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  • #342026
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I would be distraught too, if I was in your place. I don’t know if anyone feels indifferent when being confronted by a visibly and audibly angry person.

    “I don’t know what interpersonal effectiveness skills I need to repair”- I don’t know if it is she who needs to repair her interpersonal skills. When someone is angry at you, it doesn’t make them automatically right, and it doesn’t make you automatically wrong. She may have had a bad day and she distorted in her mind what you told  her; she may have had a fight with her boyfriend, and got her anger out on you. I don’t know.

    When you are in a situation where another person appears very angry (“Her face was red and she had anger in her eyes”)- it is not time for a logical, sensible conversation, so I wouldn’t try to talk sense to a person who is currently very angry. Like my therapist used to say: when your anger is Up, your I.Q. is Down. If a conversation is to take place, make it happen later on, when she is way calmer.

    anita

     

    #342190
    Zeeza
    Participant

     

    Dear Anita,

    Today my mantra was a calm mind brings mental clarity. I showed up to work extra early to get a head start. Then when my coworker arrived I asked if she would like share a discussion. She said that she would like the manager present for the discussion since it didn’t go well last time (the night previously). I felt so much fear in that morning but I calmed myself saying I will keep myself safe. When all three of us sat in the office she asked me if I wanted to speak first or her. I said I wanted to listen. She said many things such that she trusts that I am coming from good intentions and that she considers me a friend and that is why she felt comfortable to tell me directly what was bothering her and not involve anyone else, that work has been extra stressful and everything. She also said she is working on not being passive aggressive and she didn’t like how our conversation went. I said I tried to reflect on how I may of come across that way, and I felt hurt by it because I was angry at myself for not coming across as helpful but as overtaking. She told me if I just said the word Help it would of been different (instead of saying would you want me to put solvent in these test tubes). I became emotional and teared up a little because honestly the whole conversation confused me and I felt scared but I told her I am trying to better understand your perspective and how I come across.

    We did discuss how the project being started at a certain time effects the day and she was under the belief that it doesn’t matter what time the project gets started. So I said I will let that idea go. I tried to explain that I try to think of ways to keep the day from going into overtime because I worry about my animals. We are hiring more people so perhaps this won’t be an issue anymore.

    I was able to let it all go throughout the day and just focus. She started that particular project later and was still working as I left. Normally I would feel obligated to help but that is her project now and I wanted to go home. She did look exhausted and I really tried to understand where she is coming from. Although a part of me wants to keep a real distance from her now.

    I was honestly considering another job route soon if I wasn’t able to resolve this conflict. I would like to say it is resolved but now I am trying to be more cautious and aware.

    Thank You Anita, I will adopt this policy: if someone appears visibly and audibly angry I will plan to have a discussion later when calm. I could say. “Could we please have a discussion later when I am better able to reflect on the situation?”

    My sticker paper will arrive tomorrow so I can officially start printing stickers. I am so excited. I hope you are well?

    Best,

    Zeeza

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by Zeeza.
    #342242
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    If she was sincere, then she took personal responsibility for her having being overly stressed yesterday (“work has been extra stressful and everything”), and for being passive aggressive (“she is working on not being passive aggressive”). While she is working on not being passive aggressive, I would minimize contact with her, if I was you.

    It seems like what happened yesterday is that you asked her: “Would you want me to put solvent in these test tubes?”, and what she heard was something like this: you didn’t put solvent in these test tubes yet.. you are behind on your project, let me take over it then, you are not doing well on your own.

    You intended to help her and she thought you were criticizing her, I figure. I don’t know what tone of voice you used when you asked her the question. If it was any kind of angry or impatient tone, then her interpretation of what you meant is more understandable.

    Glad you received your sticker paper. Yesterday, I saw the most amazing rainbow I have ever seen. It was a huge half circle of a thick, colorful rainbow across the vast sky. I couldn’t look at it much because I was driving and I was driving in the rain.

    anita

    #342440
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How magical to see a rainbow ?! Glad you could drive safely 🙂

    Sometimes at work I start to talk really fast and maybe that is what caused her to hear my words in that way.

