I would really appreciate your opinion on what I’ve been going through recently.
My boyfriend and I are 22, have been together since freshman year of college- going on four years. We have many differences, but we are reflections of each others strengths and weaknesses. I value his perspective, and I know he values my own.
But it seems that we have been disagreeing about fundamental things recently, which scares me that we may not as be compatible as I would like to believe.
For instance, last night we had a lengthy conversation about compassion. Compassion is something that I have worked through. It has been very tough at times to practice compassion towards others, but more critically–myself. It is a very essential value to me, because it allows for self-love and gratitude. But he sees it differently; he thinks that compassion is weakness. That compassion is just an excuse. There is no reason to feel sympathy because it does no good. That it causes the poor and impoverish to stay on welfare. He thinks that all that those people need to do is to “work harder” and that will take them out of the situation. But No– I disagree. Because I have volunteered in developing countries, and have heard the stories of the unfortunate. It’s not anything that they can just snap out of. They are a product of their environment, their influences, and their attitude (shaped by others). Working harder is not the answer. Telling someone that does no good. But by practicing compassion you can help them. I honestly believe that.
But it doesn’t matter– we just have a difference of opinion there. The only thing that scares me is that I actually will need compassion sometime in our relationship. Because mistakes happen and to get past them I need compassion. He needs tough love; I need sympathy. Very different ways of handling hardships. And our future children will need compassion so that they grow up knowing that its okay to be vulnerable.
Speaking of children…we’ve had this talk before. I want two children- I can tell I have the motherly instincts and I know that I’ll be a wonderful mother in the future. He- on the other hand- is not for them. He says that he could suffer through having one. I realize that most men don’t want kids until they are older. But what if he doesn’t? What if having kids makes him miserable? I would never want him to go through that- and plus I wouldn’t want a partner that isn’t excited about having kids. It shouldn’t be a deal breaker, right? That’s what I keep telling myself.
Okay and here comes the final facet of this complex situation. Last night (yes, it was a veryyy long night), he told me that he a crush on my best friend. And he left it at that. It’s just a crush. It may be just a physical thing. That’s what he thinks.
She is a very positive person, very attractive, very fitness oriented (which align with his goals right now), and I think he’s just infatuated. But my friend and I have been close for four years, and he’s known her for that long as well. It wasn’t until the last two years that the three of us got really close. We have gone on vacations before, just the three of us and I’ve never been concerned because they are both very trustworthy people, and of course I was the middleman. Then two months ago they went on a trip–it was a marathon race in a different state– by themselves (i had work, i couldn’t go). They stayed in a hotel room together, and I thought it was very trusting of me to let them go, and be okay that they were so close. Nothing happened. So it was all good.
But when he told me how he felt last night, it makes me feel scared. There is nothing holding them back from being together. They are both really great people. And I know that he loves me and that we are best friends…but couldn’t they develop it as well?
He said that he told me because he wanted to be honest with me. I appreciate that. But at what point do I decide what to do? Do I let time figure this thing out?
Am I overthinking this? I know that I’ve covered a lot of different issues here. But I can’t talk about this to anyone. I don’t want my friends of family to have a skewed perception of my boyfriend because everyone loves him and I don’t want to involve anyone in our issues. Maybe an outsider’s perspective will help.
There are some times when you find yourself in a situation that’s like the straw that broke the camel’s back, like a drop that overfilled the glass. Since my childhood I lived a very lousy life,with a lot of problems,loneliness,pain ,abuse etc. But miraculously I’ve always managed to go through everything without losing hope. To get to the point, it’s been three years now that I’ve had a problem I can’t deal with whatsoever. One of the terrible aspects of my life is the family I was born in. Just to keep the story short I’m the fourth child(girl) of a five children family and I’ve been havind bad relationship with my little sister since I can remember. She is the fifth and last child so my parents spoiled her very much whereas they have been very cruel with me.Just an exemple of the uneven treatment is that they always beat me up as the older one to the point that it would take days for my wounds to heal but they never laid a hand on her. So despite of growing up feeling this kind of injustice in everything I always loved her and was a caring sister. But as we were growing up she developed a very selfish personality with no respect and gratitude for me . At some point when we were still living together I didn’t talk to her for a whole year due to my impotence to deal with her disregard and harshness towards me.
