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Almost making a mistake in my childhood

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #338762

    George
    Participant

    Basically when I was around 13 years old, I had a sexual urge out of nowhere, and I almost made a mistake, that was totally out of character at the time, so basically I was looking after a family friends child, and for some reason I had a sexual urge, not that I am attracted to child, or what not because I am totally not, I love females, but at the Time I don’t understand where this urge Came from and I thought of having sex with a 1 year old at the time, thank God I didn’t, because I came to notice it was a boy because when I looked through their diaper I discovered it was a boy so I didn’t go there, but looking back at it, as a adult, I feel disgusted and sick at my actions, I’ve even had suicidal thoughts, and so on, because the adult in me regrets what I almost did and I am often guilt tripped every time I’ve even went to see a therapist about this issue and I just don’t know what to do, at times I feel like I don’t enjoy my life as much because of this little situation that happened in my childhood, and I just need advice in this situation, I need help

    #338986

    anita
    Participant

    Dear George:

    “I’ve even went to see a therapist about this issue and I just don’t know what to do”-

    – for me to come up with some helpful suggestion to you, I need to know how many times did you see a therapist, and what happened during the therapy session or sessions: what did she/he say to you after you told her about this “Almost making a mistake in my childhood”. What suggestions did she give you?

    anita

    #339016

    Peter
    Participant

    Hi George

     “the adult in me regrets what I almost did”

    I do not know anyone who has not been surprised by a thought that seeming come out of no where. If you have ever attempted meditation and quieting the mind you might have noticed that the mind produces thoughts. One after the Other. Most of which we don’t even notice or pay any attention to.  One of the intention of meditation is to avoid attaching oneself to the thoughts which then become thinking.

    At 13 you it’s likely that puberty greatly influenced the thoughts that arouse. Thoughts that would have been confusing and seeming come out of no where. At this stage of life its understandable to have urges and thoughts that scare you. As this particular thought repelled you, you learned that that was not you. You are not your thoughts, you have thoughts and are not compelled to act on every thought you might have. You learned to master your thoughts and not have your thoughts and urges master you. Very important lesson of puberty.

    Regret is usually attached to things we wish we hadn’t done or not done. Regret is usually a desire to change what cannot be changed with the result of getting stuck in the past and missing out on the present.  I don’t see the point in attaching the experience of regret to something you are glad you didn’t do isn’t regret. There is not point to it, unless of course you enjoy punishing yourself, but that is a different problem then regret.

     

    #339362

    George
    Participant

    Hey guys thank you for your advice it’s been really helpful, and I’ve been to see the therapist once well he’s a hypnotherapist, in attempt to remove my negative thinking and he said the same things you guys said the fact that I was at that age and I was just coming to puberty and so on and the fourth, the thing that guilt trips me is the fact that I attempted to do it but didn’t do it because I discovered it was a boy and if it wasn’t I feel like I would of went through with it just out of impulsive because as you guys said it was the age I was and I find that incredibly disgusting and I have been a ashamed of myself because of it, and it was some else is child, even looking through the diaper disgustes me and if I could go back in time I would of slapped myself because yeah it was a crazy thought I had and the fact that I attempted it is crazy to me

     

    #339374

    anita
    Participant

    Dear George:

    “if I could go back in time I would have slapped myself”- I agree, the 13 year old teenager who did what he did (and fortunately didn’t do more than what he did), needs to be punished.

    Not all people who commit crimes go to jail, some are sentenced to community service (U.S.). They are assigned such jobs such as clearing trash from pubic parks, cleaning public bathrooms and so forth.  I suggest the following:

    1. Volunteer to  two weeks to a month of such community service, 50 hours- 100 hours. This way you will punish that teenager (who is still there, he is you!) and benefit the community.

    2. Attend a class on child abuse detection and prevention, so that you are better equipped to not repeat the behavior you engaged in at 13, and so that you will be able to help detect and report child abuse in your community, as well as help in other ways to prevent child abuse.

    * Look at government websites regarding child abuse for more information. If you want, you can tell me where you live (country, state), and I will be glad to research #1 and 2 above and give you specific information.

    anita

     

    #339376

    George
    Participant

    Ermm I don’t understand what all this means, I didn’t actually commit a offence did I?, but I was wrong In having a attention, and hearing all that being written doesn’t make me feel any better? Can I get an opinion of what you guys think and how do I get past it, I almost done an impulsive mistake I was a kid

    #339378

    George
    Participant

    I didn’t harm the child in any way

    #339382

    anita
    Participant

    Dear George:

    What you did was wrong: it was an act of child abuse. You did  it when you were 13, a teenager (not a 3 year old),  enough to be held accountable for impulsive wrong acts.

    When you do something that is wrong, you should do what you can to correct your wrongdoing. What I suggested, that you work 50 hours clearing a park from trash, and then take a class on child abuse, is a reasonable consequence and a learning opportunity for you, to become a better person.

