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  • This topic has 925 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 day ago by anita.
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  • #382810
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    bo I did not grow up in Arkansas and yes I completely agree with you . I had a friend from my home state invite me but I said no because I felt like it would mess with my subconscious.

    I was crying a lot finally just calmed down a bit. Mango bit someone. He was wagging his taking and then he nipped her. He didn’t draw blood but he saw this same woman previously with a big dog and I feel like a bad dog owner. He needs exposure I think Covid didn’t due him any service and I don’t know what to do Casper never bit anyone. I called a rescue place and asked them how they rehab animals to be not fearful or aggressive and they said they would call me back but I am so sad. I feel like I failed him. I also feel like if he does go to a home with more resources he could be happier but it would hurt him to be rehome like maybe he will become more protective of the next owner because I don’t know what to do but I need to something. I can hardly sleep well so that is probably making me more emotional I just wish I could make it right.

    #382811
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I am just about to go for a walk and I read your post quickly. First thing to do, when you walk Mango on a leash, is to steer away from that woman and from any other person who is walking with a bigger dog. When you walk Mango, and you get scared when another person with/ without a dog is approaching, Mango is likely to pick up on your fear, perceive the approaching person/ dog as danger,  and to protect you- react aggressively toward the person/ dog. So stay as calm as you can when walking him. Let me know what the trainer says when he calls you back!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by anita.
    #382817
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    The trainer said it was hard to say why it happened but being socialized will help. I realize I get anxious going around corners and I think he does too. So now before a corner we sit have a treat to have that base line of calm and then approach. I will keep Mango on a shorter leash and slowly work the way towards others. He has has had good interactions before but still certain people he doesn’t like or certain dogs that are big. He barked at a police officer once on a walk when he wanted to pet him. The officer said he had a husky and said that was why.

    Anyways I think it is from my energy and he is so young learning about the world if I not calm it probably doesn’t help.

    I have a neighbor who has been kind she lives right across the hall and welcomed me when I moved and dyed her hair she said of inspiration from seeing me. Anyways her dogs and my dogs didn’t have good meet and greets and she says her dog in this city isn’t doing well either and he is agressive on leash but not off leash at dog parks he feels good. So we have a playdate tomorrow at 1pm for a dog park. One part is usually empty she said and another has a bunch of dogs. I am thinking Mango and I will stay at a distance that makes him comfortable and I will give him treats along the way. it’s hard to tell the difference between his Uber excited bark and his play bark. I have seen him play with smaller dogs before.

    My neighbor also said she is scared here too and I guess on the 4th there was a gunshot through the building side of the wall around the corner of us. Thankfully no one was hurt.

    So I bet of we walked somewhere with better energy and if I keep giving him more structure of positive energy expectations.

    I just don’t want to fail him or do anything that would hinder is ability to grow to his full potential. It was hard because I have so much pet parent guilt. But realizing my neighbor is also stressed makes sense too.

    Thank you for your support and listening Anita

    I am going to sleep well tonight finally i remover to take gabapentin.

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Zeeza.
    #382820
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I hope that you slept well. top dog tips. com/ aggressive dog training tips, reads partly:

    “1. No Punishment, Ever- Aggressive dog or not, use positive reinforcement and positive reinforcement only. Use clear, strong commands that your dog is familiar with. Be calm and reassuring. Give the dog praise and positive reinforcement when your pup behaves properly. For example: let’s say your dog is aggressive towards another animal in your home. When he chases, barks or growls at that animal, use a clear and strong command for him to “Stop!” or “Sit!” When a dog follows basic commands, reward him with a treat or praise.

    When a situation appears where you expect your dog is going to be aggressive, immediately begin talking to him in a reassuring way. Give him treats and make the situation into something positive instead of negative. Once the situation passes, stop petting, do not give any treats and stop talking comfortingly to your dog. He will eventually associate the stressful situation with a positive result, instead of something that requires his aggressive reaction.

    Keep this up consistently and be authoritative. Establish your position in the eyes of your dog by being in charge and not rewarding the dog when he behaves badly. Although bribery and distraction are quick fixes, in the long run they teach your dog that doing naughty things will earn him a reward, further incentivizing the pet’s poor behavior.

