September 6, 2020 at 11:01 pm #366284
Thank you for helping me paint a better picture of understanding passive aggressiveness and not taking it personally. Thankfully i only work with her two days out of my work week in addition to having a distant work station so I think I can make my work environment positive. If I had to work more closely with this coworker I think I would find another job.
It makes sense that stress can cause Menorrhagia. I have a 3 day weekend and I am so grateful for it after this week. I have let a lot of chores slip than I would feel so satisfied to accomplish.
My thoughts were not very organized in the ending of my previous post I apologize for that. I was referring to the death of my mom’s boyfriend who I grew up with and fear. I no longer have nightmares of him chasing me around the old house anymore. I am trying to bridge a relationship with my brother since he had such a health scare recently while my brother is grieving the loss of his father figure. My brother and I have not talked about his death at all. When I did video with him once before my brother’s health scare I told him that thinking about the past makes me nervous and he was telling me he would come visit me with his girlfriend when it is possible and safe to do so.September 7, 2020 at 9:29 am #366306
I understand working with the coworker you mentioned is manageable only because you don’t work closely with her for long. I hope you do rest during your 3 days off.
Regarding your efforts to “bridge a relationship” with your brother whose father was your abusive step father- I strongly believe that it is a dangerous prospect for you if a bridged relationship includes the two of you even mentioning his father. If he talks to you about his father in an empathetic way, it will damage you. Therefore, unless he views his father the same ways you as you view his father/ your step father, there shouldn’t be any talk about the man between the two of you.
anitaSeptember 7, 2020 at 1:52 pm #366315Aiyana HendersonParticipant
The life you have had has been filled with insurmountable challenges, but the fact that you’re still here writing to us shows that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Let me share a quote that will guide you through this rough week:
“I love life. It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I give to Life exactly what I want Life to give to me. I am glad to be alive. I love Life!”
Despite the fact that we are strangers, if we were acquainted, I’m sure you would be a valuable friend. Love yourself, dear.
AiyanaSeptember 9, 2020 at 11:20 am #366442
Thank you for that lovely quote it brought me to tears. Especially “giving life exactly what I want life to give me”. Be the change, protection, and love you want to exist in the world is what makes life meaningful for me. I hope you Aiyana love yourself dearly as well. Thank you for your kindness.
ZeezaSeptember 9, 2020 at 11:20 am #366443
I hope you are safe from the forest fires. The air quality isn’t too bad here.
I was able to finish dishes, laundry, vacuuming, and groceries. I just kept imagining how it would feel for it to be finished whenever my mind started painting the picture of urging resistance and asked myself what is the smallest step I can take.
I think a part of self trust is being able to show up for yourself and show that you will take care of yourself. I had one beer yesterday. I have had only one drink since February. I stopped drinking while I was dating STP man so I could be less confused. This time of the year is the anniversary of that car wreck and I can say my body feels loads better. My shoulders are still slightly out of alignment but I am getting better at stretching and correcting my posture. I thought it would be okay to have one drink.
I haven’t started paying off any of my student loans yet and honestly am afraid of how to approach that. Initially I thought I would restart classes so repayments wouldn’t occur yet. I noticed this morning that my cat has worms. My dog has a vet appt at the end of the month to get his infected teeth taken care of. I called the vet and scheduled an appt for my cat the same day and ordered over the counter meds for worms for my cat. The vet said medication depends on the type of worm. I am assuming it is the most common one and hopefully that will work. Most vet places are always booked out 2 weeks because of the pandemic times.
I really don’t want to let go of my brother. I guess at this point it is more of the idea of my brother because we have hardly interacted in the past 9 years. A part of of self love is being able to trust myself. Trusting myself stems from not abandoning my truth and my feelings. I think it would be damaging to try to bridge or relationship because I am embarrassed to admit but I feel jealous that he is more important. As if he stole my family away. I know this is not the case because life isn’t black and white. But I think that this is where my self abandonment comes from. If I just change this maybe I can be loved. If I do this maybe people won’t be mad. And I need people for survival.
I find myself craving attention. Day dreaming about being an artist that broadcasts live shows while making art and inspiring people. I actually took steps to see how I could do this and became too self conscious. My mind started focusing on why I shouldn’t do this such as I am not skilled enough, enjoyable enough etc. It is like I am looking for a way to test my sense of worth and prove to myself I have worth. I think irregardless of how well I make art today I will make it with gratitude that I have all my limbs to create.
