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  • #384759
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Good to read that all the clutter narration in your mind was silenced (I like the way you put it), and excellent to read that Mango is back to his cute, cuddly self, and in good spirits. The reason he is less energetic could be the wildfire smoke in the air, it started Wednesday, and got worse Thursday, while you were away!

    It sounds plausible that Mango got bruised a bit when he slammed on the breaks and Mango got pushed around in the backpack.

    Wyoming snows, so maybe not. I hope you are resting this afternoon, I am fine, thank you, and just about to leave to the taproom. If you had an air purifier, by the way, and you had it on, you could see if Mango is more energetic. It will benefit you too, of course.

    anita

    #384774
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    We do have an air filter and you reminded me last night to close my window I forgot to close it to keep it cooler and smoke out. I woke up and my first clutter narrative thought was my mind is losing it going crazy with a deep sigh. And I cancelled this thought out by not believing it and thinking I am just going through some healing: because I am not self harming and I am talking about it and fear had no longer complete my hijack my brain.

    And I am able to successfully wake up early again. I did fall asleep later so I have maybe 6.5 hours of sleep and no coffee. I would just waking to a has station but if I leave mango he would bark and wake everyone. I might have some delivered but seems expensive. I have groceries being delivered this evening.

    So I have a friend of a friend I met and they need a place to stay before moving into new bought condo. My other friend just had kittens and they are moving to East coast soon. I use to nanny for this family. The person who needs housing is kind and to trade free housing he said he can give Harry love and watch him so I can take my work stuff and mango and spend a week at my friend’s while someone watches Harry. He has a pet snake python that is also needing temp home. So I welcomed him and snake can rest on my art desks I’ll just Move everything off. I will leave on 18th. So I do have a wish come true a way to leave somewhere safe and be with loved ones.

    I am thinking of tattooing over self harming scars and maybe a base of my throat tattoo with an om symbol. My scars are my hip to the top of my right boob which is what bothers me most. A scars reminding me of battles lost I want to see if as battles won because no more scars.  An om symbol to speak of peace and a reflection that my voice is valued I value my voice.

    Mango likes to push his nose on my thigh when I am sitting like a little push to say hi I want to play or come onto your lap. It is really cute and way better than play biting lol .

    I am grateful to share experiences with you Anita and I hope we can take deep breaths to open space in our hearts for future gratitude.

    I hope we have the best day we can. It already feels empowering to be awake so early I’ll try to find some coffee.

    Best wishes,

    Zeeza

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Zeeza.
    #384784
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I was up extremely early today, by 3:30 I was up and about, don’t want this to happen again. I hope you had coffee by the time you read this. Did I understand correctly: you will be leaving this coming Wednesday for a week?

    Tattooing over self-harming scars reads like a good idea.. like adding something hopeful/ joyful on top of something that was hopeless/ miserable: not erasing the pervious experience, but adding to it.

    I woke up and my first clutter narrative thought was my mind is losing it going crazy with a deep sigh. And I cancelled this thought out by not believing it and thinking I am just going through some healing… and fear had no longer complete my hijack my brain“- I feel good reading this!

    anita

    #384896
    Zeeza
    Participant

    dear Anita,

    why were you awake so early? Is it harder to sleep?

    within 24 hrs I Am going to be ready to spend a week with a friend and her kittens and I have someone who can watch harry while I am gone.

    I called two vet places most are booked until the 21st. I feel like I will have peace of mind after he sees vet. might have to walkin urgent care to be seen.

    I want to break up with my bf because I feel like I am his punchline when emotional. IDK it dooesn’t cheer me up and maybe can just write it off as we don’t have the same sense of humor. I can’t want to see him after wondering and thinking he might of bruised mango even if he didn’t it is burned into my mind. I can’t unfeel it. and I can’t trust that it is or isn’t so.

    Mango has been more cuddley and wants to be in my lap more than ever before.

    I feel like I have to ask permission and be logical to break up with bf but I don’t trust him and I feel bad for hurting him by breaking up.

    If I move closer to friends in september it will be easier to stay broken up. He is still a friend but it feels like an illusion. being mean isn’t cancelled out by being nice sometimes.

    I will do my best to complete my todo list and take care of animals. the only thing that is scary is truth I may never know. I showered and it had been a couple days and honestly hadn’t brushed my hair for 4 days. It feels way better to fix this and care for myself I need to stop doing this to myself. It will feel so good to complete my to do lists and take care. I think that is another reason it is hard because bf tries to do things that are hard for me to do like carry big things. I can survive on my own or learn to ask others for help.

    best wishes

    zeeza

    #384897
    Zeeza
    Participant

    dear anita,

    I found a walk in clinic for mango that we can go to Wednesday. the tattoo I was thinking medusa. Having medusa on my side feels safe.

    I am starting to feel less powerless by this opportunities opening up.

