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3 months ago Friend blocked me for an incident. Now I want to restart.

HomeForumsRelationships3 months ago Friend blocked me for an incident. Now I want to restart.

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 53 total)
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  • #394835
    Dude
    Participant

    What do you mean by “d o want seem over-emotional to me”?

    #394837
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dude:

    Highlights from the transcript: “Me: I’m on the last straw… 2021 has been just as bad as 2020… I just feel so trapped right now… The main reason why she has all these rules is because she doesn’t want any of us to catch covid and spread it to my uncle who is immunocompromised”,

    “Friend: My whole friendship with you has been nothing but creepy and uncomfortable for me…every time I come there, it’s always so weird. The cameras are sooo creepy, and even more so when you keep asking me weird questions like asking me to bounce on the ball.…you give me such weird vibes bro… …you call me your friend but you’re willing to force me to do something I’m not comfortable with? Really?… Covid won’t last forever. I think within the next year or 2 the pandemic could be over, hopefully she becomes less strict by then. And I hope your situation gets better man, I really do. You’re a good person man and you deserve better” –

    My understanding, Dude, is that if you indeed acted creepy before covid (your former friend said that his “whole relationship with you has been nothing but creepy“), then Covid, plus your aunt getting very scared, placing cameras around so to make sure that you don’t socialize and bring covid home to her husband, and your resulting social isolation- all that got you to feel that you are on your last straw, and creepy was added on top of creepy, as far as your behavior was concerned. Your insistence that he bounces on a yoga ball and your dismissal of whatever he told you, acting as if he didn’t say whatever he was saying… was indeed creepy and weird.

    You shared that recently, potential employers rejected your applications for employment because they became aware of the yoga ball incident. I wonder if, independent of the yoga ball incident, you gave potential employers similar weird vibes to those you gave our former friend (“you give me such weird vibes bro“, he said).

    The video footage combined with our conversation can be used as evidence against me in court. I think it would be criminal harassment?” – from what you shared I don’t see a breaking of the law; a lot of creepy is not illegal. But you can ask a lawyer in your area.

    I run a small club of my own” – I don’t remember you sharing with me about a club you run, what is this club about? Did the employers you contacted have access to the club website where they were able to read about their potential employee’s yoga ball related creepiness?

    By the way, did you ever figure out what was it about bouncing on the yoga ball that got you going that day, (or was it longer than a day, maybe still?)

    anita

    #394845
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Sorry for typo Dude.  I meant to type that I didn’t think that he came across as over-emotional.  I think he came across as quite direct though.

     

    Regarding the yoga ball incident, I think it’s possible that other people may have considered that there were sexual undertones to the request.  I’m under the impression that bouncing on a yoga ball is something some people do as part of masturbatory pleasure-seeking.

    #394846
    Dude
    Participant

    Anita, thanks for responding.

    My understanding, Dude, is that if you indeed acted creepy before covid (your former friend said that his “whole relationship with you has been nothing but creepy“), then Covid?
    Like I mentioned to HoneyBlossom, I believe he said “…whole relationship with [me] has been nothing but creepy & uncomfortable…” & “you give me such weird vibes bro” out of anger. Before the incident, my friend & I would talk normally on iMessage every now & then. He has only been to my house 2x (once in September 9, 2020, all went well & exactly a year later) & we went out for bubble tea on September 19, 2020 with no incident.

    When I invited him over to my house for the 2nd time, he didn’t initially want to come again, since everything was opening up. After explaining my situation, he offered to come back again.

    Before Covid, we had plans to go downtown to check out a new burger place. Obviously we postponed that due to Covid. Both of us were going out every few weeks eating at restaurants, going shopping and even meeting up with his other friends. Since I posted his number on the white board in 2018, there has been no complaint about creepy behaviour.

