March 1, 2018 at 1:13 pm #195529
That’s the thing here. He’s genuinely a kind soul and I can see he is trying. Things like deadbolting the door when he leaves, although trivial to some, is a big deal to me. It shows me that he has not forgotten how frustrating this is. It’s an issue, because if one of our dogs got out, and God forbid got hit by a car, I would not be okay. When he moved in, I allowed his dog to move in too. Fortunately, both pups get along well, only difference is my dog is a short hair (doesn’t shed much) his is a long haired major shedder. My only request prior to moving in with him (his dog was actually living with his parents for the past few years while he was going to school) was that he promised daily brushings and to have him groomed.
I LOVE dogs, but I’m not used to long haired dogs, he’s such an angel, but he literally emits hair no matter what. I’m talking tumbleweed each day. Ha! John doesn’t do the DAILY things like I’ve asked, but he does a pretty good job, so I’m not critical. I pick up where he leaves off. I also understand he can’t afford to have him groomed as much as I’d like, but, it’s also his responsibility.
Analysis paralysis, I’ve never actually heard of that, but it totally makes sense. I’d identify with that considering I’ve been feeling this way since the end of November fully. I know I’ve been “trapped” mentally, but it’s the action item as in what the hell do I do about it, that makes me hard on myself. I will read the article you provided, thank you for sending it along!
Thank you for your response!
March 2, 2018 at 5:22 am #195603
- Yes and no. I get overwhelmed when things DO happen, but when they don’t, I tell myself I’m being too critical, which, I sometimes feel like I can be. I saw a counselor because I was hoping they could provide insight. Funny how I’ve never seen a counselor over my fathers death or my family dysfunction, but by golly, bring a boyfriend into the mix, and I’m checking my options, ha! The counselor is a free service through work which is nice, and I have two more sessions if I wish to utilize them for the year. My counselor was shocked on some of the careless actions he has taken non-maliciously but she agrees it’s the ADHD and he needs to slow down.
- The good news is he does pay me his half of things. I have rode off a few things here and there because I know he’s picking himself back off of his feet since he chose to go back to school to get another degree because he didn’t like his factory job. I admired his willingness to better himself with education. I have not however cut him slack on the mortgage, I have him pay half of what I pay and then add another flat $100 for water, electricity, and internet. We split groceries, but again, I make sure to sometimes cut him slack if he picked us up dinner or something like that.
- I had mentioned my toxic ex-boyfriend in the mix, but the only toxicity I have had to deal with is his twin brother and his fiancé. I get along with mostly everyone else in his family, but I have not had much of a relationship with his mother since we started dating. I’ve offered to take her to lunch but she’s too busy. John, his mom, dad, and Idid go on a weekend getaway in Minnesota to a concert a few months ago, and his mother did make a comment in front of me (I tend to be super observant with this stuff) and said I'd like to see my son more than once a month…he's 30. They live about 2 hours away. Aside from that, I haven’t gotten to know her much. I think the time and energy there is invested in his brothers stay at home fiancé and the children.
Your ex boyfriend Dave verbally abused you and broke your things and didn't repair them. He flooded part of your house and blamed you for these things, claiming it was your fault because you nagged him a lot.
The fact that Dave didn't repair what he broke tells me he didn't take responsibility for breaking your things. Your current boyfriend, John, unlike Dave, never abused you, never blamed you for his inattentiveness (which is, like you wrote, not malicious) and he takes responsibility for his inattentiveness.
Dave's family was dysfunctional and some of John's family is “a dramatic mess”. You expressed some sensitivity to comments made by both about you taking their son away from them. I wonder about that sensitivity, that is, what is being triggered by these accusations/ comments.
You also mentioned that your own family was or is dysfunctional.
You learned from the relationship with Dave that “you literally can't please everybody” and that “some people just WON'T like you”- I agree.
I also agree with your conclusion that you don't share with your mother things that are likely to make her anxious, especially regarding John's inattentiveness. What a mother says to her daughter (at any age) is most often very powerful in the daughter's mind. So I would think it is better you get the least amount of input by her, so that you can form your own, independent choices. It is enough that you have to deal with your own anxiety, not need for hers as well.
Mentioning anxiety, John is anxious as well: “He did say he's afraid that he can't ever make mistakes because he's made a lot of mistakes throughout his life on simple things”-
* Note: if his mistakes are indeed dangerous to your safety, do whatever needs to be done to be safe.
