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This topic contains 77 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #296041

    Zeeza
    Participant

    It is really hard to think for myself. I look to others for advice to make choices and extensively google search everything. I have centered my life around trying to feel worthiness and control my emotions.

    I started a career in childcare where seeing the kids happy and learning brought pure joy into my life. I quit because I became addicted to nicotine and the stress of waiting 4-5 hours gave me so much anxiety at work I was no longer able to be fully present and I no longer believed I was good enough to be responsible for their lives. I was a lead toddler teacher with my own classroom I was able to design. I felt pure telling people I worked with children. Like there was some unspoken truth that I had deep compassion, however, I became frustrated when the children would bite each other. One day I was being monitored by a specialist to give me feedback. When two kids bit each other and 2 other were crying I was rushing to all them. She told me I need to let go of control and that I can’t be everywhere at once. I thought I have to be every where as much as possible for their safety. I concluded I was unfit for the job.

    Discarding negative messaging like I am a failure and I will never be good enough is very difficult because it tends to insidiously creep up into my life with self destruction. I believe this stems from me not thinking for myself because it was my mother who thought I wasn’t good enough and I still have a chance to derive my own conclusion.

    I repeat this cycle with my career. I start a new job and work my way to the top only to quit and try something else. Never feeling completely fulfilled. I have tried taking others advice, societal messaging, and exploring new environments.

    I have transferred my addictive habits to new addictive habits. Before I was addicted to nicotine I would get a power trip out of not eating. Before I had issues with anorexia, I was self harming. I have gone through extensive therapy. I finally gave in and started taking a mood stabilizer. I have received different diagnoses over the years from PTSD, BPD and Bipolar.

    Cannabis has always helped me calm down when I feel like harming myself. It has always been my go to but lately I have been thinking maybe it is what kills my motivation. Because now my reward is immediate rather than achieving a goal.

    I quit nicotine for 4 months and during that time I had to learn how to face my pain and replace my cravings with positive actions. I went back to it all when my friend died. I have patches and I keep telling myself I will pick a day and try again.

    I have lost motivation in the past 7 months since a car accident I was in. Which is kind of ironic because I was just grateful to live but when I realized how the lack of depth my relationships were where I didn’t feel like I could lean on anyone during this healing process (even though I had friends calling me) I felt disconnected from them all. Like I am on borrowed time.

    I wish someone could just tell me what I want and how I want to live. I have been overproductive most of my life and this is the first time I have been so tired that all I can do is grieve of what is lost. Now I am underproductive and codependant on people and substances. I tell myself that my value of integrity will keep me from letting my emotions control me. But it is slowly becoming harder to care and easier to just waste away.

    I read somewhere that a person learned how to love themselves by treating oneself like a Significant Other. I thought this sounds narcissistic because you are suppose to put others first and be selfless which is easier with the real S.O

    But upon reflection of trying really hard to think for myself, that it is valid to say the most important relationship you have is with yourself. Because it is where you plant the seeds of your compassion and courage to face yours/others pain wholeheartedly. The depth of your relationship with yourself equates to the depth of a life well lived perhaps.

    I wish I could learn how to truly listen to myself without pieces of myself destroying what little voice I have left.

    “Love Never Dies” but it seems to when you doubt the existence of it. If you become what you believe how do empower yourself to choose the right beliefs?

    #296089

    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Zeeza

    I read somewhere that a person learned how to love themselves by treating oneself like a Significant Other. I thought this sounds narcissistic because you are suppose to put others first and be selfless which is easier with the real S.O

    It may sound like a paradox however you aren’t putting others first if you’re not taking care of yourself. Putting others first can also be ‘narcissistic”. Try to remove words like “supposed to” from your inner dialog.

    In the book ‘How to be an Adult in Relationships’ the author talked about how its not possible to be 100% available to another person and that at best we manage 20%.  And that 20% makes for a good relationship. I found that freeing. If I’m honest with myself anymore then that overwhelms me and giving more then that for an extended period of time drains me. Don’t get me wrong their will be times in relationship that we must lean in and support each other with everything we have however in the day to day that’s not required.

    “Love Never Dies” but it seems to when you doubt the existence of it. If you become what you believe how do empower yourself to choose the right beliefs?

