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  • #35505
    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    I’ve never been in this situation and though I am married I haven’t been married for as long as you have, so please understand I am a novice and that when I give you advice it is from my own modest resources.

    I’ve read what you’ve written a few times and what I can see is that while he has committed misdeeds in the past, he has basically been good to you. He has been faithful to you, he provides for your materially and he is good to your children.

    With that in mind I have to ask, has he really lied to you? He made vows to you which he has kept. He presented himself as a ‘good’ human being who would treat you well and he has done so. In that way he hasn’t cheated you or represented himself dishonestly.

    It isn’t clear from what you have written, but did you sit down and have a conversation where you said ‘Have you ever had an affair’ or ‘How many people have you slept with’ and then he gave you a dishonest representation of the facts? If that is the case, then yes he has lied and I can see why you are angry. In that case he has shaken your trust and that is hard to get back.

    If not, if you didn’t ask him specifics before your marriage then really he hasn’t lied to you at all. I acknowledge that he hasn’t been straight forward either and it would have been better and wiser for him to clue you in on his past.

    It seems at the route of this situation is that you are uncomfortable with the nature his past actions rather then with the issue of deceit? Am I correct to assume that?

    So lets say that we hypothetically rewind the clock back. He offers marriage but reveals everything he has done in the past. You are horrified and you say no and you go your separate ways.

    Would the future have been any better? You may have found someone else, but there is no way to be certain of that. Maybe you would have found someone, but as most of us have baggage it is likely they would have come with their own set of problems. You wouldn’t have the lovely children you have now. Perhaps his future wouldn’t be bright either. Perhaps he would be with someone who didn’t support him and would fall back into his negative ways?

    I would try to focus, mentally, on the fact that your husband appears to be repentant for the past. The fact he has changed his ways suggests strongly that he is striving to be a better man and I think that is admirable. I would focus on feelings of gratitude for the things he has provided you with both material and emotional.

    If you can, talk to him, but do it calmly and without anger or bitterness so you don’t drive him away. Talk to him about how he feels about what he has done.

    I truly hope you can save your marriage and your inner peace.

    #35354
    Anna A Chiasson
    Participant

    I am almost finished my Master’s Degree in Public Administration. December!

    I am currently working as a contractor assistant for a large oil company (You know those things you may find on a beach?!?) I am the oldest peron in my office (43). I dont get much respect. I print when they dont feel like printing their own documents. I file when they dont feel like filing. I do some other things – but the ones that bother me most are the ones they dont ‘feel’ like doing. While they meander through the hallways having conversation. I dont get included in lunches, after work socials or conversations. I could just go on and on …

    I want to find work in the education field. I am a New Orleanian and I want to be a part of school operations. School is ever changing around here. I dont want to teach. I want to be a part of making sure scores and monies are correctly being appropriated. I want to be a part of the positive eductional changes that every child in this area deserves. I pay for my daughter to attend school. But not all have that luxury. I know that I can be a positive force in this field. I am of zest, grit, self-control, hope, love, social intelligence, gratitude, and I have a sense of humor!

    I feel lost. Job searching is not easy. I worry that my weight will stop me. I want to be more confident. I want to lead. I hate what is happening to me. But I like venting!!

    And even though I have made up my mind that I would not … why wouldnt they want to hire me here? Its very demeaning. I have as mucn or more education and experience than the 23 year olds they do hire?!? Oh just forget I said that! Ugh!

    Happy Friday! <3 Sending love, hope and joy for the weekend!

    #35277

    In reply to: Repressing Emotion

    Graham
    Participant

    My question was more about releasing what I (finally am beginning to) recognize is in there. I can “feel” it under the surface, 42.5 years (I’m 44) of repression. Couldn’t list them ALL by name, and don’t need to; they’re ALL there.

    But to paraphrase the (better) explanation I saw given by another person on another forum: I can’t get the cry out.

    Or the laughter, joy, gratitude, anger, fear, etc. I can recognize it (the act of repressing) as the cause of the constricted feeling in my chest, the desire to make as few waves as possible in life. like a new-born fawn smelling the cougar and knowing – to the depth of its DNA – that ANY ripple in the grass is too much movement.Too much space given to past trauma. And the solution (I can hear the collective scrambling to regurgitate) is to forgive.

    Let’s take a walk through the (entirely confused) mind of a Very Bad Buddhist, shall we?

