation I asked him if I could stay at his place after our ceremony since he was taking our cat. He said I shouldn’t – that he had plans with his girlfriend and didn’t even seem to care about the ceremony. I stayed anyway, after he decided he’d stay at a friend’s house. It was awful. The whole time I was asking for our goodbye, he did everything to avoid it, then left. He kept saying we’d see each other again and said we’d talk after I left.
I got to my new home/town and tried to go no contact and move on. He texted, asking how I was doing, and when I didn’t respond sent my some songs/videos about wanting to change and basically being devastated about losing his friend. He texted me and asked if we were still going to be friends. I responded saying that I wanted to be with him to resolve our issues together, to get to the core of our beings where understanding resides, to continue our spiritual relationship, etc. and if he didn’t then I would have to say goodbye. He ignored that email, but still sent me a text about a recipe. Yesterday, I finally confronted him via email asking him what he wanted (and why he didn’t respond to my email) and he said a friendship. I said I was confused by the previous emails and texts he sent that gave me an idea that there might be hope for a reconciliation, but needed to know that there wasn’t a chance we would be together again. He said he was sorry for misleading me and that he didn’t mean to. I said to not contact me and goodbye, which he acknowledged.
I’m suffering because he’s moved on. I imagine him happy with his new girlfriend. It kills me to think that she might have the future with him that we had planned. He’s swept his feelings under the rug with marijuana, alcohol and a new relationship. I’m suffering because we shared 8 years of our lives together and never got any closure. He never wanted to discuss anything. To give me what I needed, yet he thought we could be friends. He just wanted out. And now I’m the one lonely and confused. I don’t know if his issues with adoption have anything to do with this. I’m having an especially hard time knowing his new girlfriend was also adopted. Like he’s found a new soul mate to replace me. Someone who can understand him better even though I spent 8 years trying to understand him, show him compassion and help him. How can someone just drop that relationship so easily?
Topic: Falling in love with life
Have you ever had that feeling when you feel excited about life, about everyday, about yourself?
When you wake up in the morning and know that no matter what happens this will be a wonderful day!
When you can just sit quietly, think about your blessing and tear up! When you lay in your bed before sleeping and your
heart starts pounding when you think of how amazing your life is? Just because you can see the magic in the simplest, littlest things.
It’s just funny, I think if you asked someone to describe my life, I guess they would say it’s boring, because I never ever enjoy the things most people like to do, but I am just in love with every single little part of my life!
Is anyone else taken aback by the magic in this life? I mean just look at the sky, isn’t it so magical? Our existence, the little things called coincidences, oh there are so many magical things! I’m not high haha not at all, I just really really love life! And I am so grateful I feel there is no more room inside me to carry all this gratitude.
And the best part is, you can take a look at yourself, and you can see the person you want to become, and so you start working little by little, and one day you see how close you’ve become to the person you once imagined, until one day you see that person in your mirror! Ah wonderful wonderful life <3
I don’t feel this way all the time because life has its ups and downs leading to a perfect balance, but when I do feel like it, I can’t share it with anyone because people always think something is missing in their life in order to get to this state or they think I’m crazy! … So please tell me that there’s someone else out there who’s also feeling this way! Tell me that you understand, tell me that you’re in love with life! <3 Share your thoughts with me!
Last night after writing the forum “letter not to be sent”..I stumbled and fell. I emailed him. I wrote down my feeling on TB and on a piece paper than something in me just started to email him. I am trying to be gentle with myself ans true. I don’t want to lie to myself. Put on a brave face when I don’t feel brave. In my email to him, I expressed gratitude towards him. I told him about the work I have been doing. I told him about how the more I get to know myself, the more I understand why the relationship crumbled. With all forums I started here, I never mentioned how wonderful my ex was to me. He was patient with me on and off of anti depressant. He started closing off to me when all the burden of my sadness fell solely on him. I look to him for happiness. He kept telling to self nurture, to meditate and I never listened. I was too busy blaming him and the world for my unhappiness.
I told him how I missed him but knew that I have to love myself before I can accept his or anyone else’s love. I also told him the realty of why I acted like I did when he broke it off. See it was easier to blame everything on him than to look within and face the regret. I am in a stage of regret in this journey of mine. My ex was my friend and love. Losing him has become a life lesson for me.
What I now have to remember is that I don’t want his forgiveness. I just want clarity. I want to stop crying. I want to stop pitying myself. I want to stop having expectations of others. Honestly, a part of me just wants him to respond and tell me if all the remorse I am feeling is a fragment of my imagination or if he did actually love me. I know my insecurities are surfacing. I know not having a strong belief and support system within me is creating this chaos in my mind.
Honestly, I couldn’t bare the pain anymore. I couldn’t let go without expressing how I felt to my best friend. The last memory i have of my ex is him not being able to move from where he was standing in Florence cause we had another one of our 5\6 hour flight and I was crying. For a minute I thought he was having a stroke. He tried his best to hold on to our relationship and I kept pushing him away because I wanted to prove to my self loathing self that I am unlovable. All my adult life, I have been trying to prove myself right by pushing everyone away.
In the end, I wished him lucky and told him that the woman he is with is very lucky and I am very unlucky having had him in my life and lost.
I was never going to tell anyone about this but you guys have become family I never had.
Thanks for listening again….