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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 48 total)
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  • #374077
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anagha Sonde:

    If he indeed raped you according to Indian law, and if a competent Indian lawyer is representing you, then yes, proceed with the legal process so to have him arrested. Like you wrote earlier today: “The legal route at least gives me hope that one day I will get justice. So I can live life with that hope”-

    – and I do want you to have hope and to live a better life.

    anita

    #375903
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Hi Dear Anita,

    I have slipped into depression. I am taking Lithium tablets for bipolar disorder as advised by my psychiatrist and doing talk therapy or counseling as well. But those therapists do not understand me as you do. Once in a while, since I was raped after being in love with the accused and he took advantage of the fact that I am in love with him, I still have soft spot for the rapist and have an irrational demand that he should marry me although things stand differently today. I do not mind if the marriage ends in divorce, but my point is he took advantage of my love towards him and promised me marriage thereby taking undue advantage of getting physical with me and not keeping up the promise of marriage. This is rape here in India. I am unable to get sleep at night and spend many hours thinking about this and my other court cases as well. I have been forced to resign by my employer and I am fighting that out as well. I really need to get some sleep and whatever sleep I manage to get is marred with nightmares of the hellish episodes of my life. Please help as to how I can get my peace of mind back. I cannot do meditation because I get a rush of thoughts nor can I practice forgiveness. Please suggest something practical.

    Thanks in advance.

    Anagha

     

    #375913
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anagha:

    I read your recent post and then re-read all your previous posts.

    First, a summary of the recent/ current circumstances of your life: you are a 33 or 34 year old unmarried woman, currently unemployed, living with your parents, brother and sister-in-law in South India. Your family members views you “as an object of shame… a black mark on the family” because you are unmarried at your age, in a society where women get married in their early twenties and where married women are valued and unmarried women are devalued.

    When you reached out for the company of female friends, now married women, they had no time for you, coming up “with excuses saying their husband does not allow, no time, their child needs them etc.”, so you “stopped counting (on) them”.

    Alone and lonely, you made a few male friends through Tinder, chatting with them over the phone. You “go shopping alone.. go to the movies alone.. go roaming alone” and, being good looking and a woman who is roaming alone,  many men approached you for sex, and you proceeded to have sex with them (foreplay “minus the sexual intercourse”).

    History of your mental state and past relationship: you slipped into depression in 2010 while in a relationship with your then boyfriend, “due to work pressure and increased demands for physical pleasure” from him. In 2012, you were diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. In 2013 the relationship with your then boyfriend ended, it was “a very abrupt breakup that happened long-distance”.

    From 2013-2016, you suffered, took medicine and attended counseling, you tried to forgive him but unable (“I am someone who is incapable of forgiving or forgetting”). You found no  “sort of peace with anything”. In 2016 you consulted a lawyer, involved the police and started years-long legal proceedings against your ex-boyfriend, accusing him of cheating, rape and going back on his promise to marry you, demanding that he either marries you or get convicted: “I informed the legal authorities that either he has to marry me or he has to get convicted”.

    You accuse your ex-boyfriend of deriving sexual pleasure from your body while you “never enjoyed and mostly laid like a log”, waiting for him to be done, wishing it was over. This is how you described the experience of passively allowing him to have sex with you (minus the intercourse): “that horror… feel impure.. like shit from the inside.. my blood had become impure… dirty and sinful from the inside…  I have lost my purity and I feel violated and scarred for life. I feel that my boyfriend ruined my life”.

    In your most recent post, you asked me: “Please help as to how I can get my peace of mind back… Please suggest something practical”-

    –  what I can offer you is to try and fit your thinking to reality and  then, a couple of suggestions:

    (1) Almost every woman, if not every single woman, at one time or another, has experienced having been used by a man for his sexual pleasure while not experiencing such pleasure herself. Many of the married women in India, if not all, experience this very experience from time to time, some more often than others. Even within a healthy, loving and respectful relationship, the woman does not enjoy each and every sexual exchange.

    Unfortunately and tragically, millions of women experience this on a regular basis: women who work in the sex industry, women who are forced to work in the sex industry, and otherwise, lonely women so desperate for company, that having their bodies used for a man’s pleasure without experiencing pleasure themselves, feels like a small price to pay for not being alone.

    You are not alone in your experience of having been used by your ex-boyfriend for his sexual pleasure while not experiencing such pleasure yourself. I am sorry that you experienced this repeatedly.

