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  • #388997
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    You are very welcome. I think that it’s a good idea for you to move out of Seattle, nothing to do with FT: you can still work remotely, so no job loss; Seattle is very expensive, so I figure you can live more comfortably elsewhere, in a way less expensive location, and like you wrote in the last sentence of your most recent post, and I agree: “Change is good and I trust myself to be ok wherever I go“!

    Safe travels south, and please do post again with any new development you’d like to tell me about!

    anita

    #389016
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Happy Thamksgiving! I am so grateful you are in my life and thank you for sharing jewlingvwosdpm over the years. It makes me feel so seen and heard because you really try to understand and listen when I share things that I hardly share with anyone. Helping me connect to my inner child and understand how to look out for myself. I wish I could also contribute and I am sorry for not responding for long lengths at w time be ause I appreciate you. I hope your walls are still lovely and I am glad we got through his wild pandemic times.

    Yesterday I got my enhanced drivers license so I can now go to Mexico or Canada in my van. I. So close to finishing up this Seattle Moe and once I do I can go to Thanksgiving with friends and where sir Harry is.

    Yesterday I also had a weird flashback of amvex punching me in the stomach after we moved across the country together. I was having a lot of emotional flashbacks while packing and it does feel good to let go of stuff tied to that. It was my suitcase that I put all my clothes in that set me off. It was the same suitcase I used when I moved from the East coast to the West and if still had the baggage claim ticket on it.

    When I told future technology ( I actually told him I will call him this instead to put less stress and I’m future art intuition that heals trauma with lionheated courage) I was crying again feeling broken hearted he was trying to understand. He askede if I am normally like this, of it was the move or holidays, or if he did something that hurt me? And I told him he didn’t hurt me my memories and moving and holidays. But it makes sense that I would feel like he metaphorically punched me as I was moving like my ex did because I thought he was rejecting me. But he was just trying not to rush things. I have been relying on him less and calling other friends when I get dark. I don feel anxious anger about what he is or is not doing anymore. Bit when I had these flashbacks I felt suicidal. I told future technology if this was daily I woild go back to therapy.

    I found some old notes to myself like the pens you shared with me about how I want to build a life worth living. I am becoming pre aware when dark voices are running the show and when I am being gentle with myself.

    I also stopped by my lab yesterday and said hi to everyone and picked up my standing desk. It’s huge lol. Bigger than I thought but still fits in my van. They offered me pizza and I brought soil fr another farm to test for pesticides. It was nostalgic and everyone missed me and we shared more inside jokes and my ex was not there it is his day off so phew. I can’t believe 6 months or so ago? I had both injured hands and now it is better. I was so angry wheny hands hurt because I felt powerless but I am not powerless even when I have emotional flashbacks of that shame.

    I shared a room I applied to rent to future technology and he was like they only accept vaccinated people? And I’m like it’s for me silly be ause I thought you didn’t want to stay with me. But I realize he would want to at least visit. I didn’t get the room. Bit he told me I have plenty of options in addition to my girls place he also has a buddy with a big house with an extra room.

    Rent is really cheap in Mexico and it looks pretty I have a couple of friends who might go there and that was what future technology was trying to adventure with me originally. To not get a place to rent in US but adventure to Mexico.

    It’s really sweet because his camper fits my van so well f4om the 90s era when we connected ours we called it getting hitched lol but my hotch was a little low so yesterday he sent me a picture of a new proper hitch. It’s like putting roots down. And when we had that fight over my van battery dying he sent/bought a van battery charger to my friends in Portland to look out for me.

    My other friend and I were talking about checking out slab city. Have you heard of it? Seems like a movie place and not real.

    Well I have the closest parking spot possible Le in downtown Seattle to finish moving stuff so lucky! And clesning. I am worried the place e won’t be rented by December be ause the landlord lady is on vacation until the 3rd. I still don’t think I will stay in Seattle even if I do have the apartment for another month. It’s just to automatically have your own place for everything.

    Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Sending infinite love and hope your heart is filled with peace on this day.

