January 21, 2020 at 2:24 pm #334456
I had a bit of time to answer replies and started reading your recent post again, but I can’t do it justice if I reply now because I am not focused enough. I know that I need to take your recent post in slowly and attentively. It is possible that I will need to postpone replying to you until Wed morning, in about 15 hours from now.
anitaJanuary 21, 2020 at 7:13 pm #334478
I wonder if the fact that most of the altercations and arguments with your mother happened in the kitchen, if that turned you off to food, or part of the reason. It makes sense that this is the reason why you have lunch in your car when at work and not in the kitchen/ dining area.
Your mother hit you on the side of the head, my mother hit me on the face, her open hand hitting my right cheek, then left cheek, then back to the right side. No blood, no broken nose. It is very interesting how seeing the blood was what made it clear to you that being hit was not okay, “clear as day”.
“Words, pushes, and smacks felt normal”, but blood, a visible injury made your “instincts kick in” and you got were able to “actually feel anger at the mistreatment instead of oh I-am-bad”- what a powerful statement.
“Sometimes when I get stressed out my hearing goes in and out”- do you mean you hear better, that sounds seem louder than they are, and then lower than they are? I want to understand what you mean here.
“My vision will go blurry as if I am checking out”- what do you mean by checking out in this context?
What you wrote about being a hero and thinking of me as a hero as well is beautiful. I wish you woke up every morning with the thought that you are a hero, because you are.
I hope you do establish a routine of eating regularly and keeping your home clean and neat.
H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y, Zeeza !!!
Here is one major reason why you are indeed a hero: you are not like your mother who “learned to cope with the cruelty in her life by becoming cruel as well”. You decided early on to “never become like that” and the world is better for it.
You wrote: “I give too much forgiveness and look over disrespect because I do badly want love and peace”- but you can’t get love and peace from a person who disrespects you! So the answer when disrespected and mistreated is not to endure it and forgive it but to not avail yourself to it, to not have that person in your life!
You “can take a stand without becoming cruel.. feel anger without lashing out”- correct. Cruel people make anger look (and feel) like a very bad thing. But if expressed responsibly, it is a good thing because it protects us and can help guide others to practice respect with others instead of abuse.
Don’t let this man hurt you more before you wake up and figure that he crossed the line (similar to your mother drawing blood that day)- he already crossed the line and he did so repeatedly!
Happy Birthday Week, Zeeza.
I will read the rest of your recent post (starting with “At midnight”) when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.
anitaJanuary 22, 2020 at 8:00 am #334518
You wrote: “my mother would say ‘you have no backbone'”, but would she say that it was her “words, pushes, and smacks” that hurt your backbone and bent it???
Parents often complain about their children for displaying the consequences of the parent’s abusive actions.
That man (I can’t bring myself to call him a boyfriend, even if it is an ex boyfriend) told you: “I won’t rape you don’t think you are that special”. Often I ask members for the context of what was said. In this case, no context can make what he said anything but crude, cruel and just terrible. Now let’s say he said it when angry and drunk, if he didn’t profusely apologized for it and made amends for it, and never repeated such a statement or similar ones, then there is no way that this man can be good for you.
He told you that if he raped you, that would mean you were special, valuable. He didn’t rape you, therefore you have no value. What does it mean? It means that your only value is to satisfy a man’s sexual pleasure and that if its taken by force, makes no difference because your emotions have no value. In other words, your body has a sexual value, your emotions- no value.
Now, how can a man like this possibly be right for any woman???
And why would you still be in contact with him, accommodating his cruelty: you are not cruel. Don’t accommodate his cruelty (by being in contact with him) anymore because when you do, you are encouraging him to continue to be cruel to you and to other people.
