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Am I a bad person?

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  • #218037
    Nonny
    Participant

    Hi, I thought I’d come here because I really need a listening ear because I feel terrible and I’m much too afraid of losing my family to have them listen to what I’ve got to say. I really regret something i did when I was 14 to possibly 16 years old. Some background: I am 18 now and up until a few weeks ago I would’ve said I was a good person and that I’d hate to ever hurt someone or do something wrong and so my family remind me often. It’s just now it feels like a lie. It’s like I’d buried these moments of my adolescence and hidden them.

    To get to it, and i feel disgusting just saying it, but I read somethings and was possibly (urghh) thrilled by them. To start from the beginning… I began reading fan fiction as a way of getting more out of my favourite tv shows and books and as a way to ship my favourite characters. I must’ve been 12/13 when I started reading them. I soon discovered that there was more content my selecting all ratings and that this included mature content. At the time I selected them only to read the stories and then skim over the mature content because I was quite disgusted by the basic porn written in them- as a religious, young person I knew I wasn’t allowed and it felt dirty. As I got older, there’d be nights when I’d get curious and read some of this smut and I’d get tingly reading it. Then wanting to feel the same id go to read it again but would no longer get the tingle so then I’d read something dirtier like bdsm or threesomes or whatever. There came a point and I’m disgusted to say it where a handful of times I read stories of incest and stories that contained aspects of paedophilia never any penetration of young children but it’s disgusting I know). I’m horrified just thinking of it, as soon as I read them or the next day I’d feel disgusted by myself and feel as though I’d been out of my mind because I’d never read stuff like that or be attracted or turned on by stuff like that normally. Going back to the same story when I was out of that weird sexual mood I’d feel sick and disgusted, much like how I feel thinking back. I really do not fantasise or enact any of this stuff not to my memory have I ever committed any acts replicated in those stories. I’ve been obsessing over how this makes me an awful person and how disgusted I am. I feel as though I don’t deserve to have kids when I’m older and feel like I’m living a lie. I don’t read any of that stuff anymore and haven’t read anything graphic for a couple years. I look back and think that as a child I always did enjoy watching kissing scenes in movies and stuff. Also there’s this vague scene in my mind and I’m not sure if it’s a memory or if I made it up but ever since I was young and didn’t even know what sex was, I seem to have an idea that my older cousin made my boy cousins touch me down there when I was very young but I don’t know and I’m too afraid to mention it but I can’t understand why as a child I would make something up like that and not tell anyone either. I don’t know what exactly I’m asking here and I know I’m a horrible person and nothing makes up for reading that vile material and all I can say is that thinking of it now I get no pleasure from it, I’m convinced it will send me to hell and my family, if they knew, would hate me for it because I hate me for it. I would never hurt a child or anyone, I haven’t even been in a relationship before and all my real life crushes have been boys my age or older. I just want someone’s view I guess so that I don’t make myself crazy.

    #218049
    Prash
    Participant

    Hi Nonny, definitely you are not a bad person. This is something that happened to you in one phase of your life. You are aware of how it affects you, you are concerned about your family and their views. All that shows the goodness in you. You have never replicated any of these acts and you definitely don’t intend to do so. Don’t obsess over what does not exist.

    If you are really bothered by the images and you want to get to the root of it, seeking the help of a therapist would be of help. Increasing your awareness and mindfulness practices will also help you in addressing these issues.  There are possibly some triggers that you can identify and prevent escalation of these kind of thoughts.

    I would definitely like to hear how you are able to overcome the guilt that you face now and blossom in to the wonderful person that you really are.

    Take care.

    #218081
    Nonny
    Participant

    Hi Prash. Thank you so much for your reply, it has filled me with relief. I was so scared that all my fears would come true and it would confirm what I thought, that this mistake would make me a horrible person and I could never move away from it. Trying to overcome the guilt I feel is awful, some days are worse than others but I’m learning. It’s hard keeping it secret because I’m usually so honest and tell my mum everything because we’re close but I quickly became scared that it was a lie because this thing made the person I thought I was seem fake, like inside I must be a monster to have done that and it’s hard not to think that still.

    If there is a silver lining,  it’s that I can understand better when people I know make mistakes and I can forgive theirs much quicker because I know that mine are as bad but more likely worse and I no longer hold such high standards of people because I haven’t been able to meet them myself.

    I think what helps is reminding myself that I would never do such things or read such things again, I have learnt and grown as a person and my morals and principles are probably the reason I feel sick thinking back on what I did.

    I will take on board your suggestion of therapy because when I had the urge to read and search for the most wrong and dark fics, I felt an almost compulsion to do it so I will definitely want to know if there were any triggers. To do something so wholly unlike myself and my beliefs is definitely scary and I would hope to prevent it ever happening again.

    Thanks again, prash, you will never know how much you have helped. Still though, if there are more people out there who think differently or wish to add their thoughts please do, this chapter is certainly not closed in my life as much as I want to move on. I of course have lots to learn and make up for.

    #218085
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nonny:

    My answer, first in general and then specifically to you:

    In general: there is such a thing as bad people in our world. You mentioned incest. A parent who practices incest, has sexual activity with his or her child is a bad person. A person who does not, but produces an incest video (for the purpose of posting it online, let’s say, to make money) is also a bad person.

    A person who pays to watch such a film or otherwise watches it knowing that by watching it he/she is benefiting the person who produced the video and/ or the person doing the incest is also a bad person.

    A person who  knows of incest next door, happening to a child, and who does nothing about it is also a bad person.

    On the other hand, a person who happened to watch such a video (not being aware of it benefiting the person who produced the video or the one practicing the incest), got aroused, then distressed and is no longer in the practice of watching such is not a bad person.

