April 6, 2020 at 8:07 am #347926
It is very good to read this: “I feel I am no longer that 5 year old girl hiding in the closet but a capable confident woman to overcome obstacles and enjoy life as much as possible”- you read like the capable, confident woman that you are!
Keep having zero contact with your mother; the 5 year old Zeeza hiding in the closet was able to come out of that closet because you made her home a mother-free zone.
She needs you to promise her that you will not give your mother access to her.
You are welcome, and I am fine, thank you for asking. Post again whenever you feel like posting!
April 22, 2020 at 12:22 am #351028
- This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
I have been reading and rereading this thread. Feels like I keep learning things a little bit more deeply. I hope you are well? and thank you for sharing so much wisdom and patience with me. I still have had no contact with my mother. I am finally in the training stages of the new position. I figured out how to sew straight lines and have the material to make masks. I started a drawing of a gas mask with plants growing out of it. I would say I am half-way finished with spring cleaning. I seem to get myself to finish half of projects very well so far.
I was very spacey for awhile and locked my keys in my car twice in a week. I locked myself out of my complex building at midnight with my dog but thankfully found someone to let me back into the building. I have been trying to be mindful and stay present.
My brother did come back into contact with me and had a happy conversation talking about previous pets and catching up. He said he was thinking of moving out west in the next two years with his girlfriend.
I haven’t been good about staying away from STP man. He helped me get my keys out of my car the second time it happened. so what I think is interesting, as I see this history on repeat, The other night he told me he would call me but didn’t. The next day I was crying on the phone with him hurt about things he has said in the past and he said “I put you through a lot and I don’t want you to keep reliving it” which gave me hope he empathizes with me and doesn’t want to keep hurting me.
What I am afraid of is that I am trying to bond with someone that dangles a carrot of what I want and crave and I believe it, so that when I am let down I still remember the carrot isn’t too far. Like of course I want to feel connected and understood and share a laugh. I told him that I will never marry an alcoholic. He asked me to define where that line is and I explained to him that blacking out is a major sign. He asked me if that meant he needed to quit drinking. I said I don’t want that control in your life do as you wish. I just don’t like it when things are hidden. After this discussion he said in a passive aggressive tone ” it is nice to see you too babe” with a pat on the back. I called him out saying why are you saying that in a passive aggressive tone? Reminds me of when you described how many women get confused with what feels like love but actually isn’t.
I am not trying to chase my thoughts in a circle of should I stay or should I go, I am trying to outline my no’s and my yes. I don’t know why it is hard to let go. I can see how I feel needed by him like I use to feel with my dad. What really comes up is wanting to be special and lovely enough so much that there is no more absence of him that is caused by drinking. I still haven’t drank in at least a month. I don’t need him financially like I use to previously. But I do worry who would I call if I was stranded somewhere? I can survive on my own. It is just scary and it feels like I have this pattern of every time I truly try to leave I mentally fall apart.
So after I blocked him I had panic about the virus, thought about our doomsday plan, and we visited each other. I thought I came to my senses and said I really can’t be doing this. He told me why did you even talk to me then etc and that was when I had strong urges to self harm kind of break down and basically begged him to be with me physically in person so I feel safe. From that point we have seen each other perhaps twice a week. It is honestly hard to summarize and remember it in order. I wonder if not having him contact me from different sources after we break up would make it easier for me to move on. Or if I would be still in this cycle. Am I addicted to him? It is very hard to reread and remember all the times I have left and why. I think that may be why I wasn’t reading much of the thread I have built here because I knew it wasn’t congruent with hoping that he doesn’t hate me but loves me. I don’t mean to bring up drama or just repeat myself. I just don’t understand how I can try to trust someone who says cruel things. It may not be everyday but words are still powerful.
I will try my best to finish the other half of the projects. I hope you are enjoying the spring and staying healthy
ZeezaApril 22, 2020 at 9:00 am #351072
You are welcome, good to read from you! I am fine, thank you, feeling anxious because humanity is in a current global danger that didn’t happen before: a global economic shut down of a massive magnitude, a global social isolation never experienced before, not to mention the virus who is not known enough to figure how long this shutdown should or could last.