    I wonder if, independent of the yoga ball incident, you gave potential employers similar weird vibes to those you gave our former friend?
    I only filled in the information the application the questions they were asking me. I only got 1 interview & it went well. But because of the incident, I was fired. On my 1st day. I never gave anyone else “weird or creepy vibes” during my shift. I didn’t even meet other employers since then.

    What is this club about? Did the employers you contacted have access to the club website where they were able to read about their potential employee’s yoga ball related creepiness?
    I run a gaming club of my own. My friend was in the club for a little, but he went inactive, then left because of the incident.

    I’m not entirely sure how the employers found out. I never posted anything about it in our club website or chat group, brought it up in interviews, nor did I find any news articles tied to my name regarding the incident. However, I did come across a Wiki page about my club, with just my username & 1st name, with a section of it illustrating every detail about the incident. I believe potential employers may have come across that Wiki & saw it. Although it’s not illegal, those potential employers most likely didn’t want someone associated with an incident like this working for their company.

    Another friend suggested to me “As an employer, if I were to see stuff like that about someone that applied for a job for my company, I would probably consider someone else”

    Did you ever figure out what was it about bouncing on the yoga ball that got you going that day, (or was it longer than a day, maybe still?
    We were just bored. There was nothing else we could do in the garage. We weren’t allowed to touch anything. I’m a jolly person, who likes to make jokes all the time, & so was he. It was the only thing I could think of at the time. I couldn’t really understand why he didn’t want to, because he was the only one out of all my friends who didn’t bounce. At the time it didn’t really make sense to me.

    #394850
    Dude
    Participant

    HoneyBlossom, I’ve never heard of that before.

    I never had a sexual mindset when I was asking him to bounce. Both of us were wearing appropriate clothing. We were just bored. There was nothing else we could do in the garage. We weren’t allowed to touch anything. I’m a jolly person, who likes to make jokes all the time, & so was he. It was the only thing I could think of at the time. I couldn’t really understand why he didn’t want to, because he was the only one out of all my friends who didn’t bounce. At the time it didn’t really make sense to me.

    I really hope he didn’t think I was asking him to bounce for sexual reasons!

    #394853
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dude:

    I will back to you in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #394859
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hi Dude,

    I believe you but wondered if some of the other people may have thought that.  If you Google “Yoga Ball masturbation” you will see heaps of links about it.

    I feel sorry for you that your aunt did that though I was very upset when my father had chemo for terminal cancer and my cousins wife came to our Christmas party despite us being VERY clear that nobody with a cold could come.  My father did get a cold from her presence there, went back into hospital and t h at was our last Xmas with our father.  I do however think that your aunt use of cameras was over the top. I agree with Anita that likely s h e is so stressed by her husband’s illness that she has taken things further than I would have.

    Is your town a very small one?  I live in s m all town, and especially in smaller communities, there can be lot of Chinese whispers whereby accounts of events can become embellished with misinformation.

    I hope very much that you can move on from this and get on with your life.  When I think back to my friends at your age, I don’t think I am in contact with any of them.  As you get older and time passes from school and study years, most people have friends and acquaintances who come in and out o f your life – people often move for work, travel or relationships.

    I don’t think you should give up on the architecture plans just yet.

    #394860
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    PS There are also links to group warm-up and team-building exercises using yoga balls.  I’ve participated in a few silly and fun group warm-up in study groups.

    #394864
    Dude
    Participant

    HoneyBlossom, thanks for joining in.