    Best wishes

    Zeeza

    #389019
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Happy Thanksgiving to you, your friends and Sir Harry- the people & cat with whom you will be spending the holiday with!

    I appreciate your appreciation and kind words, and in the spirit of Thanks-giving: I give Thanks to you, Zeeza! My life is better because you are (virtually) in it!

    Regarding staying in Mexico and anywhere else: make sure that where you travel and where you park your van are safe places!!!

    It is nice to read about you saying goodbye to your coworkers at the lab and to all of Seattle, and that you found a close parking spot as you are moving out of your Seattle apartment, closing this chapter in your life. It is not surprising that you are particularly anxious during this time of transition (who wouldn’t be), so give yourself time and be patient. And post again whenever you want to, and whenever it is convenient for you to do so. I will be glad to read from you whenever you post.

    anita

    #389077
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    I am back at my Seattle apartment. All I could think was this morning that I need to get my keys back. I feel suicidal thoughts about crashing my van and I thought no I need solid place to live and not uproot myself. So I got my place back. I think it is good tovoe when you have a place already lined up. My friend that had a room thought I was just staying for a week. I waited 2 hours for him to call me back on Thanksgiving last ight and he couldn’t text me until midnight. And my friend’s that tried to share Thanksgiving with me had couple things to do so I hung out outside the house and I accidentally got locked out. I had to sleep iny van and it was so cold and I had to move stuff to just make the smallest place to sleep and I felt too dark. I felt homelessness physically and emotionally. I told FT I was feeling so dark and maybe we should go no contact for the next onth so I can heal (not feel unloved over holidays by trying to trust). And also to protect him because I am so suspicious and untrusting.

    It is nice to have a place to live anywhere. I don’t want to rely on anyone for housing ever. Even friends have good intentions but stuff comes up.

    Harry is my home and I feel like if I move too far I can’t come with.

    I don’t know why he acts like I imagined it in my head that he wanted to live with me.  It he says sorry you got confused.

    Zeeza

    #389078
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I am not focused now and will be back to you in the morning, I didn’t get it, from first reading: is the plan to live in CA or in OR cancelled?

    anita

    #389083
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Reading your last night post, I understand that (1) You believed that a friend of yours offered you to rent a room in her home in California, but either you misunderstood her, or she changed her mind, and told you most recently that she expected you to stay in her home for only 1 week,

    (2) You hoped that the man you referred to before as your future hubby wanted to live with you, or would want to live with you as a couple (hubby and wifey), but he doesn’t want to live with you.

    (3) You’ve been grinding your teeth at night, having PTSD flashbacks and suicidal thoughts lately: lots of crying and distress. Two nights ago, Thanksgiving night, you were locked outside of a friend’s place and slept in your van, in the dark and cold, feeling homeless.

    (4) You decided to move back in to your small apartment in Seattle and live there with your cat, Sir Harry.

    I went back to see when and how you met this man. The first time you mentioned him was this month, November 2. You wrote on that day: “on my adventure I met someone new to date who is very kind. So kind, my friends met him before me and he became a part of the friend group before I met him. And we took things slowly for a month and now it’s been two months. I am currently trying to figure out how we could integrate our lives… my new future hubby“- so you met him as part of a friend-group at about the beginning of September this year, 2021, not yet 3 months ago.

    Soon after meeting him, you wanted to relocate from Washington to California, where he lives with his parents in a fancy, expensive house, and rent a place nearby. The first place you thought of renting was the place you referred to as “the cob cottage”. Your hope was that after you rent it, he will move there with you and that the two of you will live together. He said some things and expressed certain emotions that led you to believe that he wants you to live near him in California, and that maybe he will live with you in a rented place, just the two of you:

    He also seemed excited about the cob cottage that we could have people visit us outside like a bonfire and covid distant… If I did rent it, he said he would want to spend half time there and here“(Nov 11), “On the way back Sunday, he suddenly thought of friends who have extra rooms I could rent. And when I told him about this place, I wanted to look at he was like that is 400 a month (if we split it) and said that was good… I asked him if he wanted to see the cob place with me and he acted interested relieved almost to not be at his parents’ place. He started to keep asking me if the cob house got back to me”(Nov 16). “he says he wants to fall asleep next to me every night” (Nov 23)

