Posts tagged with “trust”
How I Am Learning to Trust My Body More and Control It Less
“I’m a beautiful mess of contradiction, a chaotic display of imperfection.” ~Sai Marie Johnson
I don’t identify as having an eating disorder. I don’t struggle with anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating. Yet I exercise precise control of my weight, down to the pound. If I gain a mere two pounds, I can feel it. First in my stomach. Then in my face.
That’s when the self-loathing kicks in.
I beat myself up for gaining those two pounds.
I wear a shirt to sleep at night, instead of being naked like I am when I am two pounds lighter.
I …
When You’re Terrified of Conflict: Why True Intimacy Means Speaking Up
“Conflict avoidance is not the hallmark of a good relationship. On the contrary, it is a symptom of serious problems and of poor communication.” ~Harriet B. Braiker
I walk on eggshells in my relationship. I have for the past ten years.
I try to design everything out of my mouth to lead to the least amount of friction between my wife and me. And you know what? It’s hurting our relationship.
You see, I’m afraid of confrontation. For me, confrontation leads to tension and tension can lead to stress and angst.
When I was a kid, tension, stress, and angst …
How Following Our Instincts Now Can Protect Us from Pain Down the Line
“There is a voice inside of you that whispers all day long, I feel this is right for me, I know that this is wrong. No teacher, preacher, parent, friend or wise man can decide what’s right for you. Just listen to the voice that speaks inside.” ~Shel Silverstein
Some time ago, a guy I knew suggested I go swimming with him and a friend of his. I accepted.
I didn’t know him well. Sometimes he would say hello and be warm, while other times he would ignore me. Since he was a longtime friend of a girl I knew, …
Trust Restored: Why I’m Letting Go of Preconceived Ideas About People
“The problems around us are only compounding. We will need to rediscover our trust in other people, to restore some of our lost faith—all that’s been shaken out of us in recent years. None of it gets done alone. Little of it will happen if we isolate inside our pockets of sameness, communing only with others who share our exact views, talking more than we listen.” ~Michelle Obama
I’m up at the American River, one of my favorite summertime spots. I have a ritual of floating down it, then hiking back up the hill to my clothes. I love how …
Two Things Not to Do After a Traumatic Event (Lessons from Being Robbed)
“True emotional healing happens by feeling. The only way out is through.” ~Jessica Moore
Have you ever loved someone so much that you could no longer see who they really were? Or have you ever been young and naive to the danger that surrounds you?
I’m the first to raise my hand and say I did that! I’m a person who trusts people until they give me a reason not to.
Trust
Trust can be broken in so many ways by those you least expect it from; those you love and thought loved you. In some cases, it may not …
Why I Didn’t Trust Myself to Make Decisions (and What If It’s All Okay?)
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~Mary Oliver
Lately, I’ve been taking time to think about what I actually want. Not what I “should” want or what other people want for me.
One thing I have learned is that mistakes happen when you choose not to follow your inner guidance system. The problem is that, for many years, I chose not to listen to mine.
Whenever it screamed and pulled at me, desperate to get my attention (“Don’t purchase a car from that shady car dealership! Don’t go out with …
Why Codependents Don’t Trust Themselves to Make Decisions and How to Start
“Slow, soulful living is all about coming back to your truth, the only guidance you’ll ever need. When you rush, you have the tendency to follow others. When you bring in mindfulness, you have the power to align with yourself.” ~Kris Franken
Codependency previously created a lot of pain and agony in my life. One of the ways it manifested was in my inability to trust myself. I would overthink decisions to death, fearful that I would choose the “wrong one” or upset someone if they didn’t agree or were disappointed by my choice.
I was terrified of “making a …
How I Stopped Carrying the Weight of the World and Started Enjoying Life
“These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.” ~Najwa Zebian
During a personal development course, one of my first assignments was to reach out to three friends and ask them to list my top three qualities. It was to help me see myself the way others saw me.
At the time, my confidence was low and I couldn’t truly see myself. I didn’t remember who I was or what I wanted. The assignment was a way to rebuild my self-esteem and see myself from a broader perspective.