Back to John's anxiety- pointing his mistakes to him unnecessarily only increases his anxiety. With increased anxiety he is likely to make more mistakes, not less.
anitaMarch 2, 2018 at 6:46 am #195619
I agree completely. Last week when he was preparing us dinner and also prepping our lunches, he left the burner on the stove. I wasn't in the kitchen to notice, so we both sat down in the living room and I can't recall how much time went by, but we went into the kitchen and I noticed the burner unattended on low (flame on, I have a gas oven…) I pointed to the burner and said the burner is on. I didn't freak out or get mad, just made a statement and I could tell he felt defeated. Since I knew this, I kissed him on the cheek.
It sure has been an interesting ride in this relationship and trying to lessen the amount I worry and stress out over things. I just feel super tired all of the time. When I was single for a couple of months after getting out of my relationship with Dave, I felt brand new. I was working out about 6 days a week and doing more things I normally wouldn't have when I felt clouded in a relationship. Obviously, I was leaving a toxic situation so I was much happier. This situation with John would feel quite odd leaving in the sense that we would leave on really good terms and both loving each other. I even had a conversation with him on “what if” we broke up, could we still be friends. That's the anxiety talking, always fearing all of these things. Mind you, I've never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety nor has he. I combat my anxious mind with exercise. I've been in a stand still trying to find a local gym I enjoy, so that's part of the problem too.
I'm glad I'm finally realizing I shouldn't be reaching out to my mom as much, I stopped doing that about a month or so ago, because she tells me I deserve better, etc. she is in a not so perfect relationship. He is a good guy, but they have terrible communication issues and she's always reaching out to me about how she's frustrated with him and how they get into these really stupid fights. Not physical, but verbal. This has been going on for four years now. I asked for her honest opinion on him and she told me she didn't think “he was the one.” I think it's because shes' so worried about the things I told her.
Also, when he was off work and looking for jobs he asked me to make him a to-do list. I asked if he wanted to paint the interior of the house (just a few rooms) and he said he'd love to. I bought all of the material for the project and he ended up painting over all of the nails/tumbtacks where my decorations were hung instead of removing them prior to painting. Although he put painters tape up, he did manage to get some of the color on my ceiling, but, I didn't get mad because A) I know I wasn't paying him to do it B) I didn't ask him to remove the nails/tacks. I did however think that was common knowledge…it seemed really sloppy and even more confusing to me is he worked maintenance jobs where he did paint quite a bit. It also took him WEEKS to do the project, he'd start and then stop, and I almost took it over, but told myself not to.
I think all of these things over time have added up and have literally made my anxiety resurface and just drown me. This is all good though because I honestly think it's happening for a reason. It's a way for me to learn how to handle these anxious thoughts even though I've been feeling pretty stressed out. I'm way more emotional than normal and can cry at the drop of a hat now. I know it's not healthy, and am trying to figure out the best course of action that's good for the both of us. We've been close to breaking up (my decision, not his) and it just sends us both into an emotional spiral because we care so much. I need to work on not distancing myself so much, because that's playing a role.March 2, 2018 at 7:09 am #195625
The way you handled the burner incident (first paragraph) is excellent, letting him know the burner was on in a calm, empathetic way. He needs such notices to be gentle, not aggressive.
It is probably not a good idea to ask your mother relationship advice, including her evaluation of John, because she is not qualified to give you such advice. She is carrying on a dysfunctional relationship herself.
You wrote that you are exhausted now, living with John. You also think that it is an opportunity for you to deal with your anxiety in the context of living with John. I do hope it works out for the two of you. Post again anytime.
anitaMarch 2, 2018 at 7:42 am #195637
Anita, thank you for your insight and suggestions! I appreciate it!March 2, 2018 at 7:50 am #195641
You are welcome, pce42. Anytime.
anitaMarch 3, 2018 at 3:00 am #195779
He needs to meditate. Don't make this too complicated. Start meditating with him, then start meditating/listening to affirmations with him.March 3, 2018 at 3:01 am #195781
I promise things will get 10x better if you do thisMarch 5, 2018 at 8:59 am #195977
Thank you for the suggestion, it may be worth a shot.
Best,March 6, 2018 at 7:57 am #196081
As someone who meditated daily with ADHD, I know that this does not change the effects significantly enough to make a difference.
Meditation is not a cure all. I had a friend who is a life long meditator and still is an angry person. Now she probably would have been angrier if she did not meditate but it did not cure her off bring a pissed off woman. Same with my ADHD, I still forgot things and was impulsive along with all the other behaviors that people with ADHD exhibit.
I am a great believer in Body Talk for that cured me.
MarkMarch 6, 2018 at 8:27 am #196093
Thanks for your input Mark! I looked a bit more into the Body Talk and I'm not so sure that's something John would be interested in. I noticed when he cooked the other day, I saw him double-check the burners without me asking. He's cognizant and aware of these things, but as you know, the ADHD can get him overwhelmed and he does tend to be quite forgetful. He HAS gotten better since we've been together.
