July 19, 2021 at 6:37 pm #383111
I am seeing soooo much progress with Mango. He is calmer, happier and playfully listens which invites a lot of learning. I was able to have him sit and wait for a treat in front of a big dog. Afterwards he did bark frantically but was able to be calm enough to sit and wait maybe I could have had him wait longer. I feel like I am finally tiring him out enough were he is napping instead of constant need for play. Seems like going to new places and the mental stimulation is what tires him out.
I went to a nice park and an outdoor doggie friendly restaurant with cousins. It felt so good to see my cousins I only have good childhood memories with them but that was the last we saw each other was as kids so it was a fun reunion and we got an awesome photo of us with Mango. Mango did eventually calm down at restaurant instead of trying to wander and explore every direction. I took him on a run right before the food arrived so I think that helped, it was a very short little run.
The server was so sweet he kept coming back to check on Mango to see if he liked his unseasoned chicken. I play fetch with him inside and on walks. I hav set up the place to have the most distance to run with my old couch cushions in different spots for good jumping targets. Casper use to love those pillows as well mostly because it was helpful for him to lay completely flat.
My wrist hurt really bad whenever I have to pick up mango because he is so not calm on his leash. My previously injured hand is almost back to full pain at rest. I started noticing it a couple days ago where if I squeezed hard I would feel it and now I feel it at rest. I think my bruised wrist is getting better it is just weight that bothers me. So I am grateful Mango is trying very hard to listen to me, so I don’t need to hold anything tightly or hold him. Maybe one day he wont tug on leash. And Mango even had some time where he wasn’t super afraid of a skateboard. He would previously try to attack it but now he just walks along with my boyfriend. He really wants to skate with Mango. Mango gets a haircut tomorrow in the morning, then I am viewing a safer place.
Today towards the left of the street I am on it became blocked off by a bunch of police and a big tank and intercoms and they said the road was closed. walked up north to the next block and that was closed too. I couldn’t understand what they were saying over the intercom but it looked like a real safety situation of trying to catch someone dangerous. I just played fetch with mango where there was clean grass. A sweet woman with a flower garden said to please bring mango by when she has her grandson because he would love him. I thought this was sweet and mango did live with kids previously. I don’t know how well he is with them though. He has a new harness that has velcro and a clip. The velcro is to help it be fitted well. Mango is terrified of it and is timid each time I try to ask him to sit and give a paw so I can slide his harness on one arm at a time. There are things to learn when you are young but poor mango becomes afraid of the unknown often. Learning and emotional learning is a lot of repetition and I think the more he sees that there is nothing to be afraid of the calmer and better able to listen he will be.
I really like the scent Idea ! So far I have been trying to use food as new positive association. But he really loves my shoes. One of my sandals is a bit broken because of it but still wearable 🙂
It is really cute because after we get back from an adventure he goes to harry and then tries to find his fave toys and then sleeps. It is like he is checking if he still has awesome things to appreciate. It is really funny because I say mango no barking or you are going to go to house (his kennel) if he hasn’t listened to no barking a couple of times. He stops immediately. The few times I have asked him to go to his house I have never locked his door but asked him to stay. Or if he is playfully running away when I am asking him to come I go into the bathroom and remove my attention and then ask him to come and then he will listen.
Work also gave me a kudos for being observant, detail oriented, and having perseverance.
How is the taproom Anita? How are you these days?
July 19, 2021 at 6:52 pm #383114
- This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Zeeza.
I feel badly that your wrists hurt, I wonder if you can tie the leash around your elbow, or just below the elbow so that when Mango pulls on the leash unexpectedly, your hand/ wrist doesn’t get re-injured. (I’ve never seen it done, but I wonder if that’s a possibility).
I am soooo glad to read about the progress you are experiencing with sweet Mango! I am not surprised because you are the most loving pet mom there is!!! Also, good to read that you had a good time with your cousins and that overall, you sound upbeat!
I am fine, my hand is still healing, and the taproom is doing well, for now. Thank you for asking. There are two new servers and I had a very good time there last Wednesday through Sunday. It is closed Mon-Tues and should open again Wednesday. Give Mango a hug from me!
July 20, 2021 at 10:11 am #383130
- This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by anita.