Regarding your previous ex with whom you lived during college, the plan you made was for the two of you “to make art together tomorrow and cuddle”. You said that you told him you don’t want anything more than cuddling and he said to let him know “if anything makes you uncomfortable”-
– reads like he may try more than cuddling and expects you to tell him if what he tries is too much, meaning he may expect you to change your mind. How often it does happen, after all, that a woman agrees to some physical contact and after some cuddling, there is more, and more.. Remember your example of the gas station, a stranger hugged you and you felt it was love, even though it was a stranger who tried to walk you to a secluded spot? Agreeing for a hug, in his mind, made the hug a stepping stone for sex.
You wrote that this previous ex is “someone who is actively respecting/ understanding boundaries”- if in the past you wanted to only cuddle and he indeed didn’t try to do more, then there is basis in history for your trust in him. But if it never happened before that there was only cuddling (when he wanted more), that he kept at touching you and whatnot until you gave in.. well, there is no basis in history for your trust in him.
Also, make sure you know what you want, if you say that you want only cuddling for the evening, or night, don’t change your mind that same evening or night. And better make it an evening, not a whole night.
“I wonder what happens to the children who are hungry for love.. I wish I could take my metaphorical wings and protect. But I don’t have that kind of power”-
– what happens to children who are hungry for love:… many girls become young women who give their bodies away for men to use because it feels like love to them and they don’t know any better. Many boys become men who stay with women who abuse them for years because they believe this is what they deserve.
“I don’t have that kind of power”- you do have the power to protect yourself from abuse, from being used and you have the power to say to this crude, cruel man we’ve been discussing: you were cruel when you said this to me and I want nothing to do with you because you are cruel! I hope you change your ways and be kind to other people— and then have no contact with him and keep it that way. This way you are doing all that you can do to discourage his future cruelty toward other people: maybe, just maybe he will remember what you said and he will stop for a moment before he spews cruelty out of his mouth to someone else.
anitaJanuary 22, 2020 at 10:13 am #334556
Thank you for wishing me a Happy Birthday 🙂
I had felt a lot of emotions yesterday like an unthawing. It felt courageous to feel my feelings. Yesterday I did message my ex telling him the cruel things he has said is degrading and I will never be degraded again. That turned into him saying I am a different person than when I said all that. I am changing. He said he wanted to get me a spa package for my birthday. I reflected on how when he is unhappy with me he lashes out and when I am unhappy with him I withdraw. I thought maybe this is our fight or flight response to the fear of losing happiness we share with each other? Because we both feel extremely uncomfortable when one of us isn’t happy with the other. When I told him that what he said was degrading etc he said well thanks for reminding me why I don’t deserve love. To which I replied hurt people hurt people. Doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love.
The other ex boyfriend I was going to see cancelled. Saying he called me when he was intoxicated etc and I was like I understand hope you find the support you are looking for.
I think having lunch in my car really does help me feel safe and maybe for that reason. I ate dinner in my car yesterday too haha (because I went through the drive-thru). I hope you had a clear as day this isn’t right and I-am-not-bad moment too? It rare to be able to speak about this uncomfortable topics. When I was in middle school I was too scared to go home with a bad test score. I was in the guidance office and he kept asking me why I was so upset to go home. Told me how about assuming makes an ass out of u and me. Then I did tell him my mom hits me. He asked me to hit the paper with how hard she hits me. It really was confusing moment. This backlashed and turned into my mom being so angry with me. My mom basically told me she doesn’t want me living with her anymore and didn’t want to look at me so I would stay outside until it was dark. I couldn’t turn my light on because electricity was a privilege. I think this is what confused me, that I deserved all that was coming. If I cried my mom would get more angry. It makes sense that “parents complain about the consequences of abuse” because it is too painful for themselves to take blame. I had a journal with invisible ink. That was where I vented how I truly felt. I hope you had a space to vent and be yourself?
Maybe I am being a hypochondriac but I noticed sometimes my hearing in one ear will ring out and fade while I am at work and then I can hear my breathing really loud. My vision blurs out like as if you are to stare at a spot for a very long time and everything else fades around it until the actual spot being stared at fades as well. So to me this feels like a checking out because I am hardly focusing.
