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  • #358605
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Salmonberries (Rubus spectabilis), native of the Pacific West, by the way,  are a bit tart, even when very ripe. I never liked the association between berries and salmon though.

    You are welcome. What you wrote in your recent post means a lot to me. If feels like receiving a gift, reading it. Thank you for this precious gift: your appreciation, your thoughts, your feelings, all that you express here on your thread. I guess this makes you a gift. Remember this: you being a gift. A gift does not deserve to be punched, literally or figuratively (in either case, it hurts!).

    Good to read your eating is getting healthier and that you are practicing this way, and in other ways, empathy for your body. The best part to read in your recent post, is this: “I care about myself to be well”!!!

    anita

    #358722
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am trying to take in your post, really take in the idea that I am a gift and showing myself gratitude for being as strong as I can be. I have all this time now to take care of my home, pets and me.

    I got through the first week of the break up yay! and He has not contact me at all. I read somewhere that it takes 11 weeks for your body/mind to reset after a break up. It feels like he is a far off memory. Although at work yesterday a song came on he used to play when he was super super drunk and I asked my coworkers if I could change it and I did but the rest of the day I was kind of on edge trying my best to have empathy with myself saying “I can understand why you feel that way”

    My coworkers are very thoughtful. The manager had a nightmare of vampires being our mechanics so another coworker put a wooden steak in her desk and it was hilarious! Exactly what she needed to fight off the fears. As a team we have gotten through this pandemic stuff together from hearing news to disinfecting everything and planning out 6ft apart rules. It is nice to have a place to feel respected and cared for. I told another coworker I missed being able to see people smile and the other day when he walked off to his car he took off his mask and gave me a smile. That made my really happy.

    Last night my internet was being wonky so I played music off my old itunes that I haven’t listened to in years. It was full of songs that marked different pivotal points of growth for me from starting college to making art again. The album I listened to when I was so sick in bed with bronchial spasms came on and reminded me how much I learned to value a pure deep breath. It reminded me how I built a gentleness with myself to be well. The same coworker who flashed me a smile also said something interesting to me yesterday, that aspirator and aspiration stand for breathing and hope. I told him I thought this was poetic because taking a deep breath brings hope.

    I hope you are well Anita?

    Best,

    Zeeza

    #358723
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I will read and reply to you after my walk (I saw the coyote yesterday, by the way, but he didn’t confront me like he did the two times previously). Will be back to you in a bit over an hour. Taking the paper spray with me, of course.

    anita

    #358732
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I am back, a beautiful and uneventful walk. Congrats for doing well a weak post breakup! Good to read that you “feel respected and cared for” at work. This how it should be in the work place and in your personal relationships: feeling respected and cared for. It is nice that one of your coworker remembered that you said that you miss seeing people smile, and he took off his mask and gave you a smile. You listened to music yesterday, me too: I listened to Donna Summers duo with Seal live, I enjoyed the two of them singing his song Crazy.

    anita

    #358753
    anita
    Participant

    * correction to above post: congrats for doing well on a week post breakup! (a week, not a weak..)

    #359013
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How are your walks these days? find anymore berries?

    I gave a listen to your song and it is very soulful I like it. I spent the weekend relaxing and reflecting. I didn’t accomplish much besides laundry. At the end of my weekend I somehow found myself watching marriage proposal fails and laughing and crying and I just then ended up watching proposals crying. I am a bit laughing at myself for it. Maybe this is my equivalent to a soap opera indulgence. I reminded myself that I am basically married to myself so I have my own back it is all good.

    My first day of work went really smooth and I was off early enough to finish chores/errands I needed to finish over the weekend.

    Today I went on lunch and looked at my phone and saw that my mom had messaged me that my brother almost died and that this is why I should stay in touch.