    #34976
    anne
    Participant

    I was mildly depressed without realising it in a previous, rather controlling relationship (we were engaged to be married), partly from him and also lots unresolved emotional teenage issues that I just ignored. He didn’t understand mental health at all, and as a result was unsupportive to the point I was too scared to express my thoughts for fear of rejection – I was about to turn 30, had been seriously ill and didn’t think anyone else would ever want me.. Which 2 years on I realise is UTTER CRAP and if he really did love me, he would of stuck by me and helped rather than leaving me to go to the depths of despair that pretty much had me thinking suicide was a far better idea than living – this is never a real option! Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem – and one you will overcome!

    Fortunately after a dabble in severe depression and anxiety caused by a number of major life events I’ve met someone wonderful, who ‘gets me’ and loves me for who I am. ~I never thought it would be possible to heal my heart nor mind at times but one thing I did learn was that you have to learn to love yourself before you can be truly loved. He challenges me on my views and supports me fully and even after spending an evening holding my hand in a&e on Sunday night whilst I was being very cranky and in pain, made me realise he is the one for me.

    Your quote ‘i feel like a horrible person’ makes me sad. You really are not – you just are thinking the wrong way and focusing on all the negatives in your life, which overshadow all the wonderful things. Is everything you do horrible? Are you horrible because your brushed your teeth this morning? Are you horrible that you have realised you need support? No no and no! You are strong – you wouldn’t be here otherwise!

    Also parents are funny beings. How mine ever got together and had my brother and me has left me often wondering HOW??!! They had a vile relationship, which undoubtedly has affected me (and my brother) – same goes for my boyfriend – his parents too had a horrible relationship but you know what – you are not them! It is physically impossible to be them or even know what’s in their heads. Your life is for living as you want – not how they see fit or have done. Use them as an example to learn from not be affected by. You can’t change the past so don’t try to change things you can’t. Just be the best you can and support them as best as you can.

    I did 6 weeks of REBT therapy earlier this year, which was brilliant and completely changed my way of thinking and my life. It wasn’t easy at times, often resulting in tears and anger but the therapy taught me to enjoy life again, engage with it and appreciate what I have – not what I don’t have. A great tool was from ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ book of writing down all the positive things that happened in your day and never the negative stuff! I also have a pink fairy book of gratitude that I write down positive comments in and thoughts, its handy when you have low days. Which I still do but they are fortunately in the minority and no longer the majority.

    Good luck and don’t ever feel alone. embrace life, open your heart and love – don’t be afraid!

    #34471
    Pip
    Participant

    Thank you for your thoughtful and considerate responses, it never fails to fill me with gratitude when another person shares their experiences, despite reliving painful memories. Finding this site has been so helpful, particularly as I have just finished reading Loris book. My cry for help was about lifting the fog, trying to hear my inner voice through the confusion, conflict and hurt. I didn’t want it to be an exercise of self indulgence. I am and have been ignoring my inner voice all due to fear and crippling insecurity, but I know I have to embrace the fear, exercise the heart muscle and let it all it to finally process. Its gone on to long, this is an awful, unproductive way to live. Life is to short to be miserable when you can choose happiness, embrace your values and be true to yourself.

    My head and heart have been saying different things, I truly haven’t considered my own self worth and neglected any self love or care because its feels more natural to extend this to another, despite being used and walked over, foolish I know. I find it very difficult to self love, the way I speak to myself is abhorrent and this is something I’m working hard to change. To see me at work or with my children you would confuse me with another, I function at a high level, I can hide anxiety which unfortunately then manifests physically in my body. I know there is no instant cure nor is there an instant answer to anything.

    So, I know face fear, insecurity and worry as I have pushed them away because the physical pain of them and what I was losing stopped me. I have a man who loves me but has betrayed my trust, respect and has been unfaithful. We are in counselling and I am hearing that everything I feel is natural and normal which is sad that I need another person to validate me, and I still have trouble hearing and believing that. What I have determined is that I will no longer apologise for my truths and I hold my values to my heart. I know I deserve better and I know I have to forgive another human for the hurt and failings, my worry is if I can manage this. Everything has changed and I have to think and accept if what we are now is acceptable to me. I worry about regret, being alone, shame but I know they fade when you truly accept what makes you happy and what your prepared to let go.

