Goodbye πŸ‘‹

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    I used to have habits of verbal abuse that I picked up as a result of abuse. These are the things I learned that helped me move past my issues.

    1) Understand the origins of the habit. We all learn these things from somewhere.

    2) Acknowledge the habits in full, each time and apologise for them.

    I am sorry for (insert habit that hurt someone Β here). This involves empathising with and validating their experience.

    3) Understand that by ceasing the habit the issue is resolved.

    4) Develop assertive communication skills

    Particularly focusing on resolving conflict, setting boundaries, accepting criticism and how to give a good apology. Skillsyouneed is an amazing resource.

    5) Learn about various forms of verbal abuse and emotional abuse. This helps identify habits to change.

    6) Understand that self-abuse is part of the cycle and commit to ceasing that behaviour.

    7) Empathise with the people that issues are experienced with.

    Understand and validate their perspective.

    8) Understand that there are emotional triggers behind habits.

    Thoughts are often maladaptive when feeling triggered.

    9) Realistically, evaluate the nature of the individuals involved.

    Compare normal interactions with conflicts. If the two aren’t congruent then triggers are active. It is important to remember the nature of the individual when triggers are active.

    10) Focus on what the individual means to you.

    Ultimately, habits that harm others change more effectively when an emotional connection is involved. It is much easier to change a habit when you care about not harming the person.


    Dear Helcat,

    is this your goodbye from the forums? I hope not, I would regret you leaving!

    I know that there are some issues between you and anita, and I understand a part of where you are coming from. However, whatever the conflict and misunderstanding with one member of the forum, it doesn’t mean you need to leave.

    I for one value your contributions and it would be a pity if you left. Other members have also expressed their appreciation, so please have that in mind. Even anita said that she values your contributions (many of your replies OPs are excellent, so I am interested in your continuous participation on tiny buddha.).

    I understand and share your concern about people sometimes being treated harshly. One of the instances I noticed was Stargazer24, where I feel anita should have apologized to the member instead of simply saying something along the lines of “I made a mistake, we are all humans and make mistakes, no big deal.” Apology is an important part of the interaction, because it says that we are aware that we have hurt, or might have hurt the other person.

    Having said that, I appreciate anita’s honest sharing about how she used to berate herself for making a mistake, whereas now she can forgive herself and move on. So I see how she is being kind to herself and doesn’t berate herself for making a mistake. Which is super important! I also see how sometimes she could be kinder to some of the members.

    In any case, I hope you will stay, Helcat, so we can all benefit from your sharing!


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