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This topic contains 78 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Zeeza 5 hours, 51 minutes ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 79 total)
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  • #299033

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Thank you, I hope to be able to announce that my lower back is good and strong soon enough.

    To honor the love your father does have for you, when he is not otherwise occupied, do what is right for you, do what promotes your healing and limit your communication with him, so you are not dragged backward.

    anita

    #302339

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I felt recently a soul shifting in healing. My brother stole my art. We had not spoken in almost two years and I am not sure why. He just stopped responding. He made a post in his instagram with my art saying “I drew this when I felt angry and it shows”

    I asked him to help me make a watermark in response so it is like we are making the art together. I have a hard time feeling anger. I go into self blame. He told me previously he feels angry a lot and copes with satanism. He hasn’t said a word to me in response but deleted the post.

    When we grew up we bounced houses together. Our parents robbed drug stores and then disappeared. I was talking to my aunt and apparently I blocked out this memory but the police had picked my brother and I up and we went to our grandmas house. May her soul rest in peace. He was 3 and I was 8

    I don’t know why he stole my art. But I know when I left home at 16 and he was 11 he didn’t want it. I told him before I left I was running away. That I wish I could take him with me. He didn’t take it well.

    I thought maybe he is angry at me about this. In addition to messaging him about the watermark I told my brother that during this time of when we lived at grandmas, my paternal grandma (because we had different dads) offered to for me to live with her. I told her that I can’t leave without my brother. He still hasn’t responded so in my own art instagram I made my art piece that he stole dedicated to him.

    When we did speak two years ago he said that the art and CDs I left behind inspired him. That he tried to draw what I draw. He told me he wanted to be a singer so I got him a microphone and a practice singing audio guide.

    The drawing was of an owl and his first tattoo was a giant owl.

    This was all last night.

    Before all that I had a relapse in self harm. I was with a guy who didn’t respect my no with my body. I left him today.

    I wrote a letter to him about respect. Wished him luck on his journey to learn and dropped his stuff at the door. He saw me and followed me with his car. It scared me because he has guns. I went to the police station. He went away. I blocked him everywhere.

    I am in school still. I am killing it in lab 🙂 people are asking me questions and I try to be supportive. When someone tells me that they are embarrassed of their mistakes. That it is ok we can learn together it happens to all of us.

    My goal is to learn how to have boundaries with tough love. Because that is how we have deep and meaningful relationships. To learn how to not react to all my thoughts and be an observer. I don’t need to give myself up to modify myself to feel ok by someone else’s approval. I can think for myself again. I hear my inner voice no longer dissociated.

    I reached out to friends. My Best friend of 12 years is visiting me this summer.

    I am trying to collect quotes and this one speaks out to me. I sent it to my mother and she agreed

    “Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same and that is why life is hard”

    As a family we are trying to heal the addictions and respect our boundaries with ourselves and others.

    As long as I let as much love in as I let out I will feel the traces of infinite. Trust is the voice of the soul.

    I trust myself to get through no matter what. That life isn’t just what happens to me but what happens within me

     

    so may the light not only shine upon you but from within you.

     

     

     

     

    #302399

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    “He told me he wanted to be a singer so I got him a microphone and a practice singing audio guide”- that was very kind of you to do that.

    Your brother and you were both damaged growing up where you did, in that household. But siblings often turn against siblings so to survive a dangerous home, a sibling siding with an aggressive parent, for example, against another sibling, joining the parent in tormenting a particular sibling so to.. team up with the parent and be approved of that way. Or a sibling so enraged, releasing her rage by abusing a younger sibling.

    What do you mean by  “he (your brother) feels angry a lot and copes with satanism”?

    And regarding: “I was with a guy who didn’t respect my no with my body. I left him today”- are you referring to the boyfriend you mentioned earlier in this thread, the one who got upset when you told him about a rape you experienced in the past?

    anita

    #302401

    Zeeza
    Participant

    My brother and I use to wrestle a lot. Sometimes out of fun and sometimes out of anger. I would hold his head away from me so he could only kick me and it would enrage him. My mom would watch and laugh.

