June 20, 2020 at 8:59 am #359058AnonymousInactive
Ok, so, a bit of background information about this before I get started.
When I was 9, I had touched my little brother while changing his diaper. I felt guilty about this and confessed this to my mom at 13, to which she replied that it was normal and I had nothing to worry about.
Now, the second incident. It happened when I was again 13, just months before the whole confession. I had been masterbating when my now five year old little brother exclaimed that his mouth hurt. So, I did the only thing I could do at that time, dug inside to see what was the problem. Then I remembered where my hands had been shortly before and I quickly took them out. I panicked and quickly washed out his mouth and washed my hands and thought nothing of it, until now. I feel disgusting and ashamed, and the worse part is, I don’t know how to confess this. “Hey mom, when I was 13, I masturbated and then touched inside my five year old brother’s mouth! Hope you understand!” She would completely disown me, regardless if it was an accident or not. My mother is a very clean person and to know that her daughter did this would be inexcusable. She would abandon me, and to be honest, I would not blame her.
I apologized to my brother, (whose oblivious to the whole situation), and have tried to connect with him again. I’m the oldest of five, but yet I’m the one to cause the most harm. I feel as though I don’t deserve my family or their love, but I’m too scared and disgusted to confess. My mother has been the only person consistently there for me, and for me to turn around and do these disgusting actions? She wants me to be upfront and honest with her about everything, but I don’t know if I can confess this to her. It’s bad enough that I have already touched my little brother, but now I have once again hurt him. I feel so dirty and evil, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to commit suicide, but I just can’t bare waking up another day like this. Can someone please tell me what I should do?June 20, 2020 at 9:49 am #359068
Dear Guilt and Cookies:
I suggest that you see a professional psychotherapist/ counselor and bring up the topic of your thread in the professional, private setting of psychotherapy. What troubles is significant enough to require professional assistance, and the sensitive topic itself requires a private setting, not a public setting such as these and other forums.
anitaJune 20, 2020 at 10:05 am #359070AnonymousInactive
I apologize. I’m recieving help soon, and have talked to people in the past, but nothing has made me feel better. To be honest, I don’t even care about feeling better, I just want my sins atoned for. In the mean time of recieving help however, I feel worse and worse each day and don’t know what else to do. I thought maybe recieving some advice from outsiders looking in would help, but it was not my intention to disturb or disgust anyone with this topic. In reality, I just really need some advice, good or bad, criticism or words of encouragement, anything to make me feel sane. I just don’t want this to be pent up in my head anymore. I just wanted it to be out there in some shape or form. Again, I apologize for this, but frankly, other than talking to a therapist(which is not convenient right now) I don’t know what else to do. I love my family and don’t wished to be a burden, so I’m questioning if confessing would do more harm than good. I already know I need help, but I need some advice that I don’t already know. I’ve seen your reply on several other forums, and I really just want to know to do other than receive help.June 20, 2020 at 1:00 pm #359088InkyParticipant
Don’t cofess!! It’s gross and WILL disturb them. There’s no reason for it. Maybe become Catholic so you can go to confession?? It sounds like you want someone to absolve you. Well, that is a spiritually official way of doing it!
InkyJune 22, 2020 at 5:44 am #359156BDCParticipant
Relax! You’re still young , we all get curious ,we all do things we feel bad about….we all make mistakes and this is how we learn.
Your brother is not dead, not harmed…..its ok. I turned my hamster upside down to check him out , his balls and all , creepy AF but he was not harmed, nor scarred and I mean the bugger bit me so hard his teeth hit the bottom of my nail bed and I still had no il will towards him.
You will understand eventually the things you have done are on the cosmic scale of ebadness..mere drips in the ocean and you’ve really done nothing bad at all. Breathe, its fine , the fact you feel bad about these things says a lot about you , you’ve a gold heart if you are so heavily impacted by these minor things as I once was. Don’t beat yourself up XJune 23, 2020 at 7:04 am #359289RaisinParticipant
I too have something I did in the past as a child, that haunts me till this day. At the age of 5 or 6, I cannot remember the specific age, My older brother who is 2 years older than I am, started touching and dry humping me, this went on for a while and changed the trajectory of my life in ways I cannot even explain. Being exposed to sex at sort a young age, the urge and desire to perform sexual acts became something I struggled with and with no guidance and sex education, I would act on impulse to satisfy my urges.
At the age of 8, my cousin who was a little younger than I was and I started doing things we weren’t supposed to be doing. I kind of knew we were wrong, but I just didn’t know how to control my urges.
it continued for a while and then stopped. Everything is blurry, so I don’t quite remember vividly these events. A lot of things went down between some of my playmates who were around the same age as me or a little younger. I remember one time, a female cousin from the U.K, came to visit us, alongside her sister and one day while we were playing, started touching me, and I am ashamed to say this but I liked it. This event also changed my life aswell.
A lot of things went down in my childhood, and growing up in a toxic environment didn’t make things any better. I would have people manipulate me into having sex with them, most time I didn’t agree to them.
These things continued till I was about 12 years old. At that point, I was tired of it all. I was a young child, with so much going on and too many secrets. I didn’t know who to talk to or where to seek help from, I was lost and alone and scared of being judged harshly.
so far I have spoken to one of my cousin who I explored with, and we apologized to ourselves for any harm we might have caused ourselves, but it’s still not enough as there are still two other people I would like to talk to. I feel so terrible and worthless and sometimes feel that I do not deserve happiness.