I am glad you still have no contact with your mother, that you are working on making masks (!!!), and that you are working on other projects. Regarding locking your keys in your car, that happened to me repeatedly in the past, I was very, very spacey much of my life and lost a lot of things/ money as a result. So do your best “to be mindful and stay present”.
Regarding the STP man, saying: “it is nice to see you too babe” is his passive-aggressive signature style.
I understand you worrying “who would I all if I was stranded somewhere” – what about the police, won’t the police help a person who is stranded with no one else to help?
“Am I addicted to him?”- you are emotionally attached to him. At times you feel good about him or around him, and that good feeling motivates you to seek his company. We are all motivated to feel good.
I hope you are feeling comfortable about posting anytime you want. I am excited about your masks project and am looking forward to read how it evolves. Keep yourself safe, take best care of yourself!
anitaApril 22, 2020 at 1:39 pm #351124
The world is changing and it is hard to wrap one’s head around it. Many people are coping differently and I hope Tiny Buddha can be a resource for people. Grocery stores like safeway now let you place an order online for pick up. I am utilizing this process today. Honestly relieves a lot of anxiety and I am sure to get all of what is on my list 🙂
Last night I stayed up until 7am reading and researching anything and everything I can to be prepared for data review. This will be a transferable skill in any lab when analyzing a sample via spectroscopy. I am still a step closer to registering for a course. Although with the lockdown I may only be able to take online lectures. After I posted last night it felt like my mind suddenly had access to so much information I have learned in college that seemed to be hidden. I would like to contribute to medical research during this pandemic but I am learning the basics for now. I heard that some researchers are focusing on the antibodies survivors have and perhaps utilizing those antibodies to prevent any further infection.
“At times you feel good about him or around him, and that good feeling motivates you to seek his company. We are all motivated to feel good.” This makes sense. He listens to me when I rant about what I am learning and asks helpful questions so it makes me happy to have someone to talk to and engage with. It is like we are “geeking” out together. He also recently taught me how to longboard. Although we really shouldn’t be outside.
I received an email today from DOH that Inslee plans to transition out of quarantine very slowly. With summer coming I am wondering if make the masks “lighter” so that it is more comfortable to wear a mask when it is hot. Maybe people will be more likely to wear what is comfortable? It is my understanding is that it helps stop you further spreading anything but doesn’t protect you. Honestly haven’t been reading and staying as updated like I use to daily.
Thank you! I do feel comfortable posting anytime and appreciate the welcoming thought. Sometimes I worry about posting too much. I hope you stay healthy and well as well 🙂April 22, 2020 at 2:10 pm #351128
May I ask you what has been helpful for you with coping during this pandemic?
I started wearing a bear mask I forgot I had. Makes me have the mouth of a teddy bear. Hard to talk through sometimes but it seems to lighten the mood when people see me.April 22, 2020 at 2:23 pm #351130
You are welcome and thank you for the good wishes. What motivates you to be with STP is the S part, the Soft in the soft-then-punch, and the hope that there will not be a punch to follow.
You wrote that you received an email from Department of Health regarding a transition out of quarantine, I’m interested in seeing such an email, googled but didn’t locate such. Where can I find this email?
anitaApril 22, 2020 at 2:56 pm #351132
Copy and pasted first half. Second half is about unemployment.
<h1>Governor announces Washington’s COVID-19 recovery plan</h1>
Gov. Jay Inslee on Tuesday laid out his visionfor the eventual safe return to public life amid the COVID-19 outbreak.
The governor in his address described the state’s approach for the gradual return to public life. Depending on health projections for the spread of the virus, some distancing restrictions may be in place for weeks or months to come, he said.
“It will look more like the turning of the dial than the flip of a switch,” Inslee said. “We’re going to take steps and then monitor to see whether they work or if we must continue to adapt.”
