March 19, 2020 at 3:05 pm #344202
I vape nicotine and smoke weed. Although that is changing I haven’t smoked at all today and I have put my vape in a box to try to quit again. Vaping can’t be good for my health and I am taking this opportunity to cut out vaping and smoking. I found a bunch of medical face masks I forgot I had and a thermometer. So maybe I can put one on and go to the pharmacy? I don’t know.
Thank you for understanding. If anything I will take this time to try to improve my health as much as possible.
<p style=”text-align: right;”></p>March 19, 2020 at 3:13 pm #344204
Part of not hating yourself, which we discussed most recently, is not harming your lungs, so vaping has to be out, and if smoking weed is harming your lungs, it must go too (does it)?
When you say “go to the pharmacy”, you mean to work? If that’s what you mean, what did the doctor in the drive-through clinic instruct you exactly?
I will be away from the computer for an hour or so.
anitaMarch 20, 2020 at 9:28 am #344354
How are you this morning???
anitaMarch 20, 2020 at 11:34 am #344380
Thank you for reaching out to me. I apologize for not responding sooner although I know as you say respond when you can.
My throat feels a lot better and I still have a headache. I asked to go into work but they wanted me to stay home. I spent most of my morning trying to find my thermometer. Gave up on trying to find it for now.
I did go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I feel a lot calmer like my thoughts are less “sticky” and it is easier to control my focus.
I was successful for a couple hours to try to quit vaping. And I didn’t smoke until the way end of the day. I am trying my best to just reduce my bad habits when I am struggling to stop 100%
How are you feeling today?March 20, 2020 at 11:51 am #344384
I am feeling pretty good, tired at the moment, a bit chilly. I didn’t listen to the radio so far and I feel quite peaceful. Glad your throat feels better. Not surprised you were told to not go to work today. Regarding the vaping and smoking weed, I think it’s odd that you are prescribed powerful psychiatric drugs and yet still need to self medicate with substances that harm your lungs/ body. I mean, what is the point of the powerful psych drugs if you have to supplement them with unregulated intake of nicotine and cannabis. I think that a re-evaluation of all that you are taking in should be done by a responsible psychiatrist (someone new) once one becomes available, after the pandemic slows down and the world relaxes some.
anitaMarch 22, 2020 at 12:27 pm #344628
I agree with you. Going to an expert is always ideal. I have lost 10 lb since last time I went to the doctor. I weigh 115 at 5’5″ so I think that is still a healthy weight but I picked up vitamin D and Iron supplements and started drinking a lot more water. I have a headache that just doesn’t want to go away. I took Excedrin and Ibuprofen and slept like 11 hours. This is day 3 of this headache. I don’t drink alcohol anymore. It has been over a month since I had a drink. I think that was my goto to numb out.
I am thinking not eating enough is thwarting my progress. I am trying.
I hope you are enjoying the sunshine 🙂March 22, 2020 at 12:56 pm #344634
I am the same height and the same weight as you are! I hope your headache ends very soon- water and enough nutrients is key, a variety of nutrients. Do you take in enough Fat (of the right kind: nuts, avocado, olive oil)?
anitaMarch 22, 2020 at 1:21 pm #344644
How fun is that. It made me smile to think we are the same height 🙂
That is a good point. I eat breakfast burritos that I can just microwave in the morning and usually a sandwich, pasta, or a pot pie for dinner. I think I need to come up with a real meal plan and follow it. Avocados are delicious! I can always eat cheese. Cheese is my favorite food. What is your favorite dish?
ZeezaMarch 22, 2020 at 1:57 pm #344650
When I was thinner than I am now, I was at one point very weak. I believe it was because I severely limited my fat intake. I now make sure that I consume enough fat. I like many dishes, Indian food, Moroccan food, Italian, so many.. but because I learned that fat is so important, I often open a sardine in olive oil can and have that, I love the taste and need the oil!
anitaMarch 23, 2020 at 7:04 pm #344896
How are you feeling, your throat okay? Is the headache gone.. and are you eating better?
anitaMarch 23, 2020 at 9:09 pm #344912
I have never tried sardines before! I will have to give it a try 🙂
I went back to work today because my headache was lifted. Every once in awhile I still feel pressure in the back of my head but I think that is just tension and stress. Once I relax my neck and shoulders my head starts to feel less heavy. My headache started to lift as I thought of what I could do to help with this coronavirus with a friend. My friend was telling me how capable I am and how people with my skills need to be putting them to good use. I work in quality control and not in research. I found listings that were direct positions for analyzing samples for viruses to developing a vaccine. I also messaged school to try to figure out what is possible in regards to classes (since schools are closed). I am 5 classes away from my degree so it makes it difficult to apply without meeting requirements. A part of me would feel guilty for leaving my current job because I do feel somewhat bonded with everybody. I found a box of medical masks that I am going to bring to work. A coworker told me about her friend that has breathing issues who really wanted masks.