    I believe you but wondered if some of the other people may have thought that.  If you Google “Yoga Ball masturbation” you will see heaps of links about it.
    Really there could be 2 ways people could have interpreted it: 1. Neglect of a person’s respect & empathy by constantly asking the friend to bounce on the ball without regard 2. Potential sexual motive in order to entice self/own benefit

    I feel sorry for you that your aunt did that though I was very upset when my father had chemo for terminal cancer and my cousins wife came to our Christmas party despite us being VERY clear that nobody with a cold could come.  My father did get a cold from her presence there, went back into hospital and t h at was our last Xmas with our father.  I do however think that your aunt use of cameras was over the top. I agree with Anita that likely s h e is so stressed by her husband’s illness that she has taken things further than I would have.
    This is exactly why my aunt was so strict on me, my cousins & my mother. She did not want to take ANY risk. The cameras, however, were already there even before Covid. We had a home invasion in the start of 2020, & during the invasion, things were stolen. Unfortunately we didn’t have any security system, so she bought a system with additional cameras. Now iirc (If I Recall Correctly) some of the cameras were faulty so she had to use an old iPhone, an iPad 7 & a GoPro Max.

    My aunt’s restrictions, although effective, came at the cost of our social lives. My cousin wasn’t allowed to have his girlfriend inside the house, just like me we were only allowed guests in the garage. During the height of the pandemic, my aunt didn’t allow my other cousin who is a pharmacist at a downtown hospital to live in the house. My other cousin actually had to borrow her friend’s condo because of that. Same with the 2020-2021 lockdown in our area. In the summer, my aunt allowed my cousins & I to come to our backyard.

    I didn’t understand why my aunt kept her restrictions in 2021 after I got fully vaccinated. She told me “I could still catch it & spread it to my uncle” but my uncle had 2 doses, just like me. In fact, he was the 1st one to get vaccinated in our family!

    As of November 6, 2021, my mother & I moved to the downtown part of the city. It was because I was kicked due to the incident & my mother didn’t want me to stay home all the time.

    Is your town a very small one?
    We live in a suburb. I moved to the downtown part of the same city. Ever since I moved, I’ve been seeing some friends & going out a lot.

    I hope very much that you can move on from this and get on with your life. I don’t think you should give up on the architecture plans just yet.
    I still have a strong belief that my friend will forgive me soon (as by unblocking & maybe readding each other) despite him blocking me again recently. We’ve known each other for almost 10 years. We’ve been high school buddies. I even helped him pay part of his University Student Debt in 2019.

    Another reason why I want to restart the friendship is because since I’m not under my aunt’s restrictions anymore, my friend & I would have the freedom to choose where to hang out once again. We could be going shopping, hanging out with his friends, going to that not-so-new burger place he wanted to see & going to bubble tea, just like what we did before Covid. Until that happens, I’ll be hanging out with other friends, focusing on myself & trying to get a career in architecture.

    As for my job career, I’m still actively looking. Although this incident is hurting my process. About half my college friend group has a job already after graduation.

    There are also links to group warm-up and team-building exercises using yoga balls.  I’ve participated in a few silly and fun group warm-up in study groups.
    I’ve seen those at my local gym!

    #394865
    Dude
    Participant

    HoneyBlossom,

    I’m sorry for your loss, my apologies for not adding this to my reply. My condolences to you and your family.

    #394866
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Oh Hugs and thank you.  My father died MANY years ago, but not a day has passed th a t I have not thought of him. XXX

    #394867
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    I’m so glad you are out of your aunts home though she has her good points and is stressed.

     

    Its good you are finally going out and having fun.

    #394880
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dude:

    This friend we’ve been discussing is very important to you. You referred to him as Friend, with a capital F, in the title of your thread (I’ll refer to him in this post as F). You wrote about F: “There have been many, many, many great moments that happened… between us…  No matter how many friends I have currently, I’ll always be suffering this loss, until I’m able to be friends again with him… No one will ever fill the void my ex-friend left behind. Until he comes back“.

    In your thread, you did not mention a girlfriend, or an interest in a girlfriend or in hanging out with a woman, not in regard to your past, present or future, not before Covid and not after.

    The so-called yoga ball incident: following your aunt’s home being burglarized, she installed security cameras in the garage, which is an entry point to her home.

    Anticipating F’s visit with you in the garage, you disabled the cameras. There were no chairs in the garage, no sofa to sit on, the only options to sit were the floor or 2 giant yoga balls. You sat on one, F sat on the other.

