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  • #388681
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I re-read what you shared about your new, 2 months-old relationship with this man:

    1) First you shared that he is 10 years older than you (“he is 10 years older than me“). Later you shared that he is 16 years older than you (“future hubby is 16 years older than me“). I wonder if at first he told you that he is 10 years older.. and later you found out that he is older than that? I wonder if he really is 16 years older than you or maybe even older. I wonder if you saw his driver’s license or any official paper indicating his age.

    2) He told you repeatedly that he doesn’t want to join you driving from California up to Seattle because he is afraid of Covid (“I am going to Seattle next week and he almost wanted to come with but decided it wasn’t safe.. He is very Covid precautious which is why he doesn’t want to make the trek to Seattle with me… He is very Covid precautious which is why he doesn’t want to make the trek to Seattle with me“). It sounds like an excuse to me, a lie, that is. He can be safe in Seattle, vaccinated, wearing a mask, keeping socially distant.. and let’s say that he is afraid of entering an enclosed space in Seattle, he can wait for you outside.

    3) Reads like he is very content to be living rent free in his parents’ fancy house (“It is a very big fancy house.. his parents cleared out another extra room for an office set up in addition to the bedroom bathroom he has“), and that he is very unwilling to spend money on you/ on his new relationship with you, and that he doesn’t want to spend money on renting any kind of place with you. So, for you to live with him part-time, you will have to pay all the rent on a place. That would be convenient for him and unwise for you.

    4) You shared Nov 2: “we took things slowly for a month and now it’s been two months“- calling him your “future hubby” so soon, especially since he didn’t ask you to marry him (at least not seriously), is not taking things slowly, if I may say so.

    5) “He is s programmer.. so kind respectful and smart” and selfish, is he not?: “Instead of getting a place he wants to keep traveling but he already has an address that’s free and I don’t have that luxury… we were looking into different power options for living on the road such as different batteries to charge and solar panel options…his parents house..  is a very big fancy house.. he stays.. it saves a lot of money.. I stressed myself too much looking to rent a place near his parents house it’s all way too expensive… It I don’t want to have to jump through a million hoops to be with him“- reads like he is greatly motivated to continue saving money by living in his parents’ house, and that his motivation with you is to take time off living part-time on the road, and then back to the fancy house available to him rent-free. Reads like he likes the idea  of having a no-cost girlfriend who will jump through a million hoops and pay for the.. privilege to be his girlfriend.

    6) “He took a break from drinking but the other night he drank too much it made him sick the next day… Friday night when my bf was drunk.. He then said everything I am saying is bullshit and I started crying.. He..  then said to shut the f*** up… When he was sober the next day and finally slept enough we talked.. We leave and my speedometer stopped working and so did my ability to speed up.. My boyfriend said that I will be alright and I said no you will be alright you have things that work and a solid place to live I don’t. He does t care go look for a place with me it is a waste of money to him which is fine“- (1) I don’t see how it is fine that your “future hubby” does not want to invest in living with you, (2) Alcohol is not an excuse for him being mean to you. Some people are all about love when drinking. Being drunk is bad no matter what, but a mean drunk is way worse than a loving drunk.

    7) “I don’t know how to trust our safe space is still there or that he is there for me too not just for himself or if he does respect me… it is like grieving what I thought the relationship could be right before I leave tomorrow…. He shouldn’t of screamed at me“-unless I was wrong about what I wrote to you so far, unless I misunderstood.. better you resolve your business in Seattle,  move to Portland and forget about this selfish, self-serving man.

    anita

     

    #388692
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How are you and the storm? I have been nervous to make the trek with all the flooding and winds going on now and I am not sure when it is going to clear up.

    1) Yes it is 16 years and yes I have seen the ID I think in my head I just made it 10 years because I am close to 30 and he is early 40s so that is my summary error. I wish we were closer in age.

    2) He is afraid to get vaccinated. He never really completely got out of lock down mode. He wears a mask around his friends. He orders everything deliver and getting him inspired to leave the house is hard. It was a last minute choice to go to the farm.

