July 5, 2021 at 10:03 pm #382482
how was your 4th of July? Mango was a little scared of fireworks indoors but outdoors he didn’t bark at them. Mango really wants to eat what the cat eats and is protesting his dinner tonight lol maybe he will eat it later. He can’t reach the cat food. So I keep trying to redirect him to his food lol.
Mango is afraid of skateboards and my boyfriend skates. He tried just moving the skateboard indoors and it causes mango to do a panic bark last night we put treats on skateboard and moved it and he was pretty chill about it. But this morning he scooted his skateboard and of course mango panicked. My boyfriend said bad dog. And I was like no he is not a bad dog he is scared and it’s behaviorial barking you are trying to stop but it isn’t the root of the problem he is scared. And he understood but I don’t believe in the bad dog comments. Just a firm no or shhhh or don’t worry about it. He understands don’t worry about it when he is barking at sounds but it is hard to have him sit calmly when he sees a big dog. So far he has only played well with small dogs. I’ve accidentally called him Casper twice honestly miss him so much and I hope Casper is looking out for us.
How was your 4th of July Anita? And thank you for helping me figure out what was going on the other night I was very scared but now when I think on it there was a dumpster near me and maybe some people go through those things so maybe he was walking towards that 10ft away from me. There is a lot of trash here. I saw one guy walking his dog picking up trash at the same time. It’s a great idea especially when a dog wants to pick up these things anyways.
I definitely still feel frightened with this streets bug also realize these streets need the most love and light.
zeezaJuly 6, 2021 at 5:41 am #382487
So good to read your tales about Mango first thing this morning because it puts a smile on my face. I feel as if I am there watching Mango protesting his dinner and wanting Sir Harry’s food. And yes, I remember Casper and miss him too.
My Fourth of July was fine, the weekend was calm although the taproom I told you about- was closed on the 4th, and it looks like the business is going under: the owner mistreated so many servers and the result: there is no one to open the business and operate it. This is a loss for me, I really enjoyed being there.
Regarding your safety living alone in the city, particularly at night, All womens talk. com/ Safety tips for women living alone (no spaces) reads: “These safety tips for women living alone are meant to help you feel safer and more secure in your everyday life…I hate being alone at night – I find myself jumping at every tiny sound and being startled awake… I follow almost all of these safety tips for women living alone..:
1) Car Alarm.. (that’s about activating your car alarm from your apartment, if the intruder is in the area where your car is located- to scare him away) 2) Bar in Sliding Glass Door (if one has it)
3) Locks: “if you move into a new apartment, you need to change the locks. You never know how many copies of the key the former tenants may have made or when they might unexpectedly show up, drunk, in the middle of the night thinking they still live there. Yes, that really happened to me. The landlord should pay for this re-keying or lock replacement for you, but even if they don’t, it is worth the minimal cost to do it yourself… I strongly recommend installing an additional chain or sliding bolt lock if you are able to… A chain lock is an added measure to ensure you are safe when you are in your home”.
4) Social Media Updates: “Do not post Facebook updates indicating that you live by yourself. Even if your security settings are strict and you think everything is kept just between friends, systems do experience glitches. People may forget to sign out of their account and others may see your information. It sounds ridiculous but it has happened. Do not post any information about your schedule such as “Working 10-8 today, gonna be a long day!” Any information that allows people to know where you will be at any specific time gives them an opportunity to enter your residence when they know you will not be there…”.
5) Fake Out: “A great way to discourage intruders is to make them believe you are not alone. Prowlers tend to see single women as easy prey. There are several things you can do to make them unsure about the occupancy of the apartment or home you are living in. First of all, never put your first name on your mailbox. Your first initial and last name leaves the gender of the resident ambiguous. If you have a front porch or walkway, stick an old pair of men’s boots by your door… It may seem silly, but someone looking for an easy target would think twice if they thought there might be a big burly man inside”.
6) Have a Weapon: “While I am not a huge supporter of guns, I do think it is important to have some means of protecting yourself should you encounter a problem. I keep pepper spray next to my bed and in my purse at all times… Pepper spray allows you to incapacitate your attacker without physically interacting with them or needing to get close enough for them to be able to touch you”.