    At first I was mad like how does she know if I do or don’t talk to my brother and it isn’t my fault that I am this far away to stay sane. My brother had an intestinal leak. She said he is recovering. Last time I spoke with my brother he was talking about moving out here and I was going to mail him some art. I haven’t mailed him art yet but I hope to make more art tonight. I couldn’t stop crying for most of the rest of the day after finding out this news. The guilt of not being able to be there. He was the one person I never wanted to leave ever when I left my house at 16. I told my manager what I was processing and requested that because I am in an emotional state if I could do menial tasks like dishes. tasks that do not have a high risk if mistakes are made. I felt like if I left work I would become more emotional and feel bad leaving a huge workload on my cpworkers. So doing these tasks while being mindful and just observing was helpful. Haha I went to work with eyeliner on and left work with none.

    I am worried about him but so so grateful he is alive. It breaks my heart to think he is in pain like this. I am also embarrassed for being emotional at work but at least I did my work.

    I hope you have a great day and stay safe 🙂

    Zeeza

     

    #359015
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am really hurt. I didn’t look on facebook so I didn’t know he was going through all of this. He didn’t reach out. I just reached out to his GF and now I am embarrassed I did because He is home with care now.

    I feel hurt because i am so far separated and yet care so much.

    And I can’t help but be reminded of when I was in that car wreck and I reached out to my mom about it and she ignored me. I told family members about it and it was just like the only conversation we had in a year. I didn’t post anything about it or share what happened in a broad way. but It just conficts with me because i am out here myself and no one is worried and now I feel bad for being worried and not there. While being completely out of the loop.

    I just feel like I have seemingly neverending heartbreak of losing my family.

    #359016
    Zeeza
    Participant

    My brother did message me back Thank you. It is great to hear from him at least. I am silly to think we aren’t close. We just don’t talk often. And he is grieving his father figure while I am trying to avoid any and all thoughts of him. He hasn’t mentioned his passing to me at all. I haven’t either. I still want to make an owl. I will try to make art and calm down.

    #359018
    Zeeza
    Participant

    I think I just heard a gunshot and people yelling what is that and then someone yelling everyone get inside. I am assuming that group of people are calling the police. My central nervous system is on high alert. Oddly the fire alarm went off at 3am last night again too. I know I can get through all of this as I have before just practicing distress tolerance skills.

    #359027
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    My goodness, Zeeza, what a night! I hope you are asleep as I am tying this, very early Sat Morning. Let me know when you find out, if what you heard at about 9:30 pm was indeed a gun shot, and what it was about, will you (I googled and found nothing).

    Regarding your two earlier posts: I am fine, thank you, and regarding berries, collected raspberries last, they are tastier than salmonberries. You listened to Crazy and you liked it, I like it that you liked a song I liked, called it soulful, full of deep emotion.

    You wrote that yesterday your mother messaged you, “that my brother almost died and that this is why I should stay in touch”. You found out that he had an intestinal leak. You then “couldn’t stop crying for most of the rest of the day after finding out this news. The guilt of not being able to be there. He was the one person I never wanted to leave ever when I left my house at 16”.

    When your mother included in her message that this is why you should stay in touch, she was guilt tripping you. lots of people use this strategy, guilt tripping, to make the guilt-tripped feel bad (including STP), and she succeeded, you felt very badly. And this is why even a little contact with your mother is too much.

    You wrote that your brother had an intestinal leak, I just read in Wikipedia the following” Gastrointestinal perforation, also known as ruptured bowel, is a hole in the wall of part of the gastrointestinal tract… When the hole is in the stomach or early part of the small intestine the onset of pain is typically sudden while a hole in the large intestine onset may be more gradual”. It reads regarding a hole in the intestines, that the causes include physical trauma, and obstruction in the intestines caused by inflammation within the intestinal walls. Do you have any idea about the nature of your brother’s condition???

    It was responsible for you to tell your manager that you were in an emotional state and ask to do menial tasks that do not have a high risk of mistakes, and then “doing these tasks while being mindful”, excellent choice on your  part, responsible and wise.

    In your second post you wrote that you didn’t know that your brother’s situation, that he didn’t reach out, and that you contacted his girlfriend and found out that he is “home with care now”. You also remembered how you were in that car wreck and your mother ignored you. Well, like I suggested earlier in this post, a little contact with your mother is too much contact, because in this little contact she manages to guilt trip you, that is to intentionally try to make you feel bad.

