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  • #49203

    In reply to: Being lost

    chil
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    As you said yes I am consumed ………… I have to find out what I enjoy because my interests once are not any more interesting….
    Gratitude journal ………. I have to explore this…
    But the very sense of loss and lack of interests are overruling my life and clearly reflects on my personality.
    I need to get out of this for happy living …………

    Thanks
    chil

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by chil.
    #48866
    Mark
    Participant

    Lovinggirl I am honored that you want me as your sounding board.

    I love your gratitude list! I have a friend who puts down “waking up” and “the sun is out” as her gratitudes. I like that my friend catches even the “little things” to be grateful for. I am impressed with the fact you wrote a novel and that you work out 6 times a week all the while being a single mom.

    It sounds like you have really gone through some stages of grief and loss. 9 weeks of crying every day? Wow, it sounds like you are really loved deeply and in touch with your emotions. What great qualities to have!

    Your struggle whether it is OK or not to not have him in your life goes back to my measure of how I want to live my life, is it from Love or from Fear? I suspect that you are loving yourself when you want to move on and not let him negatively affect you anymore. I don’t claim to know Buddhism but it seems that what you are experiencing is being on the Eight Fold Path which is Right Understanding (http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble.htm).

    Whatever it is, it seems that you are healing and taking care of yourself.

    Give yourself a hug for that and hugs to you.
    Hugs to you.

    Metta,
    Mark

    #48859
    Matt
    Participant

    Ally,

    I’m sorry for the insecurities you experience, and know how difficult it can be to remain rooted in compassion. Sometimes when we get scared, our spacioisness of heart (in which compassion blooms) collapses, and we are left with jealousy, envy and agitation. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Compassion is sometimes a sense we have to intentionally grow. Consider for a moment that compassion is the willingness to let a person’s energy blossom without our own attachment. Said differently and specifically, Sarah wants to be happy, find balance, and be at ease… and her having close friendships is great for her. So, as we build compassion for Sarah, we spend time wishing her deep friendships with others. You, your girlfriend, her sister… whomever and however, just for the sake of Sarah’s well being and growth. We can sidestep our own harvesting from the relationship, our own nourishment and value judgments and simply wish Sarah well. Yes, jealousy will return. Fear will return. However, just breathe with it, and surrender back into the spacious view, the one of Sarah’s joy in finding connection wherever she can. As you intentionally grow compassion in this way, the “left behind” sense erodes with time. Said differently, the blossoming of compassion and envy are from the same root… one happens with space, and one happens when the space has collapsed because of fear… but both arrive from your deep respect for connection.

    The same is true with your girlfriend. Consider that her many partners has perhaps given her a skillfulness that you benefit from. Or, consider that from all of her dancing and sampling, seeking and connecting, she chose you. Now, when you feel secure in the relationship, perhaps this feels like honor, gratitude, and excitement. When insecure, it feels like a threat, as though you can’t compete with those other people… it can’t possibly be satisfying to her to be with little old you. To grow compassion for her more deeply, consider setting aside the way it impacts you, and look solely on her side. What was that like for her? Was it just beauty after beauty, or was it something else? From my experience, intimacy and sexual fulfillment grow stronger over time, so if she was bouncing through multiple partners, was she really finding fulfillment, joy, connection? Does she have any “slut” insecurities because of the number? Does she feel strong in her ability to feel safe and sexy with you? Are there things she found she enjoys/dislikes that would help her find greater joy with you?

    In this way, by asking questions and looking on her side, it becomes a simple thing to build a bridge, to walk out on that bridge, and take her in your arms with more totality. If both of you are invested in growing together, compassion builds an intimacy that naturally erodes the insecurities… because both sides get space. Said differently, as you come to know her more openly, without fear tinted glasses, the light from the connection naturally removes the shadowy doubt.

    Finally, there is almost always fear when we become vulnerable. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or the relationships (gf or Sarah), it just means you’re a little fearful. That’s actually fine, normal, and expected, and just means they matter to you. That’s good, because your heart is yearning for connection and love, which will help lead you home, no matter where you go. Said differently, you only feel afraid because of how much your heart loves others, and that is a strength and place that is a blessing for you and those around you. If the fears keep arising with potency, even after practicing compassion, perhaps consider beginning a metta meditation practice. Metta was taught by the Buddha to help quiet the mind, and strengthen our peacefulness and feeling of spacious friendship with others. Sharon Salzburg has a great guided meditation on youtube, if it is something that interests you.

    Ally, don’t forget to be gentle with yourself. Sometimes we can be impatient, as though it all should resolve now, if only we could pull the thorn from our foot. Sometimes it works that way, but usually its more like a vision of where the floor needs scrubbing, and it takes time and effort to see it through. So, don’t be discouraged if you experience relapse or cyclical emotional responses. That’s normal, but with time and effort, the power it has over you diminishes significantly. Then, even if the envy or fear arises, it is like “oh, that old hat again, let’s go ahead and take that off right now” and it fades within a few breaths.

    Namaste, dear sister, may your days and nights be spacious and glowing.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #48857

    In reply to: Liking Oneself

    Olic
    Participant

    Thank you both for your thoughtful replies!

    Mark:

    I really like the idea of a gratitude journal and will try that. Reflection and consideration is probably the order of the day. I currently practice zen meditation which helps me iron these things out and act mindfully towards myself and others afterwards.

    Lyla:

    The list you suggested is an excellent idea and will help me more proactively change the things that I view as an actual problem. Smiling is also a good idea – I could stand to be more outwards positive and try to make other people happy. I also need to expunge the guilt I feel towards others but I think that I’ll take a similar listing approach with that as well because I have observed that my feelings of guilt are often irrational.

    All the best to both of you!

    #48823
    Ally
    Participant

    Mark, I think a gratitude journal is a great idea. I’ve thought of doing something like that: writing something I am thankful for every day, even just one sentence per day. Makes sense for me, and certainly worth trying.

    Div: Thanks, I will work on concentrating my thoughts that way!!

    If anyone has other ideas, I’m happy to learn them. 🙂

    #48768
    wisp
    Participant

    It’s difficult to say what is going on for me while I’m feeling very confused.
    All I know is that on Monday I struggled to physically and mentally to get myself up and into the car for another day at work. On the way to work the anxiety was building and building until I got near to work and realised that I could not do it…not today. I just did not have the energy to put on my ‘mask’ and go into work with it firmly in place. I was in a state of panic and a great deal of emotional pain. I rang in sick and sat on the car park for an hour and half wondering what the hell was going on and what I was going to do next. I was an utter mess mentally and emotionally. I have never rung in sick…ever. 4 days later I am still not at work. I am so confused about what is going on.
    I have been told by a couple of close people that I am doing the most healthiest thing I have ever done….my husband tells me he thinks I’ve finally broken down and has it coming for months. I keep hearing the voices of people at work asking me what’s wrong and me answering I have absolutely no idea. I think I enjoy my job but I am aware that the extensive shifts and weekend work has been getting me down for a long time. I see everybody else coping just fine! The amount of time I spent at work at one time in my life was useful…work was a distraction, escapism, focus and has even been my ‘home’. This was especially true when I was struggling with my husbands alcoholism. He is now 3 years sober and I have been in a support group for families affected by alcoholism for over 2 years. I realised that while my husbands obsession was alcohol…my obsession was him. Our relationship now has the chance to be healthy…my husband has changed so much in the last 3 years…he has found gratitude and humility in his life…it’s what keeps him sober. I know I have I have made some progress in my own recovery, however, my underlying self-hatred and self-loathing still rears it’s ugly head. I have regret for my past…my life never really had any direction even before I met my husband and I constantly project about the future. I cannot find anything to fill the big, dark, empty hole that I feel inside me…I feel I’ve been searching all my life but I never feel satisfied, nothing ever ‘does it’ for me. I’ll get married, I’ll start running, I’ll get a good job, I’ll eat healthily, I’ll go on holiday….nothing.ever.fixes.it. I get agitated and angry with my feeling of dissatisfaction and start thinking that maybe it’s my husband. Maybe I need to just go away somewhere. I get angry that I know I could never to do this anyway…whether it’s the right or wrong thing to do. I’ll have really good periods when I feel great, everything’s going well, I’m running lots which makes me feel good, I’m eating well, life seems to be ok…I feel great but then something will happen…either something doesn’t go my way, or my husband doesn’t react in a way I wished he would, or I can’t do something I want to do because of work shifts and then I start spiralling down into self-loathing, thoughts of death, very dark thoughts.
    This is where I had been at the weekend before what happened on Monday. I had been in a very dark place for days. I don’t know how id got to work the week before, my body was extremely fatigued. I was getting more and more agitated and angry…it was affecting my husband and he told me so. I was pushing him away…If I carried on, I would push him too far and reinforce my fear of abandonment.
    So, I am sat here today wondering what on earths happening too me and why I’m not a work. Was it that what happened on Monday was my body’s way of saying ‘no, not this time, enoughs enough, you will stop and take stock of how you feel’? Really? I ask. After 3 years of my husband being sober, 2 years in a support group? Wasn’t I supposed to be getting better? Is this me getting better? Is this me subconsciously saying you are taking some time out, to give yourself some space you deserve and need? Taking some time out for what? I then ask. How do I explain to work that I’ve not been at work because I couldn’t do ”it ‘ anymore and I needed some time out?! They will think I’m mad surely?! My husband is likening my situation to the day when he realised, or was awakened to the fact that he could no longer do ‘it’ anymore…and that’s the day when he stopped drinking.
    I be waffled.a lot. I feel like I am insane. I haven’t felt like this since I felt insane when my husband was drinking. It’s a scary place to be in. Thanks for listening.