    When I got headlice I was treated like a filthy animal. Not allowed to touch anything. IT was all my fault. I had to get rid of it myself I was about 11. I would sit there combing through my hair with the treatment as my mom and my brother were like rip and tear Britt rip and tear. I remember wanting to disappear when at the family christmas dinner they had to tell everyone I keep catching headlice. My mom cut my hair with the kitchen scissors. To my chin. That is why my hair is always long now. I grew up not wanting bangs and to grow them out. My mom would call me eyore and to quit crying and grow a back bone. She hated that my bangs could reach my eyes and told me I must wear a headband at all times. THe head band would hurt my head it was tight. I recently found some kitty ears. I haven’t worn head bands ever since but the pain on my head is still there. haha funny how things stick with you.

    He never wanted to forgive me for breaking his bb gun. I accidentally stepped on it getting off my top bunk. And one time we were pretending to be sumo wrestlers and i hurt his back. He never forgave me for that.

    He use to get so angry when I tried to bring him inside. He hit my in the head with a metal bar once because he didn’t want to go. He was really little. My brother can stand up to my mom. That is what I think made her shift in her thinking.

    I was jelous of my brother because my mom never got mad at him really. SHe would take him to karate lessons and therapy. I had to walk 45 minutes if I wanted to do anything after school. Which is fine but when I was being punished my theater and singing was forbidden.

    ” he (your brother) feels angry a lot and copes with satanism”?—- I am not sure what I mean. He just told me this and said he didn’t react to our past the same I did. He didn’t become suicidal like me and take it in but put it out. He said that he found satanism as a resource to help. I don’t know much about satanism.

    “I was with a guy who didn’t respect my no with my body. I left him today”- are you referring to the boyfriend you mentioned earlier in this thread, the one who got upset when you told him about a rape you experienced in the past?

    Yes it is this guy. He would playfully hold me down and I kept asking him to stop. I would say no and then one day he told me I just want to know what your firm no is. and I am like all my nos are firm? He said I wish I could do whatever whenever I want with your body.

    #302403

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    “He just told me this and said he didn’t react to our past the same I did. He didn’t become suicidal like me and take it in but put it out”-

    – siblings don’t react to the same home the same ways. Often siblings are more different in ways of reacting than strangers because siblings tend to take opposite roles in the household: the troublemaker vs the obedient one, for example.

    But all siblings suffer.

    That ex boyfriend of yours, what a shame, I was hoping he was a decent guy, but to say to you: “I wish I could do whatever whenever I want with your body”, knowing you were raped before, and maybe knowing that you were sexually abused as a child, is unconscionable.

    Your mother was terrible to you. How is your contact with her now?

    anita

    #302405

    Zeeza
    Participant

    My mother says she made mistakes and she wishes she did better. Sends me self esteem memes.

    Makes me upset because it is like she dancing on an old wound and I don’t trust her. She even admitted she lures people in with kindess before attacking.

    She told me she will love me no matter what.

    Her new boyfriend died last month. I use to come to her crying on holidays she would be crying that nobody loves me. I told her I Love you mommy. Just like when our house got raided. OR when she was in my room hold her arm because it hurt. Because of the violence. while I hid under my bed to come out are you ok mom?

    #302407

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    It is easy to articulate the words: I-will-love-you-no-matter-what. I takes only a few seconds and it burns a calorie and a half (I am guessing), very little effort. I-made-mistakes is also easy to say, and it is something people say without detailing the mistakes, or .. purposeful wrong doings against their children.

    They just say: I made mistakes, letting the adult child fill in the details, so the parent doesn’t have to, that would be too uncomfortable.

    But to make up just a bit for certain mistakes, shouldn’t a parent be willing to be inconvenienced by detailing a few of those mistakes…?

    anita

    #302409

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I have tried to bring up details.  A couple years ago when I visited her. She says she doesn’t remember to a lot of them.

    I want to stand in my power and hold myself and others accountable for actions. but it is too painful for her to face it.