    In the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy the Ultimate Question to the question of the meaning of Life turns out to be “What do you get when you multiply six by nine. The answer 42.  To which Author replies “I always thought something was fundamentally wrong with the universe.” Author does not even think of asking if just maybe something might be wrong with our ability to do math.

    I think the same goes for the word LOVE. We attach so many attributes to the idea of love that that the questions we ask of love stop making sense let alone our answers. The statement “Love never Dies” is true however it begs the question what is Love? What role does Suffering play in Love? What are my expectations of Love. Are my expectations attributes of Love or a attempt to control it and make it into my image? How much does a desire that the world bend to our need impact our relationship to the idea of Love? Have we confused Love with Control? What relationship does Love have with responsibility and accountability, discipline…? The questions go on … and most of our answers with come out as 6 x 9 = 42 and so we determine something is wrong with Love…. With us…

    You are where you need to be. Take care of yourself, if your drowning the task is to learn to swim and then, if its your calling become a life guard, that can help others.

    You may find the book – ‘When the past is in the present’  helpful

    “In a true you-and-I relationship, we are present mindfully, non-intrusively, the way we are present with things in nature. We do not tell a birch tree it should be more like an elm. We face it with no agenda, only an appreciation that becomes participation: ‘I love looking at this birch’ becomes ‘I am this birch’ and then ‘I and this birch are opening to a mystery that transcends and holds us both.” ― David Richo, When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships

    #296097

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Here is a summary of your story from your first thread, 2017-2018: as a child, you were molested by your mother’s boyfriend and otherwise physically and emotionally abused by parents who were addicted to heroin and other drugs.. At 17 you were diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). When you were diagnosed with PTSD at 17, your “family told me I was just seeking attention and that nothing ever happened”.

    At 18, you moved across the country at 18 “to restart my life and get away from the life that caused so much pain”. You self harmed from the age of 11 to 20 and then again in 2017. By the time you were 24,  you were “in and out of hospitalizations, intensive outpatient therapy, and counseling”. You started studies toward a degree in Biochemistry, being 38 credits away from your degree in 2017.

    As you attended university, one of your professors reminded you of your abuser, and “all the work I have done to learn how to  cope with PTSD fell out the window”. You “spent most days at home in panic, shame, and fighting the urge to self-harm”. You sought counseling at that point and barely passed your classes. Later you broke up with a boyfriend who treated you well and “went back to visit my family, where all of the memories that haunt me had occurred”, and you “started to self harm again.. so I can numb myself from the thought that I am one mile away from the man who molested me”.

    You moved 11 times in the five years before 2017, “I keep running and my emotions catch up with me eventually. I feel too much or nothing at all”, you wrote two years ago. “Some days I have a beautiful creative thoughts and I can trust that everything will be ok, and in a split second my flashback or something will send me into a fetal position crying wishing I could just end it all, and it happens so fast that it feels like I have no control, and I want control in my life so badly”, you wrote then.

    The year after, 2018, following more therapy and five months abstinence from self harm, you confronted your mother about the sexual abuse by the man who she was still involved with romantically and has a child with, telling her that you are afraid of him. She in turn interrogated you for details and “kept saying not enough details”. You blocked her phone numbers a the time. Back in 2018 you wrote: “I commit myself to build a life worth living so I can never feel worthless.. practice gratitude, and share empathy with others and myself. A life worth living is full of connections with others and myself. The ability to trust.. to be resilient… empower myself to make decisions and set healthy boundaries.. I commit myself to letting go of shame… I really do believe that I become what I focus on. Energy flows where attention goes”.

    In your current, 2019 thread, you shared that you stared a career in childcare, being a lead toddler teacher with your own classroom but after some criticism by a specialist who told you that you “can’t be everywhere at once”, trying to attend to all the children at once, you “concluded I was unfit for the job” and you quit. You wrote that this is a cycle with your career, “I start a new job and work my way to the top only to quit and try something else”

    You also shared that you have received “different diagnoses over the years from PTSD, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and Bipolar”, that you were recently addicted to nicotine while before you were addicted to  “not eating.. had issues with anorexia”, “was self harming”, have been using cannabis, and you “have gone through extensive therapy”. Recently you started taking a mood stabilizer.

    You wrote that you abstained from nicotine for 4 months but resumed it when a friend of yours died. And you lost motivation in the past seven months following a car accident.

