I slept 4 hours last night. I should be at my exam now. I feel very angry with myself. My headache is still here. I called my grandma early this morning because I knew she would be the one to motivate me because I don’t want to disappoint her it is easy to disappoint myself. She asked me why would I call her the morning of an exam, told me I was smart and wished me luck. I don’t know how I got here when I was so determined not to be here. It is like I am missing common sense.

It is too late and I take responsibility of the consequences. It was not a very wise minded behavior. Thank you for talking with me.I don’t know why I signed myself up for classes to do this to myself. It is money I will have to pay back. I can work. Maybe I need that structure of work with people interactions. I don’t know but I practice distress tolerance.

I don’t know what did. I tried calling him again last night to make sure he was ok. He is mixing alcohol with other substances and he sounded like he wasn’t sober told me he would call me back but never did.

I think it was my weakness to not tolerate the bully in my head and hide from situations that make it worse but I can’t hide it is dysfunctional.

My father never shames me. He is just struggled with addictions and being absent. I never lived with him. But it does hurt to see him go from sober to self destructive over and over. To have him here and then worry. I honestly feel it in my gut he doesn’t have much time left. He is across the country I haven’t seen him in two years. When I was a teenager I use to yell at him when I found out he was hiding his relapse from me. I feel bad about that.