    (I would hope that correcting your wrongdoing will cause you to feel better).

    anita

    #339384

    George
    Participant

    now I am a adult and this happened over 10 years ago, and how isit child abuse when I never did anything to the child? I never did anything sexual or anything, or touched any private part, I actually didn’t do anything, it’s just that my thinking was wrong and so on and I almost committed a bad mistake I was very young and stupid

    #339388

    anita
    Participant

    Dear George:

    You can still make restitution (making a correction for a wrong doing) ten years after- it is not too late. And this is good news, isn’t it?

    “I actually didn’t do anything, it’s just that my thinking was wrong”- but you did do something. Here is what you did: “I looked through their diaper”-

    -you touched the diaper the baby was wearing and moved it up or aside, so to look at the naked baby, with the intent of sexually abusing the baby (as opposed to touching and moving a diaper aside so to see if it is dirty so to change it, if it’s dirty).

    This is an act with the intent to sexually abuse a child. It is definitely a wrong doing.

    It is not a wrong doing as severe as if you proceeded to do what you intended to do, but it still is a wrong doing, an act of child abuse.

    Why is it, George, that you are not relieved and excited about the idea of correcting a wrong doing that bothered you for ten years?

    (I will be away from the computer for a few hours).

    anita

     

    #339392

    George
    Participant

    Where in the law does it state looking through a diaper is child abuse ?

    #339396

    George
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I went on a past topic you reported and this is how you responsed to someone who had a similar situation to what I did, but difference is the person actually touched the child and here’s how you responded, I was just curious in knowing how comes I’ve received a different to response to this person who actually abused a child:

    This thread started May 5, 2013, more than five years ago. On the first post, the original post, a member mentioned sexual behavior in childhood that he regrets as an adult, feeling shame and guilt. The reason this is the longest active thread on the site is because there are so many, many people who regret their sexual behavior as children. So many people consumed with shame and guilt over sexual behavior in childhood.

    I communicated with a few members on this thread and stopped at one point. I didn’t want to communicate anymore about sexual acts done (by children) to children and animals. I couldn’t stomach it anymore, made me cringe. And yet, members keep posting here, experiencing real pain, and so, I want to respond without attending to any particular sexual act, without discussing such details.

    First and foremost, most important thing: children should be protected from aggression, no aggression should be expressed to children (yelling, disrespectful tone of voice, disrespectful words, silent treatment/angry withdrawal, and so on). Children should also be protected from being sexually explored and/ or used by other children particularly older children and by adults. This protection must not be compromised for any reason.

    Using animals for sex is wrong too.

    Now the rest of my post: there is nothing much that brings up so much shame and guilt in people than the topic of sex. Often it is a retroactive shame and guilt: the young child knows nothing about right and wrong until he or she is taught right and wrong. Shame and guilt regarding acts done with no awareness of it being wrong, that is, being potentially harmful, are not justified. You didn’t know. When there was no aggression involved and you didn’t see any sign of distress, and you weren’t taught it was wrong to do this or that, you simply didn’t know. Can’t be held accountable for what you did in those circumstances.

    Many of the acts were done following watching porn or looking at porn magazines. The industry of porn is so huge, involving many of millions of people producing the material, being part of the material, performers, and paying for the material, customers. This is an unfortunate reality. I wish this industry did not at all exist, none of it, not the less harmful and not the more harmful, the devastating illegal content porn . Pornography harms lots and lots of people, including children exposed to it.

    When you watched pornographic images as a child, no wonder you were intrigued. No wonder you were motivated to try some of those things you watched. Notice the “big picture” here. The Wrong is much bigger than your experimenting following such viewing, there is a multi billion industry in the picture. It will be helpful if you did what you can do now as an adult, to protect children from pornography, to  pay attention so that they are not exposed to it, and to supervise children otherwise, so to prevent sexual exploration and acting by some against others.

    It is important that you don’t join the industry by paying any money into it, purchasing any film or buying a magazine with such images. Do what you can to not encourage this industry, and if you can, discourage it best you can.

    If only we could go back into the past and not do certain things… if only, oh, how we would go back. But we can’t. So this is what you can do: think, did anyone get hurt, if the answer is possibly, see a capable, professional psychotherapist or counselor so to investigate whether a harm was potentially done. And if so, what, if anything, you need to do now: what will be the right thing for you to do now, if anything.

    If there is nothing for you to do, then you have to endure the shame and guilt you feel. And I understand feeling it when intellectually you understand that you were not accountable for your actions then. So you endure it, accept it. Sometimes shame and guilt are so intense and have been going on for so long, that they will not go away, can’t just let it go (in the title of this thread). So don’t try. Let it be.

    And here is how you begin the process of the shame and guilt getting weaker and weaker until one day you notice that it is not there anymore, so weak, that it is not a problem for you anymore: you lead your life now attentively best you can, attentive to do right by others as well as by yourself, to do-no-harm to others and none to yourself. This is how you earn your self forgiveness. Avoid people who harm you, protect yourself, and do no harm to others.

    Instead of silently suffering shame and guilt, as if your suffering helps you or others (it only harms you and others who are negatively affected by your suffering), actively do what is right for you and for others. It is the active living, the attentive, thoughtful choosing of your words and actions that will earn you this desired self forgiveness

    #339398

    anita
    Participant

    George- I am not here to argue with you. I stand by my input to you, and I am done communicating with  you.

    anita

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