I am glad you are still healing up and the taproom is open. Hopefully the new servers can blaze a new path.
The tank and police yesterday was scary I guess it had been going on for hours. I woke up too late to bring mango to his appt and I have a new place to view in an hour but I have a fat headache and I’ve been awake for an hour. Sometimes it feels like I don’t have All my wits about me until after 2 hours when I wake up.
I think I lost and share a lot of what bothers me of my bf some of it is paranoia and some of it is just wanting to ask him why doesn’t he want to listen to me to connect on an emotional level.
I told him I was scared to walk at night with Mango and asked him to stay in phone with me and he was like you got it I have to go… Which 10 min earlier he was just asking me if he could come over. Anyways he stays up until like 1-4am and I have to wake up early and he didn’t stay on the phone with me even though I was scared he was like you are fine why ? So it feels like he doesn’t care to understand me emotionally. When I went outside a car pulled up right where I was one sidewalk and made a unique illegal parking spot. Then the driver kept opening and shutting door then popped out finally to go to trunk. I didn’t stay long enough to find out why but I also now I can be paranoid but to be fair I saw a tank on my street just earlier in the day. It was blocking mangos favorite hill to play fetch on.
I am hoping both my hands heal and it doesn’t get to the point where I can’t take care of Mango or myself and I need tovrehom him and ask for help since my physically body isn’t the best.
I am trying but it makes me want to trust my bf less even when I really need support.
ZeezaJuly 20, 2021 at 1:29 pm #383143
I am definitely rooting for the two new servers, and I miss the long-term server who quit, she loved being around people, being genuine, it was nice to be around her.
I looked for news online regarding what you described in Seattle Monday, the police being involved etc., but couldn’t get anything. I wonder what it was about. I hope that your headache is better by now (?!)
In regard to “why doesn’t (bf) want to listen to me to connect on an emotional level“- I am guessing that he can try if he wants to, but as to why he doesn’t try- the answer may be as simple as: I don’t feel like it, it is too much trouble for me.
“I told him I was scared to walk at night with Mango and asked him to stay in phone with me and he was like you got it I have to go… he didn’t stay on the phone with me even though I was scared.. So it feels like he doesn’t care to understand me emotionally“- I am sorry, Zeeza.. I wish he was a better person than he is, I wish he wanted to be better.
“I am hoping both my hands heal and it doesn’t get to the point where I can’t take care of Mango or myself and I need to rehome him and ask for help since my physically body isn’t the best“- I don’t want you to rehome Mango: he belongs with you!!!
It takes forever to heal the hands’ soft tissues, but eventually, with more time.. and more patience and mindfulness, it will happen.. for you and for me!
anitaJuly 23, 2021 at 8:37 pm #383342
Ever since the tank incident every fiber of my being is saying move as soon as possible. I tried looking for an article too but all I could find was the recent incident of assault and vandalism occuring by me on a crime map with the same time occurrence.
I having a really rough couple of days on my period and at first I had strong urges of self harm. I moved through this but the abusive voices got so loud in my head. I was angry at my bf for not staying on the phone with me while I was scared to walk mango, and for him ignoring my request while he was out doing errands I asked if he could pick one thing upwhoch was coils for my vape so I wouldn’t have a burnt coil. He didn’t directly tell me no but told me to go some place nearby which has no parking and I have been cramping so badly it is hard to stay standing for long.
My Central nervous system is feeling calmer. I tried contacting aunt’s ans they offered for me to get away for a month to sort it out.
The issue is I can only afford unsafe areas. And my bf isntvsomeone to live with because he will always want to live from home and he doesn’t want to pay rent.
I feel angry because he is really the only reason why I would stay in this area instead of moving out of state or closer near Portland like I had originally thought before I knew I could work remotely.
Mango is still as playful as ever. I missed his grooming appt and that was the beginning of my sneaky self hate spiral. We have an appt we’d and I am on a call list for any cancellations.
I even desperately made a post on a housing search site titled looking for safe place to live.
There was someone out at my window at night. My bf said he thought he was going to start a fire with a lighter and took his gun out and I am like you can’t be certain he could just want light to see and it freaked me out how escalated his mind went for that situation. He doesn’t seem to understand why I want to move and why my body is in so much pain. This is honestly one of the most rough cycles and finally got the option to only have 4 cycles a year instead of 12 a year.
