fbpx
Menu

☀️ 🪷

HomeForumsShare Your Truth☀️ 🪷

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 54 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #439438
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    I find the idea of keeping a journal here very nice and useful. I thought I could give it a try, too.

     

    Once I read this idea: “We all want to be happy, but we all take steps not to be happy.”

    I told myself: “It doesn’t make sense.” Now, I do understand…

    I strive for inner peace – my form of happiness – and although I have everything I need to gradually reach my happiness, I unconsciously keep taking steps which take me further and further from my happiness.

    I still hear others more than myself. I still hear those who don’t like me more than those who do like me.

    I need to remember and keep reminding myself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yK1p4kz5cs

    (to be continued later)

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439469
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    In his book The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching, Hanh describes the core of the matter exactly:

    There is a story in Zen circles about a man and a horse. The horse is galloping quickly, and it appears that the man on the horse is going somewhere important. Another man, standing alongside the road, shouts: “Where are you going?” and the first man replies: “I don’t know! Ask the horse!” This is also our story. We are riding a horse, we don’t know where we are going, and we can’t stop. (…) We are always running, and it has become a habit.

    … I thought I was a calm person, but inside I am constantly running. My mind has been on the run every second of my life… taking me further and further from my happiness.

    I’m glad to know now.

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439470
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    (when I have my “low” moment like now, I feel incredibly stupid… I feel so stupid that I think that I have some troubles when reading your REAL troubles… my sensitivity = stupidity.)

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439472
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Jana

    I hope you don’t mind me writing? If you would prefer that I don’t please let me know. I’m sorry to hear that you are having a low moment.

    You have a great level of self awareness and boundless compassion for others. You deserve that boundless compassion as much as anyone else, if not more so (because I think that you are a very special person). I think that your sensitivity makes you a special person, not a stupid one. We all suffer in different ways, it is a part of being human. Your suffering is valid and there is science behind it.

    I love the insightful quotes that you shared! You’ve given me a lot to think about myself. Thank you for sharing. 😊

    Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #439477
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    Of course, I don’t mind. You are all actually invited to join me! Thank you a lot for your kind words full of support. You made my day better. ❤️

    (I’ll come later when I have more free time to add more and answer your posts)

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439483
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jana:

    “I strive for inner peace – my form of happiness – (but)…I still hear those who don’t like me more than those who do like me”-

    – It’s really tough when negative voices seem to overshadow the positive ones. Perhaps you can make a conscious effort to pay attention to, and remember the positive things people say about you. Maybe.. keep a “compliments journal” to remind yourself of the good things people appreciate about you.

    If certain people or situations are consistently negative, try to limit or remove your exposure to them altogether. Try to surround yourself with supportive and positive individuals who uplift you.

    “I thought I was a calm person, but inside I am constantly running. My mind has been on the run every second of my life.. taking me further and further from my happiness”-

    – Practicing mindfulness and meditation can help calm your mind and bring you back to the present moment. Even a few minutes each day can make a difference. Writing down your thoughts and feelings, here in your journal- thread, can provide you with clarity and release pent-up emotions. It can also help you identify patterns and triggers that contribute to your restless mind.

    “when I have my ‘low’ moment like now, I feel incredibly stupid.. I feel so stupid that I think that I have some troubles when reading your REAL troubles.. my sensitivity = stupidity”-

    – It’s important to remember that feeling low and sensitive does not make you stupid. Our emotions can sometimes overwhelm us, but that doesn’t diminish your intelligence or value. It’s okay to feel low and it’s okay to be sensitive. Everyone has moments of vulnerability. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have tough moments and that they do not define you. When you catch yourself thinking negatively about your sensitivity or intelligence, try to challenge those thoughts.

    Sensitivity can be a strength. It allows you to connect deeply with others, empathize, and understand their experiences. Embrace your sensitivity as a unique and valuable part of who you are. Your sensitivity is a beautiful part of you!

    anita

    #439501
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita, for your support and inspiration. ☀️ I’ll continue with my thoughts soon. (It might take some time because most of my posts are delayed because of the process of approval… I sent one simple post three days back and it’s been still waiting for that approval… It’s a bit frustrating, honestly. 😄 )

    (Nov 19, 12:38)

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439518
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jana:

    You are welcome! I’ve seen members’ posts delayed/ awaiting moderation because they include links. Maybe that’s what happen to your posts..?

    anita

    #439539
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    – My Fear of People –

    Yesterday, I went to throw away plastic waste and met one old neighbour. She’s a 70-year-old lady who I had tried to make friends with for about 5 years. In the end I politely asked her not to contact us anymore after she verbally attacked my boyfriend.