7) Be Careful: “Use common sense. Keep your doors locked when you’re home as well as when you are not. Do not invite strangers into your home. Be aware of your environment when you are walking between your car and your front door. Have your keys in your hand and ready, do not stand at the door and fumble with them. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel secure…”.
anitaJuly 6, 2021 at 2:00 pm #382499
I am sorry to hear about your taproom. Maybe it could be sold to a new owner who could rejuvenate the place? I remember that spot is one of your favorites and you missed it during covid.
And thank you for tips to help feel safe and be safer. I spent most of the night thinking deeply. I fell asleep after the sunrise and woke up around 9am to take care of Mango. I don’t feel tired but I feel connected with myself. I wanted to cement what I was thinking by writing to you here but thought this is is so off topic and I am just doing random ramblings again. And then I realize how deep the control and abuse in my life as altered my core where I gaslight my own self. I feel connected with myself because I realize how I have been searching and fighting for freedom and to believe in the love in this world.
The following is a bit of a long post about how I am tryin to have empathy for myself so I can connect more with life.
I could replay my time line in my head but instead of feeling pain throughout I have understanding of why I felt so much pain and why it can be hard to trust or why I over trust because loneliness and shame. Believing I am not good enough is connected to how I gas light myself. As for perhaps the chance of not being bipolar then that would say that going through trauma creates extreme moods. It makes sense when you finally feel a bit free or truly loved it can overload your mind like obsessive happiness how can I create more. Or the emotional flashbacks of degradation and degrading yourself as a result not believing I deserve anything good. I have anxiety and much resistance and attempts to control not feeling that way by either trying to just make angry people happy or numb. Which is why I vape so much to help self soothe. But I replace my own needs with the reward of vaping.
Having this thread was a way to feel safely open. When I was hospitalized it did not feel like a healing place or a safe space. I was told that I would not be able to properly function and achieve my goals without medication. I was told that I couldn’t leave or else I would be court ordered to stay based on the evaluation of my mental health. I do think I was a danger to myself at that time but it felt like a believe I needed to receive help. The time before that was when my facade of being happy and high achieving to all family members was ended. When my mom told me I was an attention seeker and making it all up. I ran away from it all to get my freedom. To be away from others opinions and who I should be and it was hard to feel like anyone was truly there for me except for the boyfriend I made at the time. For the first time I felt so loved and that I had a chance to have my own kind of family with life full of fun and adventure. He was honestly my first true love.
Then I was lucky enough to move and have Casper in my life. Having casper be injured by this ex was so traumatizing because I didn’t want to believe he was capable of doing such a thing. My belief in real love was torn after being so vulnerably suicidal a year before. Keeping Casper was my goal. And I am so grateful for all the time we had. That is why I think having animals are healing. The compassion to take care and no that we won’t abandon one another. It gave me a chance to have a new narration of my life because it was no longer just mine but me and my animals if that makes any sense. I couldn’t hurt myself because I needed to be there for them. I use to drive with Casper in the car with me so my impulsive thoughts of crashing my car wouldn’t become stronger. Taking care of Mango I realize he is afraid of rolled up paper and cardboard. I don’t know exactly why but I Tell him no one is ever going to harm you.Then I reflect back to my boyfriend saying bad dog. I am very protective and defensive about that and I think he heard me but it feels like I have to repeat myself. Like when I ask him to give me warning about testing the skateboard. That still hasn’t sunk in. I am so protective of him because animals are pureness in the world and they only know what we teach them.
Anyways moving and searching for freedom and the huge resistance and anxiety I have to doing things to try to control how I am feeling. I think being in a relationship is a coping mechanism of wanting to feel so good like I belong and feel safe that it became easy to do whatever I can to try to salvage relationships to anything like the previous STP man. One thing my mom taught me and said to me was to never depend on any man. I remember her saying this to me before my brother was born so I had to be 5 or younger. I can see why and thought I will not be like her where I can’t let go of an abusive person. That I wouldn’t do drugs. I am addicted to nicotine and I have stayed too long in some relationships.
