February 4, 2020 at 6:38 am #336610
No need to apologize, you can post whenever you want. I was concerned, that’s why I inquired. I understand you not wanting to post so to not think yourself into a rabbit hole.
So you talked to this person again, told him that you want him to communicate with you respectfully and you gave him specifics: “I told him that I don’t want to be told to ‘take a chill pill’ because it feels condescending”, and his response: “what is F**** wrong with saying take a chill pill? You know what.. Take a chill pill”.
Did you notice that you asked him to not tell you to take a chill pill and he responded by saying it to you twice? How can he possibly be more disrespectful than answering your request with saying twice what you don’t want him to say, plus a profanity.
Next, you told him many times that you don’t want to have children and got mad: “That’s fine that you don’t want f*** kids with me”-
– notice the dishonesty here: he said “that’s fine” when it is not fine with him. And notice the passive-aggressiveness here: he is softening you or disarming you with the word fine, and then he delivers the punch which is blaming you for being a bad person and not wanting kids with him.
It is similar to previous things he told you, such as when he told you: I fell in love with you- a big mistake. The softening part, so to prepare for his punch (if he softens what he is about to punch, his punch will cause more pain), is that he fell in love with you. The punch is that it was a mistake.
You see, his purpose is to hurt you, softening you and delivering a punch. I remember you shared another thing he said with the same strategy: Soften, Then Punch, (STP, for short, which is by the way appropriate close to STD)).
You told him yesterday: “I am so angry, I have a lot of rage and continuing this is only making it worse” (of course it makes it worse as he STPs you. His response: “can’t we just get past it and let it go”- he is telling you to get past his last STP and avail yourself to his next STP and the next.. and the next.
You wrote that you want to go to CoDa, but what you have with this man is way more than a codependent relationship, it is an abusive relationships. I wonder if there are meetings for people who are in abusive relationships- that will be more fitting to your case, with this STP man.
“I don’t know why I keep talking to him and hoping hat I can teach or express myself in some way that will make it all beautiful.. I want to use my anger to not let any of the hurtful things said and done to define me”-
– You can’t make something beautiful out of aggression. He is in the habit of punching you.. after softening you. Focus on what it is that he is doing: softening, punching… softening, punching… softening, punching. You can think about why he is doing that and why you are taking it, but the reasons don’t change what he is doing. At this point, he is doing what he is doing, STP-ing you because it is in his character. No difference from let’s say, you handling a poisonous snake and getting surprised each time it bites you and you get a fever; you going back to that snake to pet it, to try to explain to it that it is not nice to bite people… what good will that do?
“I have thought about self harm twice in the past week.. and that hasn’t happened in a while”- this person harms you via his STPs, next you think about taking a short cut and doing the harm yourself to yourself, instead of waiting for him to do it.
You have no choice if you want to move forward toward health, then to stop trying to tame and change that poisonous snake. It is keeping you stuck and it exhausts you,
anitaFebruary 4, 2020 at 9:03 am #336628
Thank you so much for your response and for understanding. Thank you for your concern. This thread has been a beautiful healing space and I am so grateful to return to it.
Clear as day, he definitely uses the STP. I seem to have selective memory sometimes and going back and re-reading this thread helps me. Taming a poisonous snake is a great reference. I couldn’t help but giggle when I read that because it reminded me how when I was little I would keep hugging cats even though they scratched me because that is how they play. I was obsessed with kitties; I wanted to be a cat when I was little.
There is a support group near me but I have to call a hotline to become a member or something. That seems out of scale of what I am going through. I don’t know if I am desensitized but he didn’t hit me.
I never thought of self harm in this way but it makes sense. Taking control over the pain. My animals are extra cuddley today so far a great start to the day. I have to actively not read his messages which start out with guilt. “You have ignored me, blown me off, and I won’t have to hear about how you hate me” I never told him I hated him just that I was full of rage. Anyways blocked his number again. and I so hope he doesn’t create numbers to contact me. I hope I don’t listen to his logic and make it my own.
I need to call my grandma today and catch up. I need to focus my priorities on rebuilding my life. I am going to get in the shower now and maybe read a book or something to reset my mind. It is hard to stop thinking about him.February 4, 2020 at 9:42 am #336636
You are very welcome. I am glad this thread has been a healing space for you and hope it continues to be. Well, he is a confirmed STP then, confirmed by you.
You wanted to be a cat when you were little- how unique, I never heard such a wanting before. What about cats fascinate you so much when you were a child?
“he didn’t hit me”- his hand didn’t touch your head as he STP-ed you, but his words activated certain biochemical processes in your brain that caused hormones to be released into your blood, causing your heart to work faster, blood flow lessening in the brain, increasing in legs and arms, body temperature changing and overall, his words caused real, physical changes in your body, and those real physical changes have been weakening you.
Let’s look at a very recent message he sent you: “You have ignored me, blown me off, and I won’t have to hear about how you hate me”- he is working on making you feel bad. He tells you that you hate him, but reality is he hates you.
How do I know that he hates you? Because he repeatedly tries to make you feel bad. The motivation to make a person feel bad is fueled by hate, not by love.