    (2) You are singularly focused on your ex-boyfriend as the one and only cause of all your suffering, but he is not the only cause: your parents did not guide you and left you to deal with the dating world alone, with no preparation and no understanding, and traditional society itself has double standards for men and for women when it comes to dating and sex, and it mistreats unmarried women, including you.

    My suggestions:

    (1) The principle of justice is very important to you and you have focused on seeking justice by taking legal action against your ex-boyfriend. There is much more than you can do in the pursuit of justice: you can become an activist within your society, advocating for the rights of women to say No to men’s sexual advances and to say Stop once a sexual activity has begun. You can advocate for the rights of unmarried women in their late twenties and onward to be treated by society with respect.

    (2) You are lonely and as a social person, you need to socialize: find a way to experience meaningful social interactions with other people that do not involve or include sex. Find a friend, or friends with whom there is absolutely no sexual interaction.

    (3) Because you feel contaminated and dirty, and because you are religious, look for a religious ceremony or practice that is not unhealthy or damaging, for the purpose of reinstating in you the feeling of purity, a feeling you so desperately need.

    anita

    #376039
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I have considered whatever you have said in your previous post and took the initiative of completing my life coaching certification. I practice as a certified life coach now and that is my parallel profession. I did some digital marketing about this and created a website. Now I have few clients, to begin with. Becoming a women’s rights activist is something that I have thought of for a long time and I would definitely consider taking that up seriously. I want you to encourage me on this path. Even if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I will light a match stick and create light in the tunnel.

    Thanks,

    Anagha Sonde

     

     

    #376063
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anagha Sonde:

    I do encourage you on the path of becoming a women’s rights activist, and I am encouraged myself, as a woman who has suffered from mistreatment by men/ society, that you are willing and able “to light a match stick and create light in the tunnel”.

    Anything and everything that you can do, however small in magnitude,  to educate women about their rights as human beings- makes a big difference, Thank you!

    anita

    #386716
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Hope you remember me! I got in touch with a women’s rights activist, Sunanda Prabhakar. After paying her fees, both I and she came up with the idea that even if rape had happened to me, I am not the only one in the world to whom rape has happened. Rape may be gruesome, but the life after rape is even more horrifying. I would like to be the face of rape victims not only in India but all over the world. Since I have been able to battle the trauma with your help and with the help of my psychiatrist and psychologist, I would like to spread awareness about rape and mental health issues associated with it so that it becomes accessible to many victims of rape and other crimes. In this context, Sunanda and I have decided to hold a press conference and come out in the open and speak about it under the guidance of an advocate. Please let me know if this will implicate me.

    — Anagha Sonde

    #386718
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anagha Sonde:

    I am looking forward to read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #386726
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anagha Sonde:

    Yes, of course I remember you, I never forgot you, and your recent post is the best news I heard all day! You are now involved in a very meaningful mission: “to spread awareness about rape and mental health issues associated with it so that it becomes accessible to many victims of rape and other crimes“. In the name of too many women out there who need your help: thank you!

    In this context, Sunanda and I have decided to hold a press conference and come out in the open and speak about it under the guidance of an advocate. Please let me know if this will implicate me“- I think it’s an excellent move, but please tell me: are you worried that such a press conference will negatively implicate you, and if so, in what way/s?

    anita

    #386741
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    See this move of mine has 2 sides – positive and negative. Positively, I may be able to help not only women who get raped, but also men who get raped. I may be of help to victims of criminal atrocities. I will be of great use to society per se.

    But on the negative side, no woman in India has come out in the open and claimed that she was raped and sexually harassed especially after filing a complaint to the police. The “ME TOO” movement in India was not taken in the right spirit. Defamation cases were filed against those who came out in the open and expressed that they were subject to such atrocities. Keeping this in mind, I am prepared to fight the legal battles involved – but this entails a lot of positive as well as negative fame which I am prepared to face. I am just worried if my dad throws me out of the house since he already once told me that I am harming his honor and I am shameless to wash dirty linen in public. And that he is not responsible for me being a beautiful woman who attracts all sorts of attention. But I am prepared for that too. I will stay in paying guest accommodation and help myself out.