Thank you for reminding me that I have the power to say no and discourage cruelty. It feels as if I am reconnecting with my own identity and desires. Connecting to a cause that speaks to me; being able to protect the vulnerable from cruelty. To put more love into the world. Reflecting on how I need to eat and set up a routine emphasizes how my daily actions shapes who I will become. I am drinking coffee and I ordered myself a Passion Planner for my birthday. I used one in college and it is designed to help roadmap your dreams. I will see if perhaps it arrived in the mail today on my way back from the grocery store.
“He told you that if he raped you, that would mean you were special, valuable. He didn’t rape you, therefore you have no value. What does it mean? It means that your only value is to satisfy a man’s sexual pleasure and that if its taken by force, makes no difference because your emotions have no value. In other words, your body has a sexual value, your emotions- no value.”
This reminds in the beginning of seeing him, I was paranoid he was cheating on me because he previously admitted exchanging photos with someone. He said go ahead look through my phone. There were a lot of unsaved numbers and he explained each one being a co-worker etc that he never saves as a contact. Then I found a message that said “let my F** your brains out you st**** C***”
at the time I was like what the hell? and he said he was talking to a prostitute just to talk to one and she blocked him. This moment I am mad at myself for not realizing underneath all of this he has no respect for woman. Even if he didn’t meet this person he talked to her like she was less than human. And the hero in me should of been repulsed by this. It was a confusing night and day personality. He would tell me sweet things like if I was a honey bee he would bring me all the flowers. If I was ever too sick he would take care of me. That reading this text he sent seemed so out of character the cognitive dissonance. I feel angry with myself for being passive with this information. What would a hero do? Tell him he has no respect for women and never speak to him again.January 22, 2020 at 12:32 pm #334578
“When I told him that what he said was degrading etc. he said well thanks for reminding me why I don’t deserve love”- this man is a very dishonest man, you can’t trust what he says. He is very passive-aggressive, that is, he disguises his aggression in nauseating (to me) self pity sentiment and throwing the guilt that he owns, in your direction.
He is guilty for telling you that you would be lucky if he raped you. When you told him how cruel that was, first he told you that he is a different person than when he said that, and next thing is does is to show you how he is exactly the same person he was when he made the previous comment.
He offered you a spa package for your birthday. I suggest you reject that gift and give yourself a way better gift: a life without him package, for your birthday this year and every year!
Eating in your car is fine if it makes you feel safe. I sometimes like eating in the car while traveling.
“I hope you had as clear as day this isn’t right and I-am-not-bad moment too?”- when my mother hit me- no, I didn’t. After slapping me for a while she complained that it hurt her arm: look what you did to me, she said, you made my arm hurt! I felt angry though, I always felt angry when she hit me with her arms, hands and feet and when she hit me hard with those words, most humiliating words she could find while in her frenzy.
Your journal with invisible ink.. you can now type here and the ink is very visible, it is read by people from all over the world, as this is a public forum. The same regarding my words. Neither one of us is invisible. I used to write a lot when I was a child/ teenager (a journaling kind of writing, and poems), and ever since. I still write, but less so, because I type more.
Regarding your hearing and vision, yes, for the longest time I heard sounds louder than they were because my anxiety turned on the volume, or to put it in other words, the sounds got into my ear and got magnified in my brain because of the anxiety there. So neighbors noise for one, barking of dogs outside and so much more troubled me very much. Regarding vision, I was spaced out a lot, not paying attention, so I would either not see or not recollect what I saw for long stretches of time.
It is recommended to have a yearly physical, so I hope you arrange for one and have your ears and eyes checked, not that I read anything alarming in what you shared, but I am not a doctor and a yearly physical is the recommendation for healthy young adults.
“Connecting to a cause that speaks to me; being able to protect the vulnerable from cruelty”- protect yourself then from that man’s cruelty.
