March 9, 2018 at 8:21 am #196509
* didn't reflect under TopicsMarch 9, 2018 at 8:30 am #196515
Thanks for your insight. I suppose this would be MUCH easier if he was a terrible person. I've never been in a relationship like this before. I'm the worst at pulling the trigger to end things. I know you laid it out in your previous message, and I've made my own reflections on the situation in writing. It's just not easy. I'm heartbroken over the situation. But, although I want to be “present” and practice “mindfulness” I really can't in this relationship. I'm ALWAYS worrying about whether or not something bad is going to happen UNINTENTIONALLY. It drives me crazy. It's such a bummer. I hate breaking peoples hearts and my own.March 9, 2018 at 8:34 am #196517
You wrote that you “want to be ‘present' and practice ‘mindfulness'”- but it is he who needs to be present and mindful when you are not present.
You wrote that you don't want to break people's hearts. Because the danger is real, if he causes the house to burn, that will break his heart, won't it?
anitaMarch 9, 2018 at 9:18 am #196531
There are medications for ADHD and strategies in dealing with it. It sounds like he has not taken responsibility in addressing his disorder which has become a life safety issue.
What does he say about that?
MarkMarch 9, 2018 at 9:28 am #196545
Anita – You're right. I try to not be so futuristic, but I can't help but live in the future when these occurrences happen and I fear for the worst. It would absolutely break his heart if he burned the house down. Ironically, his brother, (not the twin), but his other brother burned his own house down due to carelessness. He got grease from a shirt on a space heater and the house went in flames. I'm wondering if this is just something that runs in this family.
Mark – He apologized last night and was devastated and said he was incredibly embarrassed. It was truly genuine. He just started his new so does not have insurance as of yet. He hasn't mentioned anything about getting on medicine recently and I feel like I shouldn't have to be the one to remind him of his strategies, so you're right, since these are life safety issues, they are concerning to me.
At this point, since he told me a few months ago he needs to prove to me that I can be safe around him, he's not, really. I don't know what else I can do at this point aside from mothering him and watching his every move. I don't want that in my relationship. I'm just scared because I've only dated a handful of guys and essentially worry about how many good guys are really out there with good intentions. I sound ridiculous, I know, but dating in your late 20s isn't the greatest thing ever. I'm 2 years to 30, and I think because I thought I had everything figured out, I'm just frustrated and overwhelmed. I know a lot of people go through this, it's not just me. I'm still on the fence about wanting children, but it would have to be with someone I felt safe around.
My counselor said whatever I decide, to remember, I'm 28 and have my whole life ahead of me.
Thanks again to you both for reaching out to me, I definitely need someone to chat with about this today outside of my circle.
March 9, 2018 at 10:42 am #196581
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by pce42.
You are welcome. Interesting, about his brother burning down the house. Mark's question to you got me thinking: how is it that your boyfriend himself did not suggest to you that he moves out: is he not concerned about your safety?
After all, the possibility of burning a house because of inattentiveness must have occurred to him when his brother did just that, no?
anitaMarch 9, 2018 at 11:19 am #196587
When he does not take responsibility for the safety of your lives then it becomes a bigger issue then you being a mother to him. It is a life-or-death issue. No matter whether or not he feels bad about the past missteps, he needs to insure the safety of you.
The way you have characterized the danger of living with him, this has now gone beyond whether or not you being responsible for his disorder. You need to take responsibility for your own safety. If this means giving him an ultimatum on getting this fixed ASAP then so be it. If this means you moving out then so be it.
MarkMarch 9, 2018 at 12:12 pm #196589
Anita – Now that you mention that, you're right. He hasn't offered to move out. It's interesting because he calls his brother an idiot for burning down the house, but now, I am curious why he points a finger if he is a hazard too with his behavior?
Mark – I get what you're saying. I agree. I feel like these behaviors and the fact he's caught me crying over them would send a red flag. He'd be the one moving out, I own my home. I also feel bad because I don't want to seem cold by telling him to move out. Looks like I've got a lot to figure out.