    On the other hand, he said some things and expressed certain emotions that indicated his misgivings and later, straight out rejection of the idea of living with you: “He does t care go look for a place with me it is a waste of money to him (Nov 15), “But he only wants monthly leases he doesn’t want to get stuck…  He has told me stories about how another relationship didn’t work out when they lived together or that he has a track record of things not working out…  he is wishy washy with what he wants to do I hate talking about it because it just feels like pressure (Nov 16), “one of my girlfriends offered me a room to rent in Cali. But he calls me to tell me he doesn’t want to live together…while I am moving, he tells me he doesn’t want to live with me” (Nov 23).

    When I feel discouraged and hopeless, I think to myself: what can I learn today from the situation I am in? What do I need to accept as something I cannot change, and what can I change so to make my situation better? If you look back at your relationship with this man, and review the boldfaced quotes above, what can you learn?

    anita

    #389088
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I hope to read from you soon, I am worried, wanting to know that you are okay.

    anita

    #389155
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    (1) yes my friend thought I would stay for the week and she also offered her moms extra room and she likes company and to meet one of her friends who has done van life for years. and I could of chilled near portland until I found a place. But the stress of not having keys to the next place, not knowing how long it will take to find my own place, and putting myself in the trust in others for safety of my needs scared me. I was also scared that what if I had covid but no place to live yet? I would be in my van with all my stuff like that? I am going to try to spend the day tomorrow remaking home and being with sources of happy without him.

    (2) yes

    (3) I have been feeling angry at any positive thoughts I try to tell myself like, I am growing, it is good to be kind to myself, I would just feel angry today.

    (4) yes I didn’t bring harry back with me yet. Hopefully can pick him up Monday.

    I am okay Thank you for being there. I feel a lot safer being back in this apartment which is odd because I use to be so scared being here. I was very tense earlier today I held my body too tightly and my hand is hurting again. But I ate food and I walked to my van to get shower stuff so I can take a shower before bed. When I got back to my apartment my bed was still set up and my tp and soap in the bathroom so it feels like I didn’t leave really even though most stuff is still in the van. I cried a lot today but I talked to a friend for a few hours on the phone and work was really busy so I stayed focused. I told FT to not talk to me until Monday please and successful so far.

    I realized my fear of being homeless or feeling homeless is an old wound and his back and forth triggered negative inner voice in me by looking for signs of how I don’t belong or signs of not being loved. This anxiety of when will he talk to me, trying to measure his love for me or something constantly stressed me out. I told him I don’t want to text anymore just call me. And then. I said to him I don’t want to talk for at least two days so I can take care of my mental health. I realized maybe he doesn’t want to talk to me as much as I want to talk with him or why I want to live with him and he doesn’t is because his life is already great the way it is. He is family and friends and safety. And I need that too like harry, art, my friends.

    But what I realized today why I was so confused was because there are two version of him. The sober one and the drunk one. The drunk version wants to live with me and the sober version wants to move the relationship very slowly. So that explains why I Feel like I have an emotional whiplash and he doesn’t remember.

    I am going to focus on a self care routine of food, exercise like stretching, harry, and talking with friends. I think I need to hibernate and I don’t trust myself to drive long distances. I don’t feel impulsively dark like I did the other day but I feel like I need to stay here to keep safety.

    I had a friend who would come by tomorrow who wants to help move the heavy things again. I need to pick up my prescription. I lost the bottle yesterday and it just auto renewed in Cali so I will transfer it near my friend when I go to pick him up.

    I will write again in the morning if that is okay. I find that I have the most heartpain anxiety panic when I first wake up but now that i am not starting my day worrying about my relationship maybe I can become more of myself again.

    I am sorry to cause worry I promise I commit to being well and sharing safe spaces.

