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  • #333457
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I think I will survive this fall, this pain- as a reminder in the context of this thread, history on repeat- excellent point. “it is possible to keep moving through each fall. Solidifying my belief of being able to cope”- well said, this goes into my quote book!

    Yes, I am tired, I do want to sleep, and it is only 1:19 pm here. What caused me to pass out.. maybe it was taking Tylenol and drinking some red wine last evening, could be the combination. None this evening!

    I think our social interactions would have been easier, for everyone, with less words. “I hope I can build a strong relationship with someone and learn how to love fully”- imagine you and a guy agreeing to a very limited vocabulary, have a list of words to choose from as you talk to each other and none more than that… I wonder if that will do it.

    “I wonder that if in some ways god or religion allows people to develop a like new fantasy bond”- excellent point, says I: first, fantasy bond for so many of us with lousy parents is, imagining we had a good parent. Second, fantasy bond to a good (biblical) god made in the image of man, a substitute parent.

    I think that I will go to bed soon, see what happens. Good communicating with you today, very good. May positive energy fill each one of us for the rest of the day.

    anita

    #333609
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I hope you are feeling better today? and had a chance to sleep?

    I wasn’t successful in quitting vaping yet. Made a schedule and a list of things to do that I haven’t completely started on yet either. It is very easy for me to get stuck thinking and daydreaming and then hours go by. I have another chance today so I am going to try my best. I wonder sometimes if I could have a no BS language with myself. Maybe I wouldn’t become so lost in thought.

    Zeeza

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by Zeeza.
    #333619
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    What a relief: I did sleep very well. This time I positioned myself on my side from the beginning and it worked. I am still hurting and took Tylenol just now, but less so. The snow here is thick and even though I used to walk outside, doing my regular 3.5 miles loop on days like this, I will not be doing it today, don’t want to reinjure my chest/ shoulder (where I feel the pain still).

    Aim again at quitting vaping, learn what didn’t work in the past when trying to quit and figure a new way, something different to do, or not to do, today.

    I understand getting “stuck thinking and daydreaming and then hours go by”- spent a whole lot of my earlier life this way.

    “no BS language with myself”- absolutely possible, this is in the core of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy- changing what we say to ourselves, aka our thoughts from distorted thoughts to realistic thoughts, thoughts true to reality.

    anita

    #333637
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It makes me happy to hear you have had some relief and making helpful choices to heal.

    I use to dance for exercise and get errands done. Maybe I should set a playlist for that kind of day.

    It is a relief to hear that you have experienced this before and that you have become healthier and have healthy relationships.

    There is a sweet gentleman I have been friends with over the years. He does live close by and I haven’t seen him in awhile. He use to watch my pets sometimes. I had a crush on him but at the time he was about to travel the states. 20s seem to be such formative years that it is hard to develop a long lasting bond because we are still discovering who we are in some ways. What seems strange to me is a lot of people my age seem to be polyamourous. I am not sure how I feel about that. Seems to me that it is hard to invest emotional energy into one person if it is being split although it is possible to care about more than one person. I think this gentleman spoke with me about being poly. I don’t think poly has room for the ability to build home with someone.

    I did 6 month program of DBT therapy a few years ago. In the fall I went to one therapy appt and didn’t go back for the second. She asked me to think about what I would want out of therapy and I couldn’t think of anything but vague reasons.

    They say change happens when the discomfort of not changing becomes greater than the discomfort required to change. In some ways this is all perspective. I think I desire true to reality thinking so much I overthink haha.

    #333645
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Thank you. “There is a sweet gentleman.. used to watch my pets sometimes.. I think this gentleman spoke with me about being ply”-

    – what makes him a gentleman, as opposed to a man, what is his gentle?

    anita

     

    #333655
    Zeeza
    Participant

    He is very thoughtful and considerate, such as offering a coat when cold, and he is so affectionate with my animals. He listens whenever I am upset without judging me. He shares openly what is on his mind and the struggles he goes through. He bought me tickets to a band I wanted to see badly and tried to get me to come. But my social anxiety kept me at home because I didn’t want to park in the city and walk to the venue at night by myself without pepperspray. (He had to be at the event earlier otherwise I would of made it). And he understood and didn’t make me feel bad for not coming. I  have known him for 5 years as a friend I see every once in awhile. He never ignores me. And in my eyes he respects me because I am never brushed to the side or treated like my emotions/ideas are a time drainer. He doesn’t make me feel less than and he is flexible with understanding anxiety and the ability to leave the house.

