January 7, 2020 at 6:38 pm #331963
I am sorry I just saw your message. I am trying to understand this dynamic truly. I never realized therapists would have to be objective to provide insight. Wow that is a harsh truth though to understand that he would have to even see me in high regard to want to learn with me.January 7, 2020 at 6:48 pm #331977
A quick google search led me to this quote: “different employers.. have different rules when it comes to maintaining a clean driving record. Some employers require you to have no moving violations, no accidents, and no points to be considered a clean driver. Other employers simply require no accidents in the past five or seven years.”
I can’t imagine that not having had a car insurance disqualifying you from a job… it doesn’t read reasonable to me, but there is a lot that I don’t know.
In any case, even a job that does require a clean driving record, it may mean not having had accidents in the last five years, and your record is clean according to this meaning of what a clean driving record is.
anitaJanuary 7, 2020 at 6:53 pm #331981
I am trying to separate the dramatic-ness of my thoughts right now.
Just because I can’t save my dad or him doesn’t mean I am not valued. Just because I can’t fix it doesn’t mean I am powerless. I am valued by valuing myself, I am powerful in being able to let go.
Just because I have a ticket, doesn’t defer or take away the fact of this promotion (as far as I know) and the hard work I have done to get where I am.
Just because I am sad and stressed out right now doesn’t mean I won’t do my best to fix what I can and deal with the consequences of my actions.
If I get fired I will deal with it then, I don’t need to waste energy worrying about ifs but about what can be done right now.January 7, 2020 at 6:55 pm #331983
You are so kind to look at these things with my Anita. Thank you for being so supportive and sharing truth with me. This is hard lesson emotionally. Thank you 🙂January 7, 2020 at 7:10 pm #332023
You are very welcome. I like your affirmations (post before most recent) and see them as true to reality. The reason you can’t help your father or this man is because no one who is not a professional can help either one of them. Not that you don’t have insight or that you are not intelligent. Problem is that you are not objective. A competent therapist is objective, is not emotionally involved with her client, is not invested in them beyond the professional context.
I am going to turn off the computer and be back Wed morning. I hope to be reading from you about how the day goes tomorrow.
Please rest well and have a good night.
anitaJanuary 8, 2020 at 2:56 pm #332147
I became impulsive last night and went onto a dating site that have wealthy men on it and ended up enjoying lunch with someone really cool and smart and asked me about my work. He was very handsome. However this dating site is a sugar baby/ daddy site? I don’t know what my exact thought process was but just that I want to find someone who wants to spoil me. He is looking for a long-term partner that is also open. But he has gone to a lot of the same events I go to yearly and we both like the same kind of music. We talked about how important it is to have emotional intelligence and interdependence.
How wild. I better start focusing more on learning about work now. I am feeling a little manic and overwhelmed. Like how could he be interested in me? Anyways thank you for all of your support.
I hope to be careful with my impulsiveness.January 8, 2020 at 3:05 pm #332155
I am not surprised that you need some feel-good excitement in your life, working as many hours as you do in a lab, and not having a healthy love relationship with a man.
I figure that need for excitement and for relaxing and being taken care of by a man is what caused you to contact that website, and you had a good time having lunch with him. Be cautious at this point, post this lunch, so that you don’t end up experiencing the unpleasant kind of excitement, the kind that brings misery.
“He is looking for a long term partner that is also open”- open to what???
January 8, 2020 at 3:20 pm #332161
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by anita.
He is looking for a partner to live with and share life with but is open to having experiences with others. He was divorced 2 years ago. I like this idea because it reduces possessiveness and jealousy and replaces it with trust and communication. He told me he likes to help people he cares about with their ambitions and dreams. That his previous relationship failed due to strong dependence and falling for the idea of a person instead of the actual person. I did mention my previous ex that it was unhealthy because of drinking I didn’t know what kind of person I would meet each day and he basically said good for you. He mentioned about the site and asked me what drew me to it and I told him I wanted to be spoiled back instead. That I am looking for an emotional connection but do not have expectations after that. We are both a little bicurious as well. And we both agreed that it takes awhile to get to know someone. He texted me thatI was exciting afterwards.January 8, 2020 at 3:24 pm #332165
I will read your recent post (and anything you may add to it) when I return to the computer, which may be as long as 15 hours from now).
