September 13, 2020 at 2:29 am #366657
I hope you can have a breath of fresh air and enjoy a new scenery. I am grateful and honored to be a support as you have supported me. That is what friends are for! I am not sure why I can’t sleep it is like my mind is anxiously trying to solve a problem that is too philosophical bring circular thinking. I am overly analyzing how the world is and how to heal.September 13, 2020 at 6:32 am #366659
That’s what friends are for, I like that! When your mind is “anxiously trying to solve a problem.. over analyzing how the world is and how to heal”, try to leave the part of the brain that’s doing this activity, keeping you up at night, and go to -> -> a different part of the brain that can visualize “a new scenery”, such as the ocean or the desert, some scenery that you enjoy, and stay there. When the anxious/over analyzing part of the brain gets your attention again, again go to -> -> the visualizing a new scenery part of the brain.
anitaSeptember 15, 2020 at 12:56 am #366748
I feel so grateful when I have deep breathe of calm and when I realize how calm and grateful I am I take an even take a deeper breath to celebrate. I have been visualizing the desert. I love how wide and open it feels with the ever presence of the sun. I have been actively trying to change my posture to be more tall and it definitely helps my feel better. I am really thinking about making a rule that I am only allowed to sit down for 30 minutes at a time so I do not become stuck in my head.
I did block my mom and I won’t go back on it. It is asking for my mind to have a havoc of memories.
One of the major points my mom made about me that stuck in my head after I deactivated my account was that I was playing the victim and that I needed to grow up and to go find someone who has sympathy because she is done.
I reactivated my account and responded with quoting a poem about love, “love is patient love is kind” etc. and that we both deserve love and to let go of anything in the way. She said take your own advice. I said take good care of yourself and blocked her. Truly that was my kindest way I could try to go about it and I am trying my best to let go with love.
I do not want to be in a victim mindset and I do not like that term. Perhaps a better term for that would be a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset. I like to remind myself of this YES AND method. For example, if my mind conjures negative thoughts like I made a terrible mistake I can reply Yes and I will fix it. or I feel really sad and I can Yes and that’s ok everything changes. I feel like I am not a very responsible person; yes and I am doing my best to remedy this.
It rained a little bit here for a short time and it was beautiful. I hope the air is clearing up for you.
ZeezaSeptember 15, 2020 at 8:46 am #366757
It was interesting for me to read that you visualized the scenery of a desert because only yesterday I was wondering to myself if it is better to live in the desert vs in a wooded area, given that fires are stronger and more frequent because of climate change, but then I imagined that, given the climate change, an even hotter desert is not an appealing or practical thought. It rained here a bit yesterday, and today it is windy, and I saw the sky for the first time in days, how exciting! But the air outside smells significantly smoky.
I like your “YES AND method”: I made a mistake.. Yes, And I will fix it; I feel sad.. Yes, And that’s okay, everything changes; I may not responsible.. Yes, And I am doing my best to remedy this.
You wrote: “One of the major points my mom made about me that stuck in my head after I deactivated my account was that I was playing the victim and that I needed to grow up and go find someone who has sympathy because she is done… I am trying my best to let go with love. I do not want to be in a victim mindset and I do not like that term”-
A comment: In all of my communication with you over such a long time, never did I detect a victim mindset, it never even crossed my mind. On the contrary, I detected positive attitude, resourcefulness, perseverance, and personal responsibility. A victim mindset is one that either exaggerates neglect and abuse, and/or one keeps talking and talking about having been victimized, blaming the victimizers without working on healing and improving one’s mental health.
You did the opposite of these things: you shared very little about the neglect and abused your suffered, you minimized the abuse of you, particularly the abuse you suffered from your mother, and you work hard every day on healing and improving your mental health.
A question regarding your effort to let go of your mother with love- I believe it is a very good idea to let go of your mother, but why are you trying to let go of her with love?
September 15, 2020 at 11:58 am #366778
- This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by anita.
Yay I am so glad you saw the sky! I don’t smell smoke it just appears hazey but not nearly as hazey as it was before.
The reason I imagined the desert is because usually I camp out in the desert with friends around this time of year. What I enjoy about it is how nothing blocks you from the sky so I enjoy estimating time via the sun’s position and sunrises and sunsets are so beautiful because you can watch the whole sky change into a twilight.
