August 5, 2021 at 9:53 am #384182
Mango howling at his toy is hilarious, so cute: I am smiling for the first time this morning imagining him howling at a toy and running in water!
Good to read that one of your hand is improving, mine too! So you might move to an upper apartment in the same building.. that’s good. Your art plans sound exciting. Reads like you are in a good mood, optimistic and encouraged- I like that!
In 3 days you will be flying to your home state. I wish you safe travels and a good visit!
anitaAugust 7, 2021 at 8:00 pm #384263
I am so not ready to fly out and have a lot of resistance. I want to make my grandma happy the love is keeping me motivated. Haven’t dye touched my hair so it will have most natural color showing most because that is what my gram always comments on is how she misses my natural hair color.
It is very pretty there very peaceful
My hand is flaring up again and it was hurting at rest. Made me realize it’s hard to know pain to push through or pain to stop and listen.
I feel kind of angry when I got into the car wreck my gram just asked me why am I not in school and I am like it is hard to walk and brush my hair I don’t feel the same and she was mad. I shut down didn’t reach to anyone no one really knew what was going on but in retrospect I forgive and realize she might not of been in her right mind when she was pushing me to finish . And I know she loves me not conditionally but it has felt this way in interpretations.
I love my gram so much I want to anything I can to have her be happy so much so I am willing to walk into PTSD town .
I just don’t want to hear anything about being a disappointment buy my gram always said I have so much potential and that is what she is stressing on.
I hope to read books to hear and take her on a row boat ride but my hand won’t let me do thstbi don’t think.
As I was typing this out something fell in the closet and scared mango. Startled me too seemed out of no where but ok. He will stay with BF and then they will come check in on sir Harry.
I have anxiety medication so I will take too when I get on the plane to sleep. I can take 2 at night and one during day.
I will just keep carrying how to cherish what time we have and be grateful as motivation.
To be honest I haven’t packed and I am embarassed because everyone will be dressed so nice and I don’t compare but that’s ok.
Hopefully I find good books to read that was what I loved doing when I visited with gram.
Oh I think I am going to figure out speech tovt xt option because typing isn’t my friend right now. Did you find any speech to text options that worked well for you Anita?
I hope you are well ? 🙂
August 7, 2021 at 8:28 pm #384265
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Zeeza.
I was thinking about you earlier, before you posted, wondering about your travel to see your grandmother. concerned about how that’s going to turn out. I hope Mango will be okay in your absence, and Sir Harry too. I will reply further when I am more focused Sun morning (I am tired now). I am so glad it’s raining here, after the long drought! Be back to you tomorrow morning!
anitqAugust 8, 2021 at 8:31 am #384278
You might be flying as I am typing this message, how exciting!
It’s nice of you to keep your natural hair color showing so to please your grandmother during your visit with her. I am sorry to read that your hand is flaring up again.. be careful with that hand, mindful of how you move it.
Maybe you should bring up to your grandmother the topic of your car wreck and her reaction at the time, telling her gently how it made you feel. Maybe a conversation with her will resolve your understandable resentment in regard to that past exchange with her. And don’t forget to tell her how much you love her (“I love my gram so much I want to do anything I can to have her be happy so much so I am willing to walk into PTSD town“)- and be cautious while you are in PTSD town, good thing you took your anti-anxiety medication with you, use it as needed.
“I just don’t want to hear anything about being a disappointment buy my gram always said I have so much potential and that is what she is stressing on“- tell her that, so that she will have a greater opportunity to NOT tell you what you don’t want to hear.
“I am embarrassed because everyone will be dressed so nice and I don’t compare but that’s ok“- it is okay because no one’s heart is more beautiful than yours!
I am fine, thank you for asking. I didn’t look up the speech to text option because my right hand that used to hurt when typing- doesn’t hurt anymore, and my left hand, still in a brace, doesn’t hurt when I type. I am looking forward to read from you about how the visit is going, but I hope it’s going so well that you don’t have the time or the need to post here!
anitaAugust 8, 2021 at 9:23 pm #384356
I am at airport waiting for flight. I won’t have wifi or much cell service.
Thank you for the insight to help communicate better but my grams memory is fading she is having a hard time walking so I hope to talk about good memories and enjoy our nostalgia together.
Maybe I can talk to my aunts about how to reach out better when I am struggling.
