March 11, 2021 at 9:38 am #375912
Good reading from you this sunny Thursday morning! Glad to read that you are working toward quitting vaping/ nicotine as well as taking a break from weed, and that you are indeed moving and taking care of practical stuff like car insurance. I wish your boyfriend was not critical of you- you need a positive, supportive attitude around you, not a critical attitude.
Simulating the calming affects of vaping in the ways you described is an excellent strategy, keep at it!
anitaMarch 12, 2021 at 9:42 am #375962
Thank you I made it to day 3 which is the furthest I have made it in a long time. Still no vaping yay and it feels like a reward to not vape and replace it with something more substantial. I am still anxious but it is manageable and I just have a mental habit to keep looking for my vape and then I realize oh I’ll take a deep breath instead. I even started whistling that seems to help too with the change in air flow.
I think it is safe to say I am unchained from that habit. I went back to it when in crisis mode after I quit for a year a couple of years ago. So the only real thing I need to focus on that when I feel I am in crisis to not reach for my vape and hopefully won’t feel like I am in crisis for awhile. I think it helps to be less afraid to feel all of my emotions.?
I have so many extra boxes from work this move is really happening. I don’t think my couch will fit well with a bed in this place and my art desks. But I don’t want to get rid of the couch since Harry loves it so much. Maybe I could just replace it with a smaller one or something. My art desks take up a bit of space otherwise most of it would all fit. I can’t let go of my dog box yet it is full of dog stuff but I am giving away somethings I know I won’t need like my doggie door.
I hope you have the best day Anita!
ZeezaMarch 12, 2021 at 9:51 am #375963
Good job at quitting vaping so far, excellent strategy! If you don’t move the couch to the new place, maybe you can move part of the couch, a cushion that Harry likes to sit on, to the new place?
anitaMarch 15, 2021 at 7:57 am #376119
yes I think keeping a cushion for him is a good idea. I got to day 5 before I caved and reached for my vape. I worked 10 hours then I had to turn around and arrive early with less then 12 hours between shifts. Then I got a tattoo I have been planning and saw a dog that looked like Casper. He was a cutie named blue. Anyways the next day I worked from home. When I got off work I wanted my vape like how I wanted an internal hug. I am proud how far I’ve come. After that I slept 10 hours and here I am. It is the last day before my weekend. I’ll try to quit vaping again but maybe not anytime soon. Maybe after I move. I noticed my mindfulness and scheduling ahead of time stopped when I had to throw so much of myself into work it seemed like. At least the part of staying late and then arriving early is what throws me off.
I hope you are well Anita and happy day light savings time.
March 15, 2021 at 8:24 am #376122
- This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
Good to read from you and happy (second) day-light savings time to you too. I hope that you quit vaping sometime later this year. I like the term you used, “an internal hug”- can you describe to me what this hug feels like, when you feel it?
anitaMarch 15, 2021 at 8:20 pm #376157
If I could describe an internal hug it would be feeling loved, accepted, like I belong and that making mistakes doesn’t mean I am bad.
I feel really sad today. I feel like I keep having unsuccessful internal hugs. But I am trying. I’ve talked about how it feels like work is burning me out and yet it feels like nothing has changed no matter what I try to modify by end of my week I feel frustrated without direction. In general I feel frustrated without direction sometimes. It feels like I change my mind too often. Trying to find another job but then trying to make this job work, thinking that perhaps this relationship isn’t healthy for me. then thinking it is healthy and I just need to do XYZ. I felt sad most of the day.
Normally I only see my boyfriend on the weekends. I asked if I could see him tonight and he told me I don’t know. I asked how do you mean? He said that well you are going to pack better without me or maybe you’d pack better with me there. and I got really angry. Because I don’t want to pack tonight. I want to relax and it just experienced it like I was being treated like a child and judged for what progress I had made. I don’t need someone to tell me how to be how what I need to do. I struggle sometimes with depression and i am slow to get things done but I do eventually get it done and I have survived this whole time without him. I keep getting angry at work for the working conditions and the constant paranoia of seeing him interact with another girl at work. I can’t tell if it is legitimate or not but they always seem to be all smiles. And that is usually when I feel more alone. And lost in overworking with too many details. I don’t want to work 10 hours shifts anymore. I don’t want to feel judged or like I have someone watching me to tell me where I am falling short.