Thank you for helping me frame this understanding of vicim mindset. I can’t see the validity of her argument but I did try to openly consider fault or anything I can improve with.
I am trying to let go of my mom with love because I really did feel angry. Angry that she would talk down to me in such a way that basically undertones what you think and feel is invalid and I am sick of you. I use to be so suicidal and I am not trying to blame it on my mom but I can see how someone can be berated to that point. And then her trying to blame me for being hurt and sad is damaging, it is as if she wants me to obliterate my sense of self and truth. I wanted to let go with love so my anger wouldn’t overtake me to behave in the same way she has. I didn’t want to harm her back even though I felt like I needed to defend myself. I let go wit love because we both deserve a chance of healing and if we don’t have an example of what love is in communication and in action then how can we exist as anything else.
I use to say the best revenge is to not let the feeling of worthlessness win. It would make me angry that I felt the way I did and it would live in my mind rent free. It use to be a mindset of oh you don’t believe in me? just watch what I can accomplish. This attitude wasn’t sustainable because if I did fall short it felt like the weight of my worth was too tied with it. Now I am in the perspective of I don’t need to prove anything I can just strive to be the change I want to see in the world.
ZeezaSeptember 15, 2020 at 1:22 pm #366786
The sky is not blue yet, but I can see the clouds, wasn’t able to see the clouds in earlier days. It will be nice to get the blue back. And yes, I experienced the beauty of a desert.
You wrote: “I am trying to let go of my mom with love because I really did feel angry… so my anger wouldn’t overtake me to behave in the same way she has… because we both deserve a chance of healing”-
Your healing depends on not having contact with her because contact with her is harmful to your healing. If she chooses to heal, she can do it on her own, with other people’s help. No need for you to keep chasing her, insisting that she heals (and finally be a decent person and a decent mother!)
Don’t try to rid yourself of your valid anger as if it is a bad emotion. Anger does not mean that you will behave like she behaved. You need your valid anger so to continue to heal, so to put yourself first.
I believe that it is a good idea for you to let your mother go. Not with love, just.. let her go. Let go of hope that she could be a good mother to you, if only she heals, if only she understands, if only.. Let her go.
September 15, 2020 at 1:39 pm #366788
- This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by anita.
The sky is blue right now, 1:39 pm, it’s blue!!!
anitaSeptember 19, 2020 at 9:20 am #366955
the rain cleared up some of the smoke yesterday. Yay Blue skies!
I have been trying to reflect on what you have said and reaching into my anger that protects me. It is difficult to resonate with. I noticed how I get angry outwardly by being oersted by little things or having an outlook where my anger is directed at myself. I’ve been listening to my heavy metal music again definitely a safe place to feel anger. Overall I feel a lot calmer and less afraid of being pointed out that I am bad.
Yeah I let go of the if onlys with my mom. I try not to think on it because I don’t want any more time or energy wasted on an uncontrollable situation.
I am grateful to have a place to live and to be able to support myself. My mom said I would be homeless when I told her years ago I was moving. She told me she was glad I didn’t work in a brothel when I said I worked at this new job so yes I can easily get angry thinking on this because it seems to me her aim is to destroy my courage and positive self regard feedback is only helpful if it is directed with a solution not an out right attack. So yes I let go and hope to keep maki NV an outlet for anger such as art.September 19, 2020 at 10:08 am #366956
Yes, it rained a bit last night. I can see clouds in the sky, which is better than the uniform smog layer. Yesterday I took my usual walk outside, it didn’t feel too smoky and it felt good to do my walk outside (been using the treadmill indoors).
A child of any age, needs to believe that her mother wants the best for her, and it is hard to believe otherwise. When a child becomes aware that her mother is harming her, verbally or otherwise, the child feels fear and later, anger at the person doing the harming. But because the person is one’s mother, and the harming is repeated, the child removes that awareness (that her mother is harming her) from her mind best she can, and she shifts the majority of that anger from being directed at the mother, to being directed at the self.