Hope you enjoy the week and will post when I can 🙂
Airports make me nervous lol thanks for the tip a smile from a big heart is the best thing to wear 🙂August 8, 2021 at 9:39 pm #384357
At the airport now! Keep yourself calm, best you can, and keep your expectations of the visit minimal. Have a safe flight!
anitaAugust 9, 2021 at 5:32 am #384367
You are welcome. I hope that your experience at the airport was okay (I used to love airports!) and that you slept well enough. I understand about you not planning to have serious conversations with your grams, and if you do talk to your aunts about you reaching out to them when you are struggling, I hope that they respond supportively and suggest to reach out to you regularly, perhaps, to ask how you are doing (?)
Keep yourself as calm as possible, enjoy what you can, and post anytime during or after your visit. Looking forward to read from you about the visit!
anitaAugust 13, 2021 at 9:20 am #384630
I made it back. I had no wifi and hardly any cell service so it was hard to reach out for support. It was a rough trip and I am glad it is over some good moments but I have been crying this morning and just really PTSD stressed and trying to come back to the moment. I’m glad it is over with. I will write more soon and I hope you are well. It’s good to be back I think.
ZeezaAugust 13, 2021 at 9:28 am #384632
Welcome back, good to read that you made it back safely. I am guessing that you have Mango and Sir Harry back with you. I bet Mango was/ is happy to see you!
I understand that your trip was difficult and I want to read more about what made it difficult, about what happened and what the visit means to you. Please try to calm yourself best you can, and post again when you are ready.
anitaAugust 13, 2021 at 12:07 pm #384646
I couldn’t stop crying and I am so over tired I just didn’t trust myself to work so I just stopped.
I was crying because I felt shame like I. Bad last night and tried to calm down.
What made me cry to hard today that was my stopping point was bruises on mango. At the base of his ears and on his side. Bf said he would hold his head if he tries to play bite. Also mango does run into things but it triggered me to Casper’s moment of being hurt.
During trip gram would go from telling me how I disappoint her to saying I am sweet. Her health and lack of willingness to recieve help is hard. She has IBS but denies it. She had skin cancer I saw it and she said she doesn’t need it removed. It was hardest after over 10 years I finally see these people and try to pretend I belong but I didn’t go to some fancy school and become a doctor I am the odd one out and questions were raised. There was a lot. But I did try to have fun and my aunts were suppprtive. They told me my grandma has always been kind of mean and one of my aunts therapist said grandma is a narcissist because she can never be wrong ever. Grandma loves Casper and she does not like animals and Casper touched her heart. It was hard for me to wrap my head around this because I went from abusive mom to live with gram who was more peaceful but still a kind of world we’re love is conditionap and I am bait and switch like a compliment to a put down.
I was breakig down because I can’t sleep and don’t know what to do and bf was like start by taking a fu**ing shower. I only vpidl take one shower there because there was water shortage and no showered allowed.
I also said I am thinking of tattoo I need to remind me to always love myself and not believe what people tell me and he just says get a trampv stamp that says exit only and I cried at this like I told him that it hurt and he was like yeah makes sense you cry a lot coming back. He cleaned the place he tried getting food set up for me and I was just so angry I had a hard time being present last night. I watched a video and asked him how he was bit I was angry as bout having to pretend or try to be loveable to family. Pretend that I belong.
He is annoyed with me and that was why he was being mean. When I saw mango at first I asked him to get off my lap because I needed space )I just hopped into the car) and then invited him back and hugged him and he was so sleepy but I feel awful my first thing I said to him was off.
Anita his bruises on his ears break my heart. I wish I had first thing told him yay I love you instead of off but I needed to buckle my seat belt and drink water and I was over stressed I feel bad but I am so confused on life.
I don’t know how to trust anything or anyone right now it is like everything is in question except mango and Harry and tiny Buddha. When I finally got to my bed last night we call snuggled .
I want to take him to vet to see if something else is going on to make his ears bruise like that lol is something in his ears?
I wish I could say I was a better person but I feel like I failed in many ways. Why couldn’t I just be happy and welcoming and chill when all mango wanted to do was hop in my lap first thing but I put him on his dog bed by guiding him with his harness so I could buckle in instead of hugging him first thing I did hug him after wards and he rode in my lap the whole time after that.
I just feel like my mind is beating me up like emotional flashback of shame and I am trying to correct actions make it more about guilt and change. But it’s hard to have focus.August 13, 2021 at 12:54 pm #384651
About not hugging Mango first thing because you wanted to buckle first- I don’t think that his feelings got hurt because soon after you did hug him. Because Mango doesn’t have a human vocabulary, he doesn’t have the words to help him remember that you didn’t immediately hug him. He long forgot by now.
