January 9, 2020 at 5:35 pm #332379
You made a good choice, cancelling this dinner. Better indeed focus on building your sanctuary instead!
anitaJanuary 9, 2020 at 8:46 pm #332397
Thank you, I do feel more relieved. I am trying to get the energy to build up my sanctuary but I am stuck in my mind.
Wondering if shame plays a role in impulsive choices. What were my motivations to think and justify this was a good idea?
I am healing the shame slowly but surely but I am afraid and angry. Afraid that I will make choices that will make me feel worse about myself or make others feel forgotten. I don’t think I am a good friend because I don’t keep consistent contact. I worry how I might hurt people and try to avoid that as much as possible, but what if I am not aware that I am hurting people? Trust that they will communicate with me?
And I feel angry that this is a part of my emotional spectrum and that words said in the past echo in my mind. I have tried really hard to replace the voices in my mind with my favorite lyrics or music. Reprogramming the mind is my hope.
And then my mind wanders to how selfish I must be to spend this much time thinking of myself. I need to bring myself to read more books or something.
Sometimes I feel like respecting myself is foreign to me. That I think I am, but truly I am not because it is hard for me to respect what I feel. Like saying yes when I want to say no.
May I ask you what makes you feel the most alive? I hope you are having a peaceful start to your new year with all the weather 🙂
January 10, 2020 at 12:28 pm #332557
- This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by Zeeza.
“I don’t think I am a good friend because I don’t keep consistent contact”-
– it is not a good idea to be a good friend to an enemy, is it. I mean this man, who expressed clear disrespect to you, better not be any kind of a friend to him, better not have any contact with him.
Shame is tough, a very unpleasant experience, to say the least.
What makes me feel most alive? What comes to my mind is a feeling I had maybe a week ago. It was morning time and I felt what I felt many years ago, when I was a child or very young, it was that call-of-the-wild feeling, the desire in the beginning of the day to explore that day, to explore what is out there, an intense interest, a curiosity, a sense that what I will discover out there on that day will be wonderful.
I didn’t have this feeling for ages and it didn’t last long.
anitaJanuary 10, 2020 at 10:15 pm #332637
That is beautiful, a burning curiosity to explore the world! One of the reasons why I loved working in childcare so much was seeing their expressions of amazement and curiosity and being able to make a curriculum for them to explore! One of my favorite days at work was when I brought a caterpillar in for the kids to see. We spent the week working on the Very Hungry Caterpillar so they were all very excited. We let the caterpillar outside together and it was one of the cutest moments.
I have been good about not contacting this man.
My dad randomly called me. He is always so proud of me that he randomly hands the phone to his friends who have only heard about me via my dad. This is what he did on Christmas.
It can be really difficult to understand my dad over the phone but over the years I have learned how to understand what he is slurring when drunk.
Tonight he calls me about injuring his finger. That he removed a screw that went into his finger and he thinks it hit the bone. I told him to go to the doctor just to get a tetanus shot at least. He replied that “I don’t need my pinky finger”
Whenever I speak with him, it is 98% listening and 2% speaking. He really wants to come out and visit me. He said he is proud of me for moving out west because he always told me the west is the best. I honestly don’t remember him saying this but wanted to humor him.
Anyways it was my brother’s birthday and my brother refused to speak with me. My dad got mad about it and raised his voice. After awhile I finally talk to my brother. Wish him a happy birthday and ask him what he likes to draw and I wish I could see it, kind of a thing and that sorry about all the hassle with the phone and that I hope he sleeps well and that I love him. He was very short in most replies.
My dad later goes on to explain how that was only the second time he has ever raised his voice with my brother. The first and only time was when he tried to run out into traffic. My brother just turned 14 so I was trying to explain to my dad that it might be a teenage thing and sometimes we all need space to cool off. My dad hardly ever yells. We both reflected on the one and only time he yelled at me was when I was swimming underwater by motorboats.