Regarding the message that you found in his phone, “you st.. C***”, he said that “he was talking to a prostitute”. It doesn’t matter who he composed that message to, does it. It is crude and rude and cruel no matter who it is sent to. Similar to his comment about raping you, the context makes no difference.
“the hero in me should of been repulsed by this.. What would a hero do? Tell him that he has no respect for women and never speak to him again”- yes. Next time you come across a man who speaks like this, make it quick: tell him: you have no respect for women, and our conversation just ended, for good. And make that happen immediately.
I hope your Passion Planner arrives in the mail today!
anitaJanuary 23, 2020 at 2:07 pm #334694
Thank you Anita,
For the first step, I did cut all ties completely with him. Blocked everywhere. Didn’t even read his response. Just told him we reached the point of no return there is no going back.
Second step I have my planner! I didn’t clean or make meals like I planned but I gave myself an extra day off tomorrow.
I will update more soon just taking baby steps. I feel proud of myself for finally fully letting go. I have been obsessively looking for a new place to live.January 23, 2020 at 3:34 pm #334704
I am so glad to read your most recent post, so glad that you ended all contact with that person. You wrote that you feel proud of yourself- well, I feel proud of you too!!!
Good thing you have your planner and it is okay that you didn’t clean. Please be okay with taking baby steps, and take it easy, best you can. Look for a new place to live, but not obsessively. Don’t rush- baby steps, slow down, you will get farther that way.
I am looking forward to your update, and again: so very pleased!
anitaJanuary 24, 2020 at 3:07 pm #334928
I have been careful to slow down and take baby steps. It reminds me of the flow of water, if you try to pour it so quickly it will splash right out of the container lol. I went to the store and can have sandwiches and breakfast burritos. The easiest-to-make meal plan.
“Your journal with invisible ink.. you can now type here and the ink is very visible, it is read by people from all over the world, as this is a public forum. The same regarding my words. Neither one of us is invisible” This forum helps me not be invisible to myself, and understand the power of words. Sometimes it is very hard to feel anger. It feels much safer to say anger is a strong resilience to protect. If I had a super power I wish it was the ability to end unnecessary suffering. I often thought about switching careers into humanities. Such as working at a homeless shelter or as an outreach program. However, I fear that some of these dynamics might trigger my PTSD. This is why I chose a path in science, to be able to help without becoming too emotionally involved. I also noticed that when I am more stressed, and especially when I lack sleep my mania can flare up. I have practiced counting today to just slow down my layers of thoughts.
Trying to plan a get together in the spring with a group of friends. We are all scattered on the west coast but usually have a gathering at my house once a year. I also might help another friend move a motorcycle across country and visit more friends along the way in the spring. I don’t know how I could move, have guests, and travel all around the same time.
I want to move to be able to save money and be closer to nature again. So far roommate situations is looking like the best deal. I almost wonder if I could find a fun roommate who would rent a house with me near the woods. Like a friend as a roommate where we could have art nights and look after each others pets or something. When my group of friends come to visit I won’t necessarily have to take time off work and could schedule it with my days off as well. Requesting the time off work to travel would be about a week and a half to two weeks, however, I would be able to see my aging grandma, my best friend of 13 years, and the country!
All at the same time I have 5 classes to finish my degree and the more time that goes by it might be trickier to be readmitted to my program. I find it is hard to make life choices when it seems like so much is a sacrifice for another. I am grateful to have a place to live and hope to build home.
I am not letting myself think of him and looking to a better future and the belief that I can change.
I am wondering what is the best way to celebrate life?January 24, 2020 at 3:56 pm #334934
If I had a super power, not only will there be no unecessary suffering, there would be no such thing as necessary suffering!
I agree that choosing science was a good choice for you, better than humanities. Working in the lab with very little interactions with others, working under rules and regulations fits you well; working with people, especially people who suffer, not a good fit, says I.