     

    #384901
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    being mean isn’t cancelled out by being nice sometimes“- I couldn’t say it better!

    wondering and thinking he might of bruised mango even if he didn’t it is burned into my mind. I can’t unfeel it. and I can’t trust that it is or isn’t so“- I feel the same in regard to him, I too wonder if he did or didn’t.. what his mother comes to mind, I don’t remember exactly, but something about killing a cat, do you remember.. something about being very abusive to an animal. This is what or who he grew up, so I am suspicious too.

    In regard to breaking up with him: you and I have been thinking for a long time that it’s the right choice for you, it’s just that you were alone and lonely, worrying that if you don’t have him in your life, you will have no one close by to call if you get stuck somewhere with a broken car. And you felt protected in your apartment, having a man there. I think that these are the main reasons  why you didn’t break up with him so far, and that when you did break up with him  once, you got back together soon after.

    Back to the trust issue- that’s a deal breaker, I don’t think it can be repaired.

    I am starting to feel less powerless by this opportunities opening up”-good thing! I hope you and Mango enjoy your week stay with your friend. I am fine, woke up later this morning!

    anita

    #384943
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    emotions are catching up with me deep sadness for mango and frustration of history on repeat. I tihnk maybe I need to start a new thread or something I really do appreciate it but I don’t want to be history on repeat anymore.

    I keep thinking of the lyrics even in these chains you can’t break me. I get my car very soon. the plan is to leave tomorrow morning to walk in vet clinic as soon as they open so we can be first. I Am afraid that if it is bruises last time casper was held for evidence for a month because it is a crime. Casper’s injuries were much more severe near death injuries so it was a felony if he did die but he survived. Thanks to miracle vets and miracles. and poor mangos head where his ears start is all I can think on. so when we go to vet and it is bruises an investigation will start.

    when I ended it with him I just texted him that I can’t trust and etc can’t untie him in my mind to mango and bruises and might move out of state. He said just do what you gotta do. SO I don’t think he will stalk me like the STP man kind of did with incessant messages and following in my car when I tried to leave. that won’t happen.and hopefully when my friend is staying here my ex can come pick up his stuff.  but was mostly numb and now it feels heavy and I think I will feel relieved after vet and going to friends house.

    I talked to my aunts and told them what I think is happening and my plan. they were supportive and asked how they could help and I said to please keep in touch I just don’t want to be alone in this and they tried to remind me that it isn’t my fault.

    It feels like I shared pictures of what i thought was a bruises and my friend agreed. the friend who IAm about to visit so I am less paranoid that I can’t trust my judgement.

    my aunt also brought up that he didn’t offer to help take mango to vet or ask about it or notice my car still parked at work knowing. I could of paid an uber but it seems like a waste of 50 dollars so. Idid catch a ride. but even if he didn’t hurt mango he isn’t there for me in other ways like that.

    Thank you or being there for me anita. What a wammy to go to home state and then poor mango. also I think and fear what if he knows this is my thread like from using my computer while I was gone? I don’t know what kind of precautions to take but if you can injure an animal I believe one is capable of much more.

    I will be safe I feel like once I leave. and it feels weird like I don’t want people to know whats going on because I Feel so shame but I am letting people know anyways because I don’t want to become paralyzed by self denial.

    best wishes

    zeeza

    #384944
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I read just a bit of your thread, reads like you broke up with him..? And you want to start a new thread (that will be fine with me)?! Will be back to you in a couple of hours!

    anita

    #384951
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I didn’t consider this: once you take Mango to the vet an animal abuse investigation will start for minor bruises?

    And you really did break up with him and his response: “just do what you gotta do”. I understand you feeling heavy after all this, and I too think that you will feel relieved after seeing the vet and visiting your friend for a week.

    Good to read that your aunts were supportive and willing to be there for you, although long-distance.

    also I think and fear what if he knows this is my thread like from using my computer while I was gone?“- if anything your thread is evidence of his bad behavior, not anything that he would want to take to court against you!! There is nothing in your thread that makes you look bad, and a lot that makes you look good.  What are you worried about in regard to him locating your thread, and how will he be able to know that Zeeza (a screen name) is you?

    anita

    #384993
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I made it to my friends place. Went to two different places to try to get mango seen the first place was randomly closed the second place was already at capacity for a walk-in vet clinic at 11am.

    My aunt who has a vet as a friend contacted her and got advice. Can only treat pain and my aunt offered to send ointment for it. For abuse cases of is hard to prove without video unless it is a near death like Casper which couldn’t be explained by like getting hit by a car. Anyways vet friend said to help mango mentally to keep trust fun and love.

    The kids plays and love mango and they keep accidentally calling him Casper on accident too.?which is understandable I point out mnagoew orange ears and says this is mango and yes I miss Casper too.

    It really hurt my hand to pack up my car today. But I did it and have it set up to stay for a week. My friends I am staying with are moving to East coast in the same town of one of my aunts. I was very frustrated mango couldn’t be seen but I guess there is a vet shortage in the state since we have extra hoops for vets to jump through if they move here? At least that is what a neighbor was saying.