Because of this weird social divide in my life from leaving my hometown to the other side of the country I have two facebook accounts. One for my old life and connections growing up in highschool etc and one that is shaped around my adult life now. This second account is suppose to be shame and fear free. I do not post on either pages and use it more or less to message people. The reason why I bring up I never post anything is because I noticed that when people have successes or set backs they share it with their friends. Whenever I want to post or share something I think oh I am just wanting attention. I sometimes worry about the cost of being myself. The cost of speaking/living my truth and distancing myself from people who don’t accept it.
ZeezaSeptember 9, 2020 at 11:34 am #366447
Air quality was so bad yesterday that I didn’t go out at all. Today it looks better, although I didn’t test the air yet (the windows are closed and I didn’t step outside).
Too bad your cat has worms and your dog needs dental care, there is a lot of responsibility being a pet-mom, as you call it. And it costs money. I feed the neighbor’s dog repeatedly every day, Trader Joe’s kibble and treats, but that’s the extent of our cost as far as pets go. Hunter is very lean by the way, even though he is fed by two households. He wonders a lot, for hours, burning calories.
I didn’t know that you’ve felt jealous of your brother, feeling that he stole your family away: how did he do it, or what caused you to feel that way?
anitaSeptember 9, 2020 at 12:03 pm #366448
To clarify I am not jealous of my brother but of the father figure who passed. I am glad you are safe from the fires. Indeed I don’t think I thought of all costs when adopting pets but I am making it work.September 9, 2020 at 12:21 pm #366449
Thank you. I am glad you are safe too!
anitaSeptember 11, 2020 at 5:19 pm #366586
I am thinking about you, hoping you are okay, that you are having quality time with your fury loved ones.
anitaSeptember 12, 2020 at 9:54 am #366600
thank you for thinking of me I am doing my best to think positive thoughts because what we think we become. I haven’t been able to sleep much past few nights. Falling asleep around 3am.
trigger warning mom
I deactivated my Facebook because I had confronted my mom via text and of course it didn’t go well but I said please respect my feelings if you want to talk to me. She sent me a image about how she was a “mean” mom abd how parents are seen as mean when teaching kids with is like oh you are so mean for making me clean. So I said mom you were mean it hurts when you smack a kid with rings on. I forgive you but I’m not going to deny history. She gaslighted me so in turn I lost my cool and sent her a voice clip of what she use to say to me repeatedly to prove my point that she was mean. I said oh (my name) you are an idiot oh eyore you going to cry about it now” anyways it wasn’t right of me and I apologized I just felt so mad she wouldn’t admit just a little that she wasn’t mean. So I told her I have no idea how to have this convo with you this hurts etc. She tried to do a character assignation of all my wrongs it was like not constructive. she told me I was a Victim status and needed to grow up. I said you are right I am not a victim because I voice my opinion instead of feeling powerless.
I am sorry Anita I should of approached this more carefully.September 12, 2020 at 10:19 am #366603
No need to apologize to me. Glad to read that you are okay enough to type a post. Here, the smoke is thick and even though the windows are closed, the smoke is in the house; once in a while I experience a panicky moment. How is the air quality in your area?
As far as your mother goes, I wish you had no contact with her anywhere. She really is mean, still. She doesn’t smack you with her hand/s, with rings on, but she smacks you otherwise. The title of your thread is “History on Repeat”. Repeated Contact with your Mother keeps.. History on Repeat.
What has been keeping you up till 3 am?
anitaSeptember 12, 2020 at 12:43 pm #366610
I can understand the moments of panic. There is an orange hue to the air it seems here. I wonder if people leave out water for the animals rejoining themselves. I soothe myself with the reminder that Some seeds in Washington Require fire in order for germination. Some indigenous cultures would burn sections of areas ritually to help this process.
yes I am grateful to deactivate my account. At work I am playing a time lapse of northern lights. Can’t see the sky but it is still there. Mother Nature fascinates me with the ability to recover and grow back. Resilience up the the yin yang 🙂September 12, 2020 at 12:44 pm #366611
Sorry type leaving out water for animals rehoming themselves.September 12, 2020 at 12:45 pm #366612
I will respond more to your question this evening thank you for asking. Sending positive energySeptember 12, 2020 at 12:48 pm #366613
Reading your positive attitude makes me feel better. It is good to get this kind of support when I need it- thank you. I will be heading to the city north of me for some time out, I hope the air is better there!