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Emotional affair (I’ll take as much as advice anyone can give me)

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This topic contains 30 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Valentina 14 hours, 55 minutes ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 31 total)
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  • #300961

    Valora
    Participant

    I think your fantasies for him will go away over time, especially as you begin to feel better about your body, and hopefully your fiance will be able to fill that role for you too. I think it’s very insightful that you recognized it was likely due to the ego boost he gave you. I’d maybe read up on the ego and how listening to that can affect us. If you can learn to not feel a need to feed that side of you, that should help with the fantasies as well because your ego won’t need that boost that that guy gave you anymore. They may not go away immediately, but they most definitely should over time.

    #301081

    Valentina
    Participant

    Anita,

    that is possible and it never came into my mind of doing that! And it makes me incredibly happy to think that when I do fantasize I can make it come true with my fiancée! Thank you for that!!

    #301091

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Valentina. I hope that you continue to post. I would like to read more from you.

    anita

    #301229

    Valentina
    Participant

    Valora,

    So far it’s been 4 days since the other man and I haven’t texted. I honestly feel so much peace within my self. My fiancée is also happy that I’ve decided to cut ties with the other man. There is times that I do fantasize about what ifs but I do allow myself to fantasize and then I immediately find a way to distract myself. Yesterday I had a fantasy of the other man and I told my fiancée that we should do what I was thinking together and it was great because I fulfilled my self by my fiancée agreeing. I will read more about the ego so that I can understand it more.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by  Valentina.
    #301251

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Valentina:

    It is better that you don’t tell your fiancé anymore about having fantasies regarding another man. You can tell him about a particular fantasy and suggest to materialize that fantasy with him, that would  be better.

    Fantasy is always easier than real life because it is easy to imagine, to fantasize, we don’t have to worry, in our fantasy, about being overweight or not looking quite as good as we would like. We can imagine anything and it is so  easy and pleasurable.

    In real life, be it with that man or with your fiancé, it is difficult, as there are worries you don’t have to deal with in fantasy, worries about looks and rejection.

    I hope that you experience more trust in your fiancé to accept your body as it is, trust in him enjoying you as you  are and I hope you adopt somehow an attitude of being carefree when you are physically intimate with him, free to give in to that passion in you, a passion that needs to be materialized, or actualized.

    anita

    #301881

    Valentina
    Participant

    Anita,

    you are right. I didn’t tell him that I was fantasizing about the other man but I did tell him I had a fantasy and he asked what is it so I only told him “I’ll physically show you”. He didn’t know I was thinking of the other man. It’s been a week since I haven’t talked with the other man and I’ve been sad at times for instance when I’m driving home listening to music I get emotional. Today at work I felt the need to tell a co worker about how I had texted a man other than my fiancée before and my co worker didn’t help at all. He actually said why don’t you send him a text right now so that you won’t feel this way, and I told him no I’m stronger than that. My fiancée loves my body the way it is he tells me that everyday I’m trying so hard to accept and love myself as I am and I willing to fall in Love all over again with my fiancée. Honestly with my fiancée I am so comfortable in not hiding who I am. I just tend to get carried away at times wanting to feel attractive about my looks  by another man but I have came to a reality that is just a fantasy and it’s ok to think that way. But I will no longer let fantasies take up my whole day.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  Valentina.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  Valentina.
    #301915

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Valentina:

    Good job, telling your fiancé about your fantasy, even better, showing him, but not telling him that another man was in your fantasy-

    – no reason to hurt his feelings this way.

    Your co worker who suggested you text the other man so that you feel better, he only thought about the quickest way for you to feel better, not considering the long term consequences, which are how badly you will feel about it later, soon after you send that text, feeling weak for texting him.

    This is why you told the co worker “no I’m stronger than that”- it feels good to be strong (and not text the other man/ being loyal to your fiancé and father of your child) and bad to be weak (and text the  other man, betraying your fiancé).

    You wrote that you feel comfortable, physically, with your fiancé who likes your body just the way it is. If your fiancé is a good man otherwise, and a good father to your child, do all you can to be good to him, loyal, affectionate, respectful. Regarding the other man, the fantasy about him was about being considered physically very attractive by a physically very attractive man, being one of the … super attractive, super sexy people.