    3) He did offer for me to stay with his parents but there is no room for stuff and I don’t feel comfortable going in the house too much. His mom said to me that I am welcomed in their home. His mom is on steroid medication which makes her become agitated and upset easily. So he takes care of the issues that bother her, like replotting plants, disinfecting groceries. On the way back Sunday he suddenly thought of friends who have extra rooms I could rent. And when I told him about this place I wanted to look at he was like that is 400 a month (if we split it) and said that was good. But he only wants monthly leases he doesn’t want to get stuck.

    4) I think we were taking things slowly but then the distance we have made it so we have to visit to see each other and while i am visiting I Feel like we do not have enough independent space. So last night I made my own space with music in the van. He came to join me to pass out. I told him how I don’t feel loved because how can you scream at people you love and respect? he went silent I started crying and playing more music t hen he popped back up and said I do love you.

    5) I think he is selfish and he admits to me how he is a pirate. He calls for refunds all the time or if any service is not perfect he will call to get a discount or a refund. He is obsessed with cryptocurrency or bitcoin and spends a lot of money investing in that.

    6) You are right my dad was never mean when he was drunk and even if he was stressed from his parents and feeling trapped and my van breaking he had no right to yell down at me because it wouldn’t work actually found out it might be my alternator that killed my battery instead of me charging things because my battery was so new.

    7) He has told me stories about how another relationship didn’t work out when they lived together or that he has a track record of things not working out. I didn’t think it was because of his temper but because of his spontaneous adventurous nature it is hard to make plans.

    Yes I agree it should be equal. He thinks it is okay for us to stay here but I want my own space. The cob place in a town called Sebastapol. It looks rural and sweet. At least in portand I would be close to friends. I do have friends scattered in Cali but really only benefit to get that cob house is to either enjoy better weather and be closer with him. And my housing shouldn’t depend on him. especially since he is wishy washy with what he wants to do I hate talking about it because it just feels like pressure.

    Over the past week we aren’t as affectionate or really just starting to feel like I am in the background. He said he is sorry for being an ass and he feels bad for yelling at me and that he is glad we made it through the weekend. I said I am glad we didn’t end over 10 minutes of anger but I am having a trickle down residual effects in my subconscious where it is hard to believe you love me. No he did not ask me to marry him. Saturday night he said he wished on 3 shooting stars and one wish came true he got to snuggle next me to sleep. I have met most all of his friends and his immediate family. He hasn’t been in a relationship in 3 years. So I don’t know what scars he carries but

    If I try to clarify something like I asked him if he wanted to go to the smoke shop with me he said yes. Then around 5pm, 20 min later when I was ready and done with work he said no. Now it is rush hour he says and too many people are out too covid unsafe. So I tried to ask when is the ideal time if we leave at 7 will be good? and trying to understand he is like I hate talking in circles I don’t want to go please just leave it. So I went by myself and he talked with friends all night. Then I went to my van and listened to music.

    I wish I could leave today I guess 2 people are looking at the Seattle apartment Thursday. Thank you for talking with me about it Anita. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with my friends because they all love him. and it feels weird. Yesterday I was out of clean socks and he lent me a pair and he fixed my broken goat horns I liked wearing without me asking. He also ordered me a a battery charger for the starcraft van. So it is like he is kind and thoughtful one moment and then I am like a burden seems like or talks to his friends I am open any time when I asked him if he wanted to see the cob place with me and he acted interested relieved almost to not be at his parents place. He started to keep asking me if the cob house got back to me.

    My theory is that he is so use to a narrative of the world trying to pull one over on him that he has an excuse to say and do however. I don’t know but I gave up trying to talk with him about it since during the day he is so busy and just kind of hears me. like “oh yeah” and then in the evening he wants to talk to friends. And then by the end of the night he is not sober enough to focus.

    I really do hope you are safe Anita I will let you know when I make my way back.

    Zeeza

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Zeeza.
    #388701
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I live on an elevated area, so not in danger of flooding, although mud slides can be a problem. Areas very close to me, on lower elevation, were under evacuation orders, a few horses soaked in water needed to be rescued. Right now the sun is out, I am not detecting any wind, so it feels better for now. Be careful, wherever you are: make sure to find out ahead of time the shape of any road that you are considering taking.