    I was confronted by her yesterday that I couldn’t leave the plastic bag outside the full trash bin when the forecast said that it was going to be very windy. I secured the bag and told her not to worry. She carried on with her outburst of anger. (her typical behaviour) I wished her a nice day and left with a smile.

    I’ll make my notes of feelings here to remember what I need to work on.

    • I automatically feel that I am the bad one
    • I feel guilty
    • I can keep my calm in the situation but after I take it home and think about it and I do feel fear of her
    • it affects me and now I don’t want to go anywhere I could meet her –> I am restricting my freedom to move freely here in the village
    • I hesitated to tell my partner who obviously felt that I wasn’t all right and wanted to give me comfort because I felt stupid and ashamed of being so weak

    So much to work on.

    Also, I need to make notes about the relationship with this lady because I feel that my tendencies were wrong all along. And I need to write it down here to remember that I must never put myself in this situation again.

    • I knew that there was something wrong about her since the day number one and I was highly cautious around her… like my instincts were all on alert: “Be careful.”
    • Still, I didn’t listen to my instincts and feelings but I told myself: “I should be more compassionate… I should help…”
    • I ignored the warnings of other neighbours who told us that this lady isn’t someone we should trust. I told myself: “I shouldn’t judge.”
    • I didn’t see the red flags, when she:
    • was constantly very negative about others (and she was even more negative and loud when I tried to guide her to be more positive or at least neutral about others)
    • gossiped others
    • was “watching” all the time – she knew and wanted to know everything we did (I felt uncomfortable… as if I was under the watchful eye all the time)
    • was critical all the time – anything we did or didn’t do was simply wrong
    • blamed me for everything… for how I raised and trained our dog, for not being active and sociable, for not answering her phone when I was working… simply for everything and anything…
    • didn’t like my boyfriend (because he can be brutally honest and he’s not afraid to put her in her place)
    • I was afraid of her – or her unpredictable choleric nature – and I actually maintained the relationship with her out of fear and some false sense of being helpful (I really believed that I could help her to see the world more positively and that my company could make her happier) and not affection
    • I was so happy and relieved when I finally get rid of her

    I need to remember this. I am more mindful about it now. I won’t take care of anyone like this anymore. I can’t and I shouldn’t. I’ll take care of those who need me and want to be with me … and I have them in front of me everyday and I just let myself carry away because of this fear of these toxic people. I need to fix it for good. And I need to trust my feelings and instincts again (they were always right!)

    (written on Nov 20, 2024 at 9:00)

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439542
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Jana

    I’m happy to have made your day a little brighter! ☀️ 😊

    I noticed that when I make a long post, it is more likely to be moderated, so I tend to split them up.

    I’m sorry to hear that mean neighbour harassed you while you were taking out the trash. You really shouldn’t have to deal with that kind of behaviour because you set a boundary with her. Whilst it is understandable that she is hurt by you ending the 5 year relationship. I think that you were right to do so because of her behaviour. Her difficulties managing her emotions, her behaviour are causing a lot of problems for other people. They caused a lot of difficulties for you and your boyfriend.

    Do you think that she might have triggered some feelings from the past when you were bullied?

    I’m glad to hear that you sought comfort from your partner and you are reassuring yourself that your instincts are correct. You deserve this comfort and to trust your instincts. I think that you did really well in listening to them!

    Love, peace and best wishes! 🙏❤️

     

    #439548
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    Hello Helcat!

    Thank you for your post as always! 🙂

    “Do you think that she might have triggered some feelings from the past when you were bullied?”
    – Honestly, I don’t think so. Or at least I am not aware of that now. Luckily, I managed to solve most of my emotional wounds connected to my childhood when I was working on my social phobia during my twenties. I can think about the specific moments of pain, specific people, specific situations and I don’t feel anything anymore. I just know that it was difficult for me, but it doesn’t trigger any strong emotional response. (I remember when I started with EFT and social phobia… I tried to bring back memories from the first time when a boy literally put the boot in me and I could feel the horror, fear, pain, shock inside me… I cried a lot processing this and I shivered just thinking about it again. It took me long time to “swallow” that I was beaten that hard by boys… today it is just a fact for me, I don’t feel anything anymore…) but … this is like something “new”, not directly connected to my childhood. I don’t know now actually.

