Going back to live with ex, advice

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 8 months, 2 weeks ago.

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    Hello everyone, thank you for reading this post, any advice would be good.

    Long story short: 7 years of relationship, 2 years married. We married and moved to another country, we rented an empty flat and made our space. She's 32, I'm 28. We left everything back home to start a new life, but things didn't go to well. On december she said that needed a -change- regarding the relationship because she wasn't happy. I was devastated and a journey began for me. I left our flat, because I wanted to give her space and time to think about everything and be sure she wasn't confused or anything. We continued talking but not seeing each other (only 3 times in 2 months).

    We feel both lonely, since family and friends are not with us. And also we are going through a financial crisis which leads to this post.  Since the moment we -broke up- and the moment I left the house only 1 week passed (cause I was eager to give her space to reconsider everything). During this time and the abrupt situation (being alone in a foreign country, separated from the person that I love and with a broken heart) I found myself fighting with depression that's affecting my professional life as well. I won't get in details, but it's been the hardest situation I've been through.

    She proposed to live together again, not as a couple but as friends. To support each other financially and in life in general. She always though that my decision on leaving was a rushed one and she proposed the same thing back in the beginning.

    Her situation is different as mine (I feel we can rebuild the relationship, but she's just not interested). And I'm in the middle of a process accepting what's happening and moving on (haven't done it yet).

    I was wondering if anyone has been a similar situation, and if its a good idea to go back to this place together instead of selling everything we share and move on. Did I skipped natural transition of the ending of a relationship when I moved out so fast? I'm afraid of loosing all this time that's taking me to get over her, if I move there again. It would help me financially, and she's been supporting me all this time, but I don't know if its better for me to just continue alone. We are best friends as well, but the situation is complicated.

    Any advice or question would be appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

    Thank you all,






    Dear Charles:

    You wrote it: her situation is different from yours. She is okay with the lover relationship being over. She is okay with being friends and roommates. But you are not. You are interested in rebuilding a lovers relationship with her; she is not.

    What that means, if it is so, is that you are in pain, heartbroken and she is not. And so, living together as friends and roommates, for financial support and for some friendly company in a foreign land will suit her but it will not suit you.

    Because the two of you are in two different states of mind regarding the broken relationship, your individual needs are different. You can both use the financial discount of living together, but the emotional pain and distress it will produce for you will harm you emotionally and professionally and so it will not even make financial sense for you to move in with her.

    I vote for NO going back to live with ex.




    C you are not alone. It is currently happening to me with a few differences – my husband got involved with someone else, and we've been married 30+ years. Other than that…many similarities – overseas, far from family, financially dependent (me)… He decided to end it with her and stay with his marriage, but he hasn't been able to give up thinking about the connection he had with her and recently reinitiated contact with her. I lost 16 lbs in a month and took the whole thing very hard. We agreed that we'd rent the apartment for two months and go traveling. I went to stay with my daughter for a month in another country, and now I'm staying in yet a different country with my other daughter. He went his way. We are still away in different parts of the world.

    Shortly, I will have to decide whether I'm going back to live with someone who's emotionally uncommitted but with whom there's decades of history and a level of comfort (for him – he has a wife, history, someone who cooks for him and keeps him company – a comfortable ‘companion with benefits' Me, a level of comfort also – he's strong and decisive and I'm not so much).

    He ‘likes' me and he felt guilty, so he ‘did the right thing', but emotionally he's not there. So what do we really have? It doesn't sound good to me – at the same time, I do not want to be thinking about having to support myself and consider my retirement future at this stage in my life which is what he says he wants also. We are in communication every other day or so as he reports quickly on his trip and I do a little on mine and we exchange emails about our situation.

    What I feel is I need to find my dreams again – something that lights a spark in me and then find the courage to pursue it against all odds – to make a plan, goals and stick to them. When and if he decides what he wants (me or her) and commits to one, then I hopefully will have something of my own and I can decide whether I want to go back, or know even if that's an option.

    Basically, being away has been the most helpful thing as this situation completely consumed almost all of the real estate in my head and heart and I couldn't think past it. There is no way I think I could have dealt staying there, consumed by my thoughts, emotions – positive and negative. It's only by getting out and away that I can gain even a small bit of peace and independent thought, and I expect that to grow. It's just that it's going to take time – and it's going to be a lot longer than I hoped.

    I have an opportunity to re-invent myself now – and that's something I look at with very mixed emotions, yet the only way out I see (for myself) is to try and be a model or inspiration to my daughters, which prevents me from being an asshole and accepting something less than what I imagine I deserve.

    So, hard as it is. Don't go back to someone who doesn't want you. There's nothing but a black hole vortex of pain there. Find a dream and let's be courageous…one tiny step at a time.



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