February 4, 2021 at 4:50 pm #374077
Dear Anagha Sonde:
If he indeed raped you according to Indian law, and if a competent Indian lawyer is representing you, then yes, proceed with the legal process so to have him arrested. Like you wrote earlier today: “The legal route at least gives me hope that one day I will get justice. So I can live life with that hope”-
– and I do want you to have hope and to live a better life.
anitaMarch 10, 2021 at 10:59 pm #375903Anagha SondeParticipant
Hi Dear Anita,
I have slipped into depression. I am taking Lithium tablets for bipolar disorder as advised by my psychiatrist and doing talk therapy or counseling as well. But those therapists do not understand me as you do. Once in a while, since I was raped after being in love with the accused and he took advantage of the fact that I am in love with him, I still have soft spot for the rapist and have an irrational demand that he should marry me although things stand differently today. I do not mind if the marriage ends in divorce, but my point is he took advantage of my love towards him and promised me marriage thereby taking undue advantage of getting physical with me and not keeping up the promise of marriage. This is rape here in India. I am unable to get sleep at night and spend many hours thinking about this and my other court cases as well. I have been forced to resign by my employer and I am fighting that out as well. I really need to get some sleep and whatever sleep I manage to get is marred with nightmares of the hellish episodes of my life. Please help as to how I can get my peace of mind back. I cannot do meditation because I get a rush of thoughts nor can I practice forgiveness. Please suggest something practical.
Thanks in advance.
AnaghaMarch 11, 2021 at 10:16 am #375913
I read your recent post and then re-read all your previous posts.
First, a summary of the recent/ current circumstances of your life: you are a 33 or 34 year old unmarried woman, currently unemployed, living with your parents, brother and sister-in-law in South India. Your family members views you “as an object of shame… a black mark on the family” because you are unmarried at your age, in a society where women get married in their early twenties and where married women are valued and unmarried women are devalued.
When you reached out for the company of female friends, now married women, they had no time for you, coming up “with excuses saying their husband does not allow, no time, their child needs them etc.”, so you “stopped counting (on) them”.
Alone and lonely, you made a few male friends through Tinder, chatting with them over the phone. You “go shopping alone.. go to the movies alone.. go roaming alone” and, being good looking and a woman who is roaming alone, many men approached you for sex, and you proceeded to have sex with them (foreplay “minus the sexual intercourse”).
History of your mental state and past relationship: you slipped into depression in 2010 while in a relationship with your then boyfriend, “due to work pressure and increased demands for physical pleasure” from him. In 2012, you were diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. In 2013 the relationship with your then boyfriend ended, it was “a very abrupt breakup that happened long-distance”.
From 2013-2016, you suffered, took medicine and attended counseling, you tried to forgive him but unable (“I am someone who is incapable of forgiving or forgetting”). You found no “sort of peace with anything”. In 2016 you consulted a lawyer, involved the police and started years-long legal proceedings against your ex-boyfriend, accusing him of cheating, rape and going back on his promise to marry you, demanding that he either marries you or get convicted: “I informed the legal authorities that either he has to marry me or he has to get convicted”.
You accuse your ex-boyfriend of deriving sexual pleasure from your body while you “never enjoyed and mostly laid like a log”, waiting for him to be done, wishing it was over. This is how you described the experience of passively allowing him to have sex with you (minus the intercourse): “that horror… feel impure.. like shit from the inside.. my blood had become impure… dirty and sinful from the inside… I have lost my purity and I feel violated and scarred for life. I feel that my boyfriend ruined my life”.
In your most recent post, you asked me: “Please help as to how I can get my peace of mind back… Please suggest something practical”-
– what I can offer you is to try and fit your thinking to reality and then, a couple of suggestions:
(1) Almost every woman, if not every single woman, at one time or another, has experienced having been used by a man for his sexual pleasure while not experiencing such pleasure herself. Many of the married women in India, if not all, experience this very experience from time to time, some more often than others. Even within a healthy, loving and respectful relationship, the woman does not enjoy each and every sexual exchange.
Unfortunately and tragically, millions of women experience this on a regular basis: women who work in the sex industry, women who are forced to work in the sex industry, and otherwise, lonely women so desperate for company, that having their bodies used for a man’s pleasure without experiencing pleasure themselves, feels like a small price to pay for not being alone.
You are not alone in your experience of having been used by your ex-boyfriend for his sexual pleasure while not experiencing such pleasure yourself. I am sorry that you experienced this repeatedly.
(2) You are singularly focused on your ex-boyfriend as the one and only cause of all your suffering, but he is not the only cause: your parents did not guide you and left you to deal with the dating world alone, with no preparation and no understanding, and traditional society itself has double standards for men and for women when it comes to dating and sex, and it mistreats unmarried women, including you.
(1) The principle of justice is very important to you and you have focused on seeking justice by taking legal action against your ex-boyfriend. There is much more than you can do in the pursuit of justice: you can become an activist within your society, advocating for the rights of women to say No to men’s sexual advances and to say Stop once a sexual activity has begun. You can advocate for the rights of unmarried women in their late twenties and onward to be treated by society with respect.
(2) You are lonely and as a social person, you need to socialize: find a way to experience meaningful social interactions with other people that do not involve or include sex. Find a friend, or friends with whom there is absolutely no sexual interaction.
(3) Because you feel contaminated and dirty, and because you are religious, look for a religious ceremony or practice that is not unhealthy or damaging, for the purpose of reinstating in you the feeling of purity, a feeling you so desperately need.
anitaMarch 13, 2021 at 2:56 pm #376039Anagha SondeParticipant
I have considered whatever you have said in your previous post and took the initiative of completing my life coaching certification. I practice as a certified life coach now and that is my parallel profession. I did some digital marketing about this and created a website. Now I have few clients, to begin with. Becoming a women’s rights activist is something that I have thought of for a long time and I would definitely consider taking that up seriously. I want you to encourage me on this path. Even if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I will light a match stick and create light in the tunnel.
Anagha SondeMarch 13, 2021 at 8:34 pm #376063
Dear Anagha Sonde:
I do encourage you on the path of becoming a women’s rights activist, and I am encouraged myself, as a woman who has suffered from mistreatment by men/ society, that you are willing and able “to light a match stick and create light in the tunnel”.
Anything and everything that you can do, however small in magnitude, to educate women about their rights as human beings- makes a big difference, Thank you!