    You wrote that you realized “the lack of depth” of your relationship and that you “didn’t feel like I could lean on anyone during this healing process (even though I had friend calling me) I felt disconnected from them all”.

    “Now I am underproductive and codependent of people and substances… it is slowly becoming harder to care and easier to just waste away”.

    Based on my own healing process of the last 8 years and on the information you shared, I believe the following:

    1. You need to come to a place where you give up on and end any and all contact with your mother, her boyfriend and any and all people who deny your very real childhood experience of mollestation and abuse.

    2. Every time you make progress in your healing process, as you have made repeateldy, expect that progress to not be linear. Expect that something will happen (ex: the professor that reminded you of your molester, the friend dying, the car accident) or just flashbacks of the past, that will stop your progress and bring back the distress of before. Be prepated to not resume addictions when that happens, and to not sink into complete despair, understanding that this was expected, happened and will happen again, and it is time to take good care of yourself during these times.

    A linear healing process from the injuries you suffered in childhood is not possible.

    3. Somehow you have to come to a place, as you think of what happened to you as a child, where you really do believe it happened, a place where you no longer minimize it or deny it (like your mother has done), a place where you can clearly see and believe, that you were a good child, a good girl, and it is your abusers who were the bad people in the context of you and them. You have to travel back in time, so to speak, for the purpose of believing again in your own innocence of that time, really understanding that you were a good girl, and therefore you are now a good person, deserving a good life.

    Without this belief, that you are a good person, your efforts to make progress are thwarted, blocked. Our core beliefs are very powerful, and when you believe you are a bad person (the shame you mentioned) and a guilty person, you can’t be motivated enough to persistently move toward having a good life and good, loving relationships because … you don’t believe you deserve that.

    I hope to read more from you, thoughts about what I wrote here, anything that comes to your mind and heart.

    anita

     

     

    #296119

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses brought me to tears because I didn’t really know if I articulated myself clearly but you both see me and have given much to think about in a positive way even though I am crying. I don’t know if that makes any sense but just to make sure I am understanding correctly

    “It may sound like a paradox however you aren’t putting others first if you’re not taking care of yourself. Putting others first can also be ‘narcissistic”. Try to remove words like “supposed to” from your inner dialog

    I can see how putting others first can be narcissistic because I am trying to prove my worth and feel good rather than just genuinely and only trying to help someone from a place of peace. I initially thought of this as self-preserving because If I had a hard time believing in my own worth maybe helping others could show some other story.

    I am trying really hard to remove “supposed to” and “should’s” from my dialogue. I made a stack of coping cards for when I feel overly emotional or just down in general to try to get myself back on track. I am definitely adding this 80/20 idea on my boundary setting card. I am sad to admit I expected other people to give me 80% because I feel as if I need it and I try to give 80% in return. I use to think that if I was close enough with someone I would feel whole again, like I have family. It scares me to think that the rules and expectations we put around love can cause a lot of pain because as humans are emotions are designed to make predictions? I think it is very easy to confuse love with control when your childhood has grown around that idea but I want to change. It is hard to imagine love in this new light which is kind of embarrassing honestly maybe how one would feel about the incorrect answer of 6X9=42. I have Hitchiker’s Guide of the Galaxy and only read the first few chapters so I will go back to that and add When the Past is in the Present. Thank you Peter 🙂

     

    Anita,

    Thank you for paying attention and helping me summarize the bigger picture. I followed step one and cut contact with my mother and following after that was more heartache I was expecting. The only true close friend I had for 6 years became really controlling. She started to scream at me if I didn’t call her back quickly enough. So I ended our friendship. But what she did next was another ultimate betrayal. I had stopped speaking with my mother for about 6 months at this time since we had our last big blow out when I confronted her again with the truth. Anyways my friend somehow magically finds my mother on facebook ( I keep my friends list private and I had blocked this friend) and she proceeds to tell my mom all my secrets, that I smoked weed and I use to be a stripper. What exactly I remember of the abuse and how I doubt myself sometimes. My mother calls my cell phone and I am in a state of shock. Thinking someone has died I answer it and my mom tells me she knows that the real me cares about animals and loves reading books and warned me that my friend had an ax to grind with me and told me she stuck up for me and all the details of the conversation my mom had with my ex friend online. At this point it felt like my mother now knows all my secrets and she is trying to stand up for me, what could be her ulterior motives. But she moved on to dating someone new and never spoke of the person who molested me again. We just message each other random animal pictures on facebook. Very bare minimum conversation. Her boyfriend died last week. I really wanted to comfort her but she doesn’t want it. So it has been a confusing process to say the least.