I am very close to booking a flight to see my grandma in my home state. It is a reunion and she is so very old and I have the time off work. It is in an isolated area that I only have good memories of.
I guess my mind wanders of how would itvfeel to be loved in a way I want to be loved. And I am trying to use that undertone to decide where I want to live. It’s hard but it won’t be forever. I think as long as I can make the choice and find a place it will be ok.
ZeezaJuly 23, 2021 at 9:00 pm #383345
He even said he thought high rent was propaganda to reinforce a nuclear family.
When I say snapped I mean I really snapped at him and told him he was selfish and to F* off for trying to tell me what I do or don’t need. After I snapped at him all my anger turned inwards. He always is up late and I needed to sleep early for work. He came over the other day past midnight. I was crying a lot and apologized to him before at the time of incident but by the next day I was afraid to be alone with myself so I cried when he said he was leaving and then he feels ideas to surprise me by coming back at midnight the same day. It didn’t really comfort me because I had called down enough to go through the steps of how do I stop beating myself up and I wondered am I codependent?
I told him I am Sorry for snapping at him because it is my problem if your words affect me to that degree but I can set my boundary of what I will tolerate to hear. But in reflection I wonder if I am just seeing red or so depressed I am in Al or nothing thinking where I can only see negatives or if the negatives are true to the point where cancels out the positives. Like trying to make living in this current place feel ok.
Sorry to add to the list above but I felt like I needed to share these parts. It really feels out of character and I don’t know what set me off so specifically.
ZeezaJuly 23, 2021 at 10:33 pm #383349
I will read and reply to your two recent posts Sat morning.
anitaJuly 24, 2021 at 7:04 am #383373
Seems to me that the only reason you are with your boyfriend is because you are afraid to be totally alone. And it seems to me that it would be way better for you to move out of Seattle, to a calmer, safer place, maybe to Portland, as you’ve been thinking. Take Mango and Sir Harry with you and relocate.
anitaJuly 24, 2021 at 5:23 pm #383405
I think I finally picked a location that would be easy to move with my animals, affordable, and relatively safe. I called a bunch of places. I also realize this is not the ideal time of year to move with rent usually being the highest in the summer. So maybe I can find a place by September.
I recently put the mirror back out and Mango is barking at his reflection. I tell him dat you bud. He is silly.
I like the idea of this area because I had spent time there for community college and felt like that was the most positive mindset. It is about an hour from where I live now so it is not a drastic change to move to portland or out of state.
Thank you for helping me face reality clearly and succinctly. I do have moments where I am afraid to be alone and I have made it so with this pandemic and life events where I turn to my bf instead of others for things so I think this distance is needed.
I found a random love letter I wrote to myself for when I forget what makes me happy or who I am. It felt so foreign to find it and I don’t remember writing it. I also found a QA and I answered the question who are my heros? Casper, viktor frankl, and now in the present I would like to add Dear Anita. You have added so much compassion, empathy, and coping skills for Tiny Buddha I hope you know your Energy and Efforts are Appreciated.
I think I will start journaling again more regularly in one book so I can keep better track of gratitude and emotions. It seems like I stop communicating within and then explode with emotions? This thread has been a safe place to learn how to speak empathetically with myself and try to decipher logic within emotions. I am hoping to do more of this on my own so when we do catch up we can catch up as friends. I feel bad sharing so much and if I have a fear of being alone it is like I have a fear of being alone with myself because it can feel like a stranger.
I titled it Radiance
“Singing in the day is a familiar day indeed.
Playing the music mapped out in my mind of a spiritual home.
I do have enough time. My feelings and thoughts matter and I belong. I take good care of my animals and care deeply for my friends. I am enough. Failing forward to supernova growth.
Optimizing the tools and energy to love myself just as deeply. The traces of infinity is to let as much love in as one lets out. And of course to always remember that there are infinite possibilities and infinite perspectives and my heartmindbody fusion is the center of balance to discover my truth. In this wisdom I am protected. Bright blue light lucidly engraving the way. So I am writing this future love letter to myself. For those mornings or days I feel confused or emotionally numb. I will guide myself gently with the thoughtful plan and solutions I have created.