    Zeeza

    #389157
    Zeeza
    Participant

    “Love is supporting another person’s path to happiness, even if it means they are on a different path than you.” this quote makes me sad. I have a strong fear of abandonment. Why can’t I be happiness? be enough where partner would want to stay on the path with me? I worry if I am emotionally abusive because I am clingy and insecure. I don’t blame but what I say is this interpretations of this situation is causing me to feel xyz.

    I felt hurt one time when in mid conversation he answers his phone as I am talking. And I tell him to please let me know when he is going to want to pause a convo and he said I am telling you now. I was upset because I was opening up emotionally about something and felt shut down. So I went to my van to calm down because I was crying. He texted me that I am sure these guys need my help more than you. I am confident you are fine. I never said I wasn’t I just wanted space to calm down and for him to tell me when conversations end midconvo. Now the equivalent is when he calls me and then immediately another important call comes in and he will call me back and then another call again. His friends come first. Which makes sense but am I being sensitive not feeling prioritized and he need space to see his friends?  That is why I worry what if I am abusive because I am so clingy and

    I feel like I am abusive to myself in my mind. Just not kind thoughts like I don’t care if I walk the streets and get hurt. That I am annoying. That people pretend to care because they feel bad for me.

    I tried looking up and redefining what respect is. Because if there is respect there is noo abuse. I don’t know why this is so confusing for me.

    Respect is listening without judgement (trying to correct a certain way) , appreciation, trust. I feel like it is really hard to trust. So does that mean it is unhealthy to be my friend?

    #389158
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    So good to read from you, so good to see that you are feeling so much better being in your apartment again (your writing, spelling and grammar, is calmer than it was)! Earlier, I thought that moving to Portland or California will be okay for you because you can work from wherever you live, and because rents can be less elsewhere. But now, I understand how much the possibility of homelessness scares and distresses you, how much stability and routine are important to you, how important it is for you to have your own place, to have the keys to your own place, and therefore, to know where you will be sleeping at the end of the day. It is very important for you to have this kind of control over your life, instead of depending on other people for your basic needs.

    It’s a good thing that you talked to a friend for a few hours on the phone yesterday- this is one of your basic needs: a supportive emotional connection with others.

    Overall, FT took away from your mental health, and so far, he is not a positive in your life but a Negative. You said it yourself: “This anxiety of when will he talk to me, trying to measure his love for me or something constantly stressed me out“- being constantly stressed out… is a definite Negative!

    I want to live with him and he doesn’t is because his life is already great the way it is. He has family and friends and safety“- he cares a lot about Money, and he doesn’t pay rent living with his parents, in their expensive, comfortable house. For someone who wants to get rich (you shared that about him), not paying rent is a HUGE advantage, so even if his mother stresses him out and he is not that happy living there, he will keep living there, and he will not rent a place so to live with you. Plus, he is still in the Covid lockdown state of mind and that means that he is even more inclined to stay put in his parents’ house, especially when it is all over the news that the new Covid variant from South Africa, Omicron, is about to be detected in the U.S. any day now.

    I was so confused… because there are two version of him. The sober one and the drunk one. The drunk version wants to live with me and the sober version wants to move the relationship very slowly“- Please do not trust the drunk version! His sober version is not entirely trustworthy either because when he says that he “wants to move the relationship very slowly”, it doesn’t mean that he intends to move out of his parents’ house one day and live with you. It means that he wants more time with you as a girlfriend while living with his parents and not thinking about a future with you.

    I am going to focus on a self-care routine of food, exercise like stretching, Harry, and talking with friends“-excellent plan, just what you need!

    I think I need to hibernate and I don’t trust myself to drive long distances… I need to stay here to keep safety“- another excellent plan!

    Now that I am not starting my day worrying about my relationship maybe I can become more of myself again“-like I said, this relationship overall, has been and is a Negative for you.

    Why can’t I…  be enough where partner would want to stay on the path with me?“- frankly, you give men the term “partners” when they don’t deserve that term. FT is just a guy you met while traveling three months ago. That he took care of the mechanics of your van for a while and let you use his clean socks does not make him a partner!