    Sir Harry likes the friend who will visit him so far, my ex only contact was him offering to bring mangos crate right after I posted here. I said not today but at some point. He needs to get his stuff too. I don’t want to be alone with him. He isn’t outwardly angry and he helped think of the name for Mango so it is mentally hard. Part of me feels to handicapped for Mango. If I make it work and having the kids play fetch and run with him is great. I think I am going to fall asleep early.

    I am only concerned he knows if he looks through my history or if I may have accident left a tab open my thread tab open.

    I don’t think he cares about break up or he doesn’t believe it because we have done this before break up and get together. I don’t know but I am seriously considering moving out of state so I don’t get stuck in this cycle of dating guys who aren’t good and then feeling like I have no one I can call for help. Somehow it all worked out for me right now by being at my friends though we never are truly alone.

    It takes a lot to bruise a dog because their skin is so thick they don’t normally get bruises from rough housing. Mango ran into a tree trunk when I first got him and his head didn’t bruise. But he did have much more fluffy hair to protect him idk. It is so hard because my ex would take videos of him and act like he really does like him. Butango has bruises and he did says he wants tired of being responsible for him while I was gone. It just doesn’t make sense big even if he didn’t still need to break up. I think I wanted a sanity check at vet to say they are bruises. They are though and most people who see him in person agree. Blue on his right hear I think is what bothers him most.

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

    #385006
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I hope you slept well last night and that your hands heals. Mine hurt a bit yesterday, had some ice on it. It takes forever. In regard to (ex?) boyfriend and Mango- I don’t trust him and felt uncomfortable to begin with, when you said that you’ll be leaving Mango with him. But I figured, maybe there is something that Zeeza knows that I don’t.

    When you and him were at the beach some time ago, and he let go of the leash, I think it was, and your other hand got hurt- I suspected that he did it on purpose, not that he planned to do it, but that in the span of a second or so, he thought: this could  be fun, if I let go of the leash.

    When driving with Mango to pick you up from the airport, I would imagine that he was not very careful regarding Mango’s safety. I imagine he sees that Mango can get  roughed up during the ride, and thinks something like: no big deal (with a little sadistic smile on his face).

    I don’t have evidence to what I am suggesting here, of course. It’s the impression I have of him based on what you shared about him over time.

    I hope you enjoy the rest of your visit and I believe that you have the courage to make the right decisions in regard to the (ex) boyfriend now and in the future.

    anita

    #385030
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It was hard to sleep last night because mango isn’t use to sounds so I would take him outsideto calm down but he seems more adjusted. He loves loves playing with the kids. I don’t want him to get overwhelmed thouh so he get play time breaks and a fenced yard. I have a tub fill of toys for him and my friend who was watching Harry sent a video of them playing together, so Harry isn’t lonely.

    Anita my ex did think it was funny when I cried because of Casper’s poops the fall before the winter of Casper’s passing. I think he thinks pain is funny.. He also did grab my throat tootightly and made it hurt for days afterwards while. But I keep Thinking saying all accidents. I said he could touch my neck but no squeeze it. And when that happened I didn’t break up with him until we had an argument about MLK being a failure I don’t now I am never going back with him again. But this random accidents don’t just all happen. Makes me sad to think 8 months after I started seeing him Casper crossed over, Casper was elderly but I remember back then it bothered me how he tried to tell me what I do wrong as a pet parent, I don’t what to think to deeply but want to at least look at the time line of it all.

    So hard to lose casper injure hands that coincendentally happened after seeing him , go to my home state, and have mango bruised like history on repeat but I am not falling apart I am able to keep focus on positive change. I am able to get out of fear state and face truth.

    My dominant hand more of my wrist is bothering me the other leash injury is almost fully healed. I hope your wrists heal soon Anita. Sometimes it feels easier to process physical pain as tangible versus emotional pain. I am gratecul to enjoy today and hope to be fully preent to enjoy tomorrow’s as well and share joy. Sometimes I think my positivity is delusional thinking like me thinking my ex is kind and cares . It is wanting to think the best versus truth. Sometimes I feel like when I worry if is selfish because I could be spending energy in other ways I don’t know how to explain it..

    Best wishes,

    Zeeza

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Zeeza.
    #385040
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Mango and I had a full night’s sleep and he seems more comfy here now at night.

    Hope you have a wonderful day

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

    #385042
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Good to read that Mango and you had a full night’s sleep!

    Sometimes I think my positivity is delusional thinking like me thinking my ex is kind and cares . It is wanting to think the best versus truth“- sounds like it, in regard to your ex. He is a bully, seems to me. Here is an online definition of a bully: “a person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidate those whom they perceive as vulnerable“-

    – Doesn’t he fit this definition?

    anita

    #385109
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes I think he is a bully disguising it as humor. One of my coworkers feels like a bully too because I ask a question about being confused and he answered with exclamation points.

    I tried to let it roll off my back and no take it personal but it still shook up my stress response. Hopefully it is all good.

    I hope you have the best day Anita!

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

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