In my case I recognize the cycle of molestation and try to be kind to my brother because I think he too must have been molested. I try to be kind to myself, but it’s so difficult.
I need any help I could get to make me feel better and worthy of good things. I am not attracted to children and have never been, Infact don’t condone pedophilia, because I know the harms it causes to victims. I want to use my experiences to help other girls/kids that might have gone through the same. I want to ensure that no child has to be traumatized in the ways that I have been, to ensure that they don’t have their innocence stripped at such young ages.June 23, 2020 at 7:26 am #359300
* Dear Raisin: please see my reply to the original poster. I do admire your motivation to “use my experiences to help other girls/ kids that might have gone through the same. I want to ensure that no child has to be traumatized in the ways that I have been, to ensure that they don’t have their innocence stripped at such young ages”. I would like to communicate with you on the topic for the purpose I just quoted and for your own well being, but without discussing any specifics/ details of sexual gestures and acts between minors (non-adults). If you would like to communicate with me, please start your own thread without any specifics/ details of sexual gestures and activities between minors and I will reply to you there.
anitaJune 23, 2020 at 7:39 am #359302PeggyParticipant
Hello Guilt and Cookies,
How are you? It seems to me that you have blown this incident up out of all proportion. It seems that the main issue you have is that you didn’t wash your hands before you inserted them into your brother’s mouth whilst trying to tend to his needs. To suggest that your mother would disown you for such a simple oversight sounds very dramatic to me. You are hurting yourself far more than you ever hurt your brother. I don’t think that confessing this minor incident would serve any useful purpose whatsoever. Please stop focusing on it. Turn your attention instead to all the good deeds you have performed in your short life and forgive and forget this blip. I agree with BDC that we all have experiences that we might be ashamed of later on so just put it down to it being part of growing up and move on from it. Hope that helps.
PeggyJune 23, 2020 at 7:44 am #359303RaisinParticipant
I sure would like to communicate with you, but don’t know how to go about it. I’d appreciate it if you can let me know.
thank you!!June 23, 2020 at 7:50 am #359305AnonymousInactive
Perhaps you are right. My little brother does not even remember the incident and is the same cute annoying bugger that he’s always been. I’ve already decided to dedicate my 15th birthday to him just to make up for it. I’ve talked to my mother about it, and she seemed understanding. She even proposed that I dedicate my birthday to him just to make me feel better. (He eagerly replied that he wanted an Nintendo Switch). It seems that I really was making a spectacular out of this. I’m stilling feeling terrible guilt because of it, but no longer feel the burden of it. He’s not hurt emotionally or physically, and the event seems quite small now. I’m glad that the incident was not intentional, and I’m working to talk to someone about my own personal health outside of this situation. In the meantime, I’ve been trying to be a more fair big sister and grow out of my childish, ignorant behavior. Thank you for replying. Your response has made me feel a lot better and made me realize that it’s not as bad as it could have been.June 23, 2020 at 7:51 am #359307
* Dear Raisin: go to the top of the page, click FORUMS, then choose a Category on the left that fits what you are looking for, example: Emotional Mastery. Click the Category and scroll down the page until you see an empty box for the title of your thread, enter the title there, and the body of your post into the empty bigger box.
anitaJune 23, 2020 at 7:59 am #359311AnonymousInactive
You are right, I’ve grew a lot from the situation. My brother fortunately does not remember the unfortunate events that I put him through and maintains his childlike innocence that I had been fearing had been corrupted because of me. He’s a good little guy, and I’ve been trying to be more fair and patient with him and all my siblings. I have talked with my mother about the whole thing and she understood. She’s seemed a little upset, but ultimately nothing too extreme happened because the situation was a little while ago and hasn’t effected my brother. I’m still a little guilty and hesitant about the whole thing, but overall I’m feeling much better than I was before. Thank you for taking the time to reply such kind words to me. I appreciate your words and opinions about it and it has helped me greatly.
,Guilt and CookiesJune 23, 2020 at 1:09 pm #359351BillParticipant
Your story is more common than you know, especially in the lives and experiences of young and curious and unintentional children. You didn’t intentionally put your fingers in your brother’s mouth and besides it would not have hurt him anyway. So no harm was done other than to your sense of being a good girl. And remember no one is perfect and we’ve all done things we feel embarrassed about – all of us! Welcome to the human race and I think you’re a great person to have mainly because you are so self-aware and responsible. Both are wonderful qualities and you can be proud of yourself. Really! I’m proud of you for your courage to bring such a personal and intimate and embarrassing (to you) confession into the public. That alone is atonement enough and more than most would or could have done under the circumstances. Now if you want to get rid of the guilt you can try this which is very effective. Stop running from the thought /memory of a normal act and unintended action with your brother. When the thought arises – welcome it! Don’t run from it. Remember you did nothing intentionally wrong! Nothing! When you try to run or hide from the memory or painful/embarrassing feeling you simply drive it deeper into your subconscious. And you let it ‘bully’ you when you least expect it. You have nothing to be afraid of! SO when the thought and discomfort arises, simply say calmly out loud or to yourself, “I hear you – I feel you” as though addressing a friend. Do it every time it comes up and it will stop bothering you. Promise! Get on with your wonderful life. You’re too nice and caring a person to waste let this incident ‘wound’ your upbringing. And you don’t need to talk to anyone about it. Use this as your first adult response – and not you’re last… It will be good practice in growing into the wonderful person you are. Believe me, OK?