    A person is not bad for feeling any feeling, for experiencing a bodily sensation of any kind. These are not matters of our choosing, therefore there is no badness in these. Neither are we bad for any thought that occurs to us, as these too just happen and are not a matter of our choosing.

    A person is bad for behavior, however impulsive.

    And now specifically to you (and I mention incest but included are the other topics): you are not a bad person because you didn’t practice incest, you didn’t produce a video depicting incest, you weren’t aware that you were benefiting a person practicing it or producing such a video, and you choose to no longer watch such videos.

    Let me know what you think of my reply and we can communicate further, if you would  like.

    anita

    #218097
    Sheelanagig
    Participant

    Hi Nonny,

    it sounds to me like you are just exploring sexuality and looked at that stuff out of being curious about sex, and then it sounds like the negative feelings around sex and especially around sexual abuse of kids really made you feel very anxious. I would try to cut yourself a break and be compassionate with yourself. You are just learning about yourself and the world. It sounds like you are introspective and sensitive.  I’m not sure what advice I could give besides just some reassurance you are not a horrible person, but that sexuality is a very complicated issue socially and it takes a long time to understand our own boundaries sometimes.

    #218129
    Prash
    Participant

    Very nicely put, Anita. Hope this helps you, Nonny. Feelings, bodily sensations and thoughts we think seem ours but are not really in our control at times. When we are able to see them as just that, that is our gateway to peace and inner progress.

    #218149
    Nonny
    Participant

    I think this has helped very much. I think it just disarms me, these feelings of disgust of myself, because reading porn and that kind of porn and fan fiction in general is just something no one I know personally does and so I feel like only I have committed this sin and that because it is so abnormal that I must be so much worse than others and the normal stuff they do. Drugs, sex, alcohol seem like such regular mistakes and understandable ones whereas what I’ve done is so irregular and seems so much worse.

    I also find it difficult because I don’t know how it is I was curious to read this porn when I don’t even watch porn or like the idea of seeing people intimate. I feel ill sometimes not only because I’ve done something bad but because no one around me would have done the same and so no one would understand it- hell even I don’t. Is this normal? To feel like the only bad person amongst normal good people.

    Thanks for your clarification Anita, it has certainly helped in understanding that what I did was a mistake and repeating or allowing that behaviour to continue would’ve been bad. I guess though I have to realise that not everyone has the same experiences as me and so not everyone makes the same mistakes but it is hard not being able to share and feeling as though I’m harbouring a dark secret.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Nonny.
    #218155
    Nonny
    Participant

    Hi Sheelanagig and Prash, thanks for your words of wisdom. I read a bit about intrusive thoughts and I get that not everything I think or was intrigued by can be understood and it is more likely a reflection on a situation or a different phase in my life. Hopefully, I can remind myself of this advice when I’m finding things difficult. It’s when I’m most horrified by what I did that I remove myself from those I love because I feel almost unworthy and I hope this will help me to move on from this mistake.

    #218181
    Prash
    Participant

    I believe that everyone has shades of grey, Nonny. So rest assured that everyone would have their share of mistakes. Its just that no one displays it.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>Never let yourself feel unworthy as that is likely to take you in a downward spiral. You have been remarkable in your search for a way out of this and that in itself shows you your intent which I believe is so positive. Let this go and redirect your focus on all other positive aspects of your life – the family that you love so much and many more that are just waiting for you to access them. :-)<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    #218215
    Nonny
    Participant

    This is unbelievably kind of you to say Prash and I hope to take this advice on board and live in the present rather than dwell on the past.

    #218225
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nonny:

    A couple of things: you said you are religious, grown up in a religious home. If the story of the Garden of Eden is part of your bible, Adam and Eve were drawn to the one tree god told them to not eat from and they ate from it. People are inclined to focus on the very thing we are told by authority (god or parents) to   not look at, be it that fruit tree or, in the case of this thread, porn. It is a compulsion of sort (the word you used).

    Another thing: you think that other people, your peers, did not and do not watch porn. What if they did or do and keep it a secret, just like you do? The porn industry is so huge not because of a single customer, you, that is. Their teenage customers are in the many millions.

    I think it is important that you no longer watch porn. I believe it is a bad choice to watch porn, look at the torment it already created in you. It is a bad thing to promote the porn industry, I believe, by paying any money into it. Your curiosity about it, about the most taboo topics, is understandable, considering the first thing I mentioned on this post. But this curiosity should not be indulged any further. Relax best you can with the fact that you did watch it in the past, that you did get aroused by it. And leave it in the past.

    Maybe one day you will talk to young people about the disadvantages of porn watching, and you will be speaking from your own experience, and so you will be convincing and able to help other young people to not experience the torment that you have experienced.

    anita

    #218771
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I think this has to do with your faith and the guilt your upbringing may be bringing you. I read similar things as you when I was a teenager and so have many, many teenagers. I was sexually abused as a child, incestuously, and yet I don’t feel any negativity towards you. Also fan fiction is not actual porn that involves real people, ultimately it hurts no more than, say, Lolita. It was also probably written by fellow teenagers, quite frankly, I remember when fan fiction was often about taboo things. Forgive yourself.

    #218807
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Also, this may be difficult, but if I were you I’d stay away from fandom and fan fiction, I think it is an unhealthy community.

    #382262
    Grace
    Participant

    Hi! Recently I have been feeling like hell because of thoughts that I dont want to, Could you give me some advice how to overcome it? I feel so horrivle for reading fanfictions that are bad fics about idols and I feel horrivle because I read it and the fact that I enjoyed it that time but now im repenting on it and dont want to touch that kind of topic again

    #382272
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Grace:

    Approximately, how old are you? Did you stop/ when did you stop watching pornographic  fanfiction (and all other pornographic material) following feeling so horrible about having  watched it?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 25 total)

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