    The wonderful suggestion of writing has been so cathartic, I am looking back at old letters to myself and see that they are compassionate and loving. I try to imagine what I would say to a good friend. I have quieten the catastrophic thinking, I understand the work I need to do on and for myself, I know its ok to ask and except time to work out what I need and want, at the end of the day, I just want to be happy and that is my responsibility. This forum and your shared response have been so gratefully received, I cant express that gratitude knowing someone has given their time to give thoughtful, positive responses

    #34128
    Nanette Stein
    Participant

    Gardenia,
    Thank you for sharing with us here. I am sorry that you had to learn long time life lessons so young. But those experiences you have had, though agonizing as they may have been for you, have made you who you are today–someone who would share their feelings with total strangers to bring them some comfort from your loss. Your lesson to “cherish your own life and those you love while we are still together on earth” is invaluable. Something everyone can take a lesson from. I can clearly see that you will be able to get through any of lifes curveballs, just fine, just as you said. Thank you for your words.

    With much gratitude,
    Nanette

    #34100
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    “Would you like help?”

    These are simple words I practice asking daily.

    When someone doesn’t want help, he or she can simply reject it.

    But when it’s accepted, the appreciation and gratitude is kindly and lovingly shared.

    #31291

    In reply to: Money Challenges

    William Davies
    Participant

    Hi Mindy!

    Awhile ago my main focus was purely on where I wanted to be and not where I was, I wanted to get out of the life I was living so badly.

    I mean eating instant noodles everyday because you can’t afford real food isn’t where I wanted to be. I learnt something that really helped me focus on the now, and that was keeping a gratitude journal.

    You’ve probably heard of this before, but focusing on the things that you don’t like in your life actually happens to attract more of it. Shifting my focus onto things that I did have, things like my health, family,friends and a beating heart that thankfully has never stopped since in the womb helped me keep a positive and hopeful mind.

    Also I try and keep myself busy with my website, I read, I watch videos and listen to audios to improve myself every single day.

    Eventually your eyes will be open to a whole new world of opportunities, ones that you might not have recognized if you were in a negative frame of mind.

    Much like when you get a new car or a new pair of shoes and all of a sudden you just happen to notice that everyone has the same car. The cars were there the whole time you just didn’t notice them, it’s just a conscious shift. 🙂

    Vincent Nguyen
    Participant

    Quick! What are the first few things that come to mind when you hear “Stoic?” You probably think someone who is emotionless, maybe a sad face.

    Wrong!

    Stoicism is actually a great philosophy that I personally believe is the ultimate self-improvement philosophy. I’ve actually written an article on the subject, but I’ll try to briefly summarize it here.

    The Stoics main goal is to remove or minimize all negative emotions from their lives. Negative emotions include: anger, sadness, dissatisfaction, etc. Their other goal is to learn to truly appreciate everything in life.

    They achieve both goals through multiple mental practices that you can do on a daily basis.

    The first technique they use is called “Negative Visualization.”

    Here is an excerpt from my article so you can get an idea of negative visualization:

    In a nutshell, negative visualization is the periodic practice of imagining the worst-case scenario almost at all times. You should mentally picture losing the ones you cherish the most and imagine being at your lowest.
    You may think doing this would raise a pessimist out of you, but in actuality Stoicism forms full-grown optimists who don’t take things for granted, but instead love every second of life’s fortunes.

    One of the examples from the book contrasts two fathers. One father plays with his daughter and obviously loves her, however, he does not spend every second truly treasuring her current presence. To him there is always tomorrow to spend time with her. The second father knows that life is short and fleeting. He truly loves his daughter as much as the first, but he does not take a moment for granted as he constantly and consciously thinks about her mortality.

    Now tragically both daughters have passed away. The first father is miserable and is a complete train wreck, feeling guilty for having taken her presence for granted. The second father, emotionally damaged as the first, can take solace in the idea that he took advantage of every second he could with his beloved daughter and mentally prepared for her passing on a daily basis. There was nothing he could have done that had not already been done.

    This practice makes you realize you are very fortunate to be enjoying your current possessions, whether material or psychological (you could be insane and mentally broken.) You begin to hold what you have in higher value as you’re living life and you begin to be grateful for everything while simultaneously preparing you in case of tragic loss.

    Another idea that Stoicism tackles is the problem of “hedonic adaptation.” We all assume more money = more happiness right? Well… The truth is more like more money means temporary increases in happiness, but then you baseline and return to your previous state of happiness with more desires. It’s also called a hedonic treadmill and you can see why.