    I don’t have to work with her everyday so that is nice.

    I woke up to loud loud banging. I could feel my bed move. I went to the door and nobody was there. Haha I think a neighbor was perhaps touching the walls because my alarm kept going off. This has never happened before and I have calmed myself after that. I might move my phone into the living room for alarms to try to prevent  this from happening again.

    Thank you for helping my dissect and resolve conflicts. I will try to slow down when speaking and present myself as calmly as possible.

    I hope you get the chance to enjoy sunshine today 🙂
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    #342518
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    You are very welcome. I hope that unusual banging doesn’t happen again. The sun is shining outside and I will go out in an hour or so, but the sun is misleading some because it’s quiet cold outside. I hope it’s sunny and warm where you are.

    anita

    #343518
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have been feeling lonely a lot recently. My tolerance break I was trying out didn’t last very long.

    I am facing the reality of accepting how the virus is effecting so much of life. There is no more city traffic. Work is maintaining a 6ft distance rule. I am truly having a hard time finding toilet paper and trying to keep the spirits up.

    I remembered a website that shares genomes from a genomics class I took. I was able to find the genome of the virus. I was looking at GC rich areas (guanine and cytosine nucleotides that are the bases of genetic material) because apparently GC rich areas indicate areas of importance. I am more familiar with human genomics than viruses. Generally genes are turned on or off by a promoter. I am daydreaming of finding the promoter that controls reproduction. If I could find that maybe I could figure out how to prevent the promoter being activated. I don’t know. I wish I could help but I have a lot to learn.

    I was able to save up enough to pay off a little bit of school (thankfully working over time helped with that). My University is all remote/long distance now. Maybe reapplying will make it easier.

    I hope to align my life with the best actions I could take to provide support and solutions.

    I haven’t been so aligned with my choices. I did get back into contact with the STP man. I was afraid and thought of the doomsday plan we had. I have cut contact again with him after that because I can still see he doesn’t respect me. I didn’t cut contact with my mom and she is sending me masks and every day info about the virus. I switch between panic and calm. When I am in panic I realize I am the one looking after myself and I will be okay I don’t need a protector and also trying to soothe people around me. My friends who were going to visit cancelled. All I know is if I can work towards solutions then maybe I can feel like I am building a life worth living.

     

    #343614
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    “My tolerance break I was trying out didn’t last long”- what specifically are you referring to?

    Regarding the Coronavirus scare and reality: do you remember the time before Coronavirus, was there no fear then, or were we afraid of so many other things?

    And when the Coronavirus is over, and we are still alive, will there be no more fear, or will we fear just as before?

    Personally, I’ve been scared since I was a child, scared of my mother. Over decades of life, on different continents, different world economies, different political leaders, all along I was most afraid of the same old, same old: my mother. Isn’t this true to a whole lot of people, that throughout years and decades of life, across time and place, we are afraid of the very same thing we were afraid of as children?

    (I hope you don’t mind 4 question marks in one post).

    anita

    #343642
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I left work early because it is very hard for me to focus and I keep making mistakes. Everyone at work is always talking about the virus and what is going on with the world. Everyone is panicked and it is hard to just focus. I don’t mind questions at all; they are very useful to help me think. Thank you Anita 🙂

    The break I was referring to was a break from cannabis. To see how useful or unhelpful it is.

    “Regarding the Coronavirus scare and reality: do you remember the time before Coronavirus, was there no fear then, or were we afraid of so many other things?”

    My biggest fear is someone pointing a finger at me and telling me I am bad. So it would make sense that this could be a fear rooted in my past with my mother. But I do fear the world dying. I studied science so I could help keep people and the earth safe.

    I fear dying within as well. I feel like I die each time I hurt myself and tell myself awful things of why I hate myself.