Interesting, isn’t it, that he wants you to contact him so that he will have more opportunities to hate you. Not to love you, but to hate you. Let’s say you contact him yet again, next you ask him- again- to talk to you respectfully; you are not trying to make him feel bad, you want respect so to make a relationship work. But he would take it as an opportunity to make you feel bad- yet again, by saying something like: what about the respect I got when you blocked me last week?
I hope by the time you read this, you already took your shower, and that you have a book in front of you.
February 4, 2020 at 11:01 am #336646
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by anita.
After reading your message I finally got myself going. I think I loved cats so much because to my child mind their purpose was to be loved and adored and animals were my closest friends before my brother was born 🙂
There is a coda meeting near me in one hour and I am basically ready for it. My goal is to drink some coffee in the mean time and perhaps look at my planner and address how I want this weekend to go.
It is easier to step away knowing what I am walking away from. It is very validating to understand how words can activate certain biochemical processes. I can understand why I hid in the bathroom one night and he was yelling at me to get out.
If words can activate certain biochemical processes I hope I speak kindly to myself and live in gratitude.February 4, 2020 at 11:14 am #336652
“to my child mind (cats’) purpose was to be loved and adored”- imagine your purpose being to be loved and adored.. instead of being hated (my point from my previous post to you).
I hope you have a good coda meeting.
anitaFebruary 4, 2020 at 1:22 pm #336670
I went to the meeting but I could not find the building. I am glad I got myself out of the house though. I came home with my favorite ice cream my grandma use to share with me and gave her a call. I am planning to attend a family gathering in the end of august. This is aunts and uncles and other distant relatives. It will be nice to have something to look forward too. My grandma really hopes I finish school. I hope so too because I want to be able to do medical research. I told her I would email my advisor today. I feel anxious to deal with the steps to become involved with school again. Clarifying the why will help keep me motivated.
There is a woman’s only CoDa meeting tomorrow at 6:30. I will try to treat myself with as if I am a cat that needs love haha I type this out as my cat jumps on my lap. I feel sad and hoping to accept and let go.February 4, 2020 at 2:22 pm #336680
I will be able to read your recent post (and anything you may add to it) either in a few hours or Wed morning, in about 16 hours from now.
anitaFebruary 5, 2020 at 11:14 am #336796
I hope you will have a nice visit August. I wonder if you made that call to your advisor today. I know that I procrastinate any and every task that I am anxious about, like paper work and phone calls. The project of finishing school is not a small project, so I understand you feeling anxious about it. Will you be able to finance the rest of your schooling?
If you do attend the women only Coda meeting this evening, I hope that you will let me know later how it goes.
anitaFebruary 5, 2020 at 11:45 am #336802
Thank you for understanding. I have been crossing off my todo lists with a purple highlighter. I paused with contacting my advisor but read your message and reminded myself its ok to be scared. It motivated me to just rip the band aid off. I emailed her with the steps I think I would need to take to be reenrolled. Which is paying off some tuition. I don’t know if my tax return may cover it perhaps.
I have to learn the social grace of requesting time off work to visit my family and to adjust to a school schedule once I figure out how to take the next few steps. I know it is possible to take a class at a community college so it is cheaper and perhaps closer to my work. Work has informed me I can take later lunches. Perhaps I could arrive to work earlier to make up for this discrepancy and go to class during lunch. I need to connect with someone who would be able to check on my pets if I have longer days like this.
I hope that we all are resilient throughout all the experiences we have in life. I hope we never give up. I cry as I fold my laundry but it makes me feel good to know I am moving through and try to see a funny side of it.February 5, 2020 at 12:04 pm #336804
You are a courageous woman, to move through the fear in a forward direction, and you are wise to do so step by step.
At times today, you will feel better and at times, worse- but keep going, be “resilient throughout all the experiences” today, “never give up”!- I am using your words to encourage you and myself, as well as any other person who is reading these words.
anitaFebruary 6, 2020 at 8:33 am #336924
I have not attended the meetings yet. I was concerned that attending at the end of my weekend didn’t give me enough space time to process and apply what might come up.
I have continued cleaning and taking care of myself while listening to podcasts. It is freeing to know that words have so much power. I am approaching healing as feeding my subconscious mind healthy ideas.
I think that words are so powerful because the subconscious doesn’t necessarily know what is real or not. I think this is why meditation and mindfulness is so powerful because it is tools to calm the mind into the present moment.
And the visualizations of understanding are so helpful. For example, it helps me see the harm by imagining I am taming a snake that doesn’t want to be tamed. It helps my anxiety to try new things when I imagine doing it beforehand. Because the subconscious already think it happened. I try to imagine the best case scenarios.
It truly helps me understand mind over matter or infinite consciousness. If I imagine a beautiful light entering my body to heal everything, I can relax and breathe deeply. I scan slowly to remove all tension. Listening to guided meditations at night help plant new ideas into my mind. I feel a empowered to make better choices.
I hope the positive energy flows for all of us. I hope you are doing well Anita.
February 6, 2020 at 8:48 am #336930
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Zeeza.