I miss casper so so much he is home to me and I don’t think that pain will ever go away it seems. I felt like I had made so much progress organizing things and being mindful and it hurts to not keep maintaining it.March 15, 2021 at 8:34 pm #376158
Don’t give up, it will be okay, it’s just difficult at this time: 10 hour shifts and moving ate two difficult situations, plus a boyfriend who will not be there for you on a weekday when you need an external hug. You need to work fewer hours and you need more social support than what you are receiving.
I understand you missing Casper. Again, as strange as it may sound (since I never met Casper), I miss him too. I felt a connection to him through you, through what you shared with me about him. I remember you having him inside your coat one day, as if I was there. May that memory, of his warm little body against yours, give you that internal hug feeling that you need.
I will be back to the computer in the morning. Please have a restful night.
anitaMarch 15, 2021 at 9:41 pm #376159
thank you for your patience and understanding. I tried being direct with my boyfriend saying it hurt we didn’t see each other and thought it was rude he told me to pack instead. He told me I’m sorry but your house is too messy and I am not going to pack your stuff but I will help move and that he would like to watch tv with me but he would rather focus on his knife collection too. I said you have never packed my stuff so I don’t know where this is coming from. I don’t need your help moving and have a nice weekend “
I then reached out to a friend who could maybe help me move a mattress.
As for my mess, there are stuff everywhere, maybe a couple dishes in the sink, the cat box is clean. For some reason I just want to take personal offense and I feel angry like I never want to see him again.
so yes internal hugs with Casper tonight and gather my strength to finish this move.March 16, 2021 at 8:13 am #376166
You are welcome. Re-reading your yesterday first post, I want to comment on/ ask the following:
(1) You wrote earlier: “I wanted my vape like how I wanted an internal hug“, which means “feeling loved, accepted, like I belong and that making mistakes doesn’t mean I am bad”, but not long after, “I feel like I keep having unsuccessful internal hugs”- maybe vaping gives you an internal hug feeling after not vaping for a few days or longer, but when you vape regularly- no more hugs. If you are not ready to quit altogether at this point, maybe spread out the vaping so that you can experience the internal hug when you do vape, keeping in mind that regular use=no internal hugs.
(2) “I feel frustrated without direction sometimes. It feels like I change my mind too often. Trying to find another job but then trying to make this job work…. I keep getting angry at work for the working conditions.. overworking with too many details.. 10 hours shifts.. I don’t want to feel judged or like someone watching me to tell me where I am falling short”- reads like a job where no one is watching you will work for you. What happened with the house cleaning job that offered a better pay and benefits than you current job, and the opportunity to work alone, not worrying about someone watching you? And other job possibilities you looked into?
(3) “thinking that perhaps this relationship isn’t healthy for me Then thinking it is healthy and I just need to do XYZ… I asked if I could see him tonight and he told me.. you are going to pack better without me.. I got really angry. Because I don’t want to pack tonight. I want to relax… I was being treated like a child and judged for what progress I had made. I don’t need someone t tell me how to be.. what I need to do.. I do eventually get it done and I have survived this whole time without him… seeing him interact with another girl.. they always seem to be all smiles”- reads like (a) he prefers to not see you during the week, that it is not convenient for him, (b) a supportive boyfriend would have shown up when you asked and given you the hug and attention that you need, (c) he treats you as one who is inferior to him, less disciplined than him, less organized, less.. less than him, (d) it may be too late to change this dynamic (the alleged capable, superior him vs the incapable, inferior you) because if he is comfortable in this dynamic, in his role and your role, he will not be motivated to change it, (e) reads like he is flirting with the other woman at work, and that if the two of them are not infatuated with each other, than one of them is infatuated with the other and the other is encouraging it.