    I worry if I am emotionally abusive because I am clingy and insecure… I felt hurt one time when in mid conversation he answers his phone as I am talking… I was opening up emotionally about something and felt shut down… I was crying… when he calls me and then immediately another important call comes in and he will call me back and then another call again. His friends come first. Which makes sense“- BUT if he was your partner, it wouldn’t have made sense that his friends come first. If he was your partner- you would come first!!!

    But am I being sensitive not feeling prioritized and he need space to see his friends?  That is why I worry what if I am abusive because I am so clingy“- being sensitive and clingy is not equal to being abusive!

    Thoughts like… I am annoying. That people pretend to care because they feel bad for me“- I don’t think of you as annoying, and I don’t feel sorry for you as if you were a lost case of some sort. Instead, I think of you as resourceful, resilient and inspiring!

    I tried looking up and redefining what respect is“- when you shared with FT about your deep feelings, and his phone rang, and he took the call while you were speaking, without saying anything- that’s disrespectful. When he put you on hold every time a friend called- that’s disrespectful. Disrespect is a milder form of Abuse, but it is on the same spectrum as abuse.

    Respect is listening without judgement (trying to correct a certain way), appreciation, trust. I feel like it is really hard to trust. So, does that mean it is unhealthy to be my friend?“- you are not supposed to appreciate and trust every person you meet, and in every way. FT deserves your trust in that he wouldn’t hit you, and he deserves your trust in taking mechanical care of your van when he is around, but he Does Not Deserve your Trust as a Partner! So, figure out what he is to you (a casual friend, sounds to me like what he is).

    anita

    #389168
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    there is more than just helping me with my van we went on a lot of adventures and I met a lot of people and got close to friends in his life too like our worlds blended.

    You are 2nd person to say this is not good like not a relationship to continue. But I really don’t want to end things. I just don’t want to move right now and take care of myself because I really need a better self care routine. Instead I want to try setting out boundaries communicating my rules of I will leave when:

    promise to never yell at me (unless I need to know about an oncoming emergency)

    promise to prioritize me which means not stopping our conversation midway because someone else is calling (unless emergency)

    promise to not be so drunk around me where you can’t remember what you say.

    commit to grow and respect each other. Do not need to do any drastic changes like moving in as commitment.

    I am just not ready to give up. It makes me so sad to think of that without at least trying. My hand is really bothering me. My friend said to have him get vaccinated visit me, instead of me making the drive. I don’t think that will happen. Which she replied that is why he is not right for you. I don’t understand why it went from so beautiful and respectful and kind to distant and fearful. I want to go back to trust land. So if I trust myself to have boundaries and communicate them then if it happens again I need to actually sever ties. And my emotions already do that for me by becoming fearful. I just need to buffer myself from self blame of why it would not work. I really wanted out happy ending and it barely started. My friend also said yes once one red flag that means go. I don’t want to let him go. Then my friend said are you afraid of being alone? I already feel alone. I don’t have a hard time finding other relationships. I think I just really wanted to get married to feel like I have a sense of home.

    I haven’t gotten my medication and my friend has not helped me yet. Tuesday will help. I need to shower still. Tomorrow when I talk to him I will share what promises are to keep me, and why I was hurt by an emotional whiplash of what is said versus drunk. And then see how that plays out. But I am taking steps to protect myself by staying here. Also I will no longer ask for us to text each other at all but just call. Whenever I got a text today I would get panicked like is it him what did he say even though I know he never texts me anything mean usually kind, but my brain gave so much power over the text that comes from him. Because I want to hear from him so badly.

    It really was the first 24 hours we had no contact at all since we met. and now 72 hours. It was good to do this at least. Reset internally. I am trying to see clearly but I don’t want to give up I just want to try it differently.

    Thank you Anita! I am trying to be calm. My friends mentioned my grammar seems better too.

    Best wishes,

    zeeza

     

    #389169
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I will read and reply Mon morning.

    anita

    #389175
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    You are welcome.