My dad was ranting about how he cares about people and at the same time they don’t respect him. That I am the only truly safe person he knows. That I am his number one. That when I was born no one told him about it but when he found out he fought to see me. He always tells me the story that when he first saw me it was like he was hit with a baseball bat of love. As I grew I would see my dad when I visited my grandma. I never spent the night at my dad’s house. I can understand why looking back his house was always messy with beer cans. One day while I was under my dad’s care, I had to of been about 4, I jumped off a swing thinking I would land on my feet and landed on my face. My dad was there immediately because I distinctly remember his striped shirt being on my face afterwards. I remember my mom and grandma fighting about what actually happened to me. Apparently I had two black eyes. Whenever my mother would yell at me about how I have a terrible dad in the future she would tend to throw in something like “you didn’t fall and hit your face your dad was probably not paying attention and shut a door in your face as you were following him!” Anyways my dad and I were reflecting on this history and he says he thinks from that point on he wasn’t really trusted to have me fully and all he wanted was to spend time with me.
He really wants to come visit me. He talks about it like he is moving out here and then I say just come for a visit! My dad has spent many years fighting with a black belt in Kenpo. He really wants to see Bruce Lees Grave. He said he was worried about cramping my style but I told him he could visit any time. Seems to me that I am an escape for my dad. Escape from people stressing him out and life. He tells me all his old fighting stories and things he has done. I told him I wanted to make a legend book out of it. He said nobody cares. Which I replied with I do! He then went ranting on about how each time you get hit or a concussion it is easier to have one. I am worried about him but I can’t save him.
He does call me whenever something bad happens and I try to support him the best way I can. I don’t really know how to reach out to him. There was one time a year ago, I was short for groceries and he did help me. He use to call me daily to remind me to do pushups that year. I do feel like out of all family members I have, I am the closest with my dad.January 11, 2020 at 6:56 am #332673
You wrote about your father “(he) always tells me the story that when he first saw me it was like he was hit with a baseball bat of love”- I believe it.
“That I am his number one”- he may feel this way, yes, but he has not and is not able to put this feeling into actual practice. Nor has he been able to put into actual practice that “hit with a baseball bat of love”.
I don’t think that it is a good idea that he visits you, even if he will be able to make it happen.
I suppose your brother is suffering there with your father. Even if his father yelled at him only once.
But in a desert of love, when love is rare, your father’s words and sincere sentiment mean a lot. Interestingly it is more than some people have.
The curiosity, the excitement, that joy of anticipation that children experience, it goes together with youth. Nature made it this way so that young people (and young animals) are motivated to explore and look for food and shelter and a mate and so on.
January 11, 2020 at 9:56 pm #332797
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by anita.
Thank you for helping me see things realistically. I think he internally wishes to not just speak of love but be it. When I was 18 and first moved out west, I was obsessed with leaving each room I was in brighter. Talking to all strangers and giving as much positive energy as I could. Because the world needs more moments of love. I don’t know why this faded over the years. Over time I think I became more aware of other people’s agendas and started seeing the world as less friendly. I went from a small country town to big cities. I don’t think I ever lost anything or regretted ever helping or listening to someone. It as if in that moment of being loving I feel loved in the existence of it.
It is painful to always have the promise and the hope from my dad but learning to not expect a delivery. I try really hard to not make him feel bad about it because I don’t want him to feel bad. I know he deals with a lot of shame too. It is just the way he is at the moment and for who knows how long. Who knows how much time he has left on this earth.
If he were to visit me it would culturally shock him. Would be cool to have a proud parent. I would have to do extra cleaning and try to manage. Would it be a bad idea to visit because I might get my hopes up for a positive interaction to not having one?
I feel sad thinking about my brother. Last time I saw him he jumped up and hugged me so tightly. That was 3 years ago. I wish I could get him a phone so I can speak with him regularly. Maybe when he is older? When I left my mom’s house I felt so guilty about not taking my brothers with me. Now I just feel bad living as far away as possible it seems. Makes it hard to see them grow. I could at least send cards or art.
They say you need 12 hugs a day. I try to hug my animals as much as possible. I have many friends but they are all far. I don’t really see anyone in my day to day life. Except co-workers. I felt a little isolated at work today because I volunteered to work at the super station (basically it is separate from all other stations and you stand instead of sit). I stood most of the day today. I generally love the super station so I can focus. But I felt socially isolated for some reason today.