Time for reading loved books, Time to play with animals, color in gradients, create sticker art, and sewing my own expressions of empowered resilience.
I want to feel the blissful urgency of the sunrise expressing the crossover of now. The excitement of playing with my war paint (makeup*) in the morning and opening my body up to peace.The enthralling creativity of unraveling newness. Filling my stomach with love is to eat all the colors (veggies and fruits are colorful*). Laughing with a friends<3
I want to become a lighthouse of love rippling throughout space time. A safe place to heal. Even through the darkest days this fire burns always. I forgive myself and feel the spaciousness grow around me; to build new roads to travel.
My emotions are signals of connection. To change, radical acceptance, or communicate my yes and no. Share my valued voice.
My seeds, to plant, are almost ready. I have outlined the black and white logistics and aligned resources. The art business schedule can start when I feel crystal clear confidence. Unshakeable why and self-belief. Energy and power comes from our choice of beliefs. Our magic is in our deep rooted intentions. I intend to live courageously so when I die I give myself the greatest gift of all, an unchained soul. (fear didn’t hold me back*)
Or perhaps I practice more by myself being comfortable championing authenticity and compassion. Leaders lead by taking care. By making it safe to do so.
The universe speaks to me because I am also part of universe. ”
Thank you for listening Anita, I hope you are enjoying the sunny summer and your hands are healing well too.
July 25, 2021 at 8:42 am #383420
- This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Zeeza.
You are welcome, and thank you for the kindest words, I am touched and grateful to you! My hands are still in the process of healing, I am typing right now with both hand-braces. Good to read that you found a place an hour away to move to, a place that will accommodate you, Sir Harry and cute Mango who barks at his image in the mirror!
“It seems like I stop communicating within and then explode with emotions?.. I have a fear of being alone“- then keep communicating within, and keep posting here about your thoughts and feelings, particularly when you feel alone and fearful. When you post here, you know that I will read every time. (I want to read from you!) This way, you will not be alone with your thoughts and feelings.
“Radiance… My feelings and thoughts matter and I belong. I take good care of my animals and care deeply for my friends. I am enough…I am writing this future love letter to myself. For those mornings or days I feel confused or emotionally numb“- I like parts of Radiance that I didn’t quote here as well, but I quoted what is most important: you are enough! You are kind and loving and gentle and caring!
“I intend to live courageously“- I like these five words, they encourages me personally, to live more courageously than I do now!
anitaJuly 25, 2021 at 9:52 am #383424
Yay inspiration and I very enjoy sharing and writing here and listening to your thoughts. I was thinking of writing in a journal More often so I can connect to understanding more. I use to write twice a day. And I think this well help when I look in retrospect of what set me off perhaps. Or what excitement I had for goals before I got depressed thinking I just need to do bare minimum.
Mango got sick from breakfast so I am changing his food he hasn’t been wanting the puppy how but cat food he can’t have so I got dog food with higher protein.
Did you enjoy the taproom recently?
ZeezaJuly 25, 2021 at 11:22 am #383426
You are not only a loving pet mom, but a smart pet mom for understanding that Mango likes cat food so much because he needs more protein. I just googled and found in vet nutrition. tufts. edu: “To prevent protein deficiency in the average pet, the Association of American Feed Control Officials (AAFCO) nutrient profiles have a minimum protein of 4.5 g/100 kcal for adult dogs and 5.63 g/100 kcal for pregnant and nursing dogs and for puppies.
Cats have higher protein requirements than dogs… 6.5 g/100 kcal for adult cats and 7.5 g/100 kcal for pregnant and nursing cats and kittens. Many commercial dry cat foods contain 1.5 -2 times more protein than the AAFCO minimum for adult cats“– that’s why Mango likes Sir Harry’s food, mystery solved!!!
Writing in a journal sounds good to me. As far as the taproom, I was there for less than an hour yesterday and had to leave for another event and was sorry for leaving. Wed-Fri there were wonderful, and next, I will probably be there next Wednesday. Thank you for remembering that I wanted to update you about the taproom!
anitaJuly 26, 2021 at 7:49 pm #383492
Mango really loves his new food a lot and he has been eating more which I am all for because he has not been eating as much as I would like him to previously. The kind I got is “Nature’s Evolutionary Diet with Salmon”. Mango is part poodle so I thought he would like fish and it has other things that are helpful in it too for a strong immune system.