    Last night I also went through a history of video clips I have made through out the past 5 years. They are all video clips I attempted to sing and perform a song. I thought I could sing and would want to share. I posted one video once on youtube and once it had 200 views in a day. I panicked and deleted the video because it felt scary to be seen. I think I record these singing videos to try to become more comfortable with myself. However over the years it has turned into you will never be enough. You can’t sing why do you keep trying? It as if these singing videos are like diaries of when I felt I reached my emotional limits and needed to sing myself into strength. Or desperately trying to prove to myself I have worth and that my voice matters.

    There is one song I have written and keep singing over the years. The lyrics I think tie into this fear of what you have described.

    “Down the Rabbit Hole

    Deep in my mind I’ll go.

    I’ve lost my breath again. All the shame within.

    I am the ashes from your fire. I am the lock without a key. I am the question without an answer. It will never fade away.

    Down the Rabbit hole

    is the fear of being vulnerable. Fear of being vulnerable.

    Breathe into a new point of view. Let change surround you, down the rabbit hole.”

    I have been listening to a lot of motivational speeches. One sentence I keep repeating to myself is that I am unbreakable. I know logically I will hurt and have fear but underneath it all is a wish to believe in myself. Believe that I can get through it all and that I have worth.

    A new song that came out has a beautiful lyrics “wrap yourself with petals for armor”. Wrap myself in love to stay strong and alive. I am truly trying. It just hurts to look at all my past videos and see how I have transitioned between loving and hating myself and how strong my hope is to finally be enough. Sometimes I look at my reflection and I think how can I show this ugly face to the world? And I try to stop these thoughts from coming. I have been thinking of self harm lately and I know I won’t get to that point again but I just feel very angry with myself sometimes.

    If only I loved myself, maybe I could share love with the world. Instead of being this black hole disregarding all the positivity that does exist, becoming stuck in overthinking and letting life slowly pass me by.

     

    #343654
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I read just a part of your recent post and will read the rest later. I myself got quite scared in the last couple of hours, after hearing that almost everything is really closing, and no way to get together with other people in public places, such as the taproom we like to go to a couple of times a week. And all the schools closed, this never happened in my lifetime, the shutting down of schools, restaurants.. I need to take a walk outside and let the cool air take me out of this fear state and back to some sense of normalcy. Will be back to you later.

    anita

    #343672
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I can understand taking in the current events being overwhelming. I am trying my best to be well and try to make an effort to contribute to research. I have a sewing machine so maybe I can make masks. Taking constructive actions is the only solutions I can think of. I am trying to face fear and overcome self hate. I guess that is what my previous post was about. I have to try my best to help as much as possible.

    Best,

    Zeeza

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by Zeeza.
    #343692
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Good thing you paid off some of your school debt, (if that’s what you meant by “pay off a little bit of school”), that you cut off contact with STP (again), and that you don’t have contact with your mother. However lonely you feel, still be selective as to the people you allow in your life.

    Regarding you using marijuana again, I wonder how that fits with the psych meds you are taking, and if the doctor who prescribes you the psych drugs know about the marijuana (?). Maybe a complete evaluation of all the drugs you take in (including marijuana)  should be done by a responsible psychiatrist.

    “I fear dying within.. I feel like I die each time I hurt myself and tell myself awful things of why I hate myself.. If only I loved myself, maybe I could share love with the world”- but you do share love with the world. Earlier today I shared with you that I was afraid today, because of the virus situation. I didn’t share this with anyone else but with you (online and otherwise) because I felt comfortable to share it with you. Please do not hate yourself- no matter what you feel, do not act hatefully toward yourself- do no harm to yourself!

    “You can’t sing why do you keep trying?”- but you can sing, so sing!

    The song you wrote: “Down the Rabbit Hole, Deep in my mind I’ll go, I’ve lost my breath again. All the shame within. I am the ashes from your fire. I am the lock without a key. I am the question without an answer. It will never fade away. Down the Rabbit hole, is the fear of being vulnerable. Fear of being vulnerable. Breathe into a new point of view. Let change surround you, down the rabbit hole.”-

    – beautiful, deep, and not only a rabbit hole kind of deep. “I am ashes from your fire”- be the fire, the passion, not the ashes from someone else’s fire. I am not saying that you should or can be passionate all the time, but from time to time be passion. Like Hunter the dog, he is passionate about the simplest things, that kind of passion, capturing a moment of being alive and staying in that moment for a while. The key to the lock is not deep in that rabbit hole, not deep in overthinking, but in simply living today, this evening.