    2. Seek Professional Help- I cannot stress this enough: aggressive dogs can be dangerous and it’s not recommended that you attempt to re-train the dog just by yourself. While these dog training tips may be helpful, you’re still at risk of things going badly…

    4. Stay Calm, Speak Softly but firmly- Research has shown that dogs can understand human emotions. They take cues from our voice and body language to determine how we are feeling. Have you ever noticed that your dog gets excited when you’re excited or sad when you are sad? If you’re nervous when training an aggressive dog, he will sense that. If you’re angry or frustrated, he will sense that too. This could stress your dog even more, and cause him to act even more aggressively. One of the best aggressive dog training tips is to stay calm. Speak in a normal tone and control your body language. If you feel yourself getting frustrated or anxious, take a break from the training until you can compose yourself.”

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by anita.
    #382837
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Wikipedia has a short entry on Maltese dogs, says they don’t shed. Mango Maltese (M&M) may be his full name, adding a middle name.. Mango Zeeza Maltese

    “I am not the best at being calm”- not too many people are.

    “Anyways last night I danced with Mango like I use to with Casper. And he followed me cue, if I jumped he jumped and he followed me around” cute and precious!

    Just now some coffee was accidentally spilt… I said oh no in a calm way and went to get something to clean it”- I still think that you are an excellent pat mom!

    I do remember he was very afraid of rolled up poster paper that I was trying to hang up on my wall. I don’t know what occured previously but I know he grew up with some kids.

    “I am thinking that maybe the dog park is a bit too ambitious to start with and want to ask my neighbor to have her meet us outside..”- reads like a good idea to me.

    I don’t know exactly how his life was before but I know he was in a crate for training purposes I never did crate training unless Casper was I’ll he didn’t want to or have to go in his kennel.

    “he needs emotional training I think?”- keep loving Mango the way you do, and give him clear instructions when he does something that you don’t want him to do in a strong voice, like “Sit!” and when he sits (and therefore is no longer doing what you don’t want him to do)- give him a treat.

    Maybe getting a small, not too uncomfortable muzzle for Mango and having it on in certain circumstances: when you take him for a grooming appointment or to the dog park, etc., will take care of your fear that he will bite again. Presently, you are too worried.. so a muzzle may make you feel better, and you can re- evaluate the practice later (?)

    anita

    #382838
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your patience and I am so sorry about my typos and posting in the wrong thread. I think I need to slow down a little.

    The meet and greet went well he was friendly to my neighbor who gave him a treat and she brought her little dog. At first Mango Zeeza Maltese (awesome name!) was not the calmest but we sat down on the grass together and talked and he calmed down eventually and if he became more anxious I would sit further away.

    My neighbor shared her experiences with adopting and training dogs and let me borrow a dog whisperer show set to watch. She also let me borrow a dog bark remote that flashes lights and lets out a sound to help stop barking and then reward after not barking. I put my ear to the device and I could hear the sound it isn’t loud but it is high pitch so I don’t think it is mean to use? Since I can hear the tone and volume I thought I could judge how intense it is.

    Yes asking mango to sit was the main theme in the meeting and sometimes he would and other times he wouldn’t so I would guide his butt to sit and then he would stay seated and be rewarded. He eventually laid down on the grass and we could have a conversation and then he would get worked up and then we would repeat the process.

    Thankfully we have a controlled environment to work our way to it.

    So I am going to try to get some laundry done which will be practice for mangos seperation  anxiety.

    I have hope that I can do right by h and it motivates me to try to be as calm and healthy as I can and to not get stuck in a loop of I can’t and I am not enough.

    I hope you enjoy the sun today and your walk is peaceful.

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Zeeza.
    #382840
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    You are welcome. Don’t worry about posting on the other thread by mistake, no harm done. The original poster (OP) may have never intended to return to her thread anyway. Many OPs do not return or care to say thank you to people who reply with best intentions and efforts. You wouldn’t consider that kind of behavior. Like I told you before- the term fits you: you have no mean bone in your body. You are gentle, considerate, empathetic, kind.. an exceptional person, really. So don’t worry if you make mistakes and don’t be hard on yourself for not being a Perfect Pet Mom (PPM) to Mango Zeeza Maltese. No one is a PPM, not a single person on the face of the earth!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by anita.
    #382842
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am almost done washing everything from towels to bedding and it will be nice to have it all done and finish cleaning.

    I don’t know if I being paranoid but I told my bfv I don’t want to get together today. Beforehand if was making the point again how we need to give Mango  commands not bad dog. Like when he is barking my bf would just say shut up and I am like excuse me he needs cue words. Like no he understands no. Anyways he said he doesn’t see anything wrong with it and would be hard for him not to which made me angry like would not listen to me because I’ve said this before. He needs direction not scolding.