Regarding your second post from last night, again reads like he is not a supportive boyfriend and that he is quite selfish. Is he supportive/ generous in some ways, sometimes?
anitaMarch 16, 2021 at 9:25 am #376168
(1) yes Anita I will continue to find ways to give myself an internal hug that doesn’t involve my vape like eating mindfully, stretching, appreciating nature, drinking tea if I want a different kind of deep breath, and I will brainstorm more. I had listed out in my journal the benefits I’m not vaping and the biggest for me was healthy blood flow and freedom from addiction.
(2) oddly I never got a cal back for the phone interview I was suppose to have for cleaning nor did I get one from the customer service job I applied for. The animal rescue viewed my application but did not reach out. This is what the Indeed employment app tells you during the application process. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. It I’ll try to triple check myself or maybe reapply to the cleaning job.
(3) He is supportive by always trying to bring food or share food. His food that he likes to keep here contributes to the mess because it takes up too much space. He starts the dishwasher sometimes. And last weekend I had packed my art stuff and he helped me move it while also commenting that it seems like I pack too slowly.
He brought over a vacuum that is self directing to turn on every day. He really doesn’t like cat hair. Honestly I could always clean up more it feels like one can always be cleaner.
the apartment wants to a preinspection tomorrow and schedule an official move out inspection together. My friend agreed to help me move a mattress next week. So I have the hardest thing to move taken care of. I had put in Maintenance orders for certain things, like the vinyl flooring, and was told they can’t fix it until Covid is better. So I hope I leave this place in better condition then it was when I first started.
so I plan to pack as much as I can I got a bunch of extra boxes from work to make that possible.
I just hope I do hold myself accountable and take care of responsibility and not be sensitive to feedback but it felt like the way it was said wasn’t to help me understand his boundaries but to let me know why he doesn’t want to see me.
oh this memory came to mind and it was the discussion we had while I was packing my art desk and stuff and he said I think when you did that art challenge of making art everyday it took time away from our relationship and that’s why we broke up. And I said no I didn’t break up with you because I made art, maybe I can try to make art in a different time of day so it doesn’t get into our time but we broke up a couple months ago because you scared me when you squeezed my neck too hard that it felt like I couldn’t have a chance to consent to that it was already happening and I had that in the back of my mind while we had an argruement about non violent communication. I asked him how would he like to problem solve something and he said just burn it all down. And I started talking about non violent communication and how we can’t fight the old with the old ways if we want to make changes. Can’t fight fire with fire. And it just felt like A mean conversation as he told me Martin Luther king junior was a failure. I felt upset and said no his words had so much power that was why he was shot. Anyways I reexplained to him why we broke up then and that it wasn’t because I wanted to make art everyday.
after we moved stuff we seemed to have fun so I don’t know. All I know is I don’t want to fight to feel good enough or try to beg for attention. I do like having feedback and communication.
I am drinking the coffee and will get started sorting each room. Thank you Anita for offering a safe space to try to work thoughts out.
zeezaMarch 16, 2021 at 10:10 am #376171
You are welcome and thank you for your best wishes. Regarding (1), you made a lot of progress over time in finding and practicing ways to give yourself an internal hug, good to read that you will continue to make progress. Regarding (2), it is common to not get calls back from potential employers. You did your part when you applied to these jobs. Keep applying for new jobs, and maybe contact potential employers, after applying, to check on the status of the applications you submitted, asking if there is anything else you can do to get the job.
Regarding (3), “He is supportive by always trying to bring food or share food”- it is not generous of him to bring food to your place because he is taking care of himself this way: he spends a lot of time in your place during the weekends and he needs to eat. Plus, he is using your bathroom, your kitchen sink, your microwave and whatnot, your electricity.. it would be extremely rude if he expected you to buy his food, and if he didn’t offer to share the food he brings.
“He starts the dishwasher sometimes”- not so to help you, but because he needs clean dishes for his food, no?
“He brought over a vacuum”- not so to help you, but because he “really doesn’t like cat hair”.
I asked you if he is sometimes “supportive/ generous in some ways”, and so far you listed what he has been doing to take care of himself.
“he helped me move (your packed art stuff) while also commenting that it seems like I pack too slowly”- he helped you begrudgingly. So far, you did not describe any supportive or generous behavior on his part.