    I will come back later when I have more time and answer to you all more in your threads. Thank you for your support! And Helcat, be strong! I am thinking about you and your family. You will make it! It is just a test. ☀️

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439563
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jana:

    “– My Fear of People –… She carried on with her outburst of anger. (her typical behaviour)… I automatically feel that I am the bad one * I feel guiltyI do feel fear of her… I knew that there was something wrong about her since the day number one and I was highly cautious around her… like my instincts were all on alert: ‘Be careful.’ * Still, I didn’t listen to my instincts and feelings but I told myself: ‘I should be more compassionate… I should help..’… (She) was critical all the time – anything we did or didn’t do was simply wrong * blamed me for…  everything and anything… I won’t take care of anyone like this anymore. I can’t and I shouldn’t… I just let myself carry away because of this fear of these toxic people. I need to fix it for good. And I need to trust my feelings and instincts again (they were always right!)”-

    – I would like to share the following with you, Jana:

    The fawn response is one of the four primary trauma responses, alongside fight, flight, and freeze. It typically develops as a coping mechanism for individuals who have experienced prolonged exposure to stressful or abusive environments. The fawn response is a survival strategy. It involves people-pleasing (constantly trying to please others, even at the expense of your own needs and desires), avoiding Conflict (going to great lengths to avoid confrontation and maintain harmony, often by agreeing with others or submitting to their demands), and self-Sacrifice (prioritizing others’ needs over your own, leading to a lack of self-care and personal boundaries).

    Practicing the fawn response on a regular basis leads to anxiety (constant worry about how others perceive you and striving to meet their expectations), depression (feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated due to the lack of reciprocation and self-care), and burnout (exhaustion from continuously putting others’ needs before your own).

    The fawn response in humans can be likened to the behavior of a dog going belly up in front of an aggressor. Both actions are forms of submissive behavior aimed at diffusing a potentially threatening situation and preventing further conflict or aggression. For dogs, exposing their belly is a way of showing submission and non-threatening behavior, signaling to the aggressor that they pose no threat.

    Back to humans/ me: my mother (yes, a very dominant person in my life..) was a huge fawn responder with other adults, going belly up, so to speak, big time- in front of them, and suppressing her anger and frustration while in their company. Over time, these suppressed emotions build up, creating internal stress and tension within her… and this is where I fit in: my job was to be there for her to express her otherwise suppressed anger and frustration in two ways: (1) venting her anger at the people she went belly up for outside their presence, and (2) expressing her anger directly at me, a girl who she didn’t fear. She felt unsafe and powerless in the company of other adults; she felt safe and powerful in my company.

    Blaming and accusing behavior (my mother’s behavior and your neighbor’s) can be about exerting power and control over the blamed/ the accused. It is an emotional manipulation tactic: making the manipulated person feel guilty and fearful, which makes him/ her compliant and submissive.

    anita

    #439571
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    thank you for your insight. It helped me to think about it.

    I understand that you imply that I put myself in the fawn role. It might be true (?), but I am getting better.

    • I never tried to please her. I was willing to spend some time with her and keep her good company, but I tried hard to change her negative thinking. I never agreed with anything negative she said. I corrected her when she gossiped others and I simply said that I had to leave when she didn’t stop her behaviour. Actually, I tried to show her thousand times that if she keeps being like that, I wouldn’t be in her company anymore. I also tried to show her that her negativity and sudden shifts between excessive melancholy and agressiveness might be the reason why her ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, son and brother left her… I wanted to support her, not to please her.
    • I do want to avoid conflicts but I know they are neccessary. The fact is that conflicts can be solved reasonably and calmly. This is why I didn’t agree with the other neighbour who fight against the landfill site here. Her way of solving conflicts includes arguing, creating drama, exerting pressure on others, manipulating others to fight for her side… that’s not for me. I want to solve conflicts, problems (if they exist) but as a reasonable and wise person. I don’t want to fall into this manipulation of others… or being a drama queen.
    • I am willing to make sacrifice for people I love because they do not exploit me.

     

    This is a note for me to remember / come back later to:

    – My Fear of People –

    What I find important is that I am able to stay calm and reasonable in the situation of conflict and I can solve it properly, but the problem is that I am troubled after the conflict. That’s what I need to work on. Now, after some introspection I think that it might be actually connected to my introversion… my “hangover” after intense contact.

