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An overwhelming sense of not belonging

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  • #340576
    Alianna McSherry
    Participant

    Most of my problems with my mom boiled down to her alcoholism and neglect when I was young.  As I grew older she stopped drinking, but would continue to neglect and bully me.  Communication wasn’t there.  Things just progressively became worse until I couldn’t speak to her any longer, for my own safety.

    #340580
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alianna McSherry:

    Do I understand correctly: that you are no longer in contact with your mother?

    (I ended contact with my mother seven years ago).

    anita

    #340650
    Alianna McSherry
    Participant

    Correct.

    #340654
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alianna McSherry:

    You are no longer in contact with your mother. You shared about her: “when she‘s depressed or stressed she‘ll  become rather volatile”- in the present tense and future tense (is & will). The reason I mention the fact that you used the present and future tense is that when we have a mother that hurts us badly when we are very young, and we end contact with her, she is not gone. She has a mental representative in our brain that keeps talking to us and we keep talking to her, all within the distance between our ears.

    This is why in our quest of healing, cutting contact with a harmful mother is only the beginning.

    You wrote that your mother was volatile and that she bullied you. Notice this: you wrote regarding you and your mother: “Communication wasn’t there”- but it was. When she bullied you, she communicated to you that she disapproves of you, that she doesn’t think well of you, that she doesn’t like you, that you are a bad girl. And I am sure that for a long time you communicated to her that you are a good girl, that you love her, but she didn’t listen, and eventually you gave up.

    What does a young girl, bullied by the person she loves most in the world (her mother) fees?

    I was bullied by my mother and I must have felt very hurt, but what I remember looking back to the child and teenager that I was, was the feeling of intense anger at her. I felt ashamed for feeling angry at my own mother. But I couldn’t stop feeling angry at her. I didn’t understand that it is natural and instinctive to feel anger at a person who bullies you, whomever the bully is.

    The love I felt so strongly for her, the love every child feels for her mother, I pushed down that love (you don’t want to be soft with a bully!). I turned inwards and shut myself off to her and to the rest of the world. Like you, I felt this “heavy feeling that I just shouldn’t be here, in this world or this society.. sadness that I can’t ever be truly close to anyone, or have a complete and pure understanding of another and them with me” (quote from your original post).

    When a child’s love is returned with hate (which is what motivates bullying), the child pushes her love down and under, and lives life with unresolved hurt and anger, lonely and alone, with an “overwhelming sense of not belonging” (title of your thread).

    Do you relate to what I shared here?

    anita

    #340660
    Alianna McSherry
    Participant

    When I said communication wasn’t there, I meant more that as I came into my teens she wouldn’t speak to me at all.  There would be long bouts of her pretending I didn’t exist with short breaks of criticism.  The feeling of not belonging, at least currently, lies in the difference of values I often seem to experience within society.  I don’t value many things that people rave about, and I’m not sure if it’s a problem with me or not.

    You do, however, touch on the lingering feelings of self doubt I experience, which are from family as well as outside problems.

    #340670
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alianna McSherry:

    When your mother wouldn’t speak to you at all, pretending you didn’t exist and once in a while noticing you just so to criticize you, did she communicate anything to you, in this behavior of hers?

    anita

    #340672
    Alianna McSherry
    Participant

    Absolutely.  She was very clear about her disinterest in me and would often tell me she wish she’d never had children, sometimes pointed directly at me, other times not.  She wasn’t afraid to hide how she felt.

    #340684
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alianna McSherry:

    In your post before last, you wrote: “The feeling of not belonging, at least currently, lies in the difference of values I often seem to experience within society. I don’t value many things that people rave about”-

    – I assure you that your feeling of not belonging is about your mother telling you that she wished she’d never had you. I mean, how can a child possibly feel that she belongs to her mother, when her mother tells her she wishes her child wasn’t even there!?

    I know that your thoughts are focuses on society and societal issues, but it is not the bigger society out there that brought about your feelings of not belonging etc.

    A child’s society is made up of the people in her home of origin. Her Family is her Society. When the mother is the person who is at home more than the father,  most of the time, well.. She is Society.

    Does this make sense to you?

    anita

    #340704
    Alianna McSherry
    Participant

    I did have a good relationship with my older sister growing up, who sort of took the parental role.  My hesitation in saying it’s because of my mother lays in that, and knowing her upbringing and mental health difficulties.  I’m not upset or hurt nearly as much as I used to be.  When I had distance and time to think I realized it wasn’t anyone’s fault, because she didn’t want to hurt anyone.  She was hurting herself and it would come out as anger.

    It could be lingering pain from my experience growing up, but I’ve never been bothered by feeling like I don’t belong in my family or a specific group.  I just feel alien in the world, and in the culture.  I have a difficult time talking to most people I meet, and usually when I do begin talking with someone they grow bored quickly.  This has followed me my entire life, even after working with people and being forced from my comfort zone.  My mother did cause some issues, but she’s not everything wrong in my life.  It feels unfair to blame someone who doesn’t know how to love others because she hates herself.

    #340720
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alianna McSherry:

    I am glad you had a good relationship with your older sister growing up.

    You are very empathetic toward your mother for having had a difficult upbringing, for having mental health difficulties, and for “hurting herself”, and you clear her from any fault or guilt (“it wasn’t anyone’s fault.. it feels unfair to blame someone”).

    On the other hand, “she was very clear about her disinterest in me and would tell me she wish she’d never had… me”- she was not empathetic toward you; she was not concerned with having provided you with a difficult upbringing; she was not concerned for causing you mental health difficulties, or for hurting you. She never bothered to clear you from fault or guilt, did she.

    My point is- a child always loves her mother; unfortunately, too often, a mother doesn’t love her child back. It is the saddest story of unreciprocated love.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by anita.
    #340750
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Alianna,

    “I’ve had many options put forth for me, but I can’t seem to stick with anything.  I’m not sure if it’s impatience or I just don’t have faith in anything working.  Either way, it’s definitely something I need to work on.”

    I often had a hard time sticking to anything or choosing options in front of me because I deep down believed that I didn’t deserve good things or success, that I was bad. The development of my mind with my upbringing played a role in this. I would hear the insults told to me in the past as I would attempt new things. I have soothed and distracted myself from these thoughts over the years and it has become less of a dominating belief in my life. I don’t know if this is relatable to you?

Viewing 11 posts - 16 through 26 (of 26 total)

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