     

    #386742
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anagha Sonde:

    my dad… he already once told me that I am harming his honor and I am shameless to wash dirty linen in public“- he should consider the rapist to be the one bringing him shame and harming his honor, not the victim of the rapist. And he should be grateful that his daughter is washing dirty linen so that her linen will be clean, so to speak!

    And because the rapist is not living inside your father’s home, it means that he is in public. The only place to wash the dirty linen then… is in public!

    Defamation cases were filed against those who came out in the open.. I am prepared to fight the legal battles involved… negative fame which I am prepared to face.. if my dad throws me out of the house..  I am prepared for that too. I will stay in paying guest accommodation“– You are prepared to fight possible defamation cases, prepared to face negative fame/ societal disapproval, and you are prepared to move out of your father’s home and live in guest accommodations.

    Without possible negative consequences, it wouldn’t require courage on your part to do what you intend to do. You are a courageous woman and I greatly respect you. The first time I read a bit of your story was a year ago, September 16, 2020. In your first reply to me November 6, 2020, you shared more of your story and you ended that post with: “I feel stuck because of my past and lost with no tangible goal for the future… I need to find my peace and mental balance. Please help.“-

    -I believe that your activism for justice is your way: (1) to no longer feel stuck because of your past, (2) to have and work for a tangible goal for the future, (3) to find and maintain your peace and mental balance, and (4) to help yourself and many other people who need help.

    Again, you are a courageous, principled, good person, thank you!!!

    anita

     

    #387009
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for those sweet words!

    The women’s rights activist, Sunanda Prabhakar, with whom I discussed the above plan with backed out. So I have reported this to the police and she is evading all their calls. So I have come up with another idea. I have completed writing 33% of my autobiography. I shall use only the first name and initials of people so that I do not get entangled in any legal issues. Then as I self-published my first book named “iRomance” [which deals with the procedure of falling in love with yourself] which is about 100 pages and like I had a launch party for it for friends and relatives, this time when I publish my autobiography – I shall include the media as well. Would this be an acceptable idea? Please let me know.

    Regards,

    Anagha Sonde

     

     

    #387011
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anagha Sonde:

    I will reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #387051
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anagha Sonde:

    You are welcome. “The women’s rights activist, Sunanda Prabhakar, with whom I discussed the above plan with backed out. So I have reported this to the police and she is evading all their calls“- I don’t understand: why did you report her to the police.. what crime do you think she committed?

    “I have completed writing 33% of my autobiography. I shall.. self-published my first book named ‘iRomance’.. this time when I publish my autobiography – I shall include the media as well. Would this be an acceptable idea? Please let me know”-

    Before I answer, I have two questions: (1) Will this be the 2nd time that you publish your autobiography? If the answer is yes, what happened with the first publication? (2) Will your autobiography/ iRomance include the rape topic? If the answer is yes, how will you present the topic?

    anita

    #387085
    Anagha Sonde
    Participant

    I don’t understand: why did you report her to the police.. what crime do you think she committed?

    >> Well the police and my lawyer informed me that it is illegal for any 3rd party like this lady Sunanda Prabhakar to intervene in a case esp. a  criminal case that is already subjudiced meaning running in the court. I was told that once the case is running in the court apart from the judge, police and lawyer no one can do anything about it and no one is supposed to do anything about it.. and since she has taken money from me – I was told that it was purely illegal.

    (1) Will this be the 2nd time that you publish your autobiography? If the answer is yes, what happened with the first publication?

    >>My first book called “iRomance” is a self help book that deals with mainly getting out of depression / overcoming suicidal tendencies and falling in love with oneself.

    2) Will your autobiography/ iRomance include the rape topic? If the answer is yes, how will you present the topic?

    >> My second book will also be titled “iRomance” which will include the contents of the first book as well but presented in a different manner. It is a fictional autobiography where I will talking about mysticism, angels, demons and also include the rape story as in I will not directly describe it… I will talk about what was done on me – the good touch and the bad touch… plus a little bit on sex education.

    #387086
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anagha Sonde:

    I didn’t understand earlier that this woman took money from you so to allegedly affect your criminal case against your ex boyfriend to your favor. I thought that  she was an honest activist for women’s rights, part of the me-too movements that you mentioned.

    Writing your second book sounds like a good idea to me: a book where you express your thoughts, your feelings, your values, your experiences, educating wome-, particularly young women- about the difference between “the good touch and the bad touch”- excellent idea!

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 48 total)

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