“It is freeing to know that words have so much power”- this is why it is important for you to not avail yourself to the words that man says to you, to not be there to hear his words.
Guided mindful meditations are very helpful- that was the first thing my therapist at the time introduced to me. Repeating to yourself calming words, and creating calming, or encouraging visualizations is a powerful practice, such as you imagining “a beautiful light entering my body to heal everything”.
Thank you. I hope too that positive energy flows for all of us, and that you are doing well today and every day.
anitaFebruary 7, 2020 at 9:18 pm #337092
Because I look at numbers so often for measurement it always is fun to find triple digits. Your message was 222. For the first time ever today my scale came out to 0.6667 grams. I secretly hope to see all 0-9 in triple digits in one week.
Just opening this thread is very grounding for me. I am able to cope well with the rides of emotions. I had paranoid thoughts that I was being iced out at work and made two mistakes. But I challenged this because people are smiling at me and the manager said this mistake happens sometimes no matter who is doing it.
There was a song playing at the end of the day that just struck some emotional chord in me. Face Down by red jumpsuit apparatus. basically the lyrics are “do you feel like a man when you push her around? ….She say’s this doesn’t hurt, she said I finally had enough” and thankfully it was the end of the day but I just had to get into my car and feel whatever I was feeling. My thoughts went from thinking of all the people who have hurt me and reminded me that I am worthless. To shifting that thought process to I decide how to define my worth. And we all are worthy of love and belonging. I learned this from Brene Brown’s talk about shame. I was originally going to stop by a friend’s but skipped because I was emotionally flooded. This friend I think is romantically interested in me but I am not.
I kept asking why did it all have to happen? Thought that maybe because he hasn’t faced the pain of recognizing that what he has gone through as abuse. And perhaps that normalizes it for him. He hasn’t created any number to contact me thankfully. I think that sometimes it is an act of numbing to try to believe he does love me and we can work it out. But now whenever I think of him I hear his angry voice.
I am going to drive south my next days off to see old friends I trust. Going to keep trying to have positive coping thoughts. It almost feels like very strong emotions come with very strong impulses. I went from wanting to quit my job to wishing to never talk to anyone, however, this kind of thinking passed along with the emotions. It just concerns me how escalated my emotions can become. One of my friends came up with the term, Evernow. The infinite love that is always in the moment of now. I try to remind myself that I can choose my focus, do I want to think of the past or find something beautiful in the Evernow?
My mind keeps repeating I need love and whenever I hear that I just say I am love. I think to be alive is love.February 8, 2020 at 10:15 am #337146
I am glad this thread is a grounding experience for you, keep at it.
“we are all worthy of love and belonging”- please pay attention to the following qualification that I am about to make: your hopefully very-ex boyfriend is not worthy of your love and belonging. A disrespectful person is not worthy of the love of the person he or she disrespects.
Next point is regarding this quote: “My thoughts went from thinking of all the people who have hurt me and reminded me that I am worthless… maybe because he hasn’t face the pain… I.. try to believe he does love me and then we can work it out”-
– as a child you tried to change an unloving parent into a loving parent. A child sees her parent/s as the only possible source of love, she sees no other options. So she will do anything and everything to extract love from an unloving parent. Fast forward, you got together with this man, hopefully, your very-ex, and you didn’t see that you have another option, so you did anything and everything to extract love from him.
Difference is now you are an adult, not a child completely dependent on her parent. You do have options now. Break that pattern of trying to get water out of a rock/ extract love out of a person who is unloving, disrespectful, selfish and even cruel. Look for love where you do have a reasonable chance of finding it.
There are people in this world that better give up hope for them to change, because if you keep trying to change them, you will never experience something other than “History on Repeat” (title of your thread).
“It just concerns me how escalated my emotions can become”- learn to de-escalate your emotions in all the ways you already practiced: calming thoughts, calming visualizations, healthier nutrition.. and most important: challenge your thoughts (ex., that you will be fired for any mistake), and correct false core beliefs (ex., that you are worthless and that you can extract love/ worth from a man who disrespects you) and replace them with true core beliefs, such that are congruent with reality.
I hope you have a good visit with your friends, experiencing Evernow, and post again anytime!
anitaFebruary 9, 2020 at 12:18 am #337236
Thank you for helping me build core beliefs true to reality. I am grateful I haven’t had a flashback in awhile. But the fear of when I locked myself in the bathroom to escape him was real. That feeling of I have to escape. I am connected with that logic that he is my very ex.
He did create a number to contact me today. He said that the earrings he bought me arrived and asked if I wanted them and if not he will just piss on it and burn it. I was so distraught by this I just took a screenshot of it and sent it to one of my close girlfriend who lives far away. Saying I am ignoring him but this is the first number he has created to contact me so far. She later tells me she contacted that fake number and told him to leave me alone. They had an exchange of words.. Anyways I hope it is the end of it but I told my friend thank you for telling him to leave me alone. I don’t know if that would actually help or not but I am not mad she did it. Just surprised. I hope he doesn’t become a stalker.
I will try my best to recognize and not minimize/deny disrespect. I wish to be free of constant vigilance and history on repeat.