When casper was hurt and I asked for help from other family members like my grandma she said let the dog pass. This really hurt me and i am grateful the vet program saved him anyways but it felt like I was not supported then or before when it was called a nervous break down and regression. With the hopes my future I was told to become a pharmacist and to go to this college and I didn’t want these choices made for me so I decided I don’t need financial support. My dads side of the family with my great grandfather was a grand man. He went to stanford and worked for the white house and did numerous things high ranking in the marines basically setting up success for his future family generations. When I last visited my mom and grandma it felt clear my mom ket trying to hint to me to be nice so I can inherit money and I thought this was so weird because I wasn’t thinking of anyones death and I wondered why my mom was going so all out when I grew up of the years she never did like buying my dads mom flowers. When I got into that car wreck and asked for help I was told why aren’t you going to school. It was like she didn’t believe the depth of my injuries of whiplash. I distinctly remember a thanksgiving call from this side of the family asking how school is and what is going on and thought they would know since I told my grandma I got into a car wreck and they didn’t know and tried to relate. but I felt so distant my grandma kept saying we can do visits after I graduate. While she and family members go to Europe. I hadn’t seen them for years. It was if me going to college was proof I was worthy and not a delinquent given my history. I have an art page where I post dark art of how I have truly felt. One of my aunts follows the page and so does a cousin. It has been weird to have that experience because I keep how I feel hidden. Because I learned that those parts of myself were not worthy of love. My aunt tried to call me and ask how my 4th of july was. I use to change phones and addresses so much that it was hard sometimes for family to connect with me and I almost wanted it that way because I didn’t want to be judged. I lived out of a car for 4 days because I didn’t want controlled help for mental health issues. I was told I had to come back the state I grow up in to receive any financial help for years. Then it turned into helping me finish college. I worked through my first 2.5 years to finally accepting help my last year I never finished. It became too hard to work at the same time. So during that time I had no control over my finances and I was grateful to have help but budgeting accordingly. It felt embarrassing to ask for more money for food.
When I switched back to working again because I needed to support myself and not go to school I remember asking if I could bar car with money I had myself to this side of the family my grandma. And the same aunt who called on 4th said I don’t need to ask anyone permission. It felt good to hear this and this was after the car wreck. I did not have a car because the previous one broke and walked mostly. I remember walking and people asking me if I am working. like as a prostitute and started wearing pants in the summer. I was still asked this question regardless. Being approached as a woman over the years I switched from believing people are helpful to people are predatory. I have become so use to being controlled that I gaslight myself and that is what makes me angry and I wish to change. For example I feel spoiled writing this all out because I should just be grateful I have a home.
So it has been hard to make decisions on what I want versus what would make me more lovable and acceptable in other peoples eyes. This is why I like to make art it is a part of my freedom. I wish to have freedom of my mind without doubts and anxiety. But to do that I feel like I need to be connected to myself so I can connect to others which is why I have such a long post. It is now the end of the pandemic and now I can visit others. And that doesn’t feel like an awesome homecoming but a guarded I don’t want to feel not good enough in someone’s eyes.
It still really huts my boyfriend answered bipolar when I said out loud what is wrong with me. It is like women’s emotions are used as weapons against them. Being called crazy is a why to shut down self expression. and I doubt myself because I believe there is something broken with me that I can’t trust my own mind. But I think I can because I can always apply the scientific method. I want to trust my own mind even though I have such a lack of sleep which is a red flag to not trust judgements or drive.
To live a life without being controlled or self destructive would be eating and sleeping regularly and not met with harsh resistance when I try to take care of tasks. Harsh perfectionism and paranoia of being or to free of shame and shame of my own choices and not be treated like I am weak and can’t figure it out.
zeezaJuly 6, 2021 at 2:53 pm #382501
Before you submitted your post today, the thought occurred to me: Zeeza does not have a mean bone in her body. I never thought of this saying in connection with any person- you are the first person I connected to this saying.
Thank you for your empathy regarding the taproom. If it is okay with you, I would like to update you about what happens with it from time to time- it will make me feel less alone. Can I?
In regard to the taproom, the owner- he and his family own the property, and he owns the business. From what I heard, he wants to sell the business but hold on to the property, so that the new business owner will pay him for a month to month lease. This means that a new business owner can expect, if he makes a go of the business (which is not doing well currently), to be asked for more money.. and more, so the lease amount keeps growing and growing, and this is not want business owners want. So, unless he is willing to sell the property and the business, there is not likely to be an interested party.