    She could have just messaged you that your brother was ill, she didn’t have to add that you should keep in touch, suggesting that you don’t keep in touch with him and with her. When you limit your contact with her, you lower the number of times she guilt trips you or otherwise attack you emotionally, but you are .. still under attack. My recommendation- block her altogether from your social media and phone and whatever other access she has to you.

    anita

     

     

    #359119
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for wishing me well sleep! I did fall asleep okay around 1am and did not hear anything about this or sirens afterwards. Maybe it was a car engine pop? I don’t know. I ended up putting headphones on after awhile and tried to draw something for my brother. I made a start on another Owl. He loves owls very much. I saw an update on his facebook that he was moved to a more intensive care before being released with an infection and on antibiotics for it. I have no idea how he got this injury. I just told him if he needs anything please let me know. Thank you for sharing more information about it I wonder if he got this from playing football.

    ” I am fine, thank you, and regarding berries, collected raspberries last, they are tastier than salmonberries. You listened to Crazy and you liked it, I like it that you liked a song I liked, called it soulful, full of deep emotion.”

    Glad to hear you are fine 🙂 Raspberries are delicious and I could most likely walk around and find blackberries to pick since we have so much himalayan blackberries here. Tis the time of year for berries. Soulful music is the best kind of music!

    “When your mother included in her message that this is why you should stay in touch, she was guilt tripping you. lots of people use this strategy, guilt tripping, to make the guilt-tripped feel bad (including STP), and she succeeded, you felt very badly. And this is why even a little contact with your mother is too much.”

    “It was responsible for you to tell your manager that you were in an emotional state and ask to do menial tasks that do not have a high risk of mistakes, and then “doing these tasks while being mindful”, excellent choice on your  part, responsible and wise.”

    Thank you, it did feel like I was also showing myself that even when I am deep into an emotion I will not stay there. I think the guilt my mom sent me definitely succeeded. It felt like she-dislikes-me-for-leaving-but-wanted-me-to-leave concept/trap. I don’t need any guilt or shame, no STP.

    I thought I had my phone set up to not show messages as soon as I touch my phone, previously I had better control over this so I could of perhaps checked her messages at a time I would want to. But it is true I need to remove her out of my life because it brings up the root of a heart break of why I am unloveable and why I had to find somewhere else to belong and unravel self destructive energy within. I had started avoiding social media completely which is why I missed my brother posting stuff about this. I didn’t respond to my mom’s message at all. She sent me a picture of a rabbit afterwards for the “soft”.

    I am officially moving more into my new position. Spending 2 days behind a computer instead of in the lab. I enjoy it but I will miss being around people in a team dynamic. My manager said I will most likely be transitioned into this position by the fall. Making art and taking a deep breathe is keeping me sane. Maybe I could ask a coworker to go for a walk with me or something sometime. Since it is pandemic social distancing time maybe walking with someone is an acceptable activity?

    I honestly have been fearful to go anywhere but I hope to go out into the woods this weekend. It hasn’t sunken in that it is summer yet. I do feel more relieved that my brother is at least home recovering. I just hope he doesn’t have to go back for anything. Thank you for listening to me and offering insight 🙂 I hope you are enjoying the summer.

    #359131
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I hope your brother recovers fully at home, antibiotics are very powerful as long as the particular bacteria don’t become resistant to antibiotics. Himalayan blackberries, they are everywhere (known as a very invasive species), I cleared a lot of them over the years but they come back. Here, north of you, they are flowering, but no berries yet.

    Good thing you are enjoying two days out of the week at work being in front of the computer. I think taking a 6′ apart walk outdoors with a co worker is fine. The transmission of the virus seems to be unlikely outdoors.

    A very good thing is that you noticed the Soft part of your mother’s strategy of Punch Then Soft. I suppose it can be called STP or PTS, Soft first or Punch first. Thank you for wishing me an enjoyable summer, and I wish you the same!

    anita

    #359207
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I had a job in college to remove invasive species for a restoration project. I loved it but those blackberries were difficult but not as stubborn as scotch broom it seems.