    Recently remembered what my ex, this man instead of gentleman, told me I need to work on self preservation. Maybe this was a kind way of saying you are too easy to push over. I don’t know.

    #333669
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Well, reads like a gentleman indeed. (I didn’t understand your last two lines paragraph).

    anita

    #334081
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I had my performance review at work and they gave me a two dollar raise; I couldn’t believe it. I am having a little drink tonight to kind of celebrate. I hope you are healing up well? Glad you could find a comfortable sleeping position 🙂

    I was reflecting about connecting to a Higher Consciousness; Mindfully aware to choose to either feed the positive energy or negative energy, is in some form growing a sense of self worth. I have been so focused on developing healthy rituals and accomplishing goals to repeatedly fall short. It dawned upon me that I am completely capable to eat normally and keeping spaces clean, that I am completely capable of surviving and managing many things.

    I just felt like I didn’t deserve it underneath it all. As I fall asleep and wake up I hear thoughts like “how could you, or why are you so dumb, or so bipolar of you, why are you so awkward, how can you be so forgetful? why don’t you ever plan ahead? why are you so lazy?”

    During the time period when I had to get breathing treatment and quit cigarettes… 3 days after I was out of the hospital, I got my first tattoo. I had planned for this tattoo for a year and almost didn’t make it to the appointment. The tattoo was a infinite symbol with reflected shadow. The infinite symbol was filled in with sunrise gradient colors. I got this tattoo as a promise to myself to always believe in myself, in infinite perspectives (that there is always another perspective). It was a promise to not harm myself anymore. I keep renewing this promise and forgiving myself when I become self-destructive.

    The last two lines of my previous post was about my recent ex: how he told me that I need to work on self-preservation.

    Zeeza

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by Zeeza.
    #334101
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    CONGRATULATIONS  FOR   YOUR  RAISE !!!

    My chest muscles are still bruised and hurt but slept very well last night as well. My shoulder hurts some too and for some reason, part of my left hand goes to sleep every once in a while since the fall, I suppose some nerve damage was done, hopefully not permanently. I am looking forward to telling you one day soon that the chest pain is gone.

    Wikipedia reads about the infinity symbol, “in  modern mysticism, the infinity symbol has become identified with a variation of the ouroboros, an ancient image of a snake eating its own tail that has also come to symbolize the infinite, and the ouroboros is sometimes drawn in figure-eight form to reflect its identification- rather than its more traditional circular form.”- is your tattoo the figure-eight form?

    You got this tattoo as a promise to yourself to always believe in yourself, in infinite perspectives, to not harm yourself anymore, to forgive yourself when you “become self-destructive”- excellent aims. Better than forgiving yourself after a self destructive act is preventing it  by noticing the impulse and resisting it. Next time I feel the impulse to take my 3.5 miles walk in the snow/ ice, I have to resist it!

    Regarding “developing healthy rituals and accomplishing goals to repeatedly fall short”- set smaller goals, give yourself more time to accomplish those smaller goals- less chance you will fall short if you set smaller, specific goals that are not so difficult to accomplish.

    You mentioned Higher Consciousness, a synonym may be Infinite Consciousness, seeing possibilities, seeing the bigger picture.

    Good to read about your raise, your hard work and perseverance is paying off!

    anita

    #334245
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I hope your arm doesn’t get too numb. Worries me a little but im glad you are feeling better.

    I have a lot on my mind and hope to share it. I am painfully learning to stop seeing the corner of a picture. See the bigger picture. And it hurts sometimes when it is proof someone doesn’t care. When I so badly want a family. It is like double pain. Reminder that I am alone, when I get my hopes up that someone might care. Thank you for your support Anita. Sometimes my brain tells me no one cares. And I know that isn’t true. Had weird passive thoughts today. My mind went to I should just end myself. Which doesn’t make sense because I haven’t had dark thoughts in awhile. I won’t ever give up.

    #334249
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    My arm/ chest is better, greatest improvement was today! I am not worried anymore, please don’t worry about me! I am in a hurry, need to be away from the computer. When I return tomorrow morning, in about 14 hours from now, I will read all of your short, recent post (and anything you may add to it) and reply then.

    anita

    #334277
    Zeeza
    Participant

    I worked 11 hours today and posted earlier on my lunch break. I feel exhilarated like I climbed a mountain and earned relaxation. Work is a wonderful distraction because nothing outside of work really exists. My coworker commented on how I don’t eat much. Sometimes the lab buys us lunch and I don’t really join. Kind of embarrassing but the one meal I always eat is lunch. Just usually alone in my car still lol. I am trying to figure out better ways to sense hunger because I rarely ever feel hungry from my stomach anymore. Maybe if I have a headache or I am very emotional (Like when I posted earlier). Something was seriously wrong with the machines today and it was my first time setting up the machine last night. Someone did double check my work. I can’t help but think it is my fault. Lol sometimes I feel like bad luck.