In regard to what you shared today: feel free to share like this anytime, you are worth my time and attention. I want to re-read it when I am more focused. But for now, what comes to my mind:
(1) There is nothing wrong/ defected/ inferior about you- none at all. You have been suffering from the consequences of the abuse you received through no fault of your own.
(2) Like I wrote before, there is no mean bone in your body: you are the gentlest person I ever communicated with on these forums, trust me on that, you are amazing!
(3) Your boyfriend.. what did he say?.. He told you that you are bi-polar and that’s what’s wrong with you. He is not more correct in having said that than in what he told Mango: bad dog! Is Mango a bad dog? Of course not. Is there anything wrong with you? No!
Your boyfriend is angry and he directs his anger against the innocent: Mango (Casper previously) and you!
(4) Your mother told you to not trust men, or to never trust men.. she- a woman and a mother- should have seen to it that you could trust her!
I get so angry at times about people’s hypocrisy and finger pointing- we should all look at how we behave before we criticize others. And like I said, you behave so gently with others, animals and people- you deserve better than hypocrisy and betrayal.
Like you, I was betrayed too, so many people have been betrayed by the adults in our childhoods, starting with parents and the people they allowed to have access to us.
I will write more later, post anytime.
anitaJuly 6, 2021 at 3:24 pm #382503
of course please feel free to share however and whichever you’d like to share I enjoy reading from you as well. I wonder if because he has a tough time selling it and the business isn’t being run well he will financially have to sell it has a better deal. Or if there is some public movement such as boycotting the place because of treatment of works I don’t t know that might be far reaching but it is a way to control not supporting him in that sense.
I am by no means perfectly kind with no mean bone in my body. I do think I am kind and empathetic but I have parts of me that are insensitive. Sometimes I laugh at people so fall down if they can’t see me but if they do see me I feel bad and of course I do want to make sure they are ok afterwards. I use to be so judgmental of tv because I would judge acting poorly done and mock it kind of meanly because it is a tv character acting so I felt it wasn’t a personable attack but I do have a side that can be judge mental impatient and laugh at misfortune. This are impulses that I try to be aware of and not act on. I think it is funny when my boyfriend is afraid of spiders. I try not to laugh. He is never afraid of anything it seems. I think spiders are cool. Maybe he takes the anger out in weird ways and I withdraw causing him to be more angry and withdraw more but when I am not withdrawn and happy he is also happy. So I think tools to communicate more directly will help and I’ll try going over this again with him and see what he thinks. I hope it isn’t the mmhmm conversation he always says mmhmm and it did hurt when he said I talk too much. I am just hoping to spark something that would have him talk more too.
July 6, 2021 at 3:42 pm #382505
- This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
Thank you, it makes me feel much better to know that I have someone safe and empathetic to share my distress/ bad news (and hopefully good news!) regarding the taproom. I agree with you, and so did the last server who quit. She said: I just hope he sells (the business and property) to someone nice!
Regarding “I am just hoping to spark something that would have him talk more too”- if you don’t succeed in sparking up (is that a term?) the good in him, nobody will! I hope he takes advantage of his fortune of knowing you!
“I am by no means perfectly kind with no mean bone in my body… I have parts of me that are insensitive”- I am so glad to read that I am not the only one who is imperfect.. lol, but I mean it. Like you, I too “try to be aware of (insensitive/ unkind impulses) and not act on” them. I will be trying to take a nap next, see if I succeed, and then go for a walk.
anitaJuly 7, 2021 at 12:21 pm #382565
I’d really like to live somewhere where I can walk in nature. I think it is funny when I first moved here with fresh eyes and never lived in a city before it was to captivating to me. But nature always rules for a peace of mind. Do you have a favorite plant?
usually an owner steps down and lets a solid manager run the place. Although his influence will still be there. I imagine your taproom looks like a log cabin with a high ceiling and big window views. I wonder what it looks like on the inside.
July 7, 2021 at 1:11 pm #382570
- This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by Zeeza.
