Caspers spirit is at the beach I am trying to stay connected to spirit and nature.

Dear Anita,

Thank you my hands are both doing better. I cleaned, installed my standing desk, installed my new metal cart to carry big things like this. It was nice because it took all my focus to put the pieces together. I did laundry and I bleached my hair so I can dye it lavender blue and purple tomorrow. Trying really hard to not let the heart break pain get me to far spiraling by doing things. But I would just lay down and feel the pain and try so hard to  deep breathe to let it release. Such a deep heart pain I don’t understand it was similar to the shocking pain I felt when Casper first passed away. Doing things helped have some moment of the pain lessening so I could breathe peacefully. I talked on the phone for hours with two friends which helped me stop crying and going into rumination of the heart pain. And thank you for being there Anita.

Tomorrow, I hope to continue self care routines and learn how to use my air fryer for the first time. I picked one up and groceries and medication. I really don’t want to escalate my emotions so high I punch things and so I am trying to stay calm. Yesterday before that I gave some homeless people muffins. I want to do that again. and now that I have a metal cart, moving back in will be so much easier and living here in general. I made a new distraction list for tomorrow. It includes stuff that needs to get done and will feel good to finish and fun things to keep spirit up.

I hope you are well Anita thank you for being there.

zeeza

• This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Zeeza.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Zeeza.

Dear Anita,

Thank you 💜 connecting to spirit helps me feel like I am invited to space of infinite worth. Like “ “the infinite love in the sky that never dies”

which means that creation of matter and life is a beautiful blossom of gratitude and the love is the momentum that brings it forward. I know scientifically emotions aren’t used to describe the Big Bang theory but the ability to witness, listen to connect, and value what exists is that infinite love in the sky. Like how it can feel so good to look at the sky , one could call it a hug from the universe.

I did the next step of dying my hair and I really like it. Reminds me of goddess kind of warrior. My dad called my late last night at midnight and I woke up and talked with him as I ate a bowl of cereal. When I answered I was confused I thought he was Calling me at 5am which 8am in Vermont. But it was midnight my time. We had a could talk about aggression and punching things and ways to do Thai chi and other channels for aggressions. He is big on karate and tonight we watched videos on different soft karate formss he thinks would be good for me to learn. He was trying to direct me away from the more aggressive forms of fighting and more towards necessary self defense. I did 10 push ups I am not tired yet.

also another thing that helps me is connecting to inner child and I learned that here on this thread with you. It makes it easier to be gentle with myself. When I was really crying hard the other day I actually felt as if my young self was trying to give me a hug and thought is this what self love is?

I had a weird vision that the way I would die is being stabbed in the back on my right side puncturing a lung. Which when I had this flash that part of my back hurts.

I don’t think I am manic but it is weird to feel this much better after such a drastic upheaval of negative emotions. I know it’s s unlikely that I will know how I will die and that the sky isn’t actually loving me it just exists with me but the playful side of me has this view to keep dreaming and hoping.

my friends who are getting out of the military, the ones who have been watching Harry, will not have housing for a month. When I was younger I had no where to go 20 years old, and became a live in nanny and known them for years. They are going to stay in my apartment with their 4 kids. They have stated in a hotel room before when they had a maintenance problem. So they have experience with tiny spaces. I think I am going to take that month (January) to take a trip somewhere in the van again. Where exactly I am not sure. they only need a place for a month until back pay comes through.

so it is really good that I kept the place! Oh also I have been using my standing desk and it is easier to keep my heart open and my back straight so it is less painful emotionally and physically. And much easier to not hold my body into a shrinkness of despair.

I haven’t set up the air fryer yet but will do that tomorrow.  And hopefully will sleep tonight. I didn’t take any anxiety medication today but my mind still races like I have anxiety without the panic.

I hope your December is peaceful so far. You are a beautiful soul too Anita! Thank you for offering compassion patience and love to the world and tiny Buddha forums. And yourself 🙂

zeeza

• This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Zeeza.

Dear Anita,

I slept good last night but the night before was rough. Yesterday I felt so dizzy writhing ringing in my ears that I laid down and immediately fel alders. Work up and clocked back into work 20 min later bud I thought I was going to pass out.

I ate food but using my standing desk so early in the morning maybe did it I am not sure.

Thank you I hope you are well 🙂

Dear Anita,

This is going to be a long post so please bare with me. I will try to split it up so it is easy to read.

—-

Yes there are a couple of options for me but none for them. Unless they can suddenly afford a way to travel to one parent that is still alive. 4 kids and 2 adults. I don’t think my space is big enough but they have stayed in hotel rooms together for a long time when something was getting fixed on their house.

The options I have

-I could go to the portland friend’s house- not a long drive. And I enjoy my time with my friend. But she is really having a stressful marriage and they are going to therapy but there has been abusive behaviors.

-I could go visit a friend in cali like I was originally going to do. The friend who has a spare room and we talk every other day. I just didn’t know how serious her offer was because she drinks often I don’t think she remembers what she offers sometime so I double check.