The governor’s plan has three overriding goals:
- Protect the Health and Safety of Washingtonians: Guided by data and science, we must continue to suppress the virus, protect our most vulnerable and treat those who are sick. We must ensure that COVID-19 infections and deaths are decreasing and that we have sufficient testing and contact identification in place before taking steps toward loosening restrictions.
- Facilitate a Safe Start and Transition to Economic Recovery: A healthy workforce is needed for a healthy economy. When it is safe, we will take measured steps to get people back to doing what they do best in a way that protects themselves and their communities’ health.
- Support All People and Communities: We will use an equity lens for recovery efforts to enhance people’s physical, emotional and financial well-being, with particular attention to those who have been disproportionately impacted by COVID-19, including communities of color, individuals experiencing homelessness, individuals with disabilities, as well as those experiencing unemployment, poverty, and food insecurity.
The governor’s plan emphasizes the necessity for community leaders from across the state to work together to provide guidance for a safe and sustainable recovery for all Washingtonians. The governor will appoint three leadership groups to advise on public health, economic recovery and social supports.
The governor said that if the data continues to indicate it’s safe to do so, the state may soon be able to consider how to modify restrictions around elective surgeries, construction and outdoor recreation.
“We are looking forward to making advances against this virus,” Inslee said. “Only science, data and informed reasoning can lift us out of this crisis.”
I am not sure how I became subscribed to different departments but the bottom of the email said to subscribe with a link. And if I post a link here on the forum I believe my post will be on on hold.April 22, 2020 at 4:26 pm #351150
Thank you, Zeeza, I appreciate your fast reply. I will read it later, after my walk. I will look forward to the next time you post. Take good care of yourself!
anitaApril 25, 2020 at 12:40 am #351484
STP man (as we have defined reading through my thread) was over two nights ago. I was finally about to fall asleep around 1am ( I was having a hard time sleeping because i was so excited/nervous to start training) And I guess my dog was peeing on the floor. I had taken him out 3 hours prior but he is old (13 years). Anyways I heard my dog wimper and then run to me. And I was like what happened? and he said he saw him peeing and tapped him. I said you do not have permission to hit my dog ever. He is old and I need to train him to go on the pee pad. He said oh okay. My dog responds to claps and words, he always looks at you and stops whichever he is doing. I comforted my dog and was like yes you are safe it is okay. That won’t ever happen again. STP man demonstrated how lightly he tapped him on my leg. Sometimes my dog whines when he is frighten or if you lift his tail (he hates thermometers). Either way I don’t want my dog to be frightened. IF anything that means he needs to go outside right now. I just it bothers me. A lot and I haven’t really fully processed it. My dog is the best memories I will keep forever. He is my sidekick and I don’t ever want him to be scared but happy and comfortable. I feel like I shouldn’t of had to explain this to him. To not hit or tap my animals.
When I went into work yesterday morning my trainer was out due to bad cramps so it felt like I had built up all of this excitement and preparation to be delayed. I spent the day organizing a deep freeze. It was very mind numbing with a lot of a numbers (Haha literally Lot numbers). There is a two new hires and I have been so happy to be welcoming and in some ways help train them. But one of the new hires just randomly stands right next to me and looks over my shoulder and says Hi Friend. This has occurred so many times and it distracts me and I wonder if she needs directions or something but she just wants to talk to me. Like small talk. I realize now that she may have been trying to become friends with me but I prefer not to talk while I am working and I especially prefer to keep 6ft distance as much as possible. We all wear masks but she doesn’t seem to be wearing them too often.
It is very strange at work because I haven’t announced or really talked about training for data review. I am nervous how others would react, perhaps thinking they deserve it more than me. But people still feel comfortable asking me questions. It has been hard that to believe I am enough sometimes. I sometimes wonder if someone else is more deserving of the position.