I had opened a box of supplies yesterday. Saw that one of the glass pieces broke but there had to be at least 50 more vials that weren’t shattered. So I asked the team if I should use it or not and we just decided to use the corner that didn’t have broken parts. The next day my boss and her BFF she hired have a huge ordeal about the fact that we opened a box with something broken in it. I had put sticky notes on the box that there is something broken in this corner and to open from this corner. (the vials are in a clear plastic bag in the box). In our lab communication channel the lab manager posted do not open any supplies that are broken. I felt mad at myself about this. And especially at the recent coldness from the lab manager’s BFF. Last week she was begging me for help in audio engineering. I sent her software I have and I was going to show her how to adjust different settings for recordings. After I sent it to her she never responded but later on said she was having a bad cold. It feels like there is a weird powerplay with my lab manager and her BFF. The coworker who was previously fired for “making too many mistakes” was hired at the same time as her BFF. From what I could gather, the fired employee was much farther along the training process than her BFF was. Her BFF has been learning things right before I get the chance to learn it. Her BFF has been there for 5 months while I have been there for 3. Anyways it just feels like whatever idea her BFF has or issue she brings up has a lot of power compared to the rest of us. I get frustrated because she takes so long to complete her part of the work that the rest of us have to work even harder to pick up the slack so we can all get home at a decent hour. To fix all this overthinking at work I bought myself a new pair of headphones. So if I am alone working at least I won’t be in pure silence anymore (or ruminating).
Over the past year I have learned that I am capable of trusting myself to get through no matter what. And you have helped me see that. Thank you for listening to me and helping me think. I truly feel less alone. I really do want friends I see regularly and be social. I have another opportunity to attend CoDa this Tuesday and Wednesday. I really hope I follow through.
I hope your healing path has been bright and you feel like you belong too.January 12, 2020 at 12:46 am #332813
I can’t sleep for the life of me so far. Made some tea to calm down. My mind is so loud it is hard to focus on sleep. I realized I have this pattern of telling myself I have no food (even though I do), so I become lazy about eating, only for my food to go bad. I try to shop better to prevent this but it has been going on for years. I feel really lonely and I think sometimes it is hard to let love in or to feel accomplished. I deny myself happiness in the weirdest ways. Knowing healthy choices and following through seem to be two different things.
There was one weird point in the lab today when I looked up and everyone was gone except me. I didn’t know how to interpret it except for the fact that I wasn’t invited to the meeting (if there was a meeting) so as I am trying to fall asleep I become paranoid that I might lose my job. I can’t be certain of the future but I can trust I will handle it in the best way I can.January 12, 2020 at 12:39 pm #332905
You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes for you. I hope you slept some last night.
“When I was 18 and first moved out west, I was obsessed with leaving each room I was in brighter. Talking to all strangers and giving as much positive energy as I could. Because the world needs more moments of love. I don’t know why this faded over the years”- I think you gave as much love as possible to the world because you received so little, so you enjoyed a bit of love by proxy, by giving it away. But you were running on almost empty and finally you were empty, just as when you started.
“Over time I think I became more aware of other people’s agendas and started seeing the world as less friendly”- the world was as less friendly for you in the beginning, at home, and too often along the way as an adult. This man, hopefully an ex boyfriend we talked about recently, he was one of those very.. less friendly, and to a lesser degree perhaps is your lab manager, less friendly.
“I have this pattern of telling myself I have no food“- perhaps underneath it, is the thought: I have no love.
I suggested that it is not a good idea for your father to visit you because he is mentally unwell and deep in his sickness. If he visits you I know that you cannot help him and I am afraid that he will drag you down with him.
I like the idea of you working with headphones on and focusing on your work. Stay away from workplace politics, favorites and such, do your work as long as you get fairly compensated for it, or compensated in accordance to market value.
Stick to whatever is healthy and stay away from what is sick. Believe in yourself as a woman born to be free, free from sickness, free from invalid guilt and shame.
I hope to read next that you slept better, rested.
January 12, 2020 at 11:09 pm #333047
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by anita.
