April 7, 2020 at 7:31 am #348088Full_of_paradoxesParticipant
Hi,, everyone! I hope you are all doing well and are safe and healthy.
I am a student currently in isolation at home with my parents. Our family situation is tense and I am very stressed. Usually I’m in a different city during the week when I’m at uni, but now I’ve been home for almost a month. I love my home, but my dad is a very, very difficult person. I’ll say it this way: he is a good dad but a terrible husband. I cannot stand anymore seeing my mum suffer. He has episodes every few moths where he starts to fight for no reason and somehow portrays himself as the victim. He’s been doing this for as long as I can remember. He is a textbook narcissist, but he has low self-esteem: he does and says stupid sh*t, but when a neighbour or someone else does it he talks about them as if they are not normal. He will look for something to fight about with my mom. My mum is the most patient person ever. In my entire life, I have never heard her curse or yell or insult anyone. My dad, on the other hand, is the king of insults. She cooks for him, helps him outside, takes care of his medication (he has several health conditions), prepares clothes for him, etc. Nothing she does is ever good for him. If she ever stands up for herself he start threatening that he will kill her and then kill himself, sometimes he even threatens to kill us (their children). My siblings have moved away and have their own families, but I’m the youngest. His behaviour throughout my life has affected me deeply – I’m scared of men, I have never had a boyfriend, I’m scared everytime I leave my home that I’ll come back and something terrible has happened or will happen. He is extremely unpredictable and rages for the tiniest thing. If lunch is not cookes on time, he’ll yell and threaten and insult my mum. No one outside our family knows what he is really like. He pretends to be the kindest, most generous person around. If something happened, no one would believe he’s capable of doing anything bad. He also has friends at the police so they would help him and not us. He shows his love through money and think that if he gives his children money everything is forgiven. He buys himself things like expensive cars, machines, newspaper subscriptions, etc., but my mum is not allowed to spend anything on herself. I can’t take it any longer….I can’t watch my mum suffer so much. She tells me not to worry, that she’s used to it, but I can see that it has been ruining her life for the past almost 40 years. When my dad wants to get what he wants after his episode, for example, use my mum to help him with something difficult, he gradually starts to talk to her normally again. And she always forgives him. I know she is sacrificing her life, her freedom, her happines for us, her children, because she is scared that he really will do something terrible if she leaves him. My dad cares a lot about his reputation. He said he would rather kill us all and himself than let her get a divorce. I know there is not much you can do or say to help me, but I just needed to get this out. I have no one to tell this to..April 7, 2020 at 8:17 am #348094anitaParticipant
Your father is a bad man, but he is unlikely to physically injure or kill your mother or you, or anyone, because he cares too much about what people outside the family think about him. If your mother or any of his (now all adult) children show visible evidence of abuse, he will look bad in the eyes of people, and he doesn’t want that! (“He pretends to be the kindest, most generous person around…My dad cares a lot about his reputation”).
“He said he would rather kill us all and himself than let her get a divorce”- that is just a threat meant to keep his abused wife from leaving him. I think that he cares too much about what people will think of him if he killed his family, that he cares too much for his pleasure (buying expensive cares for himself, etc.) to end up in prison, and that he cares too much for his own life to kill himself.
He is a bully, puffing and huffing, trying to scare his wife and you into submission. I think that your mother is very safe from any danger that he will kill her, even if she left him.
“she always forgives him. I know she is sacrificing her life, her freedom, her happiness for us, her children, because she is scared that he really will do something terrible if she leaves him”-
-you are the youngest, and before the pandemic you lived away from home during the week. Your older siblings live on their own. I imagine that your mother knows that he is only huffing and puffing and will not go to his adult children’s homes to kill them, or that he will kill you when you visit in the weekends (pre-pandemic). I think that she stays with him because she’s used to him and to her life as it is, just like she told you (“She tells me not to worry, that she’s used to it”.)
Even if you didn’t live with your parents, even if you too, like your siblings, had your own home- your mother would still live with your father and behave with him in the same ways she has behaved with him for decades. In other words, I don’t think that she is sacrificing her freedom and happiness for you and your siblings, now all adults. I think that it is easier for her to stay with him, than it is for her to leave him.
What do you think about what I wrote here?
- This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.