anitaJanuary 8, 2020 at 8:21 pm #332205
The sadness of missing him kind of creeps in. Like missing his smile or the way he talks. I think this excitment was a good distraction. I do have a dinner date tomorrow. I am honestly afraid when I speak with my ex again. After our month of no contact. I kind of contradicted myself when I stated previously I just need to be single and now I am going on dates. I haven’t prepared anything for the week such as food or laundry. I read some documents for work but didn’t hone down on learning. Wise minded choices to repair this situation would probably be to go to bed as early as possible and wake up early to finish tasks. Taking care of myself in basic ways feel so strenuous it is kind of silly.
Part of me wants to break the no contact with my ex just to confirm with him I don’t want anymore contact with him ever. So he isn’t hoping for a month.January 9, 2020 at 8:18 am #332267
You “ended up enjoying lunch with someone really cool and smart”- before you become physically intimate with this man, if you do, make sure that he is not only cool and smart (and very handsome and maybe wealthy) but also an honest, decent person who is not likely to hurt you.
“I don’t know what my exact thought process was”- you were impulsive, had lunch with a man, but it is not too late to engage in a thought process post that lunch. You don’t have to meet him again impulsively. You can decide if to meet him and where.
“He told me he likes to help people he cares about with their ambitions and dreams”. Because you met him in a “sugar baby/ daddy site”, I feel confident enough when I assume that he likes to help people he cares to engage sexually with. And I assume that his “ambitions and dreams”, in the context of you being in his life, are sexual.
Focus best you can on work and on having a daily routine where you wake up on time, prepare your meals, have some daily physical exercise and taking care of tasks that need to be done. I am sorry that you feel this need to contact your boyfriend/ or ex boyfriend, whatever he was to you (what was/ is it?).
Regarding the dinner tonight with the “sugar baby/ daddy”, please do not spend time with him outside the restaurant: not in your place, not in his place, and not in a hotel/ motel room, or any such place.
January 9, 2020 at 8:29 am #332273
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by anita.
Thank you Anita I will do my best to take good care of myself and get back to building my sanctuary. How do I determine if someone is trustworthy?
How they treat wait staff? Body language? It takes time to know. This sounds weird but I usually find out 6 months in if someone has a temper. Maybe I can ask him how he resolves conflict.
I am hoping getting back into the swing of work will help me get my brain straight instead of on this hunt to fill the void that won’t be filled by impulsiveness.January 9, 2020 at 8:42 am #332279
You are welcome. “How do I determine if someone is trustworthy?”- let’s use the example of the man you had lunch with yesterday and plan to have dinner with this evening. You determine if he is trustworthy by first determining what you expect from him. Let’s say you expect him to show up on time for the dinner date. When evening comes, if he shows up on time, you determine that he may be trustworthy as far as showing up on time (future dates will determine a continued trust in this regard). If you expect him to pay for dinner, you see if indeed he will be paying for dinner. If he does, you can trust him to do so in the future (future dinners will determine a continued trust in this regard).
As you go to dinner with him this evening, listen to him but do not go anywhere with him before or after the restaurant, no alone time because you have no valid reason to trust him as to what he will do if you are alone with him. You spent time with him at lunch, in a public place, so you can trust him to behave cordially when in public. But not in a place where he is alone with you. Nor can you trust yourself – can you- at this point regarding what you will do if you are alone with him. So don’t be alone with him.
I suggest that you share here with me what happens this evening with him, what he said, what you said, anything and everything you want to share, and we can.. sort of get to know him together. I will read and give you my feedback after you post about dinner and we’ll take it from there.
anitaJanuary 9, 2020 at 3:16 pm #332359
I am trying to think of a graceful way to cancel the dinner. This is just way too much for my head to wrap around. And I need to take care of myself and All the things I have to do.January 9, 2020 at 3:19 pm #332361
I cancelled it. I can try to find a better focus on building my sanctuary instead.