I like the outdoors part of the taproom- had a lot of fun in the winter around the fire pits outside, so cozy and intimate. Seeing the same people, the regulars, is my favorite! News: the owner himself is scheduled (so his girlfriend said) to serve Thursday, and the server who gave her 2-weeks notice is scheduled to serve today. We’ll see. In regard to nature- I love nature and am surrounded here by trees and plants of all kinds, including ferns. Outside, I have carnation flowers still blooming, but the roses are dying. I can’t tell you my favorite plant, but my unfavorite plant is the Himalayan Blackberry, they are like the monster-plants, reaching out to hurt people with their big, razor sharp thorny bodies!
July 8, 2021 at 6:45 am #382644
- This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Good news to report about the taproom: it was open yesterday, there is a new server (2 altogether), and I had a good time, just like in the good-old days. The business is still in trouble, but it was open yesterday and is expected to be open tomorrow.
I forgot to reply at more length to your Tuesday post. You shared, as I understand it, the following (let me know if I understand all correctly):
The abuse you suffered in childhood deeply controlled your life and altered your core, filling your core with shame, and creating your extreme moods and anxiety. It caused you to believe that you are “not good enough”, that you don’t deserve anything good, and therefore, you lack empathy for yourself.
You gaslight your own self, meaning you doubt and question your own perceptions, judgments and understandings of the events and people in your life. You distrust people on one hand, and over trust, on the other hand. “I doubt myself because I believe there is something broken with me that I can’t trust my own mind”.
You stay too long in relationships with the wrong men because “of wanting to feel so good like I belong and feel safe”. You shared that you vape a lot to soothe yourself, and that you are addicted to nicotine.
You shared about your hospitalization in a mental ward years ago, about your mother having told you that you were “an attention seeker and making it all up”, about finding refuge in your first boyfriend (“for the first time I felt so loved… He was honestly my first true love”). You shared about Casper, about your then boyfriend injuring Casper, an event that traumatized you (“I didn’t want to believe he was capable of doing such a thing”).
About having Casper/ animals: “It gave me a chance to have a new narration of my life because it was no longer just mine but me and my animals.. . I couldn’t hurt myself because I needed to be there for them. I use to drive with Casper in the car with me so my impulsive thoughts of crashing my car wouldn’t become stronger”.
You are troubled about your current boyfriend having said to Mango: “bad dog!”, and about ahis failure to give you a warning before he tests his skateboard, so that you can comfort Mango who is scared of the skateboard, “I am so protective of him because animals are pureness in the world and they only know what we teach them”.
You shared about your family members who were not supportive of you, and did not care about you, and you mentioned that your great grandfather went to Stanford, was a high ranking Marine, and worked for the White House. You shared about your experience going to college, working, and about financial hardship. When you were not able to have a working car, you had to walk a lot in the city, and people asked you if you were working, mistaking you for a prostitute- that caused you to switch “from believing people are helpful to people are predatory”.
“I feel connected with myself because I realize how I have been searching and fighting for freedom and to believe in the love in this world… I wish to have freedom of my mind without doubts and anxiety… to be connected to myself so I can connect to others… I want to trust my own mind… To live a life without being controlled, or self destructive would be eating and sleeping regularly.. take care of tasks… being free of shame.. shame of my own choices, and not be treated like I am weak and can’t figure it out”-
– Can you elaborate best you can on the above “being controlled” and being “treated like I am weak and can’t figure it out” (who, how- in your past and currently)?
anitaJuly 9, 2021 at 8:10 pm #382709
I don’t think I am being controlled currently by anyone but controlled by nicotine and weed in a biochemical kind of way. These are instant rewards and could easily get in the way of meeting my own needs or goals because something can provide that “feel good” feeling. If it were to just quit though would be intense. I have patches and I did have a week or so recently where I did quit vaping. When I did I remember my boyfriend doubting me and I said that was rude and think I used some anger as motivation. I honestly forgot I had quit recently and my boyfriend reminded me how I was successful for a short time. As for helping with ptsd I can’t tell if it really helps calm me or getting rid of withdrawals it was calms me. I was recently prescribed gabapentin again a month ago and that was what helped me switch out of drinking every night. I have only taken it twice at night so far but the idea was to help me sleep and help anxiety. I read some research where it can also help with marijuana withdrawals. I didn’t think there ever was such a thing.