    Almost immediately, you told F: “F, you should bounce”! F said: “I don’t like bouncing… I wanted to sit on a chair“. You then again and again asked him to bounce. Next, you pleaded with him: “Please man, cheer me up… please?

    You tried further to pressure him to bounce on the ball: “You’re kind of the only one that didn’t bounce, out of all my friends… I thought you said you liked it before? Like you enjoyed doing it before“.

    And you asked him: “Just face the other way though“.

    You then offered to buy him something if he bounces on the ball: “You sure you don’t wanna bounce?… I’ll buy you something“.

    You continued to plead with him: “Do it for like 5 seconds“.

    In communication with me, you expressed a concern that F will sue you in court. I asked you, on what legal basis, and you answered yesterday: “the video footage combined with our conversation can be used as evidence against me in court. I think it would be criminal harassment?

    The legal dictionary: “Sexual harassment is defined as an act that is unwanted, unwarranted, and annoying or uncomfortable to the person on the receiving end of the behavior… Harassment must be broken down into two categories: civil harassment, and criminal harassment… One of the most important factors taken into consideration is whether or not the perpetrator has a history of similar behavior… State laws on criminal harassment vary”.

    Wikipedia: “Sexual harassment is a type of harassment involving the use of explicit or implicit sexual overtones, including the unwelcome and inappropriate promises of rewards in exchange for sexual favors… Often, the perpetrator has or is about to have power or authority over the victim… The perpetrator may be completely unaware that their behavior is offensive or constitutes sexual harassment…The victim and perpetrator can be any gender. The perpetrator does not have to be of the opposite sex”.

    My note: I agree with you, Dude, that the yoga-ball-incident was indeed an incident of illegal harassment. Specifically, it was an incident of illegal sexual harassment. You were the perpetrator and F was the victim. Like the quote from Wikipedia states, the perpetrator (Dude) does not have to be aware that his behavior is offensive or constitutes sexual harassment.

    Whether it is criminal or civil, I don’t know. I read (in the legal dictionary quote) that one factor in regard to whether it’s criminal or civil is whether you have a history of sexually harassing people.

    When you offered to buy F something (“You sure you don’t wanna bounce?… I’ll buy you something“), you inappropriate promised him a monetary/ material reward in exchange for a sexual favor (see the Wikipedia quote). The sexual favor you repeatedly pressured him to perform for you was- to bounce on the yoga ball.

    As you can figure yourself from the Wikipedia quote, both the perpetrator and the victim can be of any gender.

    You wrote yesterday: “About a month after the incident (October 2021), another friend of mine offered me a job at his work. About 3 hours into my 1st shift, my boss told me ‘You should have told us about the yoga ball incident. I cannot have you work here, because we don’t want to deal with potential backlash or any distractions.’ I was then asked to leave the workplace” –

    – employers are afraid of and try to avoid sexual harassment taking place in the workplace because it would cost them a lot of money to be sued by potential victims. Let’s say that as their employee you sexually harass another employee or a few other employees, the harassed employee or employees can then sue the employer for damages, which would cost the employer money and reputation. That’s what your short-term boss meant by “potential backlash“.

    About another month after that job (November 2021), I applied for actual full-time jobs… I was offered an interview to one of the jobs I applied for, which I attended, & I had a great interview with the employer. About a week later, they called me back & told me that they couldn’t offer me employment due to “recent incidents”. About 5 other firms I applied for also denied me employment because of the same reasons, with a few mentioning the yoga ball incident, others just saying “recent events” or no apparent reason… I am now unable to find basically any sort of employment mostly because of the incident” –

    – here is what I suggest: (1) See a lawyer in your state, get the legal information that you need so to figure out how to proceed in regard to your future employment situation, (2) Legally, F is not your friend, he is your victim. Be grateful that he didn’t sue you, and (as I bet the lawyer will highly recommend to you):  have no contact with F, (3) Attend counseling/ psychotherapy so to look into possible issues you may have with your romantic/ sexual orientation and sexuality.

    anita

    #394925
    Dude
    Participant

    Anita, thanks for responding.