When my father gave me no choice but to leave home I was relieved a lot from my family’s burden but I had to go through horrible times to stand on my feet and feel for the first time a little bit free.But at that point, almost three years ago, something happened that may seem stupid to a lot of people but it has turned into an obsession for me for the last three years. During all the previous years and all of the suffering that I have endured in almost every aspect of my life ,because when you start your life badly it goes on worse due to one problem causing the other, I never holded a grudge and never resented god or hated any person that hurt me because one dream kept me alive. I had been dreaming from the early years that one day I would be travelling all around the world,away from all the people that brought upon me so much pain because back then it was the only thing nobody cared about, no one wanted it , no one knew how great it would be so it was the only escape possible for me,exactly because all of the people that were suffocating me would not be there. The big mistake was that I got so hung up on it that I didn’t see how I was developing my own weakness because as I realized later, the things we need end up owning us. So what happened?? My little sister met a wonderful guy, he is successful, handsome and loves her very much. So what are the chances?? He loves travelling and his job includes a paid trip every 6 months so he always takes my sister with him and she always brings souvenirs home( she lives with my mother so I always see them when visiting) and now her dream has become travelling the world and she speaks about it all the time.
So this is the situation in general. My problem is that since it started I have completely lost my mind. Suddenly all the pain that I’ve been repressing in me has turned into hatred,rage and I feel out of control. After that I cry every day as if I’ll cry all I haven’t cried all my life.I can’t sleep,I see it in my nightmares.Any time I hear somebody talking about trips or see something relevant on tv, it makes my stomach move. Now I feel disgust about the thing that holded me through the years so now I feel like collapsing. I don’t recognize myself anymore,all the bad things I’m considering doing in order to restore this injustice since life or god or whoever does nothing about it. What makes me furious is that I find no sufficient answer to this injustice,which I am absolutely aware that represents all the unfair things that I’ve seen in my and in others’ life.I mean how is it possible that I have been always a good person, I have fought so much against evil and I have suffered so much through the best years of a person’s life keeping the FAITH alive and my sister, a selfish,spoiled and ungrateful person who lives only to indulge her whims gets so beautiful things, worthy people to love her and what’s aggravating my rage is that she is LIVING MY DREAM!!!!! Even at this moment, while I’m writing, I feel my hands wanting to smother her.
It’s been three years and I can’t find any remedy to cure myself.Every day I feel worse, I can’t move on because I’m stuck, this hate is asphyxiating me.I can’t cope with this injustice. I can see a meaning in life taking something away from me but why did it have to be specificly the only person I hate, I mean why???? Why do I have to keep my faith strong and my hops up when it’s all meaningless,when goodness makes no sense,when you rarely get a chance to avenge your pain.This question has torn me apart,it’s eating away at me slowly and patiently a single piece every day, I feel sicker before my helplessness to react. I can’t react because I can do no harm,because I can’t show it hurts me because she will feel even better, It’s like the only thing I can do, to ACCEPT it, it’s the only thing I CAN’T do.
I’m so sorry for my rumbling for so long,it’s my first time I share this story with someone ,since I have no friends, and I tried to keep it as short as possible. Anyone who would be interested to answer, please don’t waste your energy in platitudes,in patronizing or condescending advice. No offence to anyone but only an inspired recommendation can do any good to a person to who death seems the only answer any more!!
My story begins with meeting a future husband at the age of 18, getting engaged and married by the age of 23. I have ALWAYS wanted children and was ready to start straight away. However, my husband wasn’t ready. In fact, when we got together at the age of 18, he told me he never wanted to get married and never wanted kids. I said to him that I want both those things and that if he wanted to be with me then he’d have to want those things as well.
As you can see, he was happy to go down the marriage path, but was more reluctant to embark on the path of children. He asked me to wait until I could wait no longer then we’d have kids. So fast forward 9 years, we had our gorgeous son. I was 32 years of age. Following my son’s very difficult birth, my husband went AWOL emotionally. My marriage was always difficult as he suffered from anxiety/depression and our marriage had, as a result, become about him and his needs. Suddenly with the birth of our son, our marriage was no longer about him and he couldn’t cope. Unfortunately, our marriage didn’t survive.
I have since met another man, and we married in March this year. He is an amazing man, loving, generous…all the things I have ever wanted in a life partner. He is helping me raise my son (who also sees his actual father every second weekend) and I am helping him raise his daughter.
