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  • #389200
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I imagine if my bf was here… automatically try to improve my quality of life… Like more food in the fridge and actually fixing my bed that is indented from planks breaking so it is not comfortable“- I imagine he would, but here is a likely scenario: you drive your van all the way to see FT because he won’t drive to see you. Your van breaks down, you get stuck in the middle of nowhere, having to rent a hotel room and whatnot… all that can will cost you a lot of money. With a small portion of that projected cost, you can now pay to have groceries delivered to you, and you can hire someone to fix your bed, or buy a new bed!

    I immediately feel like I am allowed to be happy knowing I have value in someone else’s eyes“- you can be happy then because you do have value in my eyes!

    Then the lab director told that this is happening in our new system. It felt like a moment of oh maybe I can trust my perceptions?“- yes, you can trust your perceptions, keep calm and trust your perceptions and your abilities. You are capable!

    I read that sometimes in relationships we become so attached to the fantasy that doesn’t exist. It is like hoping to grow a garden with someone that is imaginary… I think a part of me is hoping for one conversation or one moment to pop up where it confirms that the fantasy is reality”– it is very common for women to get attached to whom they wish their boyfriends/ husbands were. I think that it starts when children imagine that their parents are way better than they really are because they need them to be better. Fast forward, it extends to the romantic context.

    anita

    #389241
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    How are you this afternoon…???

    anita

    #389242
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    it’s like you could sense my pain. 2 hours ago I punched a hard door s couple times for the first time ever. My knuckles are bruised.

    I got my medication, groceries, hair dye, an air fryer. I am not worn a friend is here.

    FT told me he wanted an open relationship. And is too drunk to talk right now to cal me he said. At his sisters.

    im trying to be calm

    zeeza

    #389243
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I am so sorry, about your knuckles being bruised, and.. about your heart being bruised. Are you going to give up on FT, just leave it be as a past travel-related experience, a thing of the past… or will you be pursuing him?

    anita

    #389264
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I went to the beach early this morning I wish I could share a photo I am trying so hard t stay can I took anxiety medication I’m prescribed as needed.

    I can’t think about the end or the relationship right now it’s like heart break overload.

    trying my best to not let my negative beliefs cement that I am not enough that this will not influence my destiny.

    im going to dye my hair.

    my hand still aches but I’m okay. I hope you are well. Still shocked I punched a door *that is never happened before.

    zeeza

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
    #389266
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Caspers spirit is at the beach I am trying to stay connected to spirit and nature.

    #389272
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Regarding your aching hand, I wonder if you are wearing a hand brace and if it is a Restriction Splint brace, maybe you need this particular brace, available online.

    You were at the beach at this weather… impressive!

    I am glad to be reading from you, and to be reading that you are taking your prescription medication as prescribed. I understand that you are on an emotional overload regarding FT, so I will not talk about him, not before you bring him up, if you do. Please say hello to Casper’s spirit and please, take very good care of yourself. You are a special, precious person, Casper’s spirit knows it and so do I.

    anita

    #389293
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you my hands are both doing better. I cleaned, installed my standing desk, installed my new metal cart to carry big things like this. It was nice because it took all my focus to put the pieces together. I did laundry and I bleached my hair so I can dye it lavender blue and purple tomorrow. Trying really hard to not let the heart break pain get me to far spiraling by doing things. But I would just lay down and feel the pain and try so hard to  deep breathe to let it release. Such a deep heart pain I don’t understand it was similar to the shocking pain I felt when Casper first passed away. Doing things helped have some moment of the pain lessening so I could breathe peacefully. I talked on the phone for hours with two friends which helped me stop crying and going into rumination of the heart pain. And thank you for being there Anita.

    Tomorrow, I hope to continue self care routines and learn how to use my air fryer for the first time. I picked one up and groceries and medication. I really don’t want to escalate my emotions so high I punch things and so I am trying to stay calm. Yesterday before that I gave some homeless people muffins. I want to do that again. and now that I have a metal cart, moving back in will be so much easier and living here in general. I made a new distraction list for tomorrow. It includes stuff that needs to get done and will feel good to finish and fun things to keep spirit up.

    I hope you are well Anita thank you for being there.

    zeeza

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
    • This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
    #389301
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    What a wonderful post to wake up to, this Thursday morning! A week from Thanksgiving, it just occurred to me, a week since you had nowhere to go and tried to sleep in your cold, cramped van… and here you are back to your apartment, making it a home for yourself, I am so proud of you! You did everything right: cleaning, laundry, getting furniture back in using a metal cart to move heavy things, getting groceries and medication, talking to friends… even giving muffins to homeless people, and a week after you experienced being homeless for a short time. This is all so impressive!

    I can tell that you are mentally so much better now than a week ago, even a few days ago: your grammar is excellent, no typos! Lavender blue and purple reads colorful enough to me! And congrats for the air fryer. Last thing I had there was cauliflower, delicious and so fast!

    Trying really hard to not let the heart break pain get me… Such a deep heart pain I don’t understand it was similar to the shocking pain I felt when Casper first passed away“- I said I will not bring up someone, so I won’t, plus I don’t need to because I think that your pain is about the Loss of what you imagined, not of what was really there. When you lost Casper, he was really gone except for his spirit. Most recently you lost a fantasy that made you sometimes so happy. But see how much better you are for having lost this fantasy: you are functioning so much better! Keep doing what you are doing, one hour at a time, one day at a time, build pride in yourself, in the wonderful person that you are!

    anita

    #389342
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you 💜 connecting to spirit helps me feel like I am invited to space of infinite worth. Like “ “the infinite love in the sky that never dies”

    which means that creation of matter and life is a beautiful blossom of gratitude and the love is the momentum that brings it forward. I know scientifically emotions aren’t used to describe the Big Bang theory but the ability to witness, listen to connect, and value what exