Hi Pete.
I would start with the Loving Kindness Meditation (you can find YouTube versions as well as other ones online). This way you can think of someone that you love in your live and capture that feeling in your heart. You can move on to other people in your life as well with yourself.

Another idea is to have a gratitude journal with the focus on what you like about yourself.

Be diligent with your mediation and gratitudes on a daily basis.

You also may want to consider therapy.

Metta,
Mark

Hi Ally,
You have already noted that comparing yourself brings on unhappiness. If I was in your position, I would focus on keeping a gratitude journal. What is good in your life every day?

Keep your bubbly nurtured. Be around people that uplift you. Focus on your own joy and co-create that joy with others. Be in service to those who are less fortunate. Share your bubbly and happy demeanor.

Let me know if this makes sense and do-able for you.

Metta,
Mark

Hi K,

I am intimately familiar with your situation. I understand your suffering completely. As a person who has had my own past issues with a sister whom I love and wish for nothing but her happiness but have no contact with by her choice, I hope you find some of what I counsel helpful.

As difficult as it may seem, maybe try to take the labels away from this relationship and view each other as just human beings. Part of the issue here is that she is your religious and conservative sister. While labels may be intrinsically true they are obstacles that can stop one from objectively seeing another being. You both are beings on this earth, you both are suffering, and you both desire happiness. While these are three truths, how you approach suffering and happiness is an individual experience and we are only capable of choosing for ourselves how we do this. Her beliefs and boundaries are her own and although we may not agree or like them it is not up to us discount them.

In my sister’s and my case I don’t agree with her choice but I respect that it is her choice. Years ago I let this decision invade my life on a regular basis. I let it tell me I must have done something to deserve this and then swing to anger for her “ridiculous” beliefs and then be sad because I felt like I lost my sister and then be resentful for her trying to nasty to me when I was being kind in return. I gave the whole situation too much power and let it fester. I know now that I let it control my feelings about myself and others in an unhealthy and negative way much more than I would have believed.

When the hurt is recent it can be difficult to let it go, however it is already in your past. The past will not change no matter how much we dwell on it and more often the dwelling has negative effects on your present state. When you find yourself dwelling on a negative situation try stopping for just a moment and breathe. Inhale and exhale for a few repetitions. From here there are any number of ways of handling the negativity. First you can internalize gratitude. Be grateful for the breath and the moment you are in. You were never guaranteed this moment and yet you have it. Gratitudes are a tremendous way to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. It helps to bring peace and calm to you. Secondly, try to be compassionate to yourself. Recognize that you are suffering and truly want to alleviate it.

Let go of what you believe others think about you and believe that you are worthy of loving and belonging. Keep your thoughts and words kind first to yourself and then to others. Know that there is nothing you need to change to make your self acceptable to others. Learn what you desire within you and not what anyone else wants you of you. Make your choices with compassion, tolerance, and in peace and you will nothing but true to yourself.

A final thought; Although it is difficult to just let things be that is probably the best thing to do. That is my suggestion but of course you will ultimately have to make that decision.

I hope you can find peace,
Renée

I recognize that you have had many significant events in your life recently that are difficult to process. Your sadness and feelings of loss are obvious. I hope I am understanding your dilemma and can offer some words of support.

Your past has had some difficulties but it also appears you hope for a better future. It also seems as though you believe some force out side of yourself has led you to this point and you believe you had/need to change. A few things on these perspectives that I would counsel as I see it.

First, your past is your past. I know that sounds too simple but think about this. It happened, it will not change, you dwelling on it will not change it, and most likely dwelling on the past does nothing to help you today. It only causes disruptions to your ability to find peace. If it is not having a positive effect on your life right now then it is a negative influence. Unfortunately, negativity seems to take very little energy to gain strength and disrupt peace. I am not saying you need to be happy all the time but not to dwell on the past that has negative effects. Where you can, accept the apologies that you never received. Also, when you meditate try to focus on gratitudes. Gratitudes fill us with happiness. Practice being grateful for the simple things. Be grateful for this moment, your breath, mobility, or intelligence. You were never guaranteed these things and yet at this very moment they are happening to you and you are alive and here to enjoy them again at this moment.

Also, she can not see what you want her to see because it is something she has to do. We can not change anyone. The only person we can be responsible for is ourselves.

The person you are today is probably not that significantly more different than who you were in the past, possibly more aware and hopeful, but the same? I also look at changes more as obstacles. To me obstacles in life are merely lessons that shape my desires, intentions, and efforts. I am presented new opportunities, challenges, and choices everyday and how I choose to respond directly effects the outcome. I strive to chose compassion, tolerance, and peace, and when I find myself responding in another way I simply refocus myself and go back to myself and try it again. There is no failure or wrong way. Simply re-attempts and refocusing. If you are practicing this everyday then the “changes” you want her to “see” will be known.

I hope this has been helpful.

Renée

Nathan,

While I can sympathize with your confusion, frustration and suffering, I also believe Mark has given you some good advice.

Sitting down and breathing and bringing yourself to the present will help tremendously to calm your being. The only person you can truly help in this situation is yourself. You are the only person you can change. The past has happened and no amount of focusing on what has happened is going to change that. To also sit and dwell on a future that you envision will happen is only a fantasy. You have no guarantee that what you believe to be perfect in the future will be especially when you are projecting others into this vision of the future.

Also, as you sit and breathe, notice what thoughts come to mind. If it is not positive then try to let it go. Reliving what you believe someone did to you? Accept the apology you never received. Insulting your self for actions of the past? They can not be changed. Be aware and resolve to not repeat. Also think of these negative voices/ideas as something separate from yourself. Would you continue to listen and hang out with someone who talked to you this way all the time? If your answer is no, then replace those negative voices and ideas with something positive.

I find the most basic way to develop a positive attitude is to have gratitude for my breath. When a I breathe, I know I am alive at that moment. I was never guaranteed this moment and yet it is a gift life gives me. I am grateful for my breath. I am grateful for this moment. I am grateful for living. Try replacing some of your negatives with this gratitude. Be grateful for mobility and intelligence. They are tremendous gifts.

I hope this is helpful and you find your peace,
Renéw

I can understand your frustration and sadness in this situation. One thing I would like to say, which I believe you have already touched on, is that you can not control other people or situations. The only person you can change is yourself.

It is worrisome that you appear to be living in a “toxic” situation. This type of situation is not good for anyone, even the bully. If you are not living in a positive environment then it is a negative environment and negativity needs little to be nourished especially if it has become a habitual behavior.

Only you can make the decision about what is best for you. Your options seem to be simple in idea but either are difficult to put to practice. Either way you need a support group or person outside of your situation to help guide you.

First,know that you are all beings, you are all suffering, and you all desire happiness. You can practice compassion for yourself first and then for others. Recognize you are suffering and then find something to be grateful for. It can be something as simple as “I breathe right now and I am alive. I was not guaranteed this momemt and yet I am experiencing it.” It is a most basic feeling of gratitude that anyone can practice. When you feel like you are losing your calm or peace, refocus on this gratitude. Smile and find your happiness at this moment. Eventually you will be to also internalize their suffering as well and still be able to find your own peace. This does take great amounts of practice. It is not something that occurs overnight. Sometimes this practice can change the dynamics between people.

Second, would be to remove yourself from the negative situation. Unfortunatly, no matter how much you are willing to try, accept, learn, and forgive the only possible route is to leave. This is especially important if you are being bullied regardless of whether it is emotional or physical. You must be compassionate to your situation and what should be done for your well being.

I will hope the best and a calm and speedy solution.
Renée

Your world was turned upside down by discovering your father to be someone else that you thought he was. I imagine that has made you rethink what is really true in the World. If your own dad has lied and betrayed the family then what else that I counted on does not hold true? No wonder it is hard to make friends at uni since who can you trust?

I like the Dalai Lama quote: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
There is a Loving Kindness Meditation that may help you to get to that place of compassion .. for yourself as well as for others. You can Google it for there are several out there online. YouTube has some.

Also you may want to try listing your Gratitudes daily so that you can focus on the good things in your life on a regular basis to get your mind out of what is not going right in your life.

I don’t think these are quick fixes. I think you should give yourself time to grieve and heal for the loss of that image of your dad, the loss of that trust you had for him, and the loss of that foundation which you model your relationships on.

Take care.

Metta,
Mark

Hi Sandy,

i think Helen is right on with what she says. Remember that old Barbra Streisand song ” People who need people are the luckiest people in the world”?
Needing others to make us feel good about ourselves makes us the unluckiest people in the world. When I see what I can add to the lives of others instead of complaining about how negative I feel, it transforms my world.
Service to others is the centre of my life and I feel good about myself and am never lonely. People who volunteer for a cause have an automatic sense of connection.
There are so many opportunities in every community to help those less fortunate than ourselves. Go be a visitor in an old folks home. You will be so welcomed and so cherished. Old people need younger ones to tell their stories to. As long as I am thinking only about me it doesn’t take too long before I become negative.
Write a gratitude list every day. List your health, sight, your gifts and talents and see what you can take and give out to the world. be interested in others even if you have to fake it a bit in the beginning. people connect to those who show interest and kindness.

Hugs, Lyla

Vin,
It sounds like you are being consumed by being a mother where it can be physically and emotionally draining at times. You are using up your energy not only with your child but with your job and being a wife. I can understand why you feel a bit dead inside.

What brings you joy? It does not have to be a big thing. It could be listening to music or cooking or playing with your child. It is those moments, those present moments to notice and revel in.

A gratitude journal helps as well. It helps you focus on what is good in your life.. and what makes you happy.

Metta,
Mark

Dee,

I am sorry for the difficult places you’ve found yourself within, and can understand how difficult it becomes when we have spent so much of our time caring for others. Sometimes it goes on for so long, we don’t even recognize ourselves anymore. Sadly, this is often the tale of mothers, who set aside their needs for their children and family. In my eyes, they are tales of unsung heroes that have invested their light into nurturing and caring for the children of the planet.

That being said, there is of course the real challenge of developing your own happiness. Don’t despair, dear sister, because even though your spirit has been tangled by years of neglect, your heart has remained strong and fluid. Said differently, you have a deep and profound love in your heart, inspired by your children, and it is quite usual to feel unworthy of it yourself. Perhaps its not embarrassment that you feel as you look in the mirror, rather shame. As though you don’t really, truly deserve that love… and so you giggle or cry or avoid… anything to help make it more bearable. But, sister, mother, goddess, you are not only deserving of that love, you are its avatar in the world. Said differently, from the moment your children were born, you held them to your breast. When you needed sleep, you set aside that need to offer comfort and sleep to the babe. When you needed to be held, you set aside that need to hold your children. It happens, unfortunately, that habits of tossing aside the need can arise, which grow quite naturally into resentment and escape. Frustrated with the kids, the husband, yourself, the world… for your needs unmet, song unsung. But don’t come here acting like you are undeserving of the love you spent years and years giving. Of course you are, dear sister. Of course.

The thing is, there is simply no need for fear or shame to blossom for you. There is always guidance when we open to it, grace when we need it, and a house that is our own. Some nights seem darker than others, but have faith that the love you have grown in the world through your efforts as a mother will come back tenfold in radiance and wonder. This doesn’t happen through some magical outside force, rather, it is drawn into your life through the compassion and grace you have given to others.

The byproduct, perhaps still resting on your shoulders, is a dumb cycle of guilt and suppression. Perhaps you feel guilty for wanting things. You wanted some tender attention, so you sparked up some romance. You wanted some space, so you moved out of the marital bed. Instead of regarding these as signposts along your path of self knowing, perhaps you still feel ashamed of what you did. There is simply no need (as you noticed in my post earlier). Instead, those “mistakes” can become pure white information about what you like and don’t like. Said differently, the same heart that pushed you toward giving a ton of your time to nurture and grow your family pushed you toward the affair. Much like when we are stressed, sometimes our nerves act up and we get a twitch, a warning sign that things are seriously out of balance. Another way of looking at it is like water. You were perhaps like a woman in a life raft, dying of thirst (needing loving affection). It built and built until even though you knew it was salt water, you drank it deeply into you. Fell hard and fast, most likely, feeling alive again after so much thirst. As it digested, though, of course in cankered. A woman who gives up so much for her family doesn’t often sit well with feeling like they betrayed it. So, even that was just another excuse to beat yourself up, another on a long list of reasons why you are imperfect, a failure as a woman, mother, wife. Luckily, that’s total bullshit.