    I remember him asking me if yelling mango would get him to stop barking. And I said no because you are basically barking with him.

    What I am suspicious about is how he told me how he has marks on his wrist from mango accidentally knocking his teeth on him. as a pup he sometimes mouths you I redirect him to his toys. What made a red flag go up in my head was him saying it hurts and he has actual wound because I have never had a wound from mango knocking into me  surface level marks just from when he jumps that heal within a dayish. He is getting his nails trimmed soon.

    He also told me he was making the bed and he accidentally knocked his hand onto mangos head and I asked him if he said sorry and he said dogs don’t understand and I am like yes they do they know how you feel.

    Anyways I am seriously paranoid that he is telling me half truths or something. I remember on night waking up and he woke up before I did to help comforr Casper and I pop my head up and he was saying to Casper as he was coughing that I will take you out with a machete. I was like wow wow Casper no one is going to do that to you bud and he immediately stopped coughing when I said this and awakened. He offered to help euthanasa Casper and I am like no that is illegal and why do you think you’ll do a betterr job than the vet and then he went to say that he doesn’t trust vets that when he saw his dogs get out down it didn’t look painless.

    I wrote that comment off as he is sleep deprived and angry and no one is perfect because I would get frustrated too and calm down in the bathroom but I never had that thought towards Casper.

    All of this is making me think that something isn’t right… So that is why I tried taking to him about it and he was like okay I got to go and we never finished so I just said let’s get together tomorrow.

    Zeeza

    #382845
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza;

    I would like to think that current boyfriend, although insensitive and rude,  will not hurt Mango, just as he didn’t hurt Casper, and it will be strange to have a situation where two boyfriends (your first and current)  physically hurt your dogs. Also, there is a criminal liability for animal abuse, and this can be on your boyfriend’s mind. Please calm down Zeeza. Try to relax and rest, I will be back to you tomorrow.

    anita

    #382858
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes thank you for helping me try to be calm and see clear. I was worried I was paranoid which is why I wrote it out here.

    Instead of accusing I sent him an article about positive reinforcement training and asked him what he thought about it. And he was like yeah same stuff you are saying do you want a summary? And I am like no I wanted to know your thoughts why are you being passive aggressive? If you are angry please tell me upfront why instead of asking me if I want a summary. And then he told me he hated reading and I said ok that makes sense if I want to share ideas and stuff with you then video form is better? Etc.

    It feels like life is aligning by me telling my bf no I had time to take care of things instead of him coming over to tell me to take care of things. And instead of waiting for him to show up to do stuff or coordinate I was assertive and asked him what hour block we can meet.

    I work from home so I thought it will be okay to spend the night at a friend’s and visit. This friend was one who I visited when my hand was injured and she helped me to do laundry safely. I would just buy laundry detergent for them. They have a little dog mango might like and kids . He grew up with kids and they said he loved them. There will be a quiet room we can go to while I work on computer. Being there helps me wake up earlier because the kids are up.

    So after the beach today with bf I’ll go see friend  with Mango or maybe he will stay with bf since bf is going on a hike tomorrow and I maybe jumped to conclusions yesterday.

    Also my cousins who I haven’t seen in over a decade are coming to Seattle and we are going to meet up Friday. Yesterday I spent time with the neighbor I guess what I am saying is I don’t feel isolatee from people and I got stuff done so I don’t feel like my life is chaotic.

    I hope to give people art! Or stickers. Maybe I’ll make some stickers today I have a couple hours. Before we head to the park.

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by Zeeza.
    #382862
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    You are welcome.

    Instead of accusing I sent him an article about positive reinforcement training and asked him what he thought about it. And he was like yeah same stuff you are saying do you want a summary?“- he is aggressive, quick to attack.

    And I am like no I wanted to know your thoughts why are you being passive aggressive? If you are angry please tell me upfront why instead of asking me if I want a summary. And then he told me he hated reading“- you are correct, he was angry, and  passive-aggressive.

    and I said ok that makes sense if I want to share ideas and stuff with you then video form is better? Etc.“- you are so understanding and patient, you are amazing!

    I was assertive and asked him what hour block we can meet“- excellent: assertive is the way to go (not passive, not aggressive and not passive-aggressive).