You are so sweet. what kind words to say. My headphones I bought were for the wrong type of phone and I don’t know why but it just made me laugh. Today was a lot smoother at work. I truly do wish to be free and far away from what is sick.
I feel really happy. It snowed and it feels really nostalgic. I grew up in snow and it is rare for me to see!
for some reason a random worker in a gas station gave me a hug (he didn’t speak english that very well) and normally this kind of thing freaks me out but it felt nice to be hugged. Then he was kind of walking me towards the back and I resisted half way. I realize now that maybe i was in a weird situation. But at the time I thought someone was being friendly and I best get on with my day.
I had this wonderful thought, that when I die I will feel so loved for just having existed. That life has been gifted to me. I like this idea very much. I wish to believe that love is not a finite thing. That they way nature evolves over time is an act of love. If love is defined as preserving and nurturing life.January 13, 2020 at 9:22 am #333137
It is snowing here as I type these words to you. I am sitting in front of a sliding glass door and it is all in front of me, the trees with branches covered with snow, a thickening layer of snow on the deck.
The random worker at the gas station who hugged you, and it felt nice to you, to be hugged, then he walked you toward the back.. see, it felt nice, it felt like love, didn’t it? But it wasn’t. If you look only at corner of a picture, just the hug, maybe it is love. But if you see the picture, the hug + him walking you to the back of the station, it is not love.
We have to distinguish between what is love and what feels like love, but is not. We have to look at the big picture, not just this or that corner of the picture.
Many lives are damaged and shattered all over the world right now, as I type this, as you read this, as the snow falls.. because women mistaken what feels like love, to be love.
And not just by men seeking sex, in a forward way like that gas station worker. But by our own parents, who give us a bit of this and a bit of that, words and sentiments and gifts here and there , but overall, when you look at the big picture, no… not really love.
anitaJanuary 13, 2020 at 11:43 pm #333301
Awe how beautiful to enjoy the snow. I love the sound it makes beneath my feet and how it seems extra quiet after it snows.
“We have to distinguish between what is love and what feels like love, but is not. We have to look at the big picture, not just this or that corner of the picture” Absolutely, sometimes it hurts to realize how much we can distort reality to make it less painful. A part of science is being able to ask the right questions and see the forest for the trees. I feel like developing the ability to take emotional social risks (such as trust and being vulnerable) involves being able have solid instincts to rely on. And I do not trust my instincts completely but I do trust myself to be rational (asking the right questions and validating answers with objective evidence).
I quit vaping tonight. Thankfully I hav a box of patches prepared for that day for when I would want to quit. I think the snow plays a factor and also growing to adopt the idea of being a woman free of sickness and invalid shame and deserving of love. I want to spend my weekend in a deep health cleanse. Treat my life like I would take care of the lab. As if trying new things are experiments and harvest curiosity.
The idea of quitting nicotine came to me when reflecting on how I quit cigarettes. My bronchial tubes weren’t cooperating and I needed to get a breathing steroid treatment at the hospital. Feeling that made me realize how I need to take better care of myself.
In some ways our ego is what thoughts we are attracted to. I do believe in freewill and I am so fascinated about epigenetics. How genes change over time based on stimuli. Building new neuron pathways in our brains is absolutely possible, slowly but surely. Being open enough to receive all emotions as a physiological response indicating careful choices needing to be made.
I will be 27 this month and it will be 10 years since I was first hospitalized in a mental health care facility. When I received my diagnosis of PTSD and later on BPD. I really like to think of it as post traumatic growth. I was very suicidal at the time and felt like I didn’t deserve to live. I started a new mantra of I deserve to live and many other positive thoughts. Throughout time I have survived through so much that I feel coincidentally lucky. During the second hospitalization I was manic with a delusional world I created. That the universe spoke to me about everything is energy and love is energy. Our environment may impact us but we also impact(gently influence) our environment. Mindfulness and patiently accepting that this too shall pass. That I had a choice to feed the positive energy or negative energy within.