    “2. Every time you make progress in your healing process, as you have made repeatedly, expect that progress to not be linear. Expect that something will happen” I accept that progress isn’t linear but it is so frustrating when I feel like I can’t control how to manage my career and goals when I am trying to just eat enough and keep myself calm enough to keep trying. I thought if I picked a stable lifestyle/career I could learn how to heal better. But it feels like self-care and success are opposing each other. I think if I had the skill to do what I am saying I will do despite how I feel then I would be able to live a more stable life.

     

    3. I feel like a good girl when I sing. This brings me back to when I would just play outside for hours and sing myself songs. My tree was my best friend. I try to sing now when I am alone and it does help connect me to this part of myself.

     

    Changing the core belief that I am a good person isn’t linear? Is it possible to pass the point of feeling inadequate or is it a universal feeling we learn to adapt to?

    I have 5 classes left for my degree in biochemistry. The childcare was my first career ever when I was 19. I signed up for classes again a month ago (after taking time off to recover from car accident) and I think I jumped the gun starting again because maybe I can pass one class out of 3. I would pass all 3 if I just attended class and showed up for my exams. It is simple. My logic is if I find a cause I care deeply about, it won’t matter how I feel and I will always have willpower to move forward… so I have been wavering in my decision to work in science but decided finishing my degree is an act of self love. To show myself I can finish what I started.

     

     

    #296143

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    You are welcome. The close friend you had, she betrayed you- what a terrible betrayal!

    Your mother took that opportunity to side with you, to show some loyalty toward you, opposite to her betrayal of you before, where it hurt most and when it hurt most, that is, when you were a child. I don’t know what affect or effect this resumed, minimal communication with her has or will have on you, something to pay attention to as time progresses.

    “it is so frustrating when I feel like I can’t control how to..”- pay attention every day to your small efforts and successes in controlling what can be controlled, what is reasonable to control. You need to feel confident in your ability to control what is humanly possible to control. Focus on those smaller efforts and successes and you will move forward to bigger efforts and success.

    “I feel like a good girl when I sing”- and when you stop singing, hold on to that feeling, remember it, extend it a bit longer, here and there and the next day.

    “Is it possible to pass the point of feeling inadequate of is it a universal feeling we learn to adapt to?”- it is possible to feel adequate but not before you realize that as a human, as the animals that we are, we at best can be … perfectly human, meaning, we can never be a perfect machine, such that never makes mistakes and always operates the same way, (nor can we be that made up concept of god, all knowing, all capable, all loving).

    “My logic is if I find a cause I care deeply about.. I will always have willpower to move forward”- may that cause be your healing. Be patient, expect it to be a gradual process, keep learning (healing and learning are synonymous) and move forward. When in a crisis, don’t get overwhelmed and figured you are sinking into a pit with no way out. In times of crises, you have the opportunity to earn your much needed and desired confidence in your ability to reasonably control yourself and your life, according to what is possible for a human being.

    anita

     

    #296303

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I have stopped trying to understand why my friend had betrayed me in that way, and after the friendship ended I have learned to think and do more for myself instead of always turning to someone else for advice. I felt relieved to not have to answer to someone all the time.

    I will keep track of how interacting with my mother goes. So far she has reminded me of family birthdays and little things like that. It feels relieving to be somewhat connected to the family in that way. I just told her lets not talk about “it” and move forward like everything is normal so we haven’t talked about it and if she tried to I would cut contact because I see no point or I don’t see it possibly being healing.

    I often said the serenity prayer growing up with my mom because she was in addiction recovery. Another version of this prayer is my screensaver right now

    “Grant me the serenity to stop beating myself up for not doing things perfectly, the courage to forgive myself because I am working on doing better, and the wisdom to know I am already loved the way I am”

    After reading and understanding your response yesterday, I finally picked myself up to eat and take care of things that are so minor yet so vital. I find myself dissecting all of my expectations as I am moving forward with actions to target my goals. I realize that I need expectations to have goals but what is dangerous is unrealistic expectations and sorting out expectations I have for myself and what others expect from me. I realized how boundaries are shaped around expectations which is shaped around values and beliefs. In summary, I feel like I am more equipped now to map out my intentions and try to align my choices.