    Stoics counter the hedonic treadmill by consciously wanting what they have. Whoa! Did you ever think about that? That’s a whole new level to gratitude. Being grateful and thinking about how lucky you are isn’t enough. You have to consciously want what you already have.

    I didn’t want to make this forum post TOO long, but I do go more in-depth to Stoicism and even make book recommendations on the subject. I don’t think I’m breaking the no new thread for just self-promotion rule because this article is highly relevant in this case.

    Hope you guys consider giving Stoicism a chance! I’d love to see a discussion kick off here.

    #30557
    Guy
    Participant

    Yes, the longer the pauses between your meditations, the sooner the ‘effects’ wear off. If you meditate twice a day, even if it is just for 5 minutes (but longer is better), you’ll notice that from the moment you sit down, you pick up where you left off the previous meditation.

    People tend to go from one meditation to another hoping to find ‘the one’ that will bring them ‘orgasmic bliss’ in minutes. There is even a program that was launched recently, that promises you a different meditation everyday for the rest of your life. But the reality is that it is better to master one basic meditation first and then move on to another one and master that one.
    If ‘explosions of relaxation’ are what you are after, a basic meditation can get you there without a doubt.

    Try this meditation twice a day for about a week and you’ll feel very relaxed, not only during the meditation, but throughout your entire day:
    – Breathe in and out through your nose. Do not try to slow down your breathing, just be aware of it. Feel the air going in and out of your nose. Focus your attention on your nostrils and the air going in and out of your nose. If your mind starts to wander, bring your focus back to your nostrils. It’s normal if thoughts come in your head, especially in the beginning, so don’t get frustrated about it. Just breathe and feel your breath, that is all you do.

    If you do this meditation for a couple of days, you should definitely feel very relaxed during the meditation and throughout your day. After doing this meditation for about a week or two, you can add a little variation.
    Still focus on your nostrils and the air going in and out of your nose, but when you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in ‘pure love’ and filling your lungs and body with it. When you breathe out, you imagine breathing out gratitude.
    After doing this for about a week (or maybe two, it varies per person), you’ll notice a feeling of love and gratitude throughout your entire day.

    Just like with anything else, learn the basics first and build from there.

    Carolyn Hidalgo
    Participant

    When we are living from our higher self (love that is light within us) – “honoring our truth” holds a high vibration, and it will attract what you want. You won’t have to try focusing on what you want. There’s a difference between “denying” meaning not putting attention to, and “denying” meaning “avoiding” which doesn’t work when it comes from fear.

    Hiding from or burying ‘what is’ can hold a vibration that is low when there’s resistance for what you don’t want (what you resist persists, what you befriend you will transcend) – it’s about “accepting what is”, which does not mean you have to like it, but surrendering allows you to move into a space of gratitude for whatever difficulty or unwanted situation you are experiencing because there’s a gift when you see it this way to grow into. This perspective will shift your energy to help you move to where you want to be.

    I’m not sure this answers your question, but this is how the law of attraction has been working in my life…I notice, and let go of my ego’s fear based energy, follow my heart, live in a space of gratitude for what is, and I don’t need to visualize – I just feel into what I want, and magically things, circumstances, and people show up. Pretending is tough to do – I believe you need to be aligned with faith, and love towards yourself, and then hold the thoughts of what you want because you deserve all of what’s good, loving, and beautiful – we all do : )

    #30357
    Jen Saunders
    Participant

    “Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” ~ Marianne Williamson

    One moment of gratitude can lift your spirits, shift your perception and change your life.

    Use this discussion thread to share 3 things you’re grateful for today.

    Here’s what I’m grateful for today:

    1. My husband, for making me a cup of coffee in my favourite mug this morning.

    2. Time to write and work on something I enjoy

    3. This new community, for allowing me to connect with like-minded people from all over the world.

    What are you grateful for today?

    #30262
    Lori Deschene
    Keymaster

    This is something that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately because my sister has interstitial cystitis (a bladder disease) and she recently got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I know it’s really hard for her, both because of the symptoms, and because other people can’t see them. I think it’s wonderful to aim for positivity and gratitude, but like you said, it’s not always easy, and you definitely deserve to be gentle with yourself if some days are harder than others. I know I want that for my sister!

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