Emotional chaos: scared of moving on

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    I am at a turning point in my life.

    The short story

    I am being given the chance to relocate to another country for my job. However, this comes on the back of (a) the breakup of my long-term, long-distance relationship (I found him cheating and he said he ‘didn’t feel the same way anymore’ when I asked for answers… and I cut off all contact with him a month ago) (b) the loss of a parent (c) the realisation that my other colleagues were given better options because I wasn’t assertive enough about wanting to go to London, where the man I loved was. I’m so confused as to what should I do. Should I try to reconcile with this person? I miss him terribly, even though he cheated. Should I give up the chance to relocate (and wait another year to be deployed elsewhere)? Should I take a couple of months off and go to London and try to make things work with him?

    The long story and context

    I confess that the main source of pain and confusion is that I’m still trying to come to terms with what happened with my SO. Our history is thus:

    – Girl and boy meet in 2011  at uni, fall in love intensely, but girl has to return home after visa expiry.
    – Girl and boy do LDR, but because they are unemployed and haven’t figured out who they are, fight all the time. Girl goes to meet boy a couple of times a year.
    – Boy announces in early 2014 that he has a girlfriend… Girl (me) is devastated but there isn’t much she can do so she cuts off all contacts, makes some major life changes, and feels better… although she maintains a tiny hope that ‘what is meant to be will be’.
    – In Fall 2014, girl returns to London for masters; starts dating another guy and thinks she is ok so reaches out to the boy… falls for him and has sex the same day.
    – Boy and girl start dating, fall in love again, intensively, become ‘the couple’ reference among friends, girl meets boys’ parents and friends.
    – In Jan 2016, girl has to return home because of visa expiry but boy and girl keep up LDR. Girl visits boy as often as she can and supports him during his PhD. Meanwhile girl loses her parents (which delays the process of finding jobs to return to London) becomes depressed, but tries to organise happy trips nonetheless and support him.
    – In 2017, girl finds out that her current job will not be relocating her to London but elsewhere; boy is still uncertain about long-term commitment; girl is unable to raise the concern about the impact of her job on her relationship with her HR manager.
    – Two months ago, girl and boy go on highly anticipated trip (very costly to the girl). Boy is distant but still introduces her to friends. And then girl discovers sexts and explicit messages on his phone on the last day of the trip. Turns out they are from his ex (of 2014)… who didn’t do sh** for him when he was struggling in 2014 but reappeared once he finished his PhD and found a job. They started talking since Christmas and started flirting and sexting in earnest since June 2017.
    – Of course, I was devastated. Boy says things like ‘I do not love her yet‘ and that she made him laugh, he didn’t see a future together etc etc. I felt completely blindsided. If he had issues he should have worked together with me to address them… not gone running to her. Or set boundaries/ been honest. I also couldn’t understand how he was attracted to her when it was I who stood by him during difficult times – at moments even putting my own grief at my parent’s passing aside.
    – We nevertheless agreed to give it a go again and fix things, although he blew hot and cold a couple of times, but promised not to speak with his ex again. We decided to take a couple of weeks break to calm ourselves down.. but when it was time to resume talking he confessed he had been speaking to her again and even gone to see her where she lives. That’s when I cut off all contact with him. Since then, he only messaged me a one-line for my birthday (which was the next week after the last phone call) and mindlessly I messaged him to ask him how he was (and then chickened out when he replied).

    I have major regrets:

    (a) that I didn’t handle the situation better or wasn’t good enough;
    (b) that I wasn’t more assertive at work; a relocation to London or close by would have been possible but I missed the chance and now the only option I have is to go somewhere that’s a 7 hour flight away.

    I don’t know what to do.

    • Should I try to speak with him to attempt a reconciliation?
    • Should I move to London for a couple of months (with limited funds mind you) to try to work on the project I have in the sideline?
    • Should I just go to this godforsaken country and see what happens there (and even quit if necessary after a few months)?

    Sorry for such a long post but I feel sincerely confused and depressed. Ive started seeing a therapist. I’ve lost appetite for life and it doesn’t seem like I can be happy as a result of everything that’s been going on. I am in my 30s and this was my first long-term relationship – I worry I’m too far gone to be happy / loved again.



    Dear DM:

    I replied to your previous thread, only four days ago. So did other members, but you didn’t get back to me or to your other respondents. Did you read the replies and did those help you at all?


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