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Emotional affair (I’ll take as much as advice anyone can give me)

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This topic contains 30 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Valentina 9 hours, 23 minutes ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 31 total)
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  • #300749

    Valentina
    Participant

    Hi everyone I posted a post about my situation on here but I asked to have it removed so I give more details (it is long)

    I have been in an emotional affair with a 39 year old for almost two years. I’m 24. It all started with myself sending a message to the other man on FB. I saw him at work but contacted him when I found a new job. I found him super sexually attractive and i would think of him and fantasize for two years before I started to talk to him. So a total of 4 years that I can’t get him off my mind.

    I’m currently in a relationship of 7 years and so is he. We’re not married. I recently had a child with my fiancée and he just proposed this past weekend to which I said yes to.

    The emotional affair was mind blowing to me. When we exchanged pictures and talked over the phone I felt really happy it was only texting and talking on the phone. We wanted to meet up but I would make excuses because of my weight not to mention I lost over 55lbs during my affair but I’m not over weight I just have trauma of a past relationship where an ex made it all about my weight and left me. So that is why I never met with the other man because I’m afraid of rejection. My fiancée currently knows about the affair and we are trying to work this out. I want to work it out. The thing is yesterday I blocked the other man on face book and his sister so that I won’t be checking on there post and I also blocked him on my phone so that he won’t text me. Because every time I try to let go he texts me and I fall for it. I feel that he is toxic for me because I do more than he does. He acts hot and cold and I know it’s not right to continue with him. So far blocking was the hardest things to do and right now I currently miss him. The reason why I continued the affair was because he made me feel so beautiful and I felt super confident in myself. He would give me advice and it would help me a lot. I love my fiancée it’s just that he doesn’t take me out on dates anymore and I understand we’re parents. But sometimes I wished he tried a little. How in the world do I start to heal from this mess that I’ve been in for almost two years? The other man didn’t even care when I was pregnant with my fiancées child he still wanted to see me and talk with me. He would tell me to make him feel like #1. I can’t forget all the beautiful things he would tell me he even told me once that he would love to have a child with me. He told me he was falling for me but how if we’ve never connected physically?! He would always text me that he misses me and I would ask him how if we haven’t seen each other. He would just say he just does.

    I get a desperate feeling of texting him! He would tell me that he wasn’t going to give up on me but based on the fact that we’re both taken I feel that it’s best to let him go. Is blocking him the right thing to do so that I can avoid messaging him. And the reason why I really blocked him is because he told me I haven’t texted you in a week because I’m just busy but miss you. So the last message I told him was

    “When can you make time to talk over the phone?”

    He didn’t respond and then I realized this guy doesn’t care anymore and then I sent

    “I’m gonna be honest with you, I don’t think you ever been interested in me because you’ve never seen me in person unlike I’ve seen you when I was working at (company name hidden) and ya it’s my loss for not going up to u and maybe that’s why I feel that I can’t let go. But I’m working on letting go. I won’t bug you anymore. If you want to text me in the future you can but at the moment I’m going to back off for awhile. Have a good one.”

    And he didn’t respond and that’s when I blocked him. How am I going to get closure I wanted to end this with closure he didn’t say anything back to message that meant a lot to me.

    I do appreciate the person that posted on my first post (your advice was good to hear).

    #300765

    Mark
    Participant

    Valentina,

    You are asking for closure.  What does closure look like to you?  Your last message to him sounds like you are closing the door.

    You got the last word in to him.  I see that you wanting “closure” from him is really wanting to continue the communication/connection/conversation/relationship to some degree.

    Closure is done.  You have moved on.  You have closed the door to this relationship by blocking him and sending him that final message.

    Mark

    #300767

    Valora
    Participant

    I think that you should just take his non-response as closure. Sometimes that’s all we will ever get from people, and we just need to be okay with that. Then just put your focus into your relationship with your fiance, and maybe also figure out what you were getting from this other guy that maybe you aren’t from your fiance and see if there is a way for your fiance to make you feel that way, too, which should also help your feelings for the other guy fade away.

    #300769

    Valentina
    Participant

    You are right. I believe i wanted him to message me back to continue the connection. But thinking about it now it is a good thing that he did not text back because I finally got what I wanted which is to finally give him my word to let go. So far I’ve been sad because I have no clue how to distract myself when it comes to being alone such as work. It’s hard when I’m at work because I have desk job and when I have nothing to do I get the desperation to message him because that is when we use to message each other. I believe I need to grief first and accept that I have given him my word and that it is finally over.

    #300771

    Valentina
    Participant

    Thank you! I have told my fiancée what the other man would do that he doesn’t do. He use to do those things that the other man did when me and my fiancée were first dating. He’s working on. He has been complimenting me lately and we have talked about going on a date next week while his family watching our child which I do look forward to! I am willing to fall in Love all over again with my fiancée because I know talking to the other man for almost two years was a mistake.

