July 9, 2019 at 5:10 pm #302661
I will be able to reply to your recent posts when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now. If you can, please add how you are feeling right now and more about how you feel about your parents’ responses to you lately, more about what you mean by “Feels like a miracle”.
July 9, 2019 at 6:13 pm #302667
- This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by anita.
I feel like the shame within me is dissipating. That I can live with integrity and not get lost in all my thoughts and emotions but focus my intentions on my goals. I have laughed a couple times today and it has been so long. I feel like a can love myself unconditionally and love others unconditionally. That I can stop feeding my fears and decide to prepare for what is to come.
Life is precious and if I waste time then time will waste me. I feel less needy and that it is safe to set boundaries.
I know I might go backwards and forwards but the bottom of it all is that I believe in myself and I don’t want to disappear anymore.July 9, 2019 at 6:19 pm #302669
Another part of me worries that if this is all a layer or a shell to make myself feel like I am now loveable.
Like a mask
but if I want to shift and change what I want to become I have to create it instead of focusing on destroying the old. The pain is still there even if I could wish it away but I can’t let it dominate my life.July 10, 2019 at 7:09 am #302729
“if I want to shift and change what I want to become I have to create it instead of focusing on destroying the old”-
– I suggest you make a plan, starting in defining your objective, “to shift and change what I want to become”- define what it is that you want to become, specify what it is, that is your objective.
Then make a plan: longer term and short term, a day to day routine of some kind. Longer term plan would be your education/ career, and existing/ future relationships (which relationships need to end, which need to be modified, what relationship do you wish to have in the future with a partner you didn’t yet meet). Day to day plan will include getting out of bed time, going to sleep time, exercise, nutrition, study time and so forth.
A daily routine is very important if you are to make your current positive motivation last.
If you want to put together such a plan here, on your thread, please do and I will be glad to give you my input on it.
anitaJuly 13, 2019 at 6:32 pm #303217
Thank you for helping me direct this positive movement. I took this advice and started doing what I need to do to keep things flowing and did well in my lab, eating and sleeping normally again.
My objective is to be self reliant and inspire hope. The goals that direct this purpose is flourishing in science (because research for modern medicine) and never stop making art.
Seeing people rise against the suffering that is life is worth the most. As Vincent Van Gogh once said “art is to console those who are broken by life”
and “It is looking at things for a long time that ripens you and gives you a deeper meaning”–Vincent Van Gogh (This is something I remind myself to practice radical acceptance rather than avoidance with distress tolerance)
Morning: Wake Up at 7am and sit outside the back deck while coffee is being made. Play music and start some stretches. Take care of my animals and get ready for the day.
Evening: Burn incense when arriving home and greet/care for animals, start dinner, journal and make a todo list for tomorrow. Read a book and turn off technology to fall asleep before 11pm.
Weekday Coping Theme
Sunday- Meal planning and cleansing for the week
Monday- Listen to new Music with headphones while walking.
Tuesday-Walk at a Nature Path with my dog.
Wednesday-Check in Calls with Family Members and Friends
Thursday, Friday, Saturday Paint and Draw
Within a year the overall goal is to get my first job in the science field and gift art to friends.
my formula for happiness is to always keep learning and connecting with people.
I want to move in the Spring into a more affordable place.
On another note I was walking my dog today and got a bad gut feeling so I listened to it and hurried inside. I saw my ex best friend whom I haven’t spoken with in months through my window flipping me off.
I am glad I trusted my instincts but I am concerned with how this is turning into potential stalking. I want to feel safe going outside. Another reason to cement moving. My ex Boyfriend stopped contacting me after I blocked 3 different phone numbers. I started to let my guard down a little. I want to feel safe to walk outside in nature. Sometimes I feel like I walk around with a big target on my head.
July 15, 2019 at 10:22 am #303409
- This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by Zeeza.
Your objective: “to be self reliant and inspire people”.
Your short term and long plan fit your objective, and now it is about being flexible to adjust these plans, to not be rigid, and to be persistent in adjusting and following your plans.
You understand the excellent concepts of radical acceptance and distress tolerance, to name a couple. Practice these concepts daily and keep going, don’t give up when you encounter difficulties and unpleasantness such as a former friend flipping you off. I wish she didn’t. Tolerate that distress and hopefully you will find a more affordable place to live in an area that this person doesn’t frequent.
Be careful who you interact with in the future so to not add people into your life who will act aggressively, stalking you or any such thing. It always pays to avoid people and situations that will cause you distress, then finding yourself in such situations that could have been avoided and prevented.
I like the quote: “art is to console those who are broken by life”.
anitaJuly 19, 2019 at 9:28 am #303945
I need to be better at practicing being “careful who you interact with in the future so to not add people into your life”
I found a woman in distress trying to escape a crazy ex who cut up her license and needed help cashing a check. Turned out to be a scam and now my account is negative. I am waiting for the bank to call me back. I tried to not let this overthrow my day but was not successful as much as I would hope I would be.
Yesterday I had a doctors appointment and they found 2 lumps in my right breast. Doc wants to do an ultrasound. I know it is an 80% chance it is benign because I am young and many women get lumps. I quit drinking a month ago and I know that increases my risk. I have to wait for mail to arrive to see if my insurance will cover the ultrasound.
I did a tarot card spread the other day just for fun and my final outcome was Satan. Stating that my life would change soon with powers greater than myself. I am learning how to embrace the unknown but I am also trying my best to not live in my emotions and trust reason and logic. Trying to be patient with myself and stop catastrophizingJuly 19, 2019 at 10:08 am #303961
First priority, that ultrasound, do you have an appointment to do the ultrasound?
anitaJuly 19, 2019 at 10:09 am #303963
No I don’t have an appointment. I can’t make one until insurance says it is ok is my understanding.July 19, 2019 at 10:17 am #303969
When will your insurance give you the ok (or the not ok)?
anitaJuly 19, 2019 at 10:23 am #303971
They said I should get something in the mail in about a week.July 19, 2019 at 10:30 am #303977
Ten days ago, July 9, you wrote regarding your mother and father: “Feels like a miracle to have their support”- did any one of you suggest that you have an ultrasound ASAP and that either one of them, or both, will pay for it?
anitaJuly 19, 2019 at 11:59 am #303995
I just called my health insurance to try to speed up the process and the say I am absolutely eligible and gave me a few numbers to call. I am on hold now. Thank you for helping me find a direction. Got to keep moving forward.July 19, 2019 at 12:14 pm #304001
You are welcome. Please let me know when you will be having the ultrasound.
anitaJuly 19, 2019 at 12:24 pm #304005
I have an appointment at 8:00 am on Monday. Like a miracle!