    You shared in your recent post that you are close to 30, he is 16 years older than you, so about 45. He is afraid to get vaccinated, wears a mask around his friends, orders everything to be delivered to him, hardly leaves his parents’ house, and overall, he is still in a lock down mode. Also, he and his mother offered for you to stay in his parents’ house, but you don’t feel comfortable staying there. He thought about you renting a room in friends’ homes that have extra rooms, and expressed a willingness to split an $800 a month rent with you elsewhere, as long as it’s a monthly lease, because “he doesn’t want to get stuck“. He “is wishy washy with what he wants to do” , and “he is selfish“,  calling “for refunds all the time or if any service is not perfect“, etc. He yelled at you when drunk, apologized to you for “being an ass“, and told you “that he has a track record of things not working out” in relationships with women, last was 3 years ago.

    Yesterday I was out of clean socks and he lent me a pair“- as much as I appreciate clean socks, I am not giving him much credit for letting you use his socks. I mean, that’s nice, I suppose, but you have much greater needs in life than clean, used socks, for crying out loud! You need a man who has more courage than he does, a man who is not wishy washy, a man who is not an ass, a man who listen and never yells at you. You need a man who will help you in life, not one who will hinder you.

    My theory is that he is so use to a narrative of the world trying to pull one over on him that he has an excuse to say and do however“- (1) What did he say and do to people who he believes are trying to pull one over on him (other than getting refunds)? (2) Did he already express to you that you are one of the people trying to pull one over on him?

    anita

    #388719
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Good morning Anita,

    made it to the middle of Oregon only 3.5 more hours to go. Letting van warm up because it seems icy. When I turned my wheels go back up to get gas it made.  Crunchy sound so I wonder if dirt or ice got up there or both and hoping some heat will let it loosen before getting on free way. Will post more soon glad you are safe 🙂

    #388720
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    The middle of Oregon, 3.5 hours to go, how exciting! I hope you and your van will make it all the way up to Seattle safely, at about noon time. I am  looking forward to an update from you!

    anita

    #388746
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I hope you arrived to Seattle safely..?

    anita

    #388828
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I made it safely. It became so focused on setting up some it equipment for him to cancel doing it because of a vaccine convo with friends. Basically digitally meeting my friends isn’t possible because of strong different opinions.

    the topic of to be of not be vaccinated seems sensitive. I am and trusting it is safe while others do not trust and it backfired to even try to have a discussion about it. I am sorry for the delayed response. I just wish to create safe spaces as people cope with trauma. And I think the more we force things the stronger resistance becomes.

    I hope you are well Anita?

    #388829
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes that was the first time he ever really showed anger even when other stressful situations were happening he was more solution focused. And he does give a lot of care to look out for his friends family and me on specific things like he did check so many things in my van before I left to makes sure it’s all good. And I think we are learning how to integrate set boundaries of time while keeping hobbies friends and it’s kind of hard if you work and live in same place to be quality. We all need independent space. And I think we didn’t have much of it and this time is good and we are also still in the first year to learn how to connect while maintaining parts of yourself.

    I feel like he trusts me a lot and shares things deeply with me but that is why I think he is so defensive against the world and looking out for himself is that trauma response of survival mode. So he has huge moments of courage and we all do sometimes. It’s hard to be brave all the time alone friends help.

    #388832
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I am too tired to focus much on what you posted less than an hour ago, but I am so glad to read that you made the long drive safely, what a relief! I was worried that your van broke down on the way up here. The flooding situation is so much better, it hasn’t rained for a few days, and that’s a very good thing. I will be back to you Friday morning, in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #388860
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Again, I am glad that you made it safely! According to your recent post, you have hope for the relationship with him, and you appreciate him and feel connected to him.

    You shared earlier that he is very careful about not getting infected with Covid, and that he is not vaccinated, and you wrote in your recent post: “the topic of to be of not be vaccinated seems sensitive. I am and trusting it is safe while others do not trust and it backfired to even try to have a discussion about it“- what does he and his friends say about vaccines in general and covid vaccines in particular?

    anita

    #388965
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    my head hurts from crying so much yesterday it’s been hard to dig dee to be vulnerable. I tried packing up stuff so I can get out of Seattle one of my girl friends offered me a room to rent in Cali. But he calls me to tell me he doesn’t want to live together and that he can only say so much to help. I’m like finally being straight up honest helps feels like a break up even though he says it isn’t he is just scared.