    #300799

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Valentina,

    It’s important not to use words to define something to make it more than it really is. For example, you repeatedly used the word “affair”. It wasn’t an affair. It was just some guy you never saw in person after it started. I wouldn’t even use the word “emotional affair”. YOU were the one with the emotions. Did he? Debatable.

    It would help if you reframe this: You had an admirer and groupie. Some guy texted you a lot. Why wouldn’t he? You’re awesome! This is why you don’t give your number out.

    It’s good you blocked him. You have a family now and have no time for nonsense.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by  Inky.
    #300803

    Valora
    Participant

    So far I’ve been sad because I have no clue how to distract myself when it comes to being alone such as work. It’s hard when I’m at work because I have desk job and when I have nothing to do I get the desperation to message him because that is when we use to message each other. I believe I need to grief first and accept that I have given him my word and that it is finally over.

    I know EXACTLY how you feel there with needing a distraction at work, and maybe this is another reason why you wanted to hold onto your connection with him… it was something to keep you from your boredom. The thing to do here is to just look for other distractions when you need a break, like scrolling through Pinterest or even typing on internet forums like this one (which is basically what I do because I work from home).  I’m sure you will need time to grieve and let the attachment you have to him fade, but that will come with time. I think finding something else that interests you to help distract you when you have down time at work should help, though, too.

    #300827

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Valentina:

    A summary of your story:

    You have been in a relationship since you were 17, seven years going. When you were 20, three years into your relationship, you saw a man (35) at your place of work, he didn’t see you. For two years (20-22), you were “super sexually attracted” to him, thinking and fantasizing about him. At 22, after changing your place of work, you messaged him on Facebook and have communicated with him, texting, exchanging pictures and talking on the phone, for two years. Recently you gave birth to a child with your long term boyfriend, now fiancée.

    In those two years of communicating with him, he “made me feel so beautiful and I felt super confident in myself”, he gave you helpful advice, told you that he was falling for you, that he would love to have a child with you, that he misses you, that he wasn’t going to give up on you, and when you were pregnant with your fiancée’s child, “he still wanted to see me and talk to me”.

    But he was also “hot and cold” at times, and recently, he didn’t respond to a text you sent him asking to talk to him on the phone, and you thought that he “doesn’t care anymore”, that he wasn’t interested in you because he never saw you in person. You texted him two days ago that you are backing and he didn’t respond. You blocked him from your phone so that you will not be tempted to contact him.

    This is my understanding of what happened: you have been self conscious about your weight, and “have trauma of a past relationship where an ex made it all about my weight and left me”. You saw this 35 year old man at the time at work, and he looked super sexy to you, very attractive, someone you would really want to date, but feel not attractive enough to date. He didn’t see you.

    You fantasized about dating him for two years and then you sort of dated him for two years without giving him the opportunity to see you and then reject you.

    I suppose your fiancée is not as hot looking, not as physically desirable to you and you have this desire, or fantasy to be a very sexy woman who  is desired  by a very sexy man, and you want that very sexy man to never give up on you.

    Am I understanding correctly?

    anita

    #300893

    Valentina
    Participant

    Inky,

    You are right it wasn’t really much of an an affair but to my fiancée it was an emotional affair because he thinks I’ve invested in the other man for too long.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by  Valentina.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by  Valentina.
    #300897

    Valentina
    Participant

    Valora,

    Yes I’ve been thinking of ways to distract my self! I do go on Pinterest and one thing that I have found useful is listening to audible books on my head phones when I’m bored! It helps a lot! That’s why I’m so glad I came across this website so that I can express emotions and read quotes..

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by  Valentina.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by  Valentina.
    #300899

    Valentina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes your correct.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by  Valentina.
    #300911

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Valentina;

    I think I understand. I remember when I was young, a teenager, in my early twenties, oh, how I wished to be one of those girls who looked so good, who had that woman bodies boys found so attractive, how I wished I was one of them, having a handsome boyfriend by my side. I fantasized a lot, having love stories in my mind, with handsome men. Everything was so easy when imagining, so different from the loneliness of real life.

    Do you relate to what I just shared?

    anita

    #300913

    Valentina
    Participant

    Anita,

    yes I can definitely relate. I do find my own self attractive it’s just I’m not happy with my body type like I once had when I was a teen. Any maybe that is why I was talking to an attractive man because I believe it was more of an ego that I wanted to fill for myself. My mother did tell me that my own happiness is my own responsibility and to not rely it on a man or any person. So I’m currently still going to the gym and eating healthier because that altleast makes me feel much better about my body.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by  Valentina.
    #300919

    Valentina
    Participant

    How can I control my fantasies for that man?

    #300925

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Valentina:

    “How can I control my fantasies for that man?”- maybe you don’t have to control your fantasies, but instead, make these fantasies come true with your fiancée- any chance of that being possible?

    anita

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