Thanks,March 9, 2018 at 1:47 pm #196597
Why are you putting up with this? You say you are exhausted living with this guy, then why are you? And why, for 6 years, were you with a verbally abusive, “toxic” guy, who would break your things and then blame you for it?
Could it be that you put up with a lot because you don't believe that you deserve better, and that you are afraid of being alone? You have a decent career and own your own home. You are obviously an intelligent woman. You see the goodness in people and have a huge heart. But you are worried that at 28 years old you may not find a good guy to share your life with. Then you need to stop rationalizing the major flaws you see in the guys you date. Look for the red flags, cut your losses early, and stop wasting time. You have spent 7 years now with two guys that are not good for you. Twenty-eight is young, and I can assure you that plenty of good guys are out there.
If I were 28 (or 38, 0r 48, or 78) and in a one year relationship that was this difficult, and we were not married and there were no kids involved, I'd end it. A happy relationship is not this difficult.
BMarch 9, 2018 at 2:58 pm #196603
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Brandy,</p>
No, I was with the toxic ex for 2 years max. Thanks for your insight, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. It’s not that I don’t think I deserve better, it’s that I do my best to make it work whenever possible.
IMarch 9, 2018 at 4:11 pm #196607
I'm sorry, I realize now I came across in my last post as insensitive. And I'm also sorry that I misunderstood that the guy you were with for 6 years and the toxic guy are not the same person.
I understand that you are trying very hard to make this work, and also that he's a sweet, kind guy, and that you don't want to hurt him, but I don't believe that it should be this hard. In the beginning you were “madly in love”, and now you're not so sure anymore; this must be very disappointing for you, but maybe you're seeing things more clearly now.
You have a lot going for you and a lot to offer. Don't forget that.March 10, 2018 at 5:23 am #196629
I studied your posts on this thread in an effort to see something I didn't see before. First a summary and quotes:
He is 30. He quit his factory job and went back to college so to have a better job in the future. You met him when he was in college, (about) Feb 2017, dated for 8 months and he moved in with you about 4 months ago with his dog. You work full time and have your own business on top of your job. Three months into dating, he graduated college, got a job, was unemployed Oct 17-Feb 2018 and recently started a new job.
Regarding money, you wrote: “I knew going into the relationship we would be on different financial levels. I own my house, he doesn't have one, I have a stable career, he's just starting out…I had to pay my own way for most things… Sometimes I'd pay for his stuff too, but we tend to stick to splitting everything down the middle…I have him pay half of what I pay (mortgage) and then add another flat $100 for water, electricity, and internet. We split groceries”
While living with you, he's done the following: didn't put a propane tank inside grill (it caught fire), left the gas oven burners on after cooking, left the oven on, didn't open the garage door before starting your car, didn't secure/deadbolt the front door, drove carelessly almost causing accidents,
His responses: “apologizing profusely… he told me he is willing to seek help because in his words, ‘I think it'll help me become a better person since I've struggled with forgetfulness and misplacing things my entire life'… he was devastated and on the verge of tears… He apologized last night and was devastated and said he was incredibly embarrassed.”
You wrote about him and the communication with him: “he's such a sweet man. He helps out around the house, cooks, and is always wanting to know how my day is… he is so sweet and we are able to communicate and connect…He's very sensitive and emotional…We have had long deep discussions about the seriousness of this for months… he told me a few months ago he needs to prove to me that I can be safe around him, he's not, really.. He hasn't offered to move out. It's interesting because he calls his brother an idiot for burning down the house, but now, I am curious why he points a finger if he is a hazard too with his behavior?”
You wrote: “I feel like these behaviors and the fact he's caught me crying over them would send a red flag.”
My input: in my efforts of trying to understand John from your posts, I have to peel off, so to speak, all your interpretations of John's behavior and consider possibilities that you didn't point to. Here is what I am thinking/ seeing: seems like he does suffer from attention deficit. But he is more than this diagnosis. A person with ADHD can be honest or dishonest, aggressive or passive-aggressive, etc. ADHD does not explain all of his behavior, it is not all that he is.