When I was accepted into a good school I thought maybe I was accepted by mistake. When I got my license I cried in the bathroom “thinking how can you let me drive I might kill someone”. I realize now that this is an inner critic and I will try to think about opportunities neutrally. I am not defined about what I can or can’t do but the heart I put into it.
It feels like life is in a weird twilight zone stand still and it is hard. It is hard to go about life and try to make it normal again with masks as a new fashion and being so distant. I gave a homeless person some money and had the thought of oh what if he had the virus I better wash my hands. It is hard to look at any human as a potential carrier of what the world is afraid of.April 25, 2020 at 6:52 am #351522
The ST of STP can stand for Soft Tapping your dog that night. If it was a soft tap under the circumstance, and if he won’t do it again after you telling him so, then nothing bad happened, nothing unusual, as I see it. If I remember correctly, you had a very bad experience long ago (?) regarding a man and your dog. I figure that this long ago experience was triggered a bit?
You do deserve to train for data review, and you do deserve being promoted and more: you are a hard worker, dedicated, professional, quite admirable, from my reading of your posts!
Regarding the 6′ distance at work: you can tell the new co worker about this rule or recommendation in the workplace, or you can talk to a supervisor about sending a memo on the topic to all employees.
It is interesting that you mentioned the homeless guy you gave money to: only yesterday I noticed signs of “No Loitering” and “No Panhandling” in a couple of outdoor business places where I didn’t see or notice these signs before. I figured that pandemic and on, there is going to be way less tolerance of homeless people approaching the non-homeless, so.. even the homeless will suffer financially, except if there will be better housing and treatment programs available to them.
anitaApril 26, 2020 at 7:32 pm #351696
I am crying and just trying to get my brain to stop saying why am I so dumb? why I am like this?
The day was overall great at work. I was trying to transition things at work by opening new conversations at work circling around learning. I would say something like oh this is fascinating I would like to learn more about this. And my coworkers would chime in what they have learned and I would share what I have learned. I made some mistakes but was happy to learn.
I finished cleaning the fumehood and I forgot to sign the paperwork that documented the fumehood was clean. My coworker reminded me and was about to sign it off for me and I said go ahead. We ended up doing the ole rock paper scissors which is what we use do when he and I were training together. I was like oh geez I feel like I am 5 and he said “you are mentally 5”
I kind of was like brushed this comment off and he won the rock paper scissors and signed it for me. The whole day I was trying to step away from tasks I have done and letting him do the tasks so that when I transition it won’t be as hard. He was able to ask me some questions and he answered mine. I was trying really hard all day to have a positive learning environment where we all have value and can learn.
I don’t know why but this comment hit me so hard because it really does feel like I am 5. and I don’t know. I wish I was more mature. Maybe it would be easier to make friends. Maybe it would easier to feel like I belong. Thankfully I was able to keep my emotions to myself until I got into my car. But I can’t hide when I blush. I have to go in tomorrow and try to be more mature and maybe just talk less I don’t know.
“The ST of STP can stand for Soft Tapping your dog that night. If it was a soft tap under the circumstance, and if he won’t do it again after you telling him so, then nothing bad happened, nothing unusual, as I see it. If I remember correctly, you had a very bad experience long ago (?) regarding a man and your dog. I figure that this long ago experience was triggered a bit?”
-Yes I do think this stirred up some protective instincts and heartache in me
“You do deserve to train for data review, and you do deserve being promoted and more: you are a hard worker, dedicated, professional, quite admirable, from my reading of your posts!”
Thank you for your kind words. I don’t feel like this is true but logically I do work hard and I try my best to learn from my mistakes. I just wish I wasn’t so obviously emotional. I wish I was emotionally intelligent.
“Regarding the 6′ distance at work: you can tell the new co worker about this rule or recommendation in the workplace, or you can talk to a supervisor about sending a memo on the topic to all employees.” This is a great idea and we do have a memo in regards to this. Thankfully the new coworker is wearing a mask more regularly.