Healing is about retrieving that awareness, becoming fully aware of the truth and re-directing that anger at the person doing the harming. This anger is needed for healing because will be motivate you to keep yourself out of harm’s way, which means here, to keep yourself away from your mother.
anitaSeptember 25, 2020 at 7:58 am #367230
My dog and I went to old growth forests and the ocean. We saw a seal and pelicans riding the waves. If it started raining I just put my pup in my hoodie. I found another heart shaped rock and the softest rock of my life. I’m guessing it took years of ocean waves to smooth out this rock.
I fixed my sleep schedule finally catching up on sleep and now falling asleep early once again. I made a list of daily art themed drawings for October. Fall is definitely one of my favorite seasons. Do you have a favorite season?
When I feel angry towards myself for falling short I try to switch it around by being grateful for what I have finished so far. If I find myself focusing on what I lack I try to focus on what I do have. I am still digesting and learning what your previous post means. Thank you for explaining it to me.
I find that I am craving recougnition. Being outside helped me feel recognized my the forces of nature. One of my art accounts was followed by a gentleman who does tattoos and did my only tattoo like 5 years ago. He complimented all my art! I couldn’t believe how that made me feel. Then my phone must of had spam or something but I got a notification one of my favorite musicians followed me. I thought wow what if I did album artwork! I was so giddy and then realized it wasn’t real hahaha. I’m wondering how I can provide this sense of recognition and value within myself without the outside world validating my worth? I’m not sure if it is possible but I’d love to jump up and down each day because I am happy to be me. Not sure how realistic that is but I am definitely more kind to myself.
How has your week been? I hope the rain cleared up the air and serenity is returned.
ZeezaSeptember 25, 2020 at 9:34 am #367236
Good to read that your sleep schedule is better, that you switch from angry to grateful, and from what you lack to what you have. I am imagining you with your pup in your hoodie in old forest growth and the ocean, with a soft rock in your hand.
I understand you craving recognition for your artwork. “I’m wondering how I can provide this sense of recognition and value within myself without the outside world validating my worth”- as social animals, we will always need a few other people to value us, we are each other’s mirror, reflecting each other’s image. This is why we need to be kind to each other. To provide yourself recognition and value without other people- continue to be kind to yourself, treat yourself with kindness.
My week is fine, went by fast, raining here, grey, good to not smell smoke. I wish it rained in California. I don’t have a favorite season. I love the Fall, but I don’t like strong winds (trees falling, power outage). I like how snow looks and feels in the winter when it is fresh, but I don’t like how it freezes and makes walking and driving dangerous. Good to read from you, Zeeza, I thought about your earlier this morning, before you posted.
anitaSeptember 26, 2020 at 9:55 am #367274
I think about you too inspired by how much positive energy and kindness you are with tiny Buddha and part of me wonders and hopes that you are at peace and that pain of others doesn’t add any stress to you.
I love the sound of when it freshly snows. I really love the way you explained kindness and reflections. It truly makes a lot of sense. I want to reply more but I haven’t fully thought out my ideas to express them.September 26, 2020 at 10:53 am #367279
Thank you for your appreciation and your kind words, your post makes me feel good, in this rainy, grey day!
“I want to reply more but I haven’t fully thought out my ideas to express them”- I like your short reply today just as it is. It doesn’t need to be longer, or to include all your thoughts, expressed perfectly. You can post short posts anytime, express this or that in any one post, and then post again later, whenever you feel like it.
anitaSeptember 26, 2020 at 10:05 pm #367291
I just ordered vinyl sticker paper and laminate to protect from UV radiation and water so that I can make stickers that will last.
I have made 3 different versions of the gas mask with plants growing out of it. Still not at a final version to make into a sticker. The goal is to make symbols of hope. The Not Today Satan stickers I made previously were well loved but peeled quickly. It has been interesting researching how to DIY vinyl stickers. The next hurdle is the craft of cutting the paper to the shape of the sticker. There is this ceramic blade attached to a handle that looks like a pen really.
If you could make a motto/image a sticker to share with the world how would you express it?
and thank you for reminding me of the freedom of expression. I have done well with redirecting shame and weird memories. Such as seeing a video of someone cutting wood (reminded me of the man growing up) and I just messaged my boss late at night in fear of a mistake I made that could of damaged the instruments but she said that there is no error I made and thanks.