It seems like the way you viewed your grandmother was heavily influenced by nostalgia, that when you were a child- in comparison to your mother and step father- she was like an angel. You needed an angel in your life, and she was the closest to it (?)
But in reality, she is not such a nice person (not surprising to me, because she is your mother’s mother, and it wasn’t exactly love that she passed on to your mother). She loved Casper- that’s a good part of her, but that she told you then and still (!!) that she is disappointed of you- that’s a bad part of her. Also, your aunt (your grandmother’s daughter) told you that her therapist suggested that your gram is a narcissist.. well, that’s not a positive suggestion as to your grandmother’s character.
The more you see your mother, your grandmother.. all the people in your childhood the way they really are (and were), the better your mental health.
“bruises on mango. At the base of his ears and on his side“- I am going to ask today at the taproom, hoping to see any one or both of the two women who work with dogs, one as a veterinarian and the other as an assistant in a vet clinic, about possibilities as to the origin of such bruises! (Are you certain those were not there before you left for your visit?)
It will take time for you to calm down after the excitement (positive and negative) related to the visit. Be patient, give yourself time, relax best you can and post again anytime.
anitaAugust 13, 2021 at 8:48 pm #384662
Mango seems to be more lethargic but he lets me explore the area of discoloration without much of a reaction. He did play fetch a little indoors and it is hot out but he hasn’t eaten much of his regular food just treats. It is pretty cool temp in this apartment though. I think I am concerned about the side bruising I don’t think it is normal for a dog to bruise which is why I asked bf if he fell or something. He was on a liner to go outside in a yard and come back in.
I am seriously considering packing all things and animals and heading to wyoming and keeping my remote job. I don’t know how mango got these bruises I believe they are and no I had not noticed before and his hair is really short somewhat growing a bit but he recently got a summer cut.
I need to take him to vet, break lease, pack things. Will take two days to drive. I have a friend who can help me move and i can mail some things and animals can travel with me and I have a friend’s place I can stay at wyoming and most likely find affordable housing within the month. I have known this friends for 8 years and before pandemic visited twice a year and try to stay in touch. It is 14 hour drive. Can do this on my weekend hopefully.
tryin to offer mango food but he didn’t eat it. He looked like he ate some dirt based on some bathroom business.
I am just really scared and seeking safety. I don’t know if bf did this or a relative or if he hurt himself on the line bbut I am scared and stressed and trying to make good choices. I need sleep I honestly think I will sleep after this message. I hope you are well anita and you enjoy the taproom.
August 13, 2021 at 9:02 pm #384665
- This reply was modified 2 months ago by Zeeza.
I do hope that you will sleep very soon. It is scary to think that bf might had hurt Mango… the heat could explain his lack of appetite.. but the bruising, maybe the vet can tell you what it could be. I hate the possibility that this man may have hurt Mango! Suspecting him of that is enough of a reason to end the relationship. The move to Wyoming reads reasonable to me, nothing to tie you to Seattle.
anitaAugust 14, 2021 at 9:09 am #384688
How are you this Saturday? I was thinking: it’s probably not a good idea for you to make decisions about moving to Wyoming, or anywhere, so soon after your return from your visit to your family back east. Give yourself some time to adjust/ stabilize following that emotional visit.
Also, see if you can find out whether Mango could have been physically abused while you were gone (none of the vet workers I told you about were at the taproom yesterday, so I wasn’t able to ask in regard to his bruises).
anitaAugust 14, 2021 at 2:12 pm #384755
mango ate breakfast and seems more cuddley which might be because I was gone for a bit. when I inspect that area he doesn’t seem to respond to much to it. I thought give him bath and see if it is just something on his fur? I asked bbf again about what could of happened and that maybe some blood condition or something is going on and he was saying when he went to pick me up air airport he slammed on breaks and the backpack switched spots with mango so a big backpack might of knocked him then. It is his ears and side.
Yes I think wyoming might be hard because there is snow and I haven’t had a snowy winter since i lived in my home state so I am not sure how that will sit with my ptsd.
I woke up at 5am and started work early I think I might be able to follow this new pattern. It makes life a lot easier to finish earlier. I don’t have an appt for mango yet or my hand. I think I might be able to get a vet appt scheduled today bbut noot my hand it is saturday.
Today it felt like all the clutter narration in my mind was silenced and I had more space to focus and redirect a calm breath. He still is less energetic than usual but seems to be in good spirits.
How are you feeling Anita?