It made me really happy to read your post I am grateful to be helpful and make progress. I didn’t journal like I stated I would previously but felt that I was so busy with everything. I put self care last so I am hoping this weekend I implement a new routine to keep. I think having the momentum of eating well and having good sleep that gives way to making and sticking to a routine more feasible.
I have been thinking of making some sort of art to represent Turning a Blind Eye. Which is an odd saying. But in some ways I Feel like I don’t face a lot of my problems head on which is like turning the eye. But in other scenarios turning a blind eye can make one feel less sad. Like I do not google of bad things happening every day but I do know these things still occur.
I don’t thing there is ever such a thing as too much honesty but maybe honesty that isn’t gently delivered or asked for? I mean I feel like sometimes having honesty even when it isn’t asked for is probably good in some situations like if a friend wanted to know if they were being cheated on? And by honesty I don’t mean opinions but details. Being honest about what occurs. I don’t know but my mom use to make me write a 100 times I will not lie to my mother quite often because she always tend to think I was lying or hiding something because I would be so nervous. I would not write it word after word but in columns of letters and spaced out perfectly how many lines on each page I needed to write it on so I could tell myself where the finish line was. Because I held deep inside me my truth and it felt by participating in these act I was showing my mom I lied but I did not break the vacuum, tell my sibling to draw on walls, lose a hairclip on purpose, this wasn’t a mean punishment but having my truth made me so angry because no matter what I said would be believed leading me to feel powerless. Except in this way of being able to choose how I write the words.
I had an uncomfortable honest moment at work and can’t really talk about it here. But I am hoping that honesty isn’t met with anger.
Maybe by being honest and always being aware of truth then one can not be manipulated? Like if I was young in my core I would say I know I am good even though I am being told I am not based on how I am telling the truth. Or just that no one is inherently good or bad but maybe our behavior can be.
Anita I wanted to ask you what does living more courageously in life look like inn your perspective?
July 27, 2021 at 12:35 pm #383536
- This reply was modified 5 days, 23 hours ago by Zeeza.
“Nature’s Evolutionary Diet with Salmon”- isn’t it cat food (it’s listed this way online)?
“I think having the momentum of eating well and having good sleep that gives way to making and sticking to a routine more feasible“- reads good to me!
I am not very focused, so I hope that I am not misunderstand anything that you shared (the quotes below in italics), as I comment below (let me know):
“my mom use to make me write a 100 times I will not lie to my mother quite often because she always tend to think I was lying or hiding something because I would be so nervous“- she probably projected herself (her lying/ hiding ways) into you, seeing herself in you. Meaning, she did not see the honest Zeeza that you were then, and still are= the Zeeza that I see.
“having my truth made me so angry because no matter what I said would (not) be believed leading me to feel powerless“- she didn’t believe you because she didn’t see you, she saw herself instead.
“I had an uncomfortable honest moment at work and can’t really talk about it here. But I am hoping that honesty isn’t met with anger” – let me know if your honesty was met with anger, I doubt it will, hope it won’t (?)
“if I was young, in my core I would say I know I am good, even though I am being told I am not.. Or just that no one is inherently good or bad but maybe our behavior can be“- you were definitely good, all young children are, meaning, all young children want is for their mother/ parents to be happy, and they will do anything and everything possible for them, to make it happen.
“Anita I wanted to ask you what does living more courageously in life look like in your perspective?“- my most recent experience with living more courageously is being spontaneous (in what I say to a person, how I say it), and then, not regretting it (not doubting myself, second guessing myself, torturing myself with the question: did I say something wrong, did I say something terrible that has hurt someone terribly etc.). It feels like freedom to be myself, not overthinking it, trusting myself.
anitaJuly 28, 2021 at 9:58 am #383580
The dog food brand is blue wilderness maybe they have a cat brand as well.
The honesty I shared went well. The owner of the lab spoke with me to come up with solutions and expressed gratitude for bringing it up.
And yes thank you Anita that makes sense that my mom projected her insecurities out on me when she was struggling to be sober.
I love your perspective on what it means to more courageous. By self trust to share ideas.
- This reply was modified 4 days, 9 hours ago by Zeeza.