Herein is the snag: When my new husband and I first got together, he asked me if I wanted more children. I said I wasn’t sure as I’d been through so much in the last few years and I was tired. About 12 months after that I told him that I did want another child and we agreed to start trying. Then we hit a problem for a brief while (unrelated), so while we worked through it we put the baby making on hold. About 6 months later, I approached him again about having another child and he’d changed his mind 🙁
We weren’t married at this point, but we were engaged and living together, and planning our wedding. He told me that he’s changed his mind, he was done with having children and wanted to focus on raising the two we had. He also said that the issue of children is a dealbreaker, that if I wanted to be with him then that was it for my childbearing (he didn’t use those words though).
I thought I was OK with it. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want to give up the family we’d worked hard to create. I had to think about the two children we have between u,s and the big adjustments they have been through in adapting to being in a blended family.
Fast forwarding again to today which 12 months down the track and following our recent wedding, I am consumed by the thought of another child. It is all I can think about. When I’m not thinking about it, I carry a huge lump of emotion in my stomach.
I am desperately trying to focus on what I have now, not what I don’t have. I have a husband whom I adore and is an amazing man. I have a gorgeous 12 year old step daughter whom I have a fantastic, loving relationship with, and I have a handsome, gorgeous 6 year old son. I have a loving, supportive extended family, nieces, nephews, in laws etc and we have an enormous group of friends that we see and socialise with regularly. They have children that our children are growing up with, we all go camping together and I will always have someone to turn to in times of need. I am studying towards a new career of teaching primary students, and I am very excited about this. We are planning on doing a lot of travel with the children and we’ve already had some amazing holidays.
Why, oh why, when my life is so full and so so wonderful, do I allow myself to be consumed by the thoughts of another baby?? Barring an accident, it isn’t going to happen for me. Even then an accident is unlikely as I’m approaching 40. I’m terrified of letting go of wanting a child and just living in today because that effectively shuts the door on my childbearing years. There’s no time for changing minds down the track. This is it, now or never.
I know that I have been blessed more than many people. I have some of friends that lost their chance at having children for a variety of reasons. One child is a far cry from none. One plus a step daughter whom I love and who loves me, is a far cry from being childless.
I need to work on my gratitude.
I’m going to start a gratitude journal and hope that by focussing on what I have and what I am grateful to have, then I may stop focussing on what I don’t have.
Does anyone have any other suggestions for me??
(Sorry for the loooong post!!)
Topic: The Breakthrough.
I have done major research with LoA, on the conscious and subconscious mind in the past, but never really accomplished much with it because I would lose heart and revert back to previous thinking patterns, however this past month I decided to do put some major spiritual effort into some fantastic meditations and now truly understand that it is about living the moment after putting what we want out there. All I wanted was inner peace, because that’s the only starting point.
The key is to be happy now and truly live in the present, regardless of whether its raining outside or that date cancels there is a reason for it. The keys to the kingdom are to embrace all that happens to us, because there is a greater reason beyond any challenge we encounter. The problem I used to have was that I couldn’t accept challenges, now I accept them for what they are and how they allow us to be better and grow.
A few days ago after I had finished my 30 days I violently ill. I was sick, I had stomach cramps and major headache and flu like symptoms for about 12 hours, not to mention massive fear, huge fear. At first I was concerned that the meditations had some adverse effect, but then I realized it truly was a spiritual cleansing. I had also prayed for many people in my life and also practiced gratitude for all that I am.
I did some research and it seemed to fit, many others had suffered the same, but also had the sense of immense peace soon after. I also noticed in the space of a few hours that there was a major shift from the fear I felt to peace in mind and heart. The room where I practice my meditation also had a warmth to it that I cannot describe. I felt a tranquility that I hadn’t felt in years. Is it possible that the final piece of the puzzle of inner peace had finally arrived?
I believe so. I really do.
The headaches were in my humble opinion my ego trying to hold onto to its position in my mind, but I feel I had pushed it aside. I feel more together, I can concentrate better. I am not sweating the past or anticipating the future. I am able to truly live the moment, and its an incredible feeling.
So I say to all whether you are just beginning to find yourself or whether you have or are about to. Keep doing what you are doing because you don’t know how close you are to the next step.