    #48753

    In reply to: Liking Oneself

    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Pete.
    I would start with the Loving Kindness Meditation (you can find YouTube versions as well as other ones online). This way you can think of someone that you love in your live and capture that feeling in your heart. You can move on to other people in your life as well with yourself.

    Another idea is to have a gratitude journal with the focus on what you like about yourself.

    Be diligent with your mediation and gratitudes on a daily basis.

    You also may want to consider therapy.

    Metta,
    Mark

    #48734
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Ally,
    You have already noted that comparing yourself brings on unhappiness. If I was in your position, I would focus on keeping a gratitude journal. What is good in your life every day?

    Keep your bubbly nurtured. Be around people that uplift you. Focus on your own joy and co-create that joy with others. Be in service to those who are less fortunate. Share your bubbly and happy demeanor.

    Let me know if this makes sense and do-able for you.

    Metta,
    Mark

    #48549
    Renée
    Participant

    Hi K,

    I am intimately familiar with your situation. I understand your suffering completely. As a person who has had my own past issues with a sister whom I love and wish for nothing but her happiness but have no contact with by her choice, I hope you find some of what I counsel helpful.

    As difficult as it may seem, maybe try to take the labels away from this relationship and view each other as just human beings. Part of the issue here is that she is your religious and conservative sister. While labels may be intrinsically true they are obstacles that can stop one from objectively seeing another being. You both are beings on this earth, you both are suffering, and you both desire happiness. While these are three truths, how you approach suffering and happiness is an individual experience and we are only capable of choosing for ourselves how we do this. Her beliefs and boundaries are her own and although we may not agree or like them it is not up to us discount them.

    In my sister’s and my case I don’t agree with her choice but I respect that it is her choice. Years ago I let this decision invade my life on a regular basis. I let it tell me I must have done something to deserve this and then swing to anger for her “ridiculous” beliefs and then be sad because I felt like I lost my sister and then be resentful for her trying to nasty to me when I was being kind in return. I gave the whole situation too much power and let it fester. I know now that I let it control my feelings about myself and others in an unhealthy and negative way much more than I would have believed.

    When the hurt is recent it can be difficult to let it go, however it is already in your past. The past will not change no matter how much we dwell on it and more often the dwelling has negative effects on your present state. When you find yourself dwelling on a negative situation try stopping for just a moment and breathe. Inhale and exhale for a few repetitions. From here there are any number of ways of handling the negativity. First you can internalize gratitude. Be grateful for the breath and the moment you are in. You were never guaranteed this moment and yet you have it. Gratitudes are a tremendous way to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. It helps to bring peace and calm to you. Secondly, try to be compassionate to yourself. Recognize that you are suffering and truly want to alleviate it.

    Let go of what you believe others think about you and believe that you are worthy of loving and belonging. Keep your thoughts and words kind first to yourself and then to others. Know that there is nothing you need to change to make your self acceptable to others. Learn what you desire within you and not what anyone else wants you of you. Make your choices with compassion, tolerance, and in peace and you will nothing but true to yourself.

    A final thought; Although it is difficult to just let things be that is probably the best thing to do. That is my suggestion but of course you will ultimately have to make that decision.

    I hope you can find peace,
    Renée

    #48545
    Renée
    Participant

    I recognize that you have had many significant events in your life recently that are difficult to process. Your sadness and feelings of loss are obvious. I hope I am understanding your dilemma and can offer some words of support.

    Your past has had some difficulties but it also appears you hope for a better future. It also seems as though you believe some force out side of yourself has led you to this point and you believe you had/need to change. A few things on these perspectives that I would counsel as I see it.