I ended up driving home and picking up as much Everclear as possible so I can to help people disinfect surfaces. It was an impulsive $300 buy honestly. I didn’t know how long the liquor stores might be open with the possibility of a “shelter in place” protocol.
I realize that in this time what people might be experiencing is like a repeated trauma of worrying about other’s lives and their own. It makes me feel calm like I can trust my instincts to address situations and do my best to be a calm presence for people. I have had time to build skills to address difficult situations throughout my life and cope. Sometimes during real emergencies I become super calm and do what I can do address the situation. I find this odd because I am often so anxious normally. Like when I was in the car wreck and thought to protect my dog and had a moment of pure acceptance of “if I die I love myself” and there are other times when I don’t react to danger well at all; like when that random guy had started wrapping his arm around mine in the summer or when another gas station worker (who didn’t speak much english well) started walking me to the back of the store with his arm on my shoulders.
I played Rise Against at work and introduced it to people. When I got back to work my coworker said he played rise against yesterday and asked me how I was keeping my sanity. (we played rise against again today and Behind closed Doors came on 🙂 )
I replied with that I am trying to take in as much information as possible while also not denying how I feel to put on a brave face but coming to a place of acceptance. I think for some people they are truly going through stages of grief. Another friend cried to me that he can’t hug his mom anymore because he doesn’t want to get her sick. I have a group chat with a bunch of friends I have made over the years at art festivals. These friends live all around the world so I am getting updates with how their part of the world is handling the situations.
One of my favorite quotes is “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”- Bob Marley
It has been a lot easier to choose my focus and stop negative thought patterns that make me anxious and choose all the thought patterns that can best help the situation we are all in.
There is a song called Trampoline by shaeed and the lyrics are
“Wait if I’m on fire
How am I so deep in love?
When I dream of dying I never feel so loved.”
what these lyrics mean to me is infinite gratitude of how precious life is. That now I feel like I don’t have time for anything that isn’t aligned with that truth.March 24, 2020 at 7:00 am #344978
Sardines are not everyone’s cup of tea but in olive oil, with salt, the are my cup of deliciousness.
Glad you went back to work yesterday, having no symptoms of any respiratory disease (be it the common cold, the flu or Covid-19). Keep relaxing your neck and shoulders and take slow breaths. Regarding you thinking about working in research, developing vaccines, only yesterday I thought to myself that if I could take time back, I might work on developing vaccines, been reading in Wikipedia about vaccines that already exist and those still being worked on, including for the virus responsible for the SARS epidemic of early 2000s, and for viruses responsible for Lyme Disease, Hepatitis C, and many, many more. Working on finding vaccines is the way to save the lives of millions of people. The current pandemic is a huge testimony to how important it is for everyone to get vaccinated for all the contagious diseases for which there is already a vaccine!
A disinfectant costing $300, price gouging?
Regarding shelter in place in our state that was announced yesterday, there is a long list of exceptions to the lock down, such as going to a store to buy food, going to a doctor, going to work, even taking a walk once a day, if I remember correctly, as long as social distancing is kept. All the exceptions listed are available online.
It is interesting, how you feel at this time “calm like I can trust my instincts to address situations and do my best to be a calm presence for people.. Sometimes during real emergencies I become super calm.. I find this odd because I am normally so anxious”- I found out that it is the specific fear of our childhoods that keep us un-calm way more than later in life fears born out of clear and present danger. For example, a woman is fearful and obsessed about her boyfriend leaving her pre-pandemic (because of her childhood fear that a parent will leave her), but during the pandemic that original fear/ the anxiety relaxes and she feels so much better, more able to deal with the pandemic than many other people. Generally and without emotional healing, we keep being afraid of what scared us when we were children.
I wrote the above example before I read the examples you gave: when you were in a car wreck, a clear and present danger, you were calm- this fits my explanation above. It is almost a relief to have a break from what normally distresses us and be focused instead on.. something new, it is .. refreshing at times.
“It has been a lot easier to choose my focus and stop negative thought patterns that make me anxious and choose all the thought patterns that can best help the situation”-this is made possible by having a break from what usually distresses you, which is the same old, same old as before the pandemic.
The lyrics you quoted: “Wait if I’m on fire – How am I so deep in love? – When I dream of dying I never feel so loved”, and you wrote about it: “what these lyrics mean to me is infinite gratitude of how precious life is. That now I feel like I don’t have time for anything that isn’t aligned with that truth“-
– you are able to appreciate life as it is because you are having a break from past anxiety that is based on the truth of our long ago childhood, not on the truth of life since our childhoods. During the pandemic then, many of us who were lost in our long gone childhood, now find ourselves in the truth of today.
When “that random guy had started wrapping his arm around mine in the summer or when another gas station worker.. started walking me to the back of the store with his arm on my shoulder”- there is another explanation for this example: when we suffer a life time of anxiety, anxiety without clear and present danger situations, we also suffer disassociation, a numbing of our emotions, an emotional shutting down, so we go from too anxious to too shut down. When you walked part of the way with the gas station worker it was because of shutting down, not because of courage.
anitaMarch 24, 2020 at 7:46 am #344982
Regarding your post of six days ago, I want to process it this morning: a promoter is part of a gene that can turn the gene on or off, like a light switch. Turning a gene on or off means turning on or off the synthesis of various proteins.