I use to have so many hobbies like making music digitally, playing my ukulele. I had struggled to get a free 100 year old piano in my apartment but I am learning how to fix some of the keys. I bought a sewing machine. A colored printer and made friends positive stickers. I use to paint all the time but I have been working in only black and white. I use to read so many books with an exciting curiosity. So many thrilling things to learn how to give an expression of love creatively.
My animals mean the world to me and I am so grateful to have such lovey snuggly animals.
I use to believe in this sense of higher consciousness. An idea of complete awareness that allowed one to zoom out far enough to unleash the mind to get through suffering and change for the better. Higher consciousness is like tapping into the power of thought(mind over matter). Choosing words to carefully as if they are prayers to the universe. As if thoughts harvest beliefs which invokes actions that help manifest dreams. However the pitfall to this is that it is almost impossible to control every thought, also relying on positive thoughts to make changes isn’t as effective as analyzing things rationally/neutrally. I think the source of my addiction of nicotine stems from wanting the ability to release my thoughts and let go. I am hoping to achieve this goal through other means. I think it is an illusion to believe that nicotine actually provides true peace of mind.
I wonder if it is possible to make friends at CoDa or if that is inappropriate.
I hope you enjoy your day and find a moment of curiosity that sparks joy within you.
January 14, 2020 at 6:59 am #333341
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by Zeeza.
Unfortunately during my walk in the snow I slipped and fell on my back, bruising my chest muscles and am in pain. It happened in part of the road where vehicles caused the snow to melt and I slipped on a thin sheet of ice. I get very anxious when I get injured, hardly slept and passed out at night time when in the bathroom. This injury is my “History on Repeat” because a year ago I had a different fall which twisted my ankles badly, took me six months or so to recover from that.
Congratulations for quitting vaping, and for “growing to adopt the idea of being a woman free of sickness and invalid shame and deserving of love”.
I didn’t know you were in a hospital for breathing difficulties because of smoking nicotine. You will be 27 this month, ten years since you were hospitalized, at 17 and received your PTSD and BPD diagnoses- ten years of “post traumatic growth”- I like your wording, post traumatic growth following a diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder. I am glad you survived that time and that you grew since!
And there was a second hospitalization, “manic with a delusional world”, the universe spoke to you: “everything is energy and love is energy”. I like what you wrote here: “I had a choice to feed the positive energy or negative energy within”-
– this brings me to my fall of yesterday. I fell, lay on the frozen ground and felt my chest hurting, walked the rest of the way home with that pain (the way was short but seemed endless as I walked quickly with that pain, endless), got home and found myself very scared, ventilating perhaps. I thought the fear will take over me. I then relaxed some, had a hot bath.. but lying down later in bed, the pain was worse and I never sleep on my back, had a sleepless night, passed out in the bathroom and thought I was dying, including this morning, I didn’t think I will make it to tiny buddha. My energy was definitely negative. It is way more positive now. I think I will survive this fall, this pain. Telling you about it right here is helping me, and your statement about negative and positive energy is helping me as well, so thank you!
Back to you, you shared about your many hobbies, digital music, ukulele, piano, sewing, painting, “reading so many books with an exciting curiosity”, “So many thrilling things to learn”- this is positive energy and it is encouraging me as I read it, because I can still learn even though my chest hurts and will continue to hurt for a while and as I can’t perform physical tasks like I did before (bruising needs time to heal).
You used the term “higher consciousness” as a way to “get through suffering and change for the better.. mind over matter”- quite amazing, it is as if much of your recent post is directed at me at this time of hurt.
I wish you the best in combatting your nicotine addiction. Regarding coda, whether it is appropriate to make friends there- when I attended the meetings, after the meetings concluded, participants would go to a diner and eat or have tea of whatnot, it was called “fellowship”, so fellowship is very appropriate to the program.
Thank you for your good wishes for me and I wish you the same!
anitaJanuary 14, 2020 at 10:04 am #333427
Miss Anita you are so strong to bring yourself from the ground to home.
I am so grateful to know you are alright and with a bit of hope after that injury! Have you heard of arnicare cream? It is a cream made from the root of a tree that helps heal bruising and stiffness faster. It is in the pharmacy section often by the bandages, I believe. I hope you have some emergency contact to perhaps help you get around? Do you think you might see a doctor? ( don’t mean to go complete mom mode so please excuse me if I am being inappropriate) but I was thinking sometimes the doctor prescribes this patches that can go on the back or neck that helps relaxes the muscles. I was prescribed this when I had whiplash.