    First, your past is your past. I know that sounds too simple but think about this. It happened, it will not change, you dwelling on it will not change it, and most likely dwelling on the past does nothing to help you today. It only causes disruptions to your ability to find peace. If it is not having a positive effect on your life right now then it is a negative influence. Unfortunately, negativity seems to take very little energy to gain strength and disrupt peace. I am not saying you need to be happy all the time but not to dwell on the past that has negative effects. Where you can, accept the apologies that you never received. Also, when you meditate try to focus on gratitudes. Gratitudes fill us with happiness. Practice being grateful for the simple things. Be grateful for this moment, your breath, mobility, or intelligence. You were never guaranteed these things and yet at this very moment they are happening to you and you are alive and here to enjoy them again at this moment.

    Also, she can not see what you want her to see because it is something she has to do. We can not change anyone. The only person we can be responsible for is ourselves.

    The person you are today is probably not that significantly more different than who you were in the past, possibly more aware and hopeful, but the same? I also look at changes more as obstacles. To me obstacles in life are merely lessons that shape my desires, intentions, and efforts. I am presented new opportunities, challenges, and choices everyday and how I choose to respond directly effects the outcome. I strive to chose compassion, tolerance, and peace, and when I find myself responding in another way I simply refocus myself and go back to myself and try it again. There is no failure or wrong way. Simply re-attempts and refocusing. If you are practicing this everyday then the “changes” you want her to “see” will be known.

    I hope this has been helpful.

    Renée

    Cathy
    Participant

    Jennifer, I’m in tears after your note. My email is scathrynp@gmail.com would you possibly email me so that I can ask you a few more questions? You seem to be the only person in the world understanding where I am. Words cannot express my gratitude for your message.

    Thank you just doesn’t cut it, you have no idea what it means.

    Cathryn

    #48419
    Renée
    Participant

    Nathan,

    While I can sympathize with your confusion, frustration and suffering, I also believe Mark has given you some good advice.

    Sitting down and breathing and bringing yourself to the present will help tremendously to calm your being. The only person you can truly help in this situation is yourself. You are the only person you can change. The past has happened and no amount of focusing on what has happened is going to change that. To also sit and dwell on a future that you envision will happen is only a fantasy. You have no guarantee that what you believe to be perfect in the future will be especially when you are projecting others into this vision of the future.

    Also, as you sit and breathe, notice what thoughts come to mind. If it is not positive then try to let it go. Reliving what you believe someone did to you? Accept the apology you never received. Insulting your self for actions of the past? They can not be changed. Be aware and resolve to not repeat. Also think of these negative voices/ideas as something separate from yourself. Would you continue to listen and hang out with someone who talked to you this way all the time? If your answer is no, then replace those negative voices and ideas with something positive.

    I find the most basic way to develop a positive attitude is to have gratitude for my breath. When a I breathe, I know I am alive at that moment. I was never guaranteed this moment and yet it is a gift life gives me. I am grateful for my breath. I am grateful for this moment. I am grateful for living. Try replacing some of your negatives with this gratitude. Be grateful for mobility and intelligence. They are tremendous gifts.

    I hope this is helpful and you find your peace,
    Renéw

    #48388

    In reply to: Need urgent advice

    Renée
    Participant

    I can understand your frustration and sadness in this situation. One thing I would like to say, which I believe you have already touched on, is that you can not control other people or situations. The only person you can change is yourself.

    It is worrisome that you appear to be living in a “toxic” situation. This type of situation is not good for anyone, even the bully. If you are not living in a positive environment then it is a negative environment and negativity needs little to be nourished especially if it has become a habitual behavior.

    Only you can make the decision about what is best for you. Your options seem to be simple in idea but either are difficult to put to practice. Either way you need a support group or person outside of your situation to help guide you.

    First,know that you are all beings, you are all suffering, and you all desire happiness. You can practice compassion for yourself first and then for others. Recognize you are suffering and then find something to be grateful for. It can be something as simple as “I breathe right now and I am alive. I was not guaranteed this momemt and yet I am experiencing it.” It is a most basic feeling of gratitude that anyone can practice. When you feel like you are losing your calm or peace, refocus on this gratitude. Smile and find your happiness at this moment. Eventually you will be to also internalize their suffering as well and still be able to find your own peace. This does take great amounts of practice. It is not something that occurs overnight. Sometimes this practice can change the dynamics between people.