As I vulnerably asked and then received the responses, …
Why People-Pleasers Lie and What We Gain When We Share Our Truth
“You’re a liar. People-pleasers are liars,” a friend said to me. I felt like I was punched in the gut. “You say yes when you mean no. You say it’s okay when it’s not okay.” My friend challenged me, “In your gentle way, begin to be more honest.”
I believed the lie that pleasing people would make my relationships better. It didn’t.
I decided to take my friend’s challenge to tell the truth. People didn’t have a relationship with me; they had a relationship with another version of someone else. They didn’t know me.
People-pleasing was safe; it was how …
If You’re Afraid to Ask for Help Because You Don’t Trust People
“Ask for help. Not because you are weak. But because you want to remain strong.” ~Les Brown
I sat in the doctor’s office, waiting—linen gown hanging off me, half exposed—while going through the checklist in my mind of what I needed help with. I felt my breathing go shallow as I mentally sorted through the aches and pains I couldn’t seem to control.
Fierce independence and learning to not rely on others are two of the side effects of my particular trauma wounds, stemming from early childhood neglect and abandonment. During times of heightened stress, my default state is …
When Life Forces Your Hand, Embrace the New Chapter
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” ~Seneca
Like most people, I’ve tried to control many aspects of my life, and this hasn’t always worked in my favor. Just when I thought I had it all under control, life has inconveniently shown me many, many times that I was getting a little too cocky.
You name it, I’ve tried to control it—from my schedule and time (hello, Type A personality) to forgoing random opportunities because my mind was made up on going a certain direction. I even tried calorie counting at the height of my exercising routine because …
4 Things I Learned from Being Possessive and Controlling in a Relationship
As she stood there watching the puppet show, our eyes locked. I was instantly attracted.
After what felt like the longest fifteen minutes torn between the desire to talk to her and the fear of rejection, I mustered the courage to introduce myself.
She gave me a smile, then without saying a word, walked away.
“What just happened? How can such a beautiful lady be so rude?” I stood there in disbelief, overtaken by embarrassment, pretending nothing had happened.
Two weeks later, as if by pure serendipity, a mutual friend reconnected us. That was the beginning of a relationship I …
The World Is Not My Enemy – Why I’m Trying to Let My Guard Down
“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the centre of meaningful human experiences” ~Brené Brown
From a young age I learned that the world is not a safe place—that there are bullies out there that want to harm me and that I have to watch my back. I developed defense mechanisms in order to protect myself, or perhaps those mechanisms had been there all along, programmed into my psychology by millions of years of evolution.
Maybe these mechanisms served me in certain situations as they did my ancestors; telling me when to fight and when to run away. But as I …
The Only Way to Form Meaningful Relationships with People Who Get You
“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.” ~Jim Morrison
When I left my full-time position at an ad agency and ventured out on my own, I had a clear goal in mind—to connect with likeminded people who align with my highest good. As far as how I was going to do that, I had little clue.
My life was full of relationships built from forced, sometimes toxic circumstances where we found each other out of need or convenience. I am grateful for each of those people because they were there when I needed them most, …
Feel Hurt in Your Relationship? How to Get Your Needs Met and Feel Closer
“The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra
I used to handle hurtful situations in relationships the same way. I’d get angry, shut down, get irritated, or just give my partner the silent treatment. This just led to more of what I didn’t want—separation, loneliness, and frustration.
So one day I made up my mind. I was going to change my approach and try something different. Cause we’ve all heard that famous saying from Albert Einstein: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different …
How I Stopped Dismissing Praise and Started Believing Compliments
“I’ve met people who are embattled and dismissive, but when you get to know them, you find that they’re vulnerable—that hauteur or standoffishness is because they’re pedaling furiously underneath.” ~Matthew Macfadyen
It was impossible to miss the dismissive hand gesture and distasteful look on her face in response to my comment.
“You ooze empathy,” I had said in all sincerity to my therapist.
“And what’s it like if I blow off or disregard that compliment?” she countered. Then, as usual, she waited.
“Ah, it feels terrible,” I sputtered as the lights of insight began to flicker. I was acutely …
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