Regarding mania- Moderation is the practice for you, isn’t it, in each and every way (here is a saying I just came up with: Mindful when Manic) . Spring plans with friends sounds good, and travel plan… Regarding a possible roommate- make sure it is an excellent fit before you choose one.
Five more classes to finish your degree. Reads like you need a long term plan with short term objectives and long term objectives, prioritized.
“I am wondering what is the best way to celebrate life?”- just live choosing to reject and avoid unecessary suffering (because neither one of us has that super power)- don’t reconnect with that man, that’s rejecting unecessary suffering, slow down/ mindfulness in all things and you will avoid unecessary suffering. Also, lower your expectations when you feel very elated, or manic (Mindful when Manic).. slow down so that when you fall, it won’t hurt much. We all fall, you know. Which reminds me, I am almost free of pain from my Jan 13 Fall, but not quite, still hurts some.
January 24, 2020 at 4:35 pm #334940
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by anita.
I agree with you that if no suffering at all could exist would be best. It is hard to imagine learning without suffering sometimes which I think is why I chose the word unnecessary. I had to see the truth with this man no matter how much I didn’t want it to be true and hoped for change.
I am so happy to hear that you are almost pain free from that fall! Hopefully soon you will be able to say it has healed!
Mindful when Manic sounds like an awesome name for an album. Moderation and consistency is hard for me. When I studied, I would focus for hours on end once a week instead of steadily a little bit each day. I think this is why perhaps I am anxious to finish my studies because I have to repair some gaps in my learning. It is the same with art, I will work on one piece for hours instead of drawing a little bit every few days or so.
Realistically, I hope I can find a more affordable place and will stay if not. My friends can visit me but I may not be able to take so much time off at my new job to travel. I would have to prioritize integrating taking classes and working again. I know realistically this is what is best but I feel somewhat trapped by it and paying loans back. Trying to reconnect to the Why of what motivated me to start. To learn as much as possible and contribute to research.January 24, 2020 at 5:16 pm #334946
In reality, without a super power, we really can eliminate some suffering: be mindful/ attentive=> avoid accidents, like the one I had walking on ice (by not walking on ice). Practice healthy habits=> minimize chances of disease, choose who we interact with=> avoid heartache.
If working on a piece of art for hours, or studying for hours does not involve physical risk, then no harm done. We can be mindful when we move fast or work hard and for many hours. It is the rushing in the brain, that fog that comes with mental rushing that is gets us in trouble.
When you feel bad, depressed, uncomfortable.. don’t make it worse by inviting more trouble into your life. Instead, pause.. don’t react to feeling bad, don’t panic. keep your cool and wait for the bad feeling pass, and it will.
anitaJanuary 27, 2020 at 9:17 pm #335440
How are you feeling? I hope your arm isn’t becoming numb anymore. I was able to be successful eating at least 2 meals a day this week.
I was reflecting about all wildcards that life has thrown into the path.
Coping with all these wildcards of life is what I like to call the struggle bus. (originally heard that term from a friend, “We are on the struggle bus together!”)
I have learned how to change a car battery, headlights, and how to break into my own car because I use to lock my keys in my car all the time. It makes me laugh thinking back on it all now. I taught myself how to cook meat, make bread.
When I was low on money I use to put my heavy car in neutral and try to coast most of time while driving. I can’t tell you how many times I have run out of gas. From my own forgetfulness and from being broke. Donated plasma to make extra money so it wouldn’t happen again.
It is easier to look back and reflect how I learned how to become independent. This is the type of struggle bus I want to be on.
Not the struggle bus of self-defeat: When my mind becomes closed that nothing can be solved and I feel helpless. Or as you pointed out, the struggles that could be avoided by learning healthier choices. I think practicing a pause when dealing with stress helps create space to make a choice in responding.