You shared that some time ago he told you that when you did art every day, it took time away from the relationship and that’s why you broke up. You corrected him and told you that you broke up not because of your art, but because he scared you when he squeezed your neck too hard, and because of his disapproval of non-violent ways to resolve political problems. My comment at this point: I see no evidence that he is supportive or generous to you. I see evidence that he is selfish, self-serving, with a compromised honesty and a mean streak.
anitaMarch 17, 2021 at 7:35 am #376207
I didn’t get a much done as I would like to yesterday so I woke up early to give it all a head start. I made a list for the complex of stuff that may need to be fixed and will call them to let them know.
I never spoke with this boyfriend yesterday nor did he speak with me. I think that’s also a pretty clear sign we aren’t doing well together. I think that is what slowed me down a bit yesterday was trying to wrap my head around this failing relationship. It feels like it is easier to take action when there is certainty. And it feels like logical certainty that it isn’t working when we can go an entire day without attempting to just say hello or something.
and I am going to focus on what I need to do to hold the life I want instead of trying to read into situations. I want home so I am going to do my best to build it. I got a stimulis check today and I am t hi making a uhual might be the way to go so I don’t have to make too many trips. I just wish I did have someone who could help me move all the boxes. I at least have a friend who can help me move a mattress and maybe I can just move all my stuff today and sleep on my air mattress for now. That way the rest of the week is cleaning and getting rid of things while I unpack.
I think I would really like to create a final post summarizing my logical decision to make a healthy choice by ending this relationship. It’s stressful trying to figure it out so I am going to take a break from that focus and focus on moving the best I can.
Anita and hope you have a great day. Thank you for your time.
zeezaMarch 17, 2021 at 7:40 am #376208
I also reapplied for the cleaning job and rescheduled a phone interview for today at noon.
I think last time I may have failed to click all the buttons when submitting my time for a phone interview. So that’s nice at least to have that set up.March 17, 2021 at 8:02 am #376210
Good to read that you reapplied to the cleaning job, that you got your stimulus check (maybe you can use a small part of it to pay an inexpensive moving company to move your boxes?), and that you are thinking logically about all parts of your life: (1) moving and making a home for yourself, 2) looking for a better job and evaluating and (3) evaluating and perhaps ending a dysfunctional relationship.
I am looking forward to read that “final post summarizing (your) logical decision to make a healthy choice by ending this relationship”.
anitaMarch 18, 2021 at 9:56 am #376256
the phone interview went well and so did the video interview that occurred today. The cleaning job wants to move forward with references and a background check. They seem to be a very ethos focus company. It started in 2014 by one person. They try to take good care of employees and clients by remaining in tune. She gave me an example of when a clients pet had died and they brought the client flowers or if I were to be a team lead it is very meaningful because a lot of workers that start have unstable backgrounds. She asked me how I would feel not utilizing all of my strengths since I have a background in science and I said it would free up my energy to work on art and invest in myself.
I talked more with my boyfriend about why I felt upset. I said I didn’t feel supported and wondered why it was okay for a whole day to go by and we don’t speak. I wonder how you are an would like to have someone in my life who cares enough to ask how I am or wonder. We basically had a deeper conversation about how my stress and changes are really stressing him out and he doesn’t know how to best help but he has been looking at really strong vacuums for me. He specifically is bothered by cat hair and he is allergic somewhat so I understand that. He has never really moved before either and his back was hurting him so that is why he didn’t want to spend time together when I asked. He also thought I had to move all at once over the weekend which is why he told me he won’t help pack but he will help move boxes. We both agreed we didn’t have good direct communication and that can improve.
I told him that I don’t want him to buy me expensive things or do all these errands for me what I want is connection and when we don’t talk or see each other it feels like that diminishes. I tend to forget that I am his second relationship so maybe a lot of this stems from a lack of experience?
either way I am learning how to communicate better I think and I am considering this new job to be positive. Even though it may not utilize my training and skills it is still meaningful. I think cleaning technicians do not get as much credit as they deserve.