    There is more than just helping me with my van we went on a lot of adventures and I met a lot of people and got close to friends in his life too like our worlds blended“- question is: can and should this relationship, born while traveling, survive the end of travel (be it if the two of you lived close, or long-distance).

    I really don’t want to end things… Instead, I want to try setting out boundaries communicating my rules, or I will leave when: promise to never yell at me… promise to prioritize me which means not stopping our conversation midway because someone else is calling“- it will take him two seconds to say I promise. I hope that if he promises, that he will keep his Word through days, weeks, months and longer. These two promises shouldn’t be difficult to keep.

    Promise to not be so drunk around me where you can’t remember what you say“- this is a tough one for a person with a drinking problem to promise and to keep: he can’t know (or care to know), while drinking, the moment from which on- he will not remember what he says. Maybe he can promise you to not use his drinking as an excuse (false defense) to what he says, if it is indeed an excuse.

    Commit to grow and respect each other. Do not need to do any drastic changes like moving in as commitment“- what would growing look like/ sound like, how will it become evident? Same with respecting each other (beyond not yelling at you and not taking others’ calls when on the phone with you)?

    My hand is really bothering me“- I have a new hand brace that is helping my hand, it is a CMC Restriction Splint made by Comfort Cool.

    My friend said to have him get vaccinated visit me, instead of me making the drive. I don’t think that will happen. Which she replied that is why he is not right for you“- I second your friend. I would feel humiliated if I drove through two states with an old van that can break anytime, and with limited resources, so to see a man who will not reciprocate such an effort, especially if he has a vehicle that is way more reliable than mine, and more money to fix it, if it breaks. By the way, he can’t get Covid while driving alone in his car, even if it is a long drive!

    I don’t understand why it went from so beautiful and respectful and kind to distant and fearful“- the traveling ended and regular life resumed?

    I really wanted out happy ending… I don’t want to let him go… I just really wanted to get married to feel like I have a sense of home“- this is a beautiful desire: to want to have a sense of home, to be happily or contentedly happy! I imagine it can happen in your life, but I don’t see a reason to reasonable hope that it will happen with him. But if it happens that he drives all the way up through Northern California and Oregon, all the way up to Seattle- just so to see you, I will be impressed and may change my mind.

    One more thing, Zeeza: I wish you had a higher self-esteem and that you believed that you really do deserve a loving, dedicated man in your life, a man who will highly value you!

    anita

    #389196
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I agree I wish I had higher self worth /self esteem. If I imagine if my bf was here I automatically try to improve my quality of life so his is improved too with no resistance. Like more food in the fridge and actually fixing my bed that is indented from planks breaking so it is not comfortable.. I immediately feel like I am allowed to be happy knowing I have value in someone else’s eyes. This is why i don’t like texting. It gives too much power over my mind. When will I get a text back was I boring am I needy. So that was my first boundary today please no texting lets only call each other like old school days.

    I watched videos last night to understand and define abuse more so I know when I am doing it to myself. Most of it was about healing means trusting our reality. That what we feel/think is valid.

    An example of this is work, I really thought I saw a failing result, so I requested a retest. The next day the failing result was gone like it never existed. I doubted myself that maybe I just made it all up. Then the lab director told that this is happening in our new system. It felt like a moment of oh maybe I can trust my perceptions?

    Trust is so hard. I want to trust myself that I will take care and listen. Not continue to torture myself by ruminating and trying to justify or control what I want to feel. As the time passes by and nothing in reality gets accomplished.

    I read that sometimes in relationships we become so attached to the fantasy that doesn’t exist. It is like hoping to grow a garden with someone that is imaginary, so the is no real dirt no real foundation to grow. I think a part of me is hoping for one conversation or one moment to pop up where it confirms that the fantasy is reality. Not just something I was trying to hold onto that I built in my head.

    I am glad you have a new brace that sounds lovely. Thank you for being there Anita

    Zeeza

    #389199
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza: I will read and answer in an hour or so.

    anita

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