I’m not saying challenge is over. (Where’s the fun in that!?) All I am saying is that I am better positioned to accept and conquer these challenges.
I hope each of you that reads this today gets something positive from this, and also has anyone else experienced anything like this? If so I’d love to hear your story.
Topic: Nurture not the Emptiness
“Grief can destroy you –or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.”
-Dean Koontz, Odd Hours
As some of you may already know we lost a vital member of the Kanary Team in February. Maureen Kanary lost her battle with an aggressive, metastatic form of small cell lung cancer. She was the main administrator, accounts receivable, muse and foundation of the Kanary Team for the passed 40 years. She will be dearly missed and her life will be celebrated through our gratitude for the zest, inspiration and generous nature of the matriarch of the Kanary family. In the aftermath of this loss we have all been faced with a vacuous hole in our lives where there once dwelled a mother, a wife, an aunt, a grangmother, a friend, a lover, a compatriot, a true leader and an example by which many now integrate virtues they’ve learned from her into their lives. She was an example of how love, generosity and a commitment to living excellently, prosperously and happily can unravel the mysteries of our time here on this earth.
This loss was a proverbial weapon of mass destruction and the associated grief similar to the aftermath of such a weapon; hanging heavy in the air most days much like radiation fallout. While massive and destructive, I have managed to discover a very interesting aspect to this event and perhaps any and all obstacles or troubles I may face in the future; within this horror lies dormant light, dormant seeds of opportunity whose growth potential are dependent upon my personal ability to shift my perspective and choose the attitude with which I will approach these days of grieving.
Maureen’s nature was to give until she could give no longer, to love, to forgive and to cherish all of those for whom she cared. She would expect nothing less than her soul and the life that she shared with us to be cherished by taking this experience as a lesson, a tool, and learning and developing from it. Learning to be more giving, more tolerant, more faithful and committed, more driven, more ambitious and more aware of the resources that this Universe has provided. More able to express myself creatively and, in turn, enjoy the rich tapestry of beauty that is all around me every day.
You see, the death of Maureen may have prostrated me, caused resentments towards life, the Universe and whatever created it, caused more suffering than was necessary. Suffering is necessary but I have discovered that the depth and duration of it that I experience is a matter of choice, a matter of how I choose to respond to this personal cataclysm. The grieving process is natural, very personal and completely subjective. A process which should take time and energy, self-reflection and self-development. to me it is much like any negative emotional reaction or thought like fear for example, within which lies the seeds of excellence, personal development and growth. These times in our lives that are identified sometimes as ‘negative’ experiences are really not confined to that definition. While there is a negative side to it, there is also an awakening to the deeper beauty of her life, of our relationship and memories, an awakening to the beauty of life in general.
These painful events need not prostrate you or set you off your path. They can be challenges, challenges designed to strengthen your resolve, reveal your deepest values, your character, your resilience, and provide the opportunity for you to further your life in the direction of your dreams. I can identify that my immediate primal reaction of fear, grief and pain was completely natural. I’ve allowed that to play out without stuffing emotions down, allowed myself to feel the pain right through to the end, allowed the tears to come whenever they came. I accepted the reality and, through acceptance, I have allowed myself to be authentic in response.
It is through acceptance I am allowed freedom from the residual doubts and weight that this loss could have caused. It is not accepting, in denial or refusal, that creates conflict, creates division and divide which would magnify, intensify and prolong the grief and sorrow. Maureen’s death was a catalyst, the results of which are completely based on my personal choice. Months later, what it boils down to is perspective; from which side will I observe this? What will I learn from this? What will I do to evolve, develop my character and strengthen my resolve? How can this affect me positively? When I asked myself these questions the paradigm shifted, the sorrow lifted and clarity and direction was within my grasp. Asking these questions may feel as though you are not grieving, you are not valuing the loss but these questions, this personal development, this acceptance and progression, is the greatest possible way to value the beauty of the life that was shared because it is through acceptance and asking these courageous questions that you develop your consciousness and perspective to adopt the sancitity of what was and cherish it in the present moment. You allow yourself to see the great sacredness of that life in a flower petal, a sunrise or a child’s smile, thereby enriching your soul and paying a deep and universal homage to the life and love you shared.
Nurture not the Emptiness but rejoice and fill your soul with the beauty around you.
Create some Fire and Pass the Torch,
The Kanary Team