    I think I have already cried to much over this relationship. He is considering a vaccine now Johnson and Johnson but it’s like some peoples fear of Covid got transferred to fear of vaccine. And then my friends don’t even want to talk to anyone who is anti vaccine unless they can convince them.

    now I am honestly thinking of staying in Seattle for a month to do art holidays are such a hard time and I don’t want to move all my stuff to some beautiful place and then get broken up with or something. I don’t want to feel like I am in someone’s way when I ask to be closer.

    I definitely still have a hard time being in this apartment though. At least no one broke in while I was gone so it is somewhat safe? I hope you are well Anita?

    zeeza

    #388967
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I am fine, thank you, considering the crazy times we are living in. I guess times were always crazy, just not this particular kind of Crazy: Covid since March 2020 (in the U.S.), Escalated weather extremes and wild fires since summer of 2020, as I remember it (Global Warming/ Climate Change), and Extreme politics, distrust in the government and in democracy and social division.

    It is good news that no one broke up into your apartment in Seattle; it’s not as unsafe as you thought it was, perhaps. As far as the “future hubby”- he is too scared to be anyone’s hubby: scared of Covid, scared of vaccines, scared of living with you. I think that he is also scared of spending any significant amount of money that he doesn’t have to spend, such as paying rent while he can live rent-free at his parents’ house. I see no point for you to hope that he stops being scared because his fear seems strong and persistent, extending to all practical areas of his life. Do you agree?

    anita

    #388984
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I agree he is fearful and yet at times so brave but mostly in that fear too. I met him when he was being brave. And sometimes he peaks with courage. It definitely is scary times. He was worried he pushed me away but it’s trust like he says he wants to fal aweee next to me every night and then while I am moving he tells me he doesn’t want to live with me. And then says I hope I didn’t push the away and was worried I finally did stop crying and stopped taking to him for a bit. He does have a point though it may be too soon to move in and that was how he phrased it to me that rushed anything or anything out of convenience with a partner doesn’t go well. I was hurt when he said convenience for me to live with him because I could go to so many other places. I don’t think he is afraid to spend money he just wants enough to gamble his bits on future technology. I have a  girl friends room I am going to most stuff is packed. I have known her for 7 years and we have fun. It’s 2 hours away from future hubby. I think me calling him that sets me up for disappointment. I also am starting to think he drinks too much so I can’t trust him to remember to do what he say he will or cal him when I am scared. His intention would to be there.
    I like helping people feel safe because I know what it is like to be scared but I wonder why am I not scared? I feel like after al I have gone through I am surprised I can keep trusting.

    #388988
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I want to take a walk down history lane before I respond to your recent post of November 23, 2021. Please have patience with this longer post, as it took me some time to put it together.

    Your first post was more than 4 years ago, on September 28, 2017. You were 24 at the time. You wrote this about love: “love is a long-lasting security and commitment, not the rush of chemicals it feels to meet someone lovely. I wanted to believe in love at first site, and that love was all I needed to feel hopeful. I am starting to think I have addiction to codependency“-

    – you defined Love very well, “a long-lasting security and commitment”- security in the relationship, that is, trusting your boyfriend to be there for you. You also mentioned your “addiction to codependency”. Codependency in a romantic context means excessive emotional reliance on a boyfriend, and codependent behaviors include lots of self-sacrifice for the relationship, a focus on his needs while neglecting your own, and trying hard to fix his problems. Remember your codependency in regard to your current boyfriend. (I’ll refer to him as FT, standing for Future Technology, because it seems he values FT more than he values his relationship with you, and because “calling him (future hubby) sets me up for disappointment”, you wrote yesterday.

    Here is an expression of your codependency in your relationship with FT: “I don’t want to have to jump through a million hoops to be with him while he is investing in anything and everything like it is a lottery“, Nov 11, 2021.

    More walking down history lane: on March 20, 2018, you posted this: “I wrote out commitments I have made to myself so when my motivation to live dwindles I have strength to fall back on… 1) I commit myself to always having hope, to allow myself to breathe deeply to feel space expanding around me and connect my mind to beautiful imagery and soft music to remind my brain I can have positive emotions and to keep hope.