“It is interesting that you mentioned the homeless guy you gave money to: only yesterday I noticed signs of “No Loitering” and “No Panhandling” in a couple of outdoor business places where I didn’t see or notice these signs before. I figured that pandemic and on, there is going to be way less tolerance of homeless people approaching the non-homeless, so.. even the homeless will suffer financially, except if there will be better housing and treatment programs available to them.” I really do hope they have better programs for help 🙁 it makes me sad and I wish I could just own a skyscraper to house people. It makes me angry that I can’t help more.April 27, 2020 at 7:32 am #351746
I suggest that you ask the coworker, in a casual tone, in a friendly way: when we played the rock-paper- scissor game the other day, you told me that I am mentally five, remember? I was wondering what you meant by it?
If he needs assistance with the question, say: I was wondering if you think that I am immature, or childish (or whatnot).
Bring it up so to find out what he meant, maybe he meant it in a good way, that you are fun to be around. You took it negatively, but maybe he meant it positively. And if he meant it negatively, it will be an opportunity for you to get specific information, as in: what about me does this person view to be immature?
Regarding the homeless: they need housing and mental health services, both. Illegal drug use and addiction particularly will require intensive treatment. I don’t think it’s a good idea to give homeless people money because it encourages panhandling and the money may very well be used for drugs, so you end up hurting them when giving them money. Better offer a homeless person a sandwich than give him money.
What is happening with the STP man, is he still punching, figuratively?
anitaApril 27, 2020 at 8:56 pm #351846
I decided to be less childish by not asking or letting it bother me. I do see how I can appear childish so I tried to change those aspects. I usually wear tye dye shirts and I wore a more professional shirt today. I didn’t crack as many jokes and tried to keep conversations succinct. I walked into work early in the morning and we both had a friendly greeting so I really think he didn’t mean anything negative. And if he did he was probably coping with some sort of stress not related to me. Maybe with more time and distance from the situation I can ask about his feedback in regards to creating a positive work environment.
I realize that it would be very hard for me to ask him what he meant by it in a casual tone. Sometimes just thinking about events can make me become emotional so I worry when confronting anything that I will become visibly emotional instead of casual. I think this is perhaps how I am still developing. childish, in some ways.
STP man is not giving any punches. I am not around him when he drinks nor do I talk to him when he drinks. And he seems to be drinking less. He also told me that asking my coworker what he meant by it would help.
I hope I take this weekend and create positive change. I will feel more adult if I can actually prepare regular meals for myself for the week and actually fold my clothes instead of leaving them on top of the dryer lol.April 28, 2020 at 10:40 am #351928
If you believe that “he didn’t mean anything negative. And if he did he was probably coping with some sort of stress not related to” you, then it is not necessary that you ask him what he meant. It could be the clothing you wore or cracking too many jokes, like you mentioned, and if you feel more comfortable dressing more comfortably and not joking much at work, then act in the ways that suit you better.
The STP man Punches only when he drinks a lot? I suppose if he is decent when he doesn’t drink, he needs to be abstinent from alcohol right before and during the whole time he is interacting with you, be it online, on the phone, or in person.
anitaApril 29, 2020 at 12:13 pm #352130
I hope you are enjoying the sunshine today. I am trying to move through the day and get some things done. I find that I am very much a perfectionist and I am trying to remind myself that done is always better than perfect. I feel embarrassed very easily so I think my perfectionism stems from the fear of feeling shame. I have noted that when I feel like I want to shrink or disappear I have the intrusive thought that comes up (potential trigger warning) kill me. It feels like this is how my inner critic has taken shape where a mistake is met with a response that is not useful but puts me down. It becomes hard to keep motivation. I almost feel like I am waiting for the point in time where I have proved my worth. I feel disappointed in myself very easily.
I think the more welcoming of a home I can make within the easier it will be to make home without. Returning to this thread helps remind me to be kind to myself. I’d rather look at mistakes or shortcomings as feedback instead of a reflection of worth.
And I agree with you, to only be in contact when there is no alcohol present.