    Yes my tattoo is a figure-eight form 🙂 so wonderful you are so curious about it. I think ways to prevent being destructive would be to eat 3 meals a day and not just one. and to try not automatically blame everything that goes wrong on myself and try to be solution focused instead.

    I think coping with this break up slowly creeps up and the fear that comes up is abandonment. A good preventative action would be to not contact my ex. I did call him the other day just to catch up about our self care plans. He messages me today about a wedding he went to, he was the best man for, for his roommates I never met after knowing him for over a year. Told me he met a girl sitting at a table all alone and he talked to her for me. Because he knew I was trying to find good friends. I really didn’t understand why he was messaging me all this. Truly I think it is to make me jealous while pointing out the fact that I still am looking for friends close by.

    If I were to tap into Infinite Consciousness right now I would say that if my job fires me for this machine malfunction, at least I can say I am dedicated enough to work long hours.

    I lived before my ex and I live without him. I can’t trust him. I have moved across the country to remove shame and pain out of my life. Zero Abuse Policy. I know have the courage to escape it.

    I broke the time of no contact when I felt really alone and wanted a hug. I am grateful I didn’t see him. I wonder if being really sad and lonely causes an emotional blindspot where I try to see the love in the darkest of things. Such as being passive about a stranger at a gas station hugging me and walking me towards the back. Such as my ex, saying how he cares and would never hurt me.

    I logged into my old FB account today that has all my bloodline family members on it. My mom publicly posted memory of me on New years. About how I use to wake her up right before the ball drops so she can see it. It felt weird to see this because I would of actually received her message if it was directly inboxed. It felt like a weird public display of “see I love my daughter”. The same woman who would hit me and I would have a bloody nose for her to tell me I am too fragile to go to school. Anyways there was also a message from my ex from the summer when I tried to block him everywhere. It said, “I fell in love with you, that was a huge mistake.”

    Once again to return to an Infinite Consciousness. I would say that I need to find a state of mind that is playful and curious again. playful enough to make mistakes as a part of the messy creative process. Curious enough to become interested in something that will drown out the story of “I am bad”. The I-am-bad story just creates a state of mind that looks for ways to prove how I am bad.

    #334299
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    As I read “The I-am-bad story just creates a state of mind that looks for ways to prove how I am bad”- my first thought was: but you are good, Zeeza! It was a confident, no doubt about it thought.

    You thanked me for my support of you, you are welcome, and thank you for your support of me, most recently over my fall of last week, it helped to share my angst with you and receive your suggestions and comforting words.

    “Sometimes my brain tells me no one cares. And I know that isn’t true.. My mind went to I should just end myself”- isn’t it interesting how strong and real the need to be loved? Amazing how so many parents think that all children need is food, clothing and shelter. We need love as much as we need food.

    “I won’t ever give up”- you are my hero, Zeeza!

    In your second post you wrote that you worked 11 hours, that’s 3 hours more than an 8 hour day, amazing. Maybe you should join the lunch offered by the lab, I wish you did. If when you work “nothing outside of work really exists”, no wonder your hunger doesn’t exist either. When you were very emotional (earlier post) you felt hunger- emotion and hunger are similar, part of hunger is emotion, so it makes sense. Do form a plan to eat 3 times a day and make it happen, will you?

    This man messaging you that “he met a girl sitting at a table all alone and he talked to her for (you)” is creepy, suggesting that he is approaching other women and that he is doing it for you. Him telling you long ago: “I fell in love with you, that was a huge mistake” is also creepy, trying to hurt you by saying something that is supposed to be wonderful, like giving you a flower and when you hold it, it explodes in your face, something unpleasant. I do not like this man and I hope he is no longer in your life. You wrote about him: “I can’t trust him”; reads to me that you can trust him to hurt you again.

    The Zero Abuse Policy you mentioned requires not having him in your life. Not having him in your life is definitely a possibility within the infinite possibilities inherent in Infinite Consciousness that I personally recommend.