But here and now, there is still the woman, Dee, looking to rekindle that inner fire, the grace and song that she used to sing. I love where you’ve gone with saying you love yourself into the mirror. Consider a little different approach. Consider trying to look at yourself in the mirror. Don’t push, don’t prod. Theres been plenty of that. Consider instead a little gratitude. Look at the girl, the goddess, who gave up a lot in the name of love. Thank her! Thank her for making the world a better place by loving her children. Thank her for keeping clothes clean and food ready. For school lunches and after school stuff and the bazillion other needs that came up that you championed without hesitation. Sure, you fumbled a bunch of times, but you rose to it far more often. Then, perhaps slowly, gently, you could look upon yourself as one of your children. Your own precious jewel to tend, polish and see grow into wellness. Imagine what you might offer to your child, standing there beside you, feeling sorrowful for the life they have lead. But as you look with compassion for them, you see the blessing they have been, the whole of their life, and how little of their own beauty they saw. And even so, bereft of self knowing of their beauty, they kept going, for love of their children… because, well, of course! Can’t you see it, Dee? The beauty and wonder that you are?

So really, let the shame, the guilt, the self criticism go. Let it go! Your heart is strong and wise, let it bloom! Let that warmth inside spread to the ends of the earth, because you have tended the garden with your best song, and you deserve a life of joy. Namaste, sis, may your song bring peace to your precious heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Sia,

I’m sorry for the challenges and suffering you’re experiencing, and can understand why you’re looking for abundance. Sometimes when we’ve become really stressed, we wish for abundance so we can settle those spinning thoughts and feelings. If only we had rs 500000 in the bank, a partner that loved us, a wide circle of friends… then, finally, we could rest and enjoy the life we’re living. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps you’re experiencing exhaustion with signs of burnout. You run run run run run run. You push your body and mind well past tiredness, well past what is reasonable to do. This leaves us unable to find rest easily. Said differently, your body is running from here to there, and your mind runs even faster from past to future, fear and fantasy. Where is the resting? You’re even running in your dreams! Consider that almost anyone in your shoes would be the same… tired and looking for escape.

Don’t despair, dear sister, because there is always a path toward joy… and it is not like a task list of never ending needs that pushes you back under the blankets in the morning. Rather, its a matter of learning to let go and relax. Your body needs love, and you’ve been a little more like a task master. Its actually in the pushing and clinging that turns the world dark and stormy looking… when we are well rested, we can see the magic and beauty that flows through and around us.

That being said, its not as easy as wishing it into your life… or “feeling” abundant. You have to create the energy inside you. Its actually pretty easy! The first path is to bring the positive energy into your body. This done through self nurturing, such as taking a quiet bath, listening to soft music, or (especially) metta meditation. Some quiet space where you can set down the past, set down the future, and breathe, remember your divinity, and let go of the weight on your shoulders. Not husband, not career, not future, not past… sit and let those go, just for a time. Rest. Let the mind settle.

Next, one of my teachers showed me how the energy of joy is generosity. When we are chewing through our task list, we become exhausted, expend ourselves. When we are moving with curiosity, looking for ways to use our time to the benefit of ourselves and others, we become joyous and strong.

For instance, if you were to enter the room of someone who broke both her legs, you might see and experience two different views. One, the client is a task on the list, a series of actions you have to perform before the day is out. So you move around the room and do what is needed. By the end of the day, your body and mind are depleted, as you used up your energy on checking off tasks. The other view is seeing a sister on the bed, in a difficult predicament. As you see your sister suffering, your heart produces an abundance of inspiration and warmth, which you can open up to, use your moment to feel gratitude for your working legs, and give a little sparkle for your sister in need. Then, as you walk away, your heart is actually stronger, your peace deeper, because you both feel gratitude, both feel part of loving attention given to our family. Said differently, when we are dancing in joy and warmth, we do get tired, but we also get genuine rest, because the body is very satisfied in giving and sharing that warmth, that love.

If you need a kick start to your loving drive, consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” and spend a half hour under their guidance and see what happens. Don’t be surprised if the warmth that arises fades quickly… with practice and time it stabalizes, especially when you use the warmth you find for the benefit of all beings. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Dear Matt,

I would like to give you an honorary peace award for your dedication towards helping me and so many Tiny Buddha community members find their way through this forum.

I could never thank you enough for all the support and words of wisdom you have given me. I have copied and pasted your responses so that I can have them as a reference – weeks, months and years from now. They are like receiving a reassurance from the universe that everything’s going to be okay. A comforting hand on my shoulder. 🙂

A deep bow of gratitude towards you, Matt! THANK YOU!