I know I need to work on myself as a person. For the last 6 months I've been so overwhelmed and stressed that I'm losing sight of myself. It's kind of ridiculous actually. We had a discussion about how we would handle family events moving forward and he feels stressed and gets emotional because he doesn't know. I told him I just would be separating myself more away from the family events due to the behavior of the brother/fiance. I don't want to hurt John, but I'm not sure what else I can do since making mends is not an option. The brother and fiance are toxic folks that create conflict in every situation I've seen them around. Once I removed them from social media, she went as far as blocking me so I can't see anything she tags his mother in. Normally, I would see on my news feed if his mom and the fiance were tagged in things, I noticed they were not, so tried searching for her, and she did block me. All very silly, I know.
I'm the type of person who likes consistency with my relationships. I understand we all have our own demons, but treating people poorly multiple times shows me a consistency there. I separate myself from those people, and fast. John is nothing like them with his behavior and he sees the situation as it is. He even told me if it wasn't for him being his brother, he wouldn't associated with him. It's sad actually.
I guess by posting, you just got me thinking of a whole bunch of other things we're dealing with at the moment too, ha!
Thanks,March 6, 2018 at 8:56 am #196107
I believe each person has their own path toward healing. What works for one, does not necessarily works for another. I am a strong advocate for meditation as a practice. I wanted to caution you that it is not a cure all.
Good for you for being aware of what you like and meets your needs. Good for you for setting boundaries and protecting yourself.
I wish you well in your relationship and all those issues that you are dealing with.
March 6, 2018 at 10:12 am #196131
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by Mark.
Thanks Mark! Cheers! : )March 9, 2018 at 8:01 am #196501
So I know this topic is a week old, and I know last week he left the burner on the stove. Yesterday, I got home from work only to walk into the house and discover the oven had been left on all day while we were at work (9.5 hours). He leaves after I do. When he got home, I pointed it out and he was devastated and on the verge of tears. I told him I can't keep dealing with dangerous things like that. The kitchen was warm when I walked in, as it obviously should be when an oven is left on at 350 for 9.5 hours. I'm starting to find myself getting more frustrated and impatient. Although I don't respond in anger, I respond with just disappointment. I find myself being more distant. I've never been in this situation and am struggling immensely. This is horrible for my loyalist/futuristic attributes. I literally am trying to be more present and I am constantly worrying about whether or not my damn house is gonna burn down.
We get a long so well, but I'm starting to question if this is going to be a life long endeavor. Am I the only person who is concerned here or would others in my shoes feel a sense of concern as well? I've been so patient. He TRULY and I can say this for a FACT means NO harm but will get hurried and space things like the oven. These are things I would NEVER space because they are dangerous. He's blown up a grill because he forgot the propane tank was INSIDE the grill while he attached another propane tank, has left the oven on a couple of times, left a burner on, and now an oven on for multiple hours. I don't want to pick him apart because we are all human and make mistakes. These mistakes however are dangerous in my opinion. I really don't think I can feel safe with him or rely on him in certain situations because of the dangers. My already worried mind is worrying about things I shouldn't even worry about like if my dog is gonna die in a house fire?
Even though it's not a DAILY occurrence, I am questioning what it's going to have to take for me to really finally say that's enough. Like, a damn house fire. I don't want it to get to that point. I've never dated a man that was so kind and sweet and if we broke up I would still have so much love and care for him and I know he'd feel the same for me. I just don't know if continuing on like this is healthy for either one of us. Again, he has untreated ADHD, we've had discussions about the seriousness of this for months. I can't tell him what to do nor have I done so. I have suggested things he can do but I don't want to be a “mom” like figure. I also don't want to be stressed about ending it and thinking I made a mistake.
Typical mid-life crisis. Ha! Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated at this point. I scheduled to chat with my counselor about this, but I don't see her for another two weeks since she's booked up. It's also important to note I've met with my counselor now 2 times to talk about the ADHD my boyfriend had and the concerns I have about whether or not I'm in the right relationship and how I can't figure it out. AGAIN, I'm a high rated loyalist. He's not a bad person, but he's just very forgetful and ADHD consumed.March 9, 2018 at 8:15 am #196505
A week ago, on March 2, I wrote to you: “Note: if his mistakes are indeed dangerous to your safety, do whatever needs to be done to be safe.”
Today you wrote: These mistakes however are dangerous… I really don't think I can feel safe with him or rely on him in certain situations because of the dangers. ”
Reads to me that the time to have him move out of your home and to not leave him unattended in your home is … well, yesterday.
I understand that he doesn't intend to endanger your life but when a fire starts it doesn't care about intents, it just burns what is in its way.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by anita.