    “I wonder if being really sad and lonely cause an emotional blind spot where I try to see the love in the darkest of things. Such as being passive about a stranger at a gas station hugging me and walking me toward the back. Such as my ex, saying he cares and would never hurt me”- you sure have a way with words that I like, being sad and lonely causing an emotional blind spot where you see love in the darkest of things. It reminds me a story of long ago, told by a member here: her father cruelly teased her and her mother laughed at the father’s teasing, but didn’t directly tease her daughter. The daughter saw her mother as loving for .. only laughing at the teasing. So I think that when we are very sad and lonely and have no one that really loves us, we do see love in the darkest of things, in this example, seeing love in abuse itself.

    Or your examples: in the gas station, it is seeing just a corner of the picture, a hug and seeing nothing of the rest of the picture: a stranger leading you to a secluded place. The ex, seeing just a corner of the picture, him telling you the words: I-care-and-will-never-hurt-you and not seeing the rest of the picture: all the times he broke his promise.

    On the other hand, no emotional blind spot regarding your mother displaying love on FB but not really loving. Your mother hit you so hard as to give you a bloody nose? I don’t remember you sharing that before.

    anita

     

    #334430
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It is interesting that you pointed out that I didn’t have an emotional blind spot where I think I would have it the most-With my mother.

    Most of my altercations/arguments with my mom happened in the kitchen. My PTSD use to be terrible whenever I was in the kitchen no matter which kitchen. I don’t nearly have as much anxiety as I use to. And that gives me hope.

    I think what prevents this blind spot is that when I actually got a bloody nose (I was 16), normally she would hit me on the side of the head by my ear but she missed and hit my nose with her rings on. When I was over the kitchen sink crying trying to get my nose to stop, and seeing an actual physical damage I knew that this wasn’t ok. It was clear as day. I can actually feel anger at the mistreatment instead of oh I-am-bad. Words, pushes, and smacks felt normal. But for an actual visible injury to arrive made my instincts kick in.

    Sometimes when I get stressed out my hearing goes in and out. As if my senses are zooming into what is the most important. This will happen with my vision as well. My vision will go blurry as if I am checking out and I have to actively focus.

    Yesterday morning, when I read

    “my first thought was: but you are good, Zeeza! It was a confident, no doubt about it thought.” and “you are my hero, Zeeza!”

    kick started my day with playing a song Hero by foo fighters. It felt so beautiful to think of myself as a hero. That I could be strong enough to help. Thank you for sharing strength with me. You are my hero as well. I think as we all cope and learn it helps others learn how to cope as well.

    my goal this weekend is a meal plan implemented and a clean house. I know I am so much happier and calmer when I eat more. And it is my birthday week after all. So I hope to treat myself.

    Describing my ex as creepy, my girlfriend said he was creepy too. I like the way with words in regards to a beautiful flower exploding in my face. That is a great definition of abuse. My mom even admitted to me that is what she does. She fishes and after the other person speaks she will slam it down. My mom can make grown men cry. It makes me sad that she learned to cope with the cruelty in her life by becoming cruel as well. I swore to myself growing up that I hope I never become like that. Now it seems I have become the opposite as my mother would say “you have no backbone”. I give too much forgiveness and look over disrespect because I so badly want love and peace. I think there is a balance. That I can take a stand without becoming cruel. That I can feel anger without lashing out.

    I think what makes me angry most and kicks in my instincts is remembering his laugh as he said that “I wont rape you don’t think you are that special” I know I keep bringing up this statement only because it helps me rile up some instinct. First he is laughing at my previous trauma and fear, and telling me that the self-protection I have isn’t needed because I shouldn’t think so highly of myself.

    At midnight last night, a previous ex from a couple years ago, the one who emailed me, called me. We talked for like an hour about life and our previous professors. We wen’t to college together and lived together. He and I are going to make art together tomorrow and cuddle. I told him clearly that anything more than that would make me anxious. And he said let me know if anything makes you uncomfortable and it felt so nice to talk to an old friend who loves my laugh, and someone who is actively respecting/understanding boundaries.

    “The daughter saw her mother as loving for .. only laughing at the teasing. So I think that when we are very sad and lonely and have no one that really loves us, we do see love in the darkest of things, in this example, seeing love in abuse itself.” I am really glad this person was on the forum speaking with you. This breaks my heart. I wonder what happens to the children who are hungry for love. What happens to the people who think love as abuse. I wish I could take my metaphorical wings and protect. But I don’t think I have that kind of power.

    #334432
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I will be able to read your recent post and reply in a few hours.

    anita

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