    Following your aunt’s home being burglarized, she installed security cameras in the garage, which is an entry point to her home.
    There are cameras all over the house. Outside, my aunt hid them with the assistance of myself & my other cousin.


    Anticipating F’s visit with you in the garage, you disabled the cameras. There were no chairs in the garage, no sofa to sit on, the only options to sit were the floor or 2 giant yoga balls. You sat on one, F sat on the other.
    Due to COVID-19 restrictions, I wasn’t allowed to bring any chairs or any furniture out into the garage. That includes me using anything as a chair in the garage. My aunt said it was “high risk” even with extensive cleaning. The yoga ball I have is actually 1 large peanut shaped one. In 2015 I bought the ball because I thought it looked cool. We both sat on the same ball, like a bench.

    In communication with me, you expressed a concern that F will sue you in court.
    It has now been 6 months since the incident. If I recall correctly, he does not have the footage from that day. I obtained the footage exclusively from my aunt. I only said that because I feared that if he had this footage, he would’ve sued me a long time ago.

     employers are afraid of and try to avoid sexual harassment taking place in the workplace because it would cost them a lot of money to be sued by potential victims.
    From the October 2021 job, my other friend who referred me to the place told me that our boss fired me because “he & his business did not want to deal with any backlash, specifically hate comments, death threats & boycotting. At the time I was getting a lot of hate comments & people were boycotting my club for what I did. He did not mention anything sexually related about it.

    I am unsure how other employers found out. I guess maybe through that Wiki I mentioned earlier. I doubt people saw the footage, maybe just the conversation we had. As far as I know, I’m the only one other than my family who’s seen the footage.

    (1) See a lawyer in your state, get the legal information that you need so to figure out how to proceed in regard to your future employment situation
    How would I do this? Do I just show tell them what happened & how jobs weren’t being offered to me because of the incident? & What happens if they can’t do anything? I’ve only applied for their jobs & possibly failed their background check for that incident. Only about 5 of the 100 jobs I applied to responded.

    I’ve seen a video where employers “gather everything they find on the internet from every source they can get for that person they’re hiring. They check all social media profiles, any clubs you’re in, any activity you’ve been up to. As soon as they find something negative, most employers will probably immediately dismiss this person & move on to someone else”

    In this case I believed many employers stumbled upon the Wiki page or other (unknown to me) sources about the incident. In regards to the Wiki, I’ve already sent a takedown request for the yoga ball allegations.

    #394929
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dude:

    I read your recent post, including your corrections and I still believe that my last post to you from yesterday, is the best I can offer you.

    You asked in regard to my suggestion that you see a lawyer: “How would I do this? Do I just show tell them what happened & how jobs weren’t being offered to me because of the incident?” – make an appointment with a lawyer who deals with employment law and tell him or her all the information you have. The lawyer will ask you questions as well.

    Make sure that before you share anything with the lawyer, that attorney-client confidentiality applies to anything and everything that you share with the lawyer. (Attorney-client confidentiality means that your lawyer does not disclose what you tell him to a third parties).

    What happens if they can’t do anything?” – I don’t know. Direct his question to the lawyer.

    You wrote that you saw a video where employers “gather everything they find on the internet from every source they can get for that person they’re hiring. They check all social media profiles, any clubs you’re in, any activity you’ve been up to. As soon as they find something negative, most employers will probably immediately dismiss this person & move on to someone else” – I wish that everyone would be reading this and beware of what they post on social media, etc.

    Like I said, my post from yesterday (combined with this post) is the very best I can offer you. I have nothing else. I hope that you take the matter forward to a lawyer and to a psychotherapist, as I suggested yesterday. I am now withdrawing from your thread, and I wish you well!

    anita

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