I think at times I perceive care as controlling. Such as my boyfriend brings all this food over to try to get me to eat I didn’t realize he was watching closely to see what I am eating over the days. I usually eat more often when we are together. and I feel like I gave him that bad habit of not eating until the end of the day because he has been trying to lose weight. Anyways we had a another scenario where he said you will never change and look in your fridge and become aware of what you can make/eat. And once again I said that was rude which was when I was setting up my white board to have an inventory of the fridge and he writes what he brings on here too and I have been using it. Honestly when he says I can’t it just makes me more motivated and then he becomes supportive but it is hard to be looked at in this way because I don’t want to believe I am incapable of change.
It would be nice to go off somewhere to do physical therapy and quit everything but prescribed medications and just reset my body. Sometimes I physically have a hard time keeping up with mango walking and running. I have had a couple night this month where I have stayed up until sunrise or only slept 4 hours and before that was soothing mango to new noises in the place to which he has done so much better. A well exercised dog is usually a happy dog and then well behaved. My boyfriend helps run with him or take him on an adventure. Like yesterday they went to a mountain while I as working.
I have been lacking such motivation or hope for the potential of my future because I can hardly afford a place that I use to have that was luxurious in the sense of having a washer and dryer. Yesterday I swear it was like someone took my clothes out oof the dryer put there clothes in and then last minute put my clothes back in. It was in the dryer for 88 minutes and it still felt just as wet from when I put the clothes in just slightly warmed. I cried at this which is kind of funny looking back I am just grateful no one stole my clothes. but I was so frustrated because it took me so long to find/get enough quarters and I didn’t have anymore to dry it again and it took me about a 2 weeks until I did laundry to the point where I had nothing clean left. I hang dried everything. Anyways my job title was updated and I was given a dollar raise. If I received an additional two dollar raise with a total of 3 dollars I could afford most apartments close to work within a 2o minute radius that have all of these amenities. I read my job description and then the level 2 version of what I could be promoted to. I became very angry because as I read them it was a job description of the job I had created and paved the way for. The difference between what 1 versus 2 positions is the ability to work across departments for help as needed and troubleshoot instrument problems. I have spent nights unjamming instruments and taking caps that fell into the instrument out which requires some finesse. I have found leaks in air tanks. IT felt like I was completely seen as someone that isn’t good enough because of the strong evidence of what I have done. Including auditing and inventory which is a part of the position 2.
I am considering getting up at 5am and working until 6-2 and then I have more energy and time to make art and try to start my art business and then end the day when it is nice and cooled off to find some sort of field to play fetch in with mango. He loves fetch very much. I am also considering giving weed a month break and trying to quit nicotine. I am hoping by art and my job maybe I can make enough to afford a better place. The other option is to move across state or start over in another state where I have friends like Arkansas. I guess they are giving 10grand away to people who work remotely and move to arkansas?
Also there are yoga retreat programs that I could do to reset my mind body that also certify you as a yoga teacher. Not much of a career in this field because there are so many yoga teachers but teaching once or twice a week might boost my income too. But my hand has been acting up in pain again and makes me wish I didn’t rush a decision to get a dog so soon but I am making it work and my boyfriend has helped play with him.
Oh and in the past I guess I have felt controlled insttead of cared for when love is withdrawn because I am an embarrassment to the family due to mental health and not finishing college. But we all seem to be talking again so this might be in my head. In the past I felt like I was controlled by my mothers anger trying so hard to be good enough to be humiliated and mocked and called eyore for being sad.
Sorry for another long post anita thank you for helping me gain insight or at least trying to unpack it. How is the taprooom lately? Did you enjoy a bonfire?
zeezaJuly 9, 2021 at 8:34 pm #382712
I didn’t read all of your recent post and will read and reply further tomorrow morning. But for now, you mentioned the taproom- no bone fires in summer time! I had a very good time there Thursday afternoon, and while there, someone mentioned smoking, that led me to think about you vaping. I asked the guy who was talking against smoking, if vaping was safer than smoking. He said it is safer as far smoke is not being involved, but the oil contained in the vaping material is dangerous, causing what is called “popcorn lungs” (?)