    Thank you, I asked him if he had enough of food and everything today and he said he was all good. I tried calling my father today but his phone was out of service. I hope he is alright. I didn’t hear from his girlfriend either. Sometimes his phone is turned off for a few days so I am sure he is okay I hope.

    I had lunch with a coworker outside today about 8ft apart. It was a nice change of pace after being in front of a computer for 5 hours. I might paint with a friend outside. It is that type of art style where you try to paint what is seen in front of you and we could paint together 10ft apart.

    I have found that I keep focus and calm and once I get to my car or have a moment with no obligation I have emotions surface and I just cry a little and keep on going. It is now going to be two weeks since the break up and I do feel more at peace in comparison. The beautiful weather helps it feel like it is still alright with the world even with this pandemic. I try to hold onto that hope.

    I notice I apologize and get embarrassed easily a lot at work. It has become much better since the beginning but I realize professionally it may be visible how hard I can be on myself. It does help me stay vigilant but I would rather just learn and move forward. I guess what I am thinking is that I need to show more confidence in success and in failure. As you have said learning is synonymous with healing 🙂 and I hope to keep learning how to be patient and trust myself.

    For example: I posted a question in a communication channel at work and it was in the wrong channel so I turned red and deleted my comment and then realized I couldn’t fully delete it so I wrote a note *Edit: wrong channel* but it took me a moment to calm down because it felt like such a big mistake although it did no harm. I find that I stay silent in a similar way because it is easier to be silent then to say something potentially wrong, however, I have missed chances to speak up when I did have correct knowledge. I have had times where I shot myself down when I could contribute. Healing slowly but surely.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Zeeza.
    #359223
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Signs of the times: “I had lunch with a coworker outside today about 8ft apart… I might paint with a friend outside.. 10ft apart”.

    “It is now going to be two weeks since the break up and I do feel more at peace in comparison”- no contact with the deliverer of punches=> more peace.

    “I notice I apologize and get embarrassed easily a lot at work.. I need to show more confidence”- next time you notice that you are feeling embarrassed at work, say to yourself: don’t apologize, or when you are about to apologize, stop yourself and don’t apologize. You can’t stop the feeling (embarrassment) but you can stop the behavior (apologizing). If you worry about not apologizing, as if something bad will happen if you don’t apologize, say to yourself: I will postpone this apology to an hour from now, and evaluate if I need to apologize for this later. (When evaluating, ask yourself: did I harm anything or anyone? If not, like in your example of posting a question in the wrong communication channel at work, don’t apologize, “Edit: wrong channel” reads like an appropriate comment to have added there).

    “Healing slowly but surely” is excellent for me to read, good job, I say!

    anita

    #360081
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How have you been? I tried practicing a pause this week when I felt embarrassed and evaluated when would be an appropriate time to say sorry. My perception of reality this week was very much rooted in shame but I was able to tell that this wasn’t true to reality to thinking. For example my director of the lab asked a question about a sample and I answered honestly but I was very afraid of getting in trouble of doing the wrong thing, the director responded with my honest answer that I had a great strategy. The exact opposite of what I was anticipating. So it is like I am constantly looking for when or how I will be punished for doing the wrong thing. However that isn’t reality no one is going to scream at me and if I do make a mistake I will receive constructive feedback.

    My brother says he feels like his full energy is coming back to him so that is great news. I have been having dreams that are very healing. I can’t remember exactly the dream but I remember waking up feeling forgiven and redeemed.

    After weeks of silence my ex texted me last night. I did not respond. He wanted his soup bowl back which I offered at the time of break up. He was like “Can I have my soup bowl unless you threw it away. Hope you have a good forth of July” and 2 hours later he sends me I am blocking you and I hope his d** making you C***. I kinda hate you” I still didn’t respond and emotionally feel disconnected. I don’t have to respond.

    I plan to get my dog groomed today and my pets are cuddling with me on the couch. I hope to have the best day possible and hope you have the best day as well 🙂

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