Grounding oneself to the roots of self-belief. I use to count out my breathing as a pause when in panic. I would breath in for 8, hold for 4, and breath out 8. I think I want to restart this practice. I hope to be able to laugh at the silliness of life instead of feeling trapped by it.January 28, 2020 at 9:44 am #335512
Thank you for asking, I don’t remember if my hand went numb lately. Pain is still there but less and I am less afraid of it.
Congrats for eating at least two meals a day this week and for learning how to change a car battery, headlights and break into your own car.. and how to cook meat and make bread, learning skills, practicing a pause before responding, grounding yourself, and making healthy choices overall= thriving on that struggle bus, if I understand the term correctly (?)
anitaFebruary 1, 2020 at 12:55 pm #336212
How are you, Zeeza?
anitaFebruary 3, 2020 at 9:19 pm #336524
I am sorry I haven’t wrote much. I thought thinking and writing out all my thoughts would just put me in a rabbit hole of thinking. My emotions have been bubbling over. I drank once in the past week. Trying to not go to numbing mode.
I went from eating two meals back to one a day. I can thrive on the struggle bus when it comes to figuring out how to make it through and keep going. I try to give myself credit for this as I think of how I have moved to so many places and taught myself how to be an adult.
I struggle to interpret situations accurately and you have helped me dissect and apply logic to situations. I find it strange that I needed your help to figure out how the things he said to me were not respectful. I tried to talk to him and say we can communicate as long as you respect me and went into specifics how of I like to be treated. I told him that I don’t want to be told to “take a chill pill” because it feels condescending like my feelings don’t matter. He got mad and said ” what is F***** wrong with saying take a chill pill? You know what I am going to do tonight? Take a chill pill”.
The second time I talked to him we somehow ended up talking about uncomfortable topics of the past ( he shared with me he us to get the belt and be thrown down stairs). Turned into talking about how we would treat a child. He said he was ok with swatting a child with a newspaper. I told him I believe in emotional coaching and giving logical consequences never corpal punishment. Anyways I have told him over and over I don’t want kids in the past. This is why I worked in childcare to have good life experience with children. He seems to forget this and gets mad. “That’s fine that you don’t want f**** kids with me”
Anyways the next time he tried to call me I was so mad to see his name on my phone. I didn’t answer. I talked with him today and told him I am so angry I have a lot of rage and continuing this is only making it worse. He is like can’t we just get past it and let it go. I was like every time we get past something another thing happens. I am exhausted. I want my life back.
After almost 6 months I heard from my brother. He texted me to wish me a happy birthday. This made me so happy. He hasn’t responded to me saying thank you. But it is nice to know I am not forgotten.
I really want to get myself to a CoDa meeting tomorrow. I will go to a coda meeting tomorrow. I went to the store to buy more pet food and got myself some breakfast burritos. So I won’t wake up too weak to want to do anything, I ate dinner and will eat breakfast.
I don’t want to wake up on my days off again and be stuck thinking on my couch playing music trying so hard to relax but feeling like I am never getting anywhere. Then the whole weekend is over and I feel even more angry at myself.
Instead I want to wake up and instantly get in the shower as if I was going to work. I want to make art. I haven’t made art in over a month. I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow but if it is anger I hope I angrily clean every speck of dust in my house. If I am sad I hope I drive to go see a friend. If I am having a panic attack, I hope I drive with my dog to a beautiful walk by the water (granted if I am calm enough to leave the house).
I don’t know why I keep talking to him and hoping that I can teach or express myself in some way that will make it all beautiful. I am angry at myself about this. I want to use my anger to not let any of the hurtful things said and done to define me.
I have thought about self harm twice in the past week. I know I won’t do it. It just flashed in my mind a couple times and that hasn’t happened in awhile. I am listening to my favorite female metal singers like Otep. They inspire me and I am not sure exactly why but it feels like a safe place to feel.
I will try my best to take it all as waves and keep my thoughts simple. I don’t want to get stuck in rumination. I am sure no one really does.