When a protein (Transcription Factor) meets the promoter (binding site), it binds to it and turns it on. When the promoter is turned on, mRNA (messenger RNA) is being synthesized. Next tRNA (transfer RNA) reads the mRNA, and transfers amino acids to the ribosomes (the protein synthesis factories in cells), where rRNA (ribosomal RNA) links amino acids together to form coded proteins.
There is a vaccine called mRNA-1273 which is not based on a weak version of the virus, but on mRNA protein sequence. So if I understand correctly (in a simplified way, of course), then scientists found a short cut: introducing mRNA to infected cells instead of the weak virus that will cause the synthesis of that mRNA.
The Coronavirus has a “special type attachment and entry that we haven’t seen before”. A new vaccine then will need to enter the body in the same way the Coronavirus enters the body, if I understand correctly. I figure scientists are working hard on discovering the details of that special type of attachment and entry, as well as its replication within the host cells.
Did I understand correctly, in a very simplified way?
anitaMarch 24, 2020 at 11:31 pm #345280
Sorry for the delayed response today I had a weird flashback and coped well and I didn’t self harm. But I became the little girl who was hiding in the closet as the house was torn apart kind of flash back. Waiting for it to be safe again. And to the times when I wondered when someone would come back I felt so alone. I cried a lot and sang my way through it like I have been singing my whole life. I don’t know how it started. I was listening to music and trying to wake up. I read the posts and couldn’t truly understand your words. Now that I am calmer I can understand way better, actually very clearly now. You are very wise Anita. I wish healing didn’t feel like a loop feelings of the past. But each time I run through it is a chance to heal and reshape my sense of self and life. I am still coming to terms with understanding complex PTSD and repeated trauma. I was withdrawn a lot growing up and people noticed. I don’t like dissociation I mean no one does but I don’t want life to terrify the essence out of me. I want to be resiliant and resiliant with others. How can I become more resiliant? It takes time slowly but surely.
I think you would be brilliant with the development of vaccines. That does sounds like a good overall summary. Reverse transcriptase is needed with the transcription factor at the binding site because it is an enzyme. This enzyme is essential. An enzyme is like a lock and key process. the protein (transcription factor) is the key and the enzyme (reverse transcriptase) as the lock. I am a very visual learner and I don’t know if you are? But I found being able to actually see the process is very useful and Kahn academy is a free great reference for many subjects.
I wish I had more available brain space to problem solve instead of just trying to cope with intense wave of emotions. Trying to be patient and not get mad at myself for being the way I am. I wonder if I am not doing enough for emotional healing. I need to follow through with a healing plan so my inner child doesn’t feel abandoned.March 25, 2020 at 9:44 am #345332
No need to apologize for a delayed response, any time you post is fine with me. It is interesting for me to read the evidence you provide to my understanding that for many of us, what we fear as adults is equal to what we feared as children. In these pandemic days, with no end of it in sight, what you experienced most recently is the fear of “the little girl who was hiding in the closet as the house was torn apart.. Waiting for it to be safe again”-
– you didn’t experience an adult-you hiding/ sheltering in place in your apartment, waiting for the world out there to be safe again; you experienced the child-you hiding in your family home of your childhood, waiting for that home to be safe again.
“I don’t want life to terrify the essence out of me”- life as you knew it as a child is what is scaring you, not the current pandemic. If the pandemic resolved tomorrow, it will still be that long ago fear scaring you.
“I want to be resilient.. How can I become more resilient?”- first realize that you have already been resilient, ever since you were a child. You are alive today because you were resilient all through your life. And you are improving the resilience methods you employ, for example: you avoid self harm and you avoid the STP man, both of which were ways that at times helped you very temporarily, but harmed you soon after.
Thank you for your scientific explanations, you explain well. I think that I am a visual learner, definitely not a great audible learner. I need to see the words vs hear words. Too many details confuse me, I need my time to process information, that is why listening to a lecture doesn’t work for me. On the other hand, reading and studying an article at my own pace, typing away- that does work for me.
“I wonder if I am not doing enough for emotional healing”- unlike other kinds of learning (academic, and hands on learning), emotional learning aka emotional healing, takes more time, it can’t be rushed, if you rush it you prevent it. It takes a whole lot of patience. If you want to speed it up- don’t get mad at yourself, don’t disapprove of yourself, and don’t rush the process. Instead, give yourself all the time it takes, be patient with the process and gentle with yourself.
“I need to follow through with a healing plan so my inner child doesn’t feel abandoned”- create a routine for your inner child, children need and like routines, feeling safer within a routine. Do the same things every day, at about the same times, not obsessively so but in a relaxed way.
And post whenever you feel like posting, don’t worry about the timing.