It makes sense to feel anxious, it shows you care about your body! There is something safe about being in the bathroom ( I don’t know if you can relate to this) with the steam on trying hard to breath deeply.
“I think I will survive this fall, this pain.” I love this statement I am going to add it to my quote book.
“this is positive energy and it is encouraging me as I read it, because I can still learn even though my chest hurts” Absolutely and I think I remember you once said that learning is synonymous with healing? Hmm I wonder what you might be curious to learn about. Did you know that in some rural parts of the world they have a language based only on whistling? It is very interesting to listen to.
Thank you for wishing me the best. So far so good. I had a dream my father was looking for me everywhere as if he lost me. and when he found me we both smiled. It was odd because in my dream I actually felt my cheeks rise when you have a deep hearted smile. I think in some ways this dream was a reflection of me finding myself. In some ways maybe we love ourselves through others? That how we believe and feel is evident in our social constructs. I’d like to think that this post traumatic growth allows one to appreciate things deeply in life and love more deeply because awareness offers choices. One of my favorite quotes is by Victor Frankl. He wrote a book called a “Man’s Search for Meaning” in regards to his survival of the holocaust. He said, ” The meaning of live is to give life meaning”.
I had first found this quote in a transitional housing when I was 18. It was in a book previous members would write different wisdoms before the left.
Years later I find the book in college. It can be a hard read but also gives hope to how resilient we can be.January 14, 2020 at 11:16 am #333439
Thank you Miss Zeeza. I will look up arnicare cream. I did use another cream and didn’t think it helped and I am taking Tylenol. My emergency contact is my husband (don’t know if I shared that with you, I did get married later in life). He wanted to take me to the hospital last night but we figured I didn’t fall on my head, and although I passed out it probably wasn’t a stroke or the like.
I just took a hot bath and am warm and comfortable although the pain is still there, depending on position and moves. It scares me that if I move the wrong way, the pain is significant. Physical pain scares the hell out of me.
Thank you for adding my statement to your quote book, you are too kind to try to make me feel good by telling me this. And I am impressed that you remember my prior statement: learning is synonymous with healing.
(My favorite beagle, Hunter, just showed up on the deck, all snowy and I am hiding from him because I can’t let him in, the sliding door is too difficult to open and will hurt my bruised chest!)
I didn’t know there is a language based entirely on whistling- I bet people communicate better whistling than talking, fewer words/ whistles- less bull***.
“maybe we love ourselves through others?”- absolutely, all social animals do. Including Hunter.
I read Man’s Search for Meaning long ago, what puzzled me about the writer is that he still believed in god, following the holocaust experience. But it was meaningful to me nonetheless.
“how resilient we can be” indeed! I will drink for that next (water and more Tylenol!)
January 14, 2020 at 12:44 pm #333455
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by anita.
I am not too kind in adding your quote to my quote book. There is a self serving part of that as a reminder the context of this thread, history on repeat, that it is possible to keep moving through each fall. Solidifying my belief of being able to cope.
I hope you can find adjustments that cause less pain as you heal. Hopefully get some well deserved sleep! I am glad you have someone supportive in your life looking after you 🙂 I wonder what caused you to pass out although I am not doctor.
I bet people communicate better whistling than talking, fewer words/ whistles- less bull***. Haha I wonder if language was truly this simple maybe I could understand my social interactions more easily.
I hope I can build a strong relationship with someone and learn how to love fully.
“I read Man’s Search for Meaning long ago, what puzzled me about the writer is that he still believed in god, following the holocaust experience. But it was meaningful to me nonetheless.”
I wonder that if in some ways god or religion allows people to develop a like new fantasy bond to one’s own imagination instead of a person or the outside… Something unconditional to connect to in times of stress. I’d like to think my version of this as higher consciousness.
I think I will get started on all the tasks of was dreaming of doing yesterday. Feeding the positive energy 🙂