    I am singing as much as I can! Thankfully positive lyrics randomly entering my mind.

    It is easier to accept myself as an adequate human striving to be the best knowing that I am not a machine but a human.

    My cause over the years has been this idea of spreading as much positive energy as possible because healing is possible. I thought I was all-loving and if I just loved hard enough I would succeed. When I was in that car accident, right before I braced myself for impact hitting this truck in front of us going about 50 MPH, I tried to position my body to shield my little dog and I remember suspending in mid air saying to myself “If die I love myself”. I don’t know how I even had the time to utter those words to myself but I feel like it contributed to my body not constricting in fear and become more damaged in the accident. It felt like a love miracle that my dog and I were ok! Unfortunately the driver broke his sternum bone but he is ok and no one died. I realized that when I tried to be all-loving, I had expectations centered around it. In that moment I had no expectations but pure acceptance. I understand that I am not my thoughts or emotions but the awareness of it and having that to work with as my fluid sense of identity is freeing.

    “When in a crisis, don’t get overwhelmed and figured you are sinking into a pit with no way out. In times of crises, you have the opportunity to earn your much needed and desired confidence in your ability to reasonably control yourself and your life, according to what is possible for a human being.”

    I have read this statement over and over because I love how it shifts my mindset to feel empowered rather than trapped. I have an opportunity to show myself how strong I am and what direction of learning I may need. Reminds me of the quote ” you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice”

    Thank You!!

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #296307

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    You are welcome. I hope you don’t experience another significant crisis anytime soon, but the next minor crisis, I hope you return to your thread here and document your earning the confidence you need in your ability to control all that you can control, all that you can reasonably expect to control.

    Of course, you are welcome to post here anytime you’d like. I will be glad to reply when you do.

    anita

    #296803

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I can’t figure out if the situation/relationship I am in is emotionally abusive or not. My girlfriends really want me to leave him and say he is not good for me but I try communicate better to resolve conflict.

     

    Last night we somehow got on the topic about the guy who raped me 5 years ago before I started college. He keeps asking me over and over what his name is. I finally tell him. He says he is going to do stuff to him with his friends. I tell him I just want the revenge of having peace of mind and move forward and not have to think about it or him. I told him violence is never the answer with me but focusing on my own healing. He told me “why are you protecting him? what is wrong with you?” and then I just kept asking him to stop talking about it and before all this we had a conversation about vegans and transgenders. I was trying to explain my diverse group of friends and he was showing his ignorance about it. Saying he wouldn’t be friends with people like that. I told him so what you would break up with me if I was vegan? and he slammed the paper towel roll on the counter saying I ruined the night with that mean comment. I tried explaining to him that I respect all walks of life and he is like well I am respectful too. But if you ever got a pet pig I would feed it bacon. ( I have always wanted a pet pig and of course I got mad trying to give him a lesson on empathy I told him how would you feel if I feed your cat meat and it clicked of how disturbing of a comment it was).

    I cried today in the aftermath of what was said last night. Part of me blames myself for the rape because I didn’t scream or try to poke his eyes out etc and I just froze there. And to have him blame me for protecting him made me just break a little. I calmed down and now I am just trying to reflect is he coming from a place of love or a place of control. Is he really trying to defend me and if he was why wouldn’t he respect my own choice in how I am trying to deal with it.

    #296829

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Based on your recent post only (I don’t remember reading anything about your boyfriend before the recent post), he is not abusive to you. The information you gave him is very distressing for a man who cares about his girlfriend, that she was raped. That enrages a man, makes him feel angry, wanting to retroactively protect you, to punish the one who raped you. Under the .. influence of his emotions, anger and feeling helpless to (retroactively) protect you, he is not likely to talk to you as if he was a competent, calm professional, a psychotherapist perhaps, who is likely to say all the right things in a calm voice.

    Don’t give him more information at any one time than he can handle. And better, don’t look for evidence to .. prove to yourself that he is bad or abusive, such as pointing to however he feels about vegans and transgenders. No one is guilty for feeling any which way. It is our behavior that we are responsible for, not our feelings, likes and dislikes.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #296885

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Anita,

    I am so grateful for your words and wisdom. You speak in a way that truly helps me understand and honestly it is releasing to let go of the thought of abuse being present or trying to look for signs of it. I am afraid of being blind because I do not trust my own feelings to match the situation.