    Second, would be to remove yourself from the negative situation. Unfortunatly, no matter how much you are willing to try, accept, learn, and forgive the only possible route is to leave. This is especially important if you are being bullied regardless of whether it is emotional or physical. You must be compassionate to your situation and what should be done for your well being.

    I will hope the best and a calm and speedy solution.
    Renée

    #48044
    Mark
    Participant

    Your world was turned upside down by discovering your father to be someone else that you thought he was. I imagine that has made you rethink what is really true in the World. If your own dad has lied and betrayed the family then what else that I counted on does not hold true? No wonder it is hard to make friends at uni since who can you trust?

    I like the Dalai Lama quote: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
    There is a Loving Kindness Meditation that may help you to get to that place of compassion .. for yourself as well as for others. You can Google it for there are several out there online. YouTube has some.

    Also you may want to try listing your Gratitudes daily so that you can focus on the good things in your life on a regular basis to get your mind out of what is not going right in your life.

    I don’t think these are quick fixes. I think you should give yourself time to grieve and heal for the loss of that image of your dad, the loss of that trust you had for him, and the loss of that foundation which you model your relationships on.

    Take care.

    Metta,
    Mark

    #47926
    Precious K
    Participant

    Hello…..I need a friend who is willing to listen to me and give me a piece of advise
    This year has been emotionally very traumatic but has been rewarding as well. However I have no motivation left …I have been living in the shadow of fear of being misjudged and losing everything I have

    Early this year a long term relationship Came to an end as my ex walked away instead of standing up for our relationship under his family influence. Besides that I discovered a few friends took my advantage as an opportunity to establish themselves and later bullied me. In a way now I’m glad they are not a part of my life anymore.I was heart broken …felt deceived…was very depressed and panicked ..moved cities to start a better life…

    Soon after few weeks I lost one of my family members in an accident who was very dear to me.their untimely passing away left me with no hope. I felt there was nothing good left in life for me or my family. Later I came across a lovely man, who is now my husband. Even though I lived my life independently I come from a conservative background.I happened to discuss my past with my husband before we decided to get married as I wanted to make sure We were taking an informed decision instead of inviting unnecessary drama of past life into married life. My husband reassured me he doesn’t care about my past and he is a practical person with a positive outlook towards life and relationships.However I still keep worrying that there are wolves around us and that we need to keep us safe from them.

    One of my friends who I always considered a trustworthy friend started behaving indifferently towards me ever since my ex broke up with me. They know everything about my personal life and whenever they saw me in person they were passing indecent comments by illustrating someone else’s circumstances that I could relate to me and my past. I discovered that they were directing those comments towards me. This person kept playing mind games with me.. They would encourage me and the next moment they would say something that deeply hurt my existence on this planet. They have been so insensitive about the death in my family too. Their harsh words (they misjudged my character) at times influenced me to rethink about my marriage. My family kept motivating me and reminded me how I lived my life so far without compromising on my values and honesty and that I should just believe things will fall in place. I could not avoid this person completely as I really hold a sense of respect for our friendship and I have gratitude towards them for being there for me during tough times in the past. I kept being patient with this person as I could sense they are not being themselves by acting indifferently towards me & that they will get back to their normal self. I contacted this person recently and they are still quite insensitive towards me and now I feel they are rejoicing the death of my family member.

    Overall my fault is I over trusted my ex & my friends. Gave them an opportunity to deceive me. I’m just so exhausted with what ever happened in my life. I’m greatful to have been married to a man who is loving, practical and matured however I’m still living a fake life. I’m scared of being misjudged & labeled. I’m forced to keep in touch with sheep skinned wolves who I’m afraid they may talk bad about me and my past to my husband’s acquaintances. Ever since I lost my family member I have lost faith that everyone around me wants to bring me down. They cannot see me happy. The experiences I have had with people has created a sense of doubt in me towards everyone and everything. How can someone be cruel , & they know you are already suffering. Do you just stay quite , accept their harsh judgements (ignore) and let them walk all over you to protect yourself as they have known your life and they have power to screw your life? How can I tell them enough is enough? I do not wish to live with this fear anymore or I better die. I don’t want to be a cause of trouble to my husband in anyway. Why should I suffer when I haven’t done anything wrong. Is this what you get for sticking by your values and being honest – pain & deceit?

    Stay Blessed

    • This topic was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Precious K.
    • This topic was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Precious K.
Viewing 15 results - 751 through 765 (of 835 total)