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feeling bad for saying no

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  • #115869
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    hi everyone,

    long time no see.

    i know it’s not selfish to say no, but how do you get the knot out of your stomach after doing so? long story short, today is a special day for me, and i’ve been looking forward to it for a while. i’ve worked 6 long shifts in a row, and as luck would have it, i got the day off i was hoping for [todays a religious holiday for me, but i don’t like booking the days off in case people ask] so i have a ton of plans today based around getting my home ready for tonights dinner. about 15 minutes ago my co-worker called and she sounded terrible, and asked if i could take her shift [which if it was a 4 hour shift i’d be fine, but it’s 7:30-5] this is the first time i’ve said no to covering a shift for anyone, and now i feel like crap because technically my plans aren’t that important, so it means i won’t spend the day cooking and cleaning, and dinner would be held a few hours later, and i might miss my religious gathering, but on the other hand it’s what i want to do, i go back to work tomorrow to work a 9 hour shift.i keep telling myself it’s not selfish to say no once, but there’s this other part of my brain guilting me because my plans aren’t earth changing, so i shouldn’t be so mean to a sick co-worker.

    anyway, any advice would be appreciated, but specifically, how do you get over that guilt from saying no for once?

    thanks everyone!

    #115873
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Nekoshema,

    It sounds like you don’t often say “No”, and the other person/people feel comfortable for asking you.

    Just say you’d love to but you have already have plans, then ask if you could cover for them if they want a day to do errands, etc.

    I know what you mean, btw ~ I celebrate/d The Wheel of the Year Holidays (Solstice, Equinox, etc.) but the rest of the world doesn’t get it, and it is considered optional or fringy. I just say “I’m busy” which I am. Or the truth: “I’m having people over/I have to clean.”

    The knot of guilt? Think of it this way: This is important to you, and that’s eight friggin’ days out of the year that you are taking time for YOU and your thing! And everyone has “A Thing”.

    The best part? Once you say “No” once to someone they are more unlikely to ask you to do something a second time.

    Best,

    Inky

    #115874
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    thanks, i’ve kind of gone into super cleaning mode in the past hour so i can tell myself ‘see? i’m super busy, so i shouldn’t feel bad.’ [its a habit i got from my mother lol] happy Mabon to you Inky [unless you’re in the south, so Ostara in that case i think]

    #115909
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nekoshema:

    You asked: “how do you get over that guilt from saying no for once?”

    Scientifically speaking, saying no is connected in your brain with the feeling of guilt. It is the same kind of connection as in seeing a cake and feeling hunger for it (and starting to salivate). It is an automatic reaction.

    So, once you understand that neural connection was made between Saying-no and feeling-guilty, you also know that the feeling of guilt does not mean that you are doing something wrong by saying no. You notice the automatic response and see it as automatic. You can talk sense to yourself and say something like: I feel guilty but I am not guilty. I am important. Etc.

    anita

    #115984
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    interesting, i’ll try that next time, thanks!

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