Will be back to your thread Saturday morning, have a good night, Zeeza.
anitaJuly 10, 2021 at 7:37 am #382715
“I was recently prescribed gabapentin again a month ago… to help me sleep and help anxiety. I read some research where it can also help with marijuana withdrawals. I didn’t think there ever was such a thing”- I read that the on-label use of gabapentin is to treat convulsions, seizures and neuralgia, but it is used off-label to treat anxiety. Were you ever prescribed it for anything other than anxiety (?)
“my boyfriend brings all this food over to try to get me to eat”- is his concern/ motivation based on you being underweight or appearing malnourished? And what is his concern/ complaint exactly, regarding what’s in your refrigerator?
“my job title was updated and I was given a dollar raise. If I received an additional two dollar raise with a total of 3 dollars I could afford most apartments close to work within a 2o minute radius that have all of these amenities”- I wish you got more of a raise and be able to have your own washer and dryer.
“I am also considering giving weed a month break and trying to quit nicotine. I am hoping by art and my job maybe I can make enough to afford a better place. The other option is to move across state or start over in another state where I have friends like Arkansas. I guess they are giving 10 grand away to people who work remotely and move to Arkansas?”- It will be tough to quit nicotine, maybe even more than trying to quit marijuana, but people have done it before, so it is possible for many.
I hope you find out the answer to your question regarding moving to Arkansas. It doesn’t read like you have lot of emotional- social support that you will be sacrificing if you move (?)
“my hand has been acting up in pain again and makes me wish I didn’t rush a decision to get a dog so soon but I am making it work and my boyfriend has helped play with him”- good to read that he helps in some ways. I was just wondering: does your boyfriend tells you that he likes you or loves you, does he express what looks/ sounds like genuine affection for you?
My hand still hurts from time to time. It is better overall (I no longer ice it, but still wearing a brace). I hope your hand and mine completely heal sooner than later.
“I am an embarrassment to the family due to mental health and not finishing college”- your unsupportive and/ or abusive family members are (more than) an embarrassment to you!
“thank you for helping me gain insight or at least trying to unpack it. How is the taproom lately?”- you are welcome. The taproom was disappointing yesterday because it was quite empty and none of the regulars showed up. When people show up and the business is closed (it operates only five days a week, and only 4 hours each day.. sometimes it is closed when it is scheduled to be open), they tend to give up and not return. Thank you for asking, I would like to keep updating you on the matter. I hope that your weekend is good, say hello to Mango for me!
anitaJuly 12, 2021 at 1:41 pm #382801
Mango says hello back! He is getting so good at fetch he can catch a ball mid air.
gabapentin is only prescribed as off label anxiety. I see my doctor Thursday. Wish I had more to report to her since I haven’t been taking it consistently.
If I move out of state I wouldn’t be losing too much social support. Most of my social support isn’t in person anyways. I think it is memories or ideas of roots I have put into Washington but I am ready for change. It would be so cool to move to San Diego or somewhere beautiful and sunny.
Arkansas seems to beautiful as well and my childhood bestie lives there. She knows a lot of what I went through growing up because my mom would forbid me from talking to her after some time I would get in trouble if she left a voicemail because my mom thought we were drinking. We never drank in high school. We were straight A students. Anyways I definitely need change and hope to have a plan to move forward soon because I need hope that I am moving in a direction and not stuck.
Does my boyfriend express words of love? That’s a good question to think on. He asks me if I need anything. He tells me I am a warrior. I don’t like the way he says it though if feels patronizing. I told him about meeting my fave music artist in person and her lyrics always inspired me when I told her this she said “we are warriors” and I see my make up as war paint because I try not to cry until it is off. So when I get stuff done or plan stuff he is like my little warrior. he says it like I am child not like I am a powerful force. And that is my word I told him to please stop using it like that.