    I am afraid of people who are manipulative, who try to exert power and control over me by explaining how bad and wrong I am. This is the childhood trigger (thank you, Helcat). I have been always bad, wrong, strange for others = feelings of being “outcast”

    I am more aware of theese poeple now. I know how to “detect” them = I need to listen to my instincs and feelings again. It is not true that others “know better” than me. I am more mindful about my feelings. There is still big contrast between my introversion, calm personality (which I actually really like and enjoy) vs expectation of these manipulative people. I don’t write “vs expectation of society” on purpose, because there are people who like me.

    to do:
    I have to shift my focus from others and external things to:

    • my introversion
    • those who love me and I love them
    • mindfulness and meditation

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439581
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    – A Message to Those Who Love Me –

    I thought I could write a message to my beloved here… not to forget how important they are to me. And mainly, to become more mindful about them and take better care of their needs.

    My boyfriend
    I am very happy and lucky that I have a supportive and loving partner. Your life wasn’t easy. (life in poverty, beatings, hunger, no friends… car accident and days in a coma, cancer and hard chemotherapy treatment) You know mental and physical pain all too well. Still, you never gave up… you never grew bitter. You are strong, stable and open-hearted. I am proud of you and I have so much to learn from you. I am so happy that after almost 9 years together you still care so much about me, give me so much energy and love…

    I promise that from now on, I will be more mindful and I will… :

    • ask you if you are okay (because you always ask me)
    • ask you if you need my help
    • tell you that you look handsome (and not just think about it)
    • listen to you more carefully when you need to talk about your troubles from work (because you work so hard for both of us)
    • accept you when you need my physical presence (and not say “wait” or “later”)

    ❤️

    Our dog

    When you had tetanus in March this year, I was so heartbroken I could lose you. I’ll never forget how you couldn’t move because your legs became stiff by tetanus… and you tried so hard to fetch me your favourite ball… 😢 ❤️ And you survived and I started to live normal again… as if nothing happened… You have taught me so much so far.

    I promise that from now on, I will be more mindful and I will… :

    • spend more time with you (and not with the computer) when I have free time
    • be more patient with you when you are bad at other dogs
    • train you and teach you things more often
    • let you kiss our cat more often (I know you love her)
    • play fetch with your favourite ball more often
    • not ignore you when you call me (and I am at my computer doing nothing important….)

    Our cat

    You are the wisest of us all. Buddha cat. My little tiger. I need to be more aware of your presence. And not to take you for granted.

    I promise that from now on, I will be more mindful and I will… :

    • stay in the hall where you eat your breakfast and drink my morning coffee with you (and not at the computer)
    • let you in when you want to be with me and watch me brushing my teeth
    • play with you more often (I’ll buy toys for you)
    • HUG YOU AND KISS YOU MORE

     

    From now, I’ll take better care of you all. ❤️

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439593
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jana:

    You are welcome!  “I understand that you imply that I put myself in the fawn role. It might be true (?)“- no, I was not implying (that is, suggesting something indirectly), no. I did a study on the fawn response, and shared it with you (similarly to what I did earlier this very morning on your other thread: a study on another topic).

    In my recent post on this thread, I looked at my own behavior and my mother’s in regard to the fawn response and left it up to you to see if any of the information applies to you (I was thinking in regard to the neighbor you shared about), if you cared to.

    “I never tried to please her… I never agreed with anything negative she said. I corrected her when she gossiped others and I simply said that I had to leave when she didn’t stop her behaviour… I wanted to support her, not to please her“-

    – doesn’t read like the fawn response in regard to your mother. You tried to help her.

    I didn’t agree with the other neighbour who fight against the landfill site here. Her way of solving conflicts includes arguing, creating drama, exerting pressure on others, manipulating others to fight for her side… that’s not for me“- no fawn response here when it comes to the neighbor either. You stood up for your position, not for hers.

    “This is a note for me to remember / come back later to:…  to do:…”- I will leave this for you to return to later then.

    “– A Message to Those Who Love Me –… My boyfriend I am very happy and lucky that I have a supportive and loving partner. Your life wasn’t easy. (life in poverty, beatings… Still, you never gave up… you never grew bitter. You are strong, stable and open-hearted…. Our dog… and you tried so hard to fetch me your favourite ball… Our cat You are the wisest of us all. Buddha cat. My little tiger…. From now, I’ll take better care of you all.❤️“-

    – This is BEAUTIFUL, Jana, Inspiring, thank you for sharing this here!

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 54 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.