    I work from home so I thought it will be okay to spend the night at a friend’s and visit..“- I hope you and Mango enjoy the beach and the visit!

    Also my cousins who I haven’t seen in over a decade are coming to Seattle and we are going to meet up Friday. Yesterday I spent time with the neighbor I guess what I am saying is I don’t feel isolated from people“- good thing: we are social animals, which makes  socializing a necessary ingredient for our mental/ emotional health!

    “I hope to give people art! Or stickers. Maybe I’ll make some stickers today I have a couple hours. Before we head to the park”- being creative is another human need, and sharing our creativity with others is another need.

    Your post this morning is delightful to read!

    anita

    #382921
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you I tried really hard to make yesterday a good day which is why I became so sad with the series of events.

    First I got a bit angry at the pet store because I was frustrated from lack of communication with my bf. We weren’t walking together so Mango would start to cry if one of us was out of sight which was hard for him especially with exposure to pet store. It was hard to check out because he wanted to buy way more than I did and went off during check out to grab more stuff and I have a brace on one hand and a shrieking dog in the other with treats because I was trying to make it a positive experience.

    anyways we get to the beach and find a private area for mango. He shrieked at some big dogs and I tried asking him to sit and rewards because there can’t be fear with food I guess. Mango did like at least 20 reps of fetch I was worried of over exercise but he was all for it.

    I started to cry heavily because it reminded me of Casper being at the beach and how he would have the same mannerisms it was too much on my heart I started crying.

    then my bf just took mango to go on a floater and I am like hey what about me like could you please communicate we are going on floaters now? And I just was too upset I went back to my log to clam down and watched beautiful geese land in the water perfectly. I thought the geese understand there love keeps them in sync.

    anyways I thought mango was too scared on floatie he was shrieking and asked to take him off so his first experience isn’t too much.

    I now have mango on a leash he goes o no to float and mango goes into the water toward him I’m trying to walk to keep up in water. The leash is as extended as possible it is a retractable leash. My bf just undoes the leash and it hits me square on the side of my wrist. It hurt so bad I cried and put cream on it and it is swollen. I cried because I didn’t want both hands to hurt I didn’t want this to happen and it’s pretty swollen right by my ulna bone. I ask him to help pack up so we can ice and he is just video recording dog. We finally get into car and I am like I want ice cream for this and tell my friend I don’t think I can drive for an hour with both my hands hurting. And he says he wants s burger and orders there and something for me and I am like ok can we just stop at a gas station go get ice cream and he is like none are near and we went straight to burger place. He started eating in car I couldn’t eat with my hand and dog in my lap I asked him if we were going to stop and he was like oh I guess we could and I am like just take me to my car since we were close enough anyways. I felt invisible I told him that and he said we just haven’t been on the same page today. I told him I don’t blame him for the leash injury but it hurts how I was treated afterwards. Now I feel like I was just making a big deal out of nothing I got home and had ice cream at home but I was afraid of driving with my hands. At first it looked like s bee stung me on the side of my wrist and I had pain at the base of my elbow. I remember him saying you can text so why can’t you eat with both hands? When I asked if he was pulling over.

    anyways Mango got a bath. I am so sad I am  also getting closer to period but I got all packed up to not go. Work has implemented ideas I suggested for communication but I am still getting ignored I clocked out because for an hour I have been asking how can I help and trying to figure it out.

    I don’t think I am right for Mango because I am so sad so if missing Casper. He is more high energy then Casper was for exercise and it’s hard to be a calm leader. Seeing how my bf played with him made me feel like I didn’t understand what Mango needed I felt left out. So I am wondering what would be best for Mango? Maybe a home with a yard and another friend he can be friends with instead of a sleep kitty? Maybe someone who isn’t sad or anxious all the time?

    it would be so sad to see him go but still sad to feel like I fail him and I just want this bruising to heal.

    I can bend my wrist on it is just twisting it that really hurts.

    best wishes

    zeeza

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by Zeeza.
    #382927
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    You are welcome. I am sorry your wrist got injured! And that you didn’t have a good time at the beach as planned. I know you miss Casper, I miss the times we used to talk about him!