    The details I brought up was when she accused me of drinking and partying when I was 14. She read all my emails and thought pepsi was code for beer. I had to lose contact with all my friends. As an adult I told her this wasn’t all true. I didn’t drink. She took that all in silence.

    #302415

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    “She says she doesn’t remember”. When you told her about her boyfriend at the time sexually abusing you, she asked for more details because the details you gave her were not enough for her to … believe you. So she can’t remember and she doesn’t trust you to tell her the truth… so what is the point of talking to her, being in contact with her???

    anita

    #302417

    Zeeza
    Participant

    It is like an illusion of having family. Looking at pictures of my youngest brother. My mom telling me he spoke of me today. That I can come back and visit. Even though it takes all my strength to do so.

    The pain of feeling like I lost my whole family feels like it is connected to my mom. Losing my brothers and some aunts. I have my grandma and one aunt who was abused by the same guy who will always believe me.

    I just dont want him to win. I dont want him to take my family away from me.

    The question of which type of pain and choice is most nurturing is hard. When I am in contact it makes it easier to not repress all my memories and grieve the loss of it all. When I am in contact it reminds me of the shame I need to heal.  When I am not in contact I think everyone forgot me. They wanted me to disappear.

    I am trying my best to sort out my thoughts but it is hard to be rational. Thank you for helping me sort out this process.

    I appreciate you

    #302423

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    You are welcome and thank you for letting me know that you appreciate me. I didn’t understand parts of your recent post. Maybe because like you wrote, you are sorting out your thoughts.

    “an illusion of having a family”, a family like it should have been, oh, my goodness, nothing feels better than that illusion.

    “My mom telling me .. That I  can come back and visit”- you know you will not be encountering the illusion when you visit, not for long anyway.

    “The pain of feeling like I lost my whole family”- not a bad thing, is it, when you figure what it really is that you lost: the illusion/  hope of going back in time and having a re-do of your childhood in a safe, loving home, this time around.

    “I just don’t want him to win. I don’t want him to take my family away from me”- you mean your mother’s boyfriend who sexually abused you?

    If this is who you are talking about, he is responsible for what he did to you, but he is not responsible for your mother not protecting you from him and for her not believing you once you told her… and he is not responsible for the many other ways she failed you as a mother.

    anita

    #302429

    Zeeza
    Participant

    Thank you for helping me clarify that and it makes total sense. It is going to take some time for me to come to accept.

    I hope your back is feeling better. I am burning incense listening music trying to mediate my thoughts. There are many internal voices from many different times in my life speaking to me. Wanting to be listened to and healed. Now that I feel safe enough to listen to it.

    I am going to set an appointment for therapy again. My doctor said it would help me set boundaries.

    There is nothing more healing than someone who understands and has learned how to overcome. Thank you for being that someone is what I really mean. I hope to be the change I want to see as well.

    #302431

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    My lower back is so much better, thank you. And I appreciate your last paragraph, it feels good to read it, how kind of you to write these things for me.

    “Now that I feel safe enough”- safety is key, it is what you needed as a child and what you still need. See to it that you are as safe as possible, every day and do what it takes to remain safe. Post again anytime you would like. I will be glad to read and reply to you any time you post.

    anita

     

    #302647

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I couldn’t stop crying last night. It was 3am and I knew the only other person who would be awake would be my mom because she wakes up so early. Her words haunting me from the past so I messaged her and asked her:

    How do I stop being such a drama queen and grow a back bone? I isolate myself because I hate the way I am sometimes. I wish I was stronger.

    She messaged me that ” You are the way you are and nothing is wrong with that. Go outside get in nature live your life. We all don’t want to feel bad sometimes but that is what makes us alive”

    My dad is calling me too to make sure I am safe and giving my meditation advice and self defense advice.

    Feels like a miracle to have their support.

    #302651

    Zeeza
    Participant

    I think it is interesting that there is a fine line between love and hate, medicine and addiction. But having these states overlap helps me have hope that I can change into a healthier space. That I can find the need for love in hate and the need for medicine in addiction. And make a better choice because of it.

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 79 total)

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