When he was off work he asked you to “make him a to-do list”. You asked him if he wanted to paint a few rooms in your house. He said “he'd love to.” But then, “it took him WEEKS to do the project, he'd start and then stop”, and he did a very sloppy job.
Here is a possibility: John has attention deficit problems and in some ways he is dishonest and passive aggressive. He appears sweeet and sensitive, emotional and kind, apologetic and so forth… but these are appearances. “I'd love to (paint rooms) is that appearance, but taking weeks, on and off painting is him saying something like this to you: I'd love to… but I won't!
Same with telling you that he is willing to seek help and then not. His real communication is: I will seek help… but I am not going to! And I will prove to you that you can be safe with me… but I won't!
The fact that you talked with him about your safety concerns repeatedly and he has never suggested that he moves out as a solution tells me there is some serious lack of concern on his part for your safety and well-being.
He seems to be honest financially, paying half of the mortgage etc. If what he pays you is significantly lower than what he would pay if he rented an apartment, then money may be one motive on his part to live with you and to not suggest to move out.
anitaMarch 10, 2018 at 8:49 am #196649
Brandy – No worries, I appreciate everyone’s perspective and taking the time to respond. It is quite disappointing because he is a good man. This has to be one of the hardest relationships in terms of deciding whether to stay or go. I worry losing him out of my life. I’ve never been able to be friends with exes because it’s really hard to keep up with them on social media. I’m way too sensitive in that sense but hate to lose him. It’s a catch 22.
Anita – Thanks for looking over everything again and offering your thoughts! I did get home from work last night and asked him if he thought he should move out with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. He asked if I thought that was best and he went on crying and started to put himself down. He said he can’t do anything right and his girlfriend can’t even feel safe in her own house. We both bawled, which let me tell you, I’m so tired of revisiting this and crying about it. He asked me what I wanted to do, either have him move out or wait for him to get help now that his insurance had kicked in.
I didn’t know what to say or how to answer it. It’s like I went numb into my analysis paralysis. He told me it was up to me. I asked him where he would go if this didn’t work and he said he had no clue and would live out of his car if needed. I told him I wouldn’t have him live out of his car. He said he always just keeps on going in life.
So, I don’t know, I suppose if he’s serious I don’t need to be the one to remind him to make an appointment. He said he wonders how if he had gotten help in the past how good of grades, etc. he would have gotten. Just kinda stuck in that comfortable not so sure what to do stage again. I know that there is no perfect relationship out there but keep fighting back and forth with my mind. Chatting with a few people about the oven, they were shocked, but said leaving an oven on for 9.5 hours shouldn’t cause a fire. That’s still a long time to leave something unattended.March 10, 2018 at 11:03 am #196655
Last night you asked him if he thought he should move out. His responses:
1. “he went on crying”
2. He “started to put himself down”.
3. He asked you what you wanted to do: have him move out or wait for him to get help now that his insurance kicked in, telling you it is up to you.
4. He said that if he moved out he said he has no clue and “would live out of his car if needed.”
Did you consider before that what motivated him to cry before, as well as last night, is to make you sorry for him? And that his motivation for putting himself down being the same?
When he gave you the sole responsibility to decide for you and for him (#3), he is encouraging you to feel guilty when as a result of your choice, he lives out of his car.
What do you think?
anitaMarch 10, 2018 at 8:40 pm #196699
I told him to stop his self loathing when he was putting himself down. It is possible he is trying to make me feel guilty, but I think it’s more along th lines of the two of us get along so well aside from these factors his ADHD plays in. I’ve never dated a man with ADHD before so, as you can tell, this is all stressful.
I think he he needs to take the initiative though and seek help without me checking in with him on it. I don’t want to be like “hey, did you make an appointment yet?” I think that’s something he should take responsibility for.
He feels like a failure because he knows I feel unsafe around him but he’s the only one who can change that really. Otherwise, I will have to end the relationship. It’s just not healthy for my mental state otherwise.