    But you are super attractive and super sexy, it is in you, this is why you fantasized for so long about this very thing. Share that super attractive, super sexy you… with your fiancé.

    anita

    #302461

    Valentina
    Participant

    Anita,

    You honestly made me smile. Yes I no longer want to hurt my fiancée and I want to be happy with him and our child. And now I feel I shouldn’t have told my co worker about my situation because he tells me every time I see him “so have you gave in yet?” And I told him  “No stop asking me please because that is the past” and so far today my co worker did not bring it up. Which I’m glad because all the other times I gave in and texted him in the past and would tell myself no more but then I would fall for it would just give me a deep wound emotionally that was hard to recover from. So far tomorrow it will be 2 weeks that I haven’t texted with the other man and I have been having these vivid dreams of him looking for me and me hiding from him and he found me in my dream and he said he likes me. I also had another dream a few days ago and he said he misses me and touched my arm and I looked in his eyes and said I missed him too and we hugged.. and when I woke up I realized that it’s just something that I would have wanted to hear from him so that’s why I probably had dreams of him. It’s me not him. My fiancée is a good man and father the reason why I fell in love with him from the time we met was because he was so funny and had an amazing appetite with the same foods I love! Thank you for that because I do know deep down that I am attractive and I will grow into that woman and share it with my fiancée. I also take the time to help him look good, the other day I helped him with his beard to trim it the way I think would look good on him and encouraged him to get a hair cut he also mentioned he wanted to eat healthier! I have also been trying to stay busy when I get the urge to text the other man. I have joined a group of fitness woman and that is helping me a lot! I also read a lot and I have been looking into doing online schooling for a degree!! Honestly coming to this website and talking about my situation was the best thing ever!! I had this knot inside of me for almost 4 years not wanting to talk about the other man because he would tell me to never tell anyone about him!

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Valentina.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Valentina.
    #302471

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Valentina:

    I am so glad to read your post this evening (my time)- what an uplifting post!

    All the good things in it: tomorrow being two weeks of you not texting that man, you realizing that you are attractive (“I do know deep down that I am attractive”), joining a woman fitness group, your fiancé (and you, I hope) considering eating healthier, you considering online schooling and realizing that you do have a good man, your future husband and father of your child.

    You brought a smile to my face,  thank you for that! And do post anytime- I will be glad to read from you and reply every time you post.

    anita

    #303213

    Valentina
    Participant

    Anita, thank you!

    so yesterday the other man texted me at 11am. The reason why I knew it was him because he would always use a “secret sentence” when he wanted to talk he texted me from a different number saying “just saying hi.” Honestly I felt this dropping feeling in my stomach like when you ride in a roller coaster but because I couldn’t believe he texted me. I wanted to text back so bad but instead I decided to get busy. Ever since he texted I have been thinking about him whether I should respond or not. I feel maybe he would like to tell me something or maybe he wants to see if he still has me attached to him. Either one I’ve been confused as of yesterday morning.

    #303221

    Mark
    Participant

    Valentina

    Why are you not blocking him?

    Mark

    #303223

    Valentina
    Participant

    Mark,

     

    I did block him over 2 weeks ago on his cellphone number that I had saved on my phone that is the phone he would use daily. I’m thinking he must’ve knew I blocked him on social media and on his main form of contact. And so he messaged me from a different phone number that I’m not familiar with. I’m thinking to block it because I have been thinking of him a lot today. I have been doing fine without him! And I’m happy with my self.. I don’t understand why this happens all the time I want to move on.. it’s like he some how tries to make his way back.

    • This reply was modified 2 days, 12 hours ago by  Valentina.
    • This reply was modified 2 days, 12 hours ago by  Valentina.
    • This reply was modified 2 days, 12 hours ago by  Valentina.
    #303231

    Valentina
    Participant

    Honestly if I was really happy about how my body looks I’ve probably would’ve met up with him in person along time ago because he would always say he will be patient and he wanted to meet up with me. but I don’t want to because I’m happy with my fiancée and the reason for that is because he loves me just the way I am and look there’s nothing in the world that makes me so happy and comfortable with my self. And I just can’t imagine meeting up with the other man and me worrying about what he thinks of my body, etc.. like I mentioned once when I use to go on dates before I met my fiancée I would worry about what other men thought of me. Even though the other man did say he would never judge me. But I just feel that it could be lies. I’ve seriously been thinking of this on and off throughout the day.

    • This reply was modified 2 days, 12 hours ago by  Valentina.
    • This reply was modified 2 days, 12 hours ago by  Valentina.
    #303345

    hello there
    Participant

    Dear Valentina

    What Anita has said!

    BW

    Rosalind

     

    #303359

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Valentina:

    I just read the recent development, him texting you two days ago, July 13. You are emotionally invested in the idea or the image of this attractive, sexy looking man finding you to be equally attractive and sexy, as if he can place a “sexy body” stamp on you.

    I guess you feel comfortable with your fiancé but the idea of feeling sexy feels… way better than feeling comfortable.

    If you meet him and have sex with him, what will that do to your relationship with your fiancé; do you think that you  will feel guilty, will you tell your fiancé about it, and if you did, how do you think your fiancé will feel?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 31 total)

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