    2) I commit myself to build a life worth living so I can never feel worthless. I see this as a commitment to be practice gratitude, and share empathy with others and myself. A life worth living is full of connection with others and myself. The ability to trust. The ability to be resilient to accept life. To be able to empower myself to make decisions and set healthy boundaries. The ability to be curious and learn without the fear of not being good enough. To maintain the mindset that trying is doing and learning is from..  play“- remember these, ground yourself in these commitments.

    Fast forward 3 years and 8 months to yesterday, you wrote about FT: “I agree he is fearful and yet at times so brave but mostly in that fear too. I met him when he was being brave. And sometimes he peaks with courage“- Everyone is Afraid. We are all afraid of pain and sickness and death, and in addition to these fears, different people are afraid of different things: some are afraid of spiders, others are not afraid of spiders. FT is not afraid to gamble on future technology but he is afraid of Covid vaccines (particularly the new type of vaccines, the mRNA vaccines). On the other hand, maybe you’d be afraid to gamble on future technology, but you are not afraid of Covid vaccines.

    Seems to me that he is he afraid of relationships. Maybe at 44-years-old, none of his past relationships worked out because of this fear (“He has told me stories about how another relationship didn’t work out when they lived together or that he has a track record of things not working out“, Nov 16). Most recently, he told you that “<b>he doesn’t want to live together…  he says.. he is just scared</b>”, Nov 23. So, the question is: what are the chances that as he progresses toward his 50s, he will no longer be afraid to live together with you and have a relationship with you as a life partner?

    You wrote about FT: “he drinks too much so I can’t trust him to remember to do what he says he will (do) or (be there for me when I) call him when I am scared… I know what it is like to be scared”– you are scared, that’s why you want him to be there for you when you are scared. You need him there for you when you are scared. But when he drinks, and he drinks daily, if I understand correctly, he is not there for you, is he?

    but I wonder why am I not scared?”- do you mean that you wonder why you are not scared of moving in with him, being in a lifetime relationship with him?

    I feel like after all I have gone through, I am surprised I can keep trusting”– can you tell me what it is that you keep trusting in regard to FT?

    anita

    #388991
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    This is such a thoughtful reply thank you for taking the time and help me sink into my own words of promises and wisdom.

    yes I think me jumping through al of these hops to be closer is a bit intense so I keep asking myself do I really want to move even if he was out of the picture? I think more likely I’d move near Portland if he was. Like I wouldn’t be as excited and brave for California. But now that I do have my friends room it does feel safer because I have an emergency contact.  But this would be my last day in Seattle I just have a few more things to grab and part of me this to stay. It is the getting rid of my furniture that makes me nervous. I am taking one art desk. And I did find a furnished room for rent same price as my studio that has it’s own entrance and private bathroom so that might be a good option for me too.

    when I think of codependency , long term security. I think it is my trying so hard to have long term security when it isn’t there. Like an anxiety. I like how you changed it to future technology instead of future hubby. That does help because I have been trying to imagine how will I live my life without him in the picture.

    he is cutie technology but he trusts me with this equipment and if I had a place in Portland that I moved to he said he would split the profits with me or any friends house that could host it. He is making me a part of the journey and trusting me with this stuff at least. He lived with someone for 10 years and then she left him for someone else. And so he is still sore on that from 3 years ago.

    as I wrote he drinks too much so I can’t trust him to be there he did call after I sent to say goodnight and was present but half awake. I was honestly surprised he remembered to call and yeah that was nice even when he is drunk. My dad would of forgotten.

    keep trusting in regards to opening my heart and hoping I won’t be abandoned that this time I will have homebase to celebrate life with .

    I want to reread and let what you posted sink in more so I can shuffle through any self denial I am having or just yeah I think it would be codependency if I just moved in with him right now.  But instead I am imaging choices without him in the picture. And he is saying he just doesn’t want to rush things.

    I honestly try to stop thinking on it because then I will just be looking for signs of he is or isn’t trustworthy and it stresses me out. So I cried so much because I was grieving the codependent aspect of my reliance on him. And then I said to myself I have been through way worse and put my make up on and kept moving stuff. I think staying here for another month would make me more depressed. Change is good and I trust myself to be ok wherever I go.

    best wishes

    zeeza

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