    I was wondering about what you wrote earlier: “Generally genes are turned on or off by a promoter. I am daydreaming of finding the promoter that controls reproduction. If I could find that maybe I could figure out how to prevent the promoter from being activated”- can you explain to me in a simple way what a promoter is, and do you think that in humans, a person’s early childhood, emotional traumas and such can cause certain parts of the genes to be turned off or on?

    anita

    #343694
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Your song (and my comment regarding being your own fire, not the ashes of someone else’s fire, being present to life) made me think of the poem “Hokusai says” by Roger Keyes:

    Hokusai says look carefully.
    He says pay attention, notice.
    He says keep looking, stay curious.
    He says there is no end to seeing

    He says look forward to getting old.
    He says keep changing,
    you just get more who you really are.
    He says get stuck, accept it, repeat
    yourself as long as it is interesting.

    He says keep doing what you love.

    He says keep praying.

    He says every one of us is a child,
    every one of us is ancient
    every one of us has a body.
    He says every one of us is frightened.
    He says every one of us has to find
    a way to live with fear.

    He says everything is alive —
    shells, buildings, people, fish,
    mountains, trees, wood is alive.
    Water is alive.

    Everything has its own life.

    Everything lives inside us.

    He says live with the world inside you.

    He says it doesn’t matter if you draw,
    or write books. It doesn’t matter
    if you saw wood, or catch fish.
    It doesn’t matter if you sit at home
    and stare at the ants on your veranda
    or the shadows of the trees
    and grasses in your garden.
    It matters that you care.

    It matters that you feel.

    It matters that you notice.

    It matters that life lives through you.

    Contentment is life living through you.
    Joy is life living through you.
    Satisfaction and strength
    is life living through you.

    He says don’t be afraid.
    Don’t be afraid.

    Love, feel, let life take you by the hand.

    Let life live through you.

     

     

    #343772
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I want to absorb more of your posts they are beautiful and I’d love to talk about promoters with you in a couple hours after I get back from the store.

    I am just in prepare mode yesterday I really didn’t feel safe to be alone I thought I would hurt myself in that crisis so i asked STP to come over and yeah I realized maybe he was a part of this mental breakdown and him comforting me only makes it worse.

    I am in Washington the area that is really having a lot of cases. I have to go out and get supplies. I don’t know if I can find material to make masks but I’ll try.

    I feel a lot better after sleeping 12 hours. I will write more soon. Thank you so much for being there I am trying my best to slow down to prepare.

    #343780
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Amazing, you and I both live in the same state. I am curious of course as to how close you are to me. I am way north of Seattle.

    “I don’t know if I can find material to make masks”- but masks are not recommended for healthy people/people who have no flue like symptoms  to wear because they offer no protection; it is recommended for people who are already infected to wear, last I know.

    The only protection recommended for the non-infected/ asymptomatic is washing hands, keeping hands away from one’s face, sterilizing surfaces and social distancing.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #343788
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Oh wow I am just a little bit north of Seattle.

    I was looking at using tea towel masks that are double layered. Apparently they are hard to breathe through. But are 95% helpful in blocking contaminates. Eye gear would also be important because eyes can also receive the virus.

    I was thinking if i made them all in sets of 3, one to wear one to wash and one to give away.

    I am not concerned about my own health but others. I think I would be fine if I had it. But also if people are sick and don’t want to contaminate others, like you said, a mask would be useful. And there is a shortage of masks. So I thought this might be a good project. Granted we have to carefully wash our hands after using the mask and wash it before using it again.

    I don’t know I would like to take constructive action but as you said a mask can only help so much.

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