-Could also go to colorado to visit another friend but the snow could be triggering for me.

– I have the ability to drive out of the country now which I have never done. I have one really good friend in Canada. The friend I got into the car wreck with. Once again snow. And my window can’t roll up all the way yet it is taped.

FT and I had planned to go to mexico at some point 🙁

———

So last night I started to write to you and never posted it
“Dear Anita,
the heavy weight, the cloud of complex ptsd ,hits my heart in a different empathetic way. When I look at the source of the pain in my heart when I breathe I think of all the times I tried so so so so hard to be loved. I am past the stage of trying so hard to be loved and now just so angry. I tried so hard to be good enough. Now it feels like a hijack game of “it doesn’t matter what I do”. But the anger kicks in because I want to have power. The power to escape this cycle of trying to prove my worth. what looks like love but isn’t— abusive exes wanted me to love them, they did not love me. It felt so good to be wanted.

Sometimes I worry about my history with violence. How I have been violent towards myself and now how I punched the door. Throughout the day I just wish I had something to punch.
I actually got so dizzy, ringing in my ears, fast heart, I thought I was going to pass out. I laid down and fell asleep or passed out I can’t tell. I was up in 10 minutes just fine. I was using my standing desk, maybe standing did it? I don’t know.

Around this time of year I do notice jealousy pops up. I try to switch it to gratitude. I went near my old campus last week. It reminded me of how insecure and brave I was. But also looking at all the students with nice clothes and confidence made it really hard to not compare.
I try to imagine what would a happy ending be? ”
————-
One of the things my dad told me recently is that he tried meth. But that he didn’t continue doing it.

Really sad. He also said I am one of the main reasons he is still alive. It would be easier if he visited me instead of going to PTSD areas.

———–

In regards to FT,

He is going to get vaccinated Monday. (he says it is because of work, but then does say, hey maybe I am safer, so I think he is starting to see how it could possibly help, that and his mother was recently vaccinated.).

This is my theory, I have not directly called him out on it yet, but when I asked for 2 day space and started being distrustful towards him when he said he wanted to move things more slowly, then he said he wanted an open relationship. His previous 10 year relationship ended because she cheated on him. I felt cheated by him not telling me he wanted it open from the beginning. Most poly people are upfront as soon as you meet them. It feels less dishonest that way.

When we did talk he asked me about guys who I was with where I have been and it became apparent to me that he was worried with me being back in seattle that I was cheating on him, so he said let’s open the relationship. I asked him if he already has someone else and he said no. S0 honestly have no idea why he brought this up beside trying to let go of expectations. I have had moments with crushes on multiple people. leaving a current bf for another.

What I suggested was that we are all friends and that I want to be a primary partner and poly is like agreed boundaries. I honestly don’t think he is poly and neither do my friends. He was single for 3 years before he met me. I felt like it was a way to cope with his insecurities but it broke me into my own insecurities.

I am the only one that knows his family, I am friends with his mom. She has emailed me a few times. She just got vaccinated and better medication. He was updating me on how she is doing a lot better too.

I told him about the emotional roller coaster I have been on and he offered a calmspace app. I told him I felt dizzy and he told me to lay down etc. Then he mentioned how he knows how I really want security and safety. And maybe a part of that would be for me to connect with a neighbor. SO friends or anyone can check on me if anything happens. There is someone nearby. I told him how the holidays are hard and I usually spend it alone. He reminded me of friends who would want to spend time with me then.

It is still really raw and fresh. He knows when I got to bed so even if he is drunk and doing stuff he texts me good night at the same time now. And he even woke up early to say good morning before falling back asleep because he knows my schedule. We have been back in contact for I don’t know how many days?

His mom studies violence against women throughout history and how we develop resilience. He was saying how he has a lot of anger too and doing tai chi helps.

He was most recently angry when his mom accidentally washed his earbuds. He didn’t say how expressed it but how his mom instantly knew he was upset. and how he is trying to calm down. That he has calmed down a lot since his 20s. He use to get bullied a lot since he is into geeky things and looks foreign.

I don’t know we are building trust. I might visit him though?

At least he can see where I am coming from. Why I want security so badly and offering ideas to build it.

We have been in contact, and it is a mind game to test me to say he wants things to be open?  because I think he wanted to see how I react? He wanted either for me to admit I was cheating or see how upset I would get I don’t know. It is a theory. I really do want to try to make things work. but I don’t want drama.

He sent me this song and it was sweet, the lyrics are
“In spite of ourselves
We’ll end up sittin on a rainbow
Against all odds
Honey, we’re the big door prize
We’re gonna spite our noses
Right off of our faces
There won’t be nothin’ but big old hearts
Dancin’ in our eyes….She’s my baby I’m her honey
I’m never gonna let her go”

I do not feel as emotionally high but peaceful. So if it all comes crashing down on me it won’t be like last time. Like an emotional whiplash.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Zeeza.