    You shared that it is hard for you to be a calm leader for Mango who is more high energy than Casper, and you expressed: “I am wondering what would be best for Mango? Maybe a home with a yard and another friend he can be friends with, instead of a sleep kitty? Maybe someone who isn’t sad or anxious all the time? It would be so sad to see him go but still sad to feel like I fail him and I just want this bruising to heal. I can bend my wrist on it is just twisting it that really hurts”-

    – Like I wrote to you before, I believe that you are an excellent pet mom, I can’t imagine a better one. My main concerns are: (1) Both your hands are hurting and handling Mango on a leash can further hurt any one of your already- hurt hands, (2) Your feelings of guilt are a burden that is not good for your mental health.

    Therefore, it may be a good idea to give Mango to another loving home (a yard and another dog to play with will be a bonus). It will be really nice if the new owner will have you come by and visit Mango once in a while. The whole process of finding Mango another loving home will be difficult for you emotionally, I imagine. But in a long run it may be a good choice. What do you think/ feel?

    I hope both your hands recover!

    anita

    #382974
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think it would be more doable if I moved anywhere else so walks aren’t so stressful and if I had a bigger place it would even easier to be fetch inside. I did find one listing I want to call today. They have a back deck too so Harry can enjoy some plants as well. This place is slightly out of my budget by my raise I am 5 dollars short for the income requirements but I also don’t have full 40 hours because other people start earlier than me so there is only so much work left.

    These are the special needs Mango has that I need to help with:

    Anxiety of people and big dogs

    Boundless energy because of his age I should really run a mile with him or walk him 40 min in morning and evening and my mornings have been dedicated to him I need to shower after this post but I usually end up putting off my own self care to help him in the mornings so he is calm while I work. I take him out before bed so truly at the 8 hour mark he can’t go much longer.

    Seperarion anxiety- he is ok if I am in the other room (bathroom) but when I leave to do laundry or anything small he cries loudly.

    My body is covered in bruises from playing with mango. He likes to pounce on me or play mouth me. I have no punctures just covered in bruises so I need to teach him how to be more gently.

    Thank you for your kind words Anita my wrist is okay and not as injured as I thought it would be just really hurt at first so that is a relief.

    Mangos barking at cat or things going by has improved but still needs work. He barks at the cat to ask for play time

    Mango is like a big dog in a little dogs body And he deserves the best. I don’t think I will feel guilty if I can physically keep up with him. And I would be less stressed if I had more space in general like a bedroom to close the door for 5 min instead of a tiny bathroom.

    I feel like if I exhaust every option and also recognize he is a teenager this will be the hardest phase once we get passed that I think things will be different.

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

    #382976
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I knew you wouldn’t want to give Mango away! You love him too much. I still think that you are an excellent pet mom, so I believe that he is fortunate to have you as his mom! (Also, I am happy that you are not thinking about giving him away because I like reading about Mango!)

    “These are the special needs Mango has that I need to help with”, you wrote. You listed the following:

    1) His anxiety regarding people and big dogs, and his separation anxiety (“he is ok if I am in the other room.. bathroom but when I leave to do laundry or anything small he cries loudly”).

    2) His boundless energy, being he is so young.

    3) He likes to pounce on you and play- mouth you, so your body is covered with bruises.

    You already came up with solutions/ ways to make it better: a bigger apartment would help (a yard would be great!)- but you are financially limited and you live in a big city. So, until you are able to have a bigger apartment with or without a yard, waking up early enough in the morning for a long-enough walk or jog with Mango sounds right, a good aerobic exercise for the two of you. Then back home, take a shower before you leave for work, and have breakfast sometime before leaving for work!

    I know that your apartment is very small but I bet you maximized the area available for Mango to move around, making it possible for him to jump on and off the bed when he feels like it (?). It is a good thing that your apartment is bigger in his experience than it is in yours because he is much smaller than  you. I bet that he has toys to chew on, and play with. And whenever you are home following the morning walk/ jog, take him for another walk.. and the dog park.

    As to anxiety: you are anxious and he is anxious. All humans and dogs are anxious, some more than others. So, attend to your own anxiety and to Mango’s, and try to let yourself get less anxious as you play with him and enjoy the together- time with him. If every time you leave the apartment, ex. to do the laundry- if you give him a piece of an unwashed clothing of yours, something with your scent- maybe it will calm him down, give him the feeling that you are still there (?)

    In regard to his anxiety while outside, encountering people and bigger dogs… I wonder (??) if the same idea I brought up above may work.. having the same piece of clothing with a lot of your scent,  with you while you walk him, as a comfort-cue of sorts, at times when his anxiety goes up…

    anita

     

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