I was upset and I told him I wish I never told you I was bipolar because then maybe the words I say would actually have value. He just said mmhmm and looked out the window. So I ask him what are you thinking about? And he says how he wishes he spent more time outside. So I said you still can there is plenty of time in the day and you have tomorrow off. Then I went to cry because I just told him how it bothers me he doesn’t value my words and then it goes in one ear and out the other. Sometimes I ask him things like what do you think of this or that and he will straight up say I don’t care. Like at work I went to ask him why this paperwork had a line through it and before I could say it he just says I don’t care. He was burnt out that day but I am sick of it. I think he thinks that if I need him I won’t leave so he keeps trying to offset ways to help but ignores me for two days doesn’t call and then says can I bring you anything like quarters for laundry? Which he did and I thanked him but I was already taking the trash out and taking care of things as best I could. I get depressed and it’s hard to be motivated especially with someone observing me to point out where I fail or what is on my todo list. I remember him turning to me to say now is a good time to do chores. And I am like excuse me I was being quiet so you could sleep and you wake up to tel me to do stuff??? I am just very angry and this is why I don’t feel bad if I moved out of state. Seems like he doesn’t care. I remember telling myself in tears just because he doesn’t value my words doesn’t mean I am not worthy of that my words are meaningless. He told me he doesn’t like bipolar sad zeeza but he likes manic happy Zeeza. So yeah there is not unconditional acceptance there it seems.
I am so frustrated and angry with work I just said you know I have a headache screens hurt and I am clocking out. My head did hurt an hour ago it is better but my blood is still boiling. I’m tired of my ideas being discredited. The extreme example of this came up today. I found a fail where this product should not be sold. Customer complained. One of my bosses said oh this isn’t right you did work wrong. They send product from same lot and it fails again after it was “passed” and now there is a meeting about it. When another boss though they found an error of mine they posted public info a messaged with some words in all caps and some in bold to get the point across to them later comment it was not a mistake. Or like last week when my boss told me sorry I didn’t listen to your idea we just didn’t have time publicly randomly in a meeting and I explained why I was so pushy on the idea which turned out to be right and the owner decided to make changes so that my idea of preventing errors would be in place.
I am tired of passive aggressive language and being doubted and I wish I didn’t have this language to myself in my head. I feel bad I told mango a stern no barking. He stopped. I felt bad because my tone was low with frustration. Now if I just say to him mango thanks for letting me know it’s ok he immediately stopped barking. I wish I was more patient teaching him and I feel bad for having that stern low voice. He just really likes to bark at the cat to stay play with me please and when I throw the ball he will play a little and then go right to the cat. He has a great memory he will remember patterns and activities days after like where our hill is when we play fetch.
bow I am starting to think again my work is toxic. And I have less excuses or denial for my boyfriend because it just feels blatantly obvious that what I think or fee doesn’t matter I’m just bipolar. So I need a safe place to live. Starting with removing harshness in my mind and what others say to me. If I could just pack my car and go anywhere with the animals I would. I just do t know anyone who has space and I feel awful to rehome them because I am moving. I don’t know but change will happen. I can feel it.
I wonder if people are boycotting taproom so he has to give it up? Very little hours for a business I am surprised it isn’t open longer.
July 12, 2021 at 1:56 pm #382803
- This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by Zeeza.
I read only a part of your recent post and will read and reply later, but for now: got Mango’s hello back to me, thank you, and congrats Mango for getting better and better at fetching!
“it just feels blatantly obvious that what I think or fee doesn’t matter I’m just bipolar”- that sucks! You don’t deserve it, and it makes me angry: what you think and feel does matter!!!
As far a the taproom- it was empty Sun afternoon, was just about to leave when 3 regulars showed up and it was a lovely time! Beats me. It is closed today and tomorrow, open again Wednesday. I still love being there, overall. Business-wise, it is perplexing that the owner is not trying to do better: all the Covid restrictions are over and done with, he can open the business 7 days a week, for longer than 4 hours per day.. yet he doesn’t. Back to you later.
anitaJuly 12, 2021 at 4:48 pm #382808
It seems to me that there is no advantage for you to stay in the city/ state where you live- no irl social support, a job you are unhappy with and which doesn’t pay much, and a patronizing, passive-aggressive uncaring boyfriend. (His lack of caring in an unfortunate part of who he is- not an indication of who you are).
I am guessing that Arkansas is where you grew up (?) If so, my concern about you moving back there is that it may include contact with your mother and with other family members who can re-open your childhood trauma, or make it feel more real.
Being close to a bestie, if it includes also being close to family members who abused you- is not a good deal for you!
- This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.