    “No one is guilty for feeling any which way. It is our behavior that we are responsible for, not our feelings, likes and dislikes.”

    I have been guilty of not being responsible for my own behavior and letting my feelings get the best of me. I have procrastinated school work and I might have to take classes again that is if I can still have the opportunity to. As I was writing this entry I stopped myself and the words, “how am I going to show myself I can cope and do what is right in this situation?” and started an assignment, emailed my school to try to repair my mistakes, and make a Plan B where I can take a couple of classes at a community college. I don’t want to be the kind of person that gives up more so then not wanting to fail.

    #296891

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in a few hours.

    anita

    #296921

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    “I do not trust my own feelings to match the situation”- that was very true for me as well and therefore “History on Repeat” was my story as well. I trust my feelings now, after years of learning and healing, and I hope that sooner than later, you will also trust your feelings.

    Other animals that don’t have a language and the ability to think as we do, they are guided solely by their feelings/ emotions and bodily sensations: hunger-> look for food, sexual arousal-> mate, affection-> socialize with other members of the social group, anger-> fight, fear-> run, etc.

    As humans with an elaborate ability to think we have to listen to  our emotions and think, both, but we are never removed from the animal that we are in that every emotion and bodily sensation is a guide.

    Congratulations for emailing the school, trying to correct your mistake and making plan B.

    “I have been guilty of not being responsible.. procrastinated school work”- be empathetic toward yourself, just as you would be, I hope, to a young child who is scared, don’t beat yourself up for procrastinating work, be kind to yourself and do the best you can, congratulating yourself for the efforts that you make and small successes, make a habit of that.

    anita

    #297047

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for sharing a part of your story with me. It gives me hope that you have experienced trust with your feelings and growth over the years.

    I like the way you referred to animals being guided by emotions and sensations to put it into perspective. When I was younger I would imagine all thoughts and emotions as energy flowing through me connecting me to life all around me and I would imagine what this “energy” would look like flowing colors intertwining.

    I have read through a lot of the forums and the idea of being empathetic to myself and caring for my inner child is absolutely necessary. I have let the bully inside me rule the show thinking I deserve every punishment but I realize that is the past in the present and in the past I didn’t deserve that punishment and I don’t now. I deserve to feel safe and learn the tools to keep moving forward.

    I find myself overthinking and ruminating trying to connect with my truth and make choices on how to move forward but I have realized that overthinking is a direct insight that I am not being empathetic with myself and trying to go alter or avoid what I am feeling. I remember saying to myself life is simple I know what I need to do, it is when I lack trust in my feelings and intuition that I become diluted. I have made mistakes before and life is full of surprises so my lack of trust and overthinking is a version of self protection and feeling a sense of control. I can work out every scenario in my head before making a choice and try my best to predict and prepare but I will never fully know with certainty how things will turn out and I believe it is an essential skill to embrace uncertainty with the certainty of trusting that I will learn from my experiences. I find that history repeats itself until I learn my lesson and sometimes I can’t learn it all by myself and asking for others insight is ok. So taking a big leap of faith in hoping that I am capable of learning and changing instead of looking for ways to show myself I am falling apart.

    I imagine strength like a flame. Sometimes life blows out the flame but the flame reignites by support, friends, or a higherpower. Each time the flame reignites it burns brighter and brighter. I try to visualize my breath fanning this internal flame, the deeper and slower breathing feeds the fire within. The fire of determination to never give up and find this present moment as the best moment to grow. I feel like this visualization helps me trust myself.

    #297077

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I will read and reply to you in a few hours or less.

    anita

    #297089

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    You write beautifully, your visual images are beautiful. You are intelligent and creative.

    Talking about intelligence, my therapist at the time taught me that wisdom takes rational understanding and emotional understanding. People cannot function well in life, can’t be wise practicing rational understanding/ intelligence alone because we are not robots or computers. We are animals therefore we are motivated by emotions, not by logic. I am continuing to develop my emotional intelligence and I can tell that so are you.

    “I imagine strength like a flame. Sometimes life blows out the flame but the flame reignites by support, friends… The fire of determination to never give up and find this present moment a the best moment to grow”-

    – to never give up.

    – this present moment as the best moment to grow

    anita

     

     

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