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Topic: Going mad or finding sanity?
It’s difficult to say what is going on for me while I’m feeling very confused.
All I know is that on Monday I struggled to physically and mentally to get myself up and into the car for another day at work. On the way to work the anxiety was building and building until I got near to work and realised that I could not do it…not today. I just did not have the energy to put on my ‘mask’ and go into work with it firmly in place. I was in a state of panic and a great deal of emotional pain. I rang in sick and sat on the car park for an hour and half wondering what the hell was going on and what I was going to do next. I was an utter mess mentally and emotionally. I have never rung in sick…ever. 4 days later I am still not at work. I am so confused about what is going on.
I have been told by a couple of close people that I am doing the most healthiest thing I have ever done….my husband tells me he thinks I’ve finally broken down and has it coming for months. I keep hearing the voices of people at work asking me what’s wrong and me answering I have absolutely no idea. I think I enjoy my job but I am aware that the extensive shifts and weekend work has been getting me down for a long time. I see everybody else coping just fine! The amount of time I spent at work at one time in my life was useful…work was a distraction, escapism, focus and has even been my ‘home’. This was especially true when I was struggling with my husbands alcoholism. He is now 3 years sober and I have been in a support group for families affected by alcoholism for over 2 years. I realised that while my husbands obsession was alcohol…my obsession was him. Our relationship now has the chance to be healthy…my husband has changed so much in the last 3 years…he has found gratitude and humility in his life…it’s what keeps him sober. I know I have I have made some progress in my own recovery, however, my underlying self-hatred and self-loathing still rears it’s ugly head. I have regret for my past…my life never really had any direction even before I met my husband and I constantly project about the future. I cannot find anything to fill the big, dark, empty hole that I feel inside me…I feel I’ve been searching all my life but I never feel satisfied, nothing ever ‘does it’ for me. I’ll get married, I’ll start running, I’ll get a good job, I’ll eat healthily, I’ll go on holiday….nothing.ever.fixes.it. I get agitated and angry with my feeling of dissatisfaction and start thinking that maybe it’s my husband. Maybe I need to just go away somewhere. I get angry that I know I could never to do this anyway…whether it’s the right or wrong thing to do. I’ll have really good periods when I feel great, everything’s going well, I’m running lots which makes me feel good, I’m eating well, life seems to be ok…I feel great but then something will happen…either something doesn’t go my way, or my husband doesn’t react in a way I wished he would, or I can’t do something I want to do because of work shifts and then I start spiralling down into self-loathing, thoughts of death, very dark thoughts.
This is where I had been at the weekend before what happened on Monday. I had been in a very dark place for days. I don’t know how id got to work the week before, my body was extremely fatigued. I was getting more and more agitated and angry…it was affecting my husband and he told me so. I was pushing him away…If I carried on, I would push him too far and reinforce my fear of abandonment.
So, I am sat here today wondering what on earths happening too me and why I’m not a work. Was it that what happened on Monday was my body’s way of saying ‘no, not this time, enoughs enough, you will stop and take stock of how you feel’? Really? I ask. After 3 years of my husband being sober, 2 years in a support group? Wasn’t I supposed to be getting better? Is this me getting better? Is this me subconsciously saying you are taking some time out, to give yourself some space you deserve and need? Taking some time out for what? I then ask. How do I explain to work that I’ve not been at work because I couldn’t do ”it ‘ anymore and I needed some time out?! They will think I’m mad surely?! My husband is likening my situation to the day when he realised, or was awakened to the fact that he could no longer do ‘it’ anymore…and that’s the day when he stopped drinking.
I be waffled.a lot. I feel like I am insane. I haven’t felt like this since I felt insane when my husband was drinking. It’s a scary place to be in. Thanks for listening.Topic: Somebody please listen to me
Hello…..I need a friend who is willing to listen to me and give me a piece of advise
This year has been emotionally very traumatic but has been rewarding as well. However I have no motivation left …I have been living in the shadow of fear of being misjudged and losing everything I haveEarly this year a long term relationship Came to an end as my ex walked away instead of standing up for our relationship under his family influence. Besides that I discovered a few friends took my advantage as an opportunity to establish themselves and later bullied me. In a way now I’m glad they are not a part of my life anymore.I was heart broken …felt deceived…was very depressed and panicked ..moved cities to start a better life…
Soon after few weeks I lost one of my family members in an accident who was very dear to me.their untimely passing away left me with no hope. I felt there was nothing good left in life for me or my family. Later I came across a lovely man, who is now my husband. Even though I lived my life independently I come from a conservative background.I happened to discuss my past with my husband before we decided to get married as I wanted to make sure We were taking an informed decision instead of inviting unnecessary drama of past life into married life. My husband reassured me he doesn’t care about my past and he is a practical person with a positive outlook towards life and relationships.However I still keep worrying that there are wolves around us and that we need to keep us safe from them.
One of my friends who I always considered a trustworthy friend started behaving indifferently towards me ever since my ex broke up with me. They know everything about my personal life and whenever they saw me in person they were passing indecent comments by illustrating someone else’s circumstances that I could relate to me and my past. I discovered that they were directing those comments towards me. This person kept playing mind games with me.. They would encourage me and the next moment they would say something that deeply hurt my existence on this planet. They have been so insensitive about the death in my family too. Their harsh words (they misjudged my character) at times influenced me to rethink about my marriage. My family kept motivating me and reminded me how I lived my life so far without compromising on my values and honesty and that I should just believe things will fall in place. I could not avoid this person completely as I really hold a sense of respect for our friendship and I have gratitude towards them for being there for me during tough times in the past. I kept being patient with this person as I could sense they are not being themselves by acting indifferently towards me & that they will get back to their normal self. I contacted this person recently and they are still quite insensitive towards me and now I feel they are rejoicing the death of my family member.
Overall my fault is I over trusted my ex & my friends. Gave them an opportunity to deceive me. I’m just so exhausted with what ever happened in my life. I’m greatful to have been married to a man who is loving, practical and matured however I’m still living a fake life. I’m scared of being misjudged & labeled. I’m forced to keep in touch with sheep skinned wolves who I’m afraid they may talk bad about me and my past to my husband’s acquaintances. Ever since I lost my family member I have lost faith that everyone around me wants to bring me down. They cannot see me happy. The experiences I have had with people has created a sense of doubt in me towards everyone and everything. How can someone be cruel , & they know you are already suffering. Do you just stay quite , accept their harsh judgements (ignore) and let them walk all over you to protect yourself as they have known your life and they have power to screw your life? How can I tell them enough is enough? I do not wish to live with this fear anymore or I better die. I don’t want to be a cause of trouble to my husband in anyway. Why should I suffer when I haven’t done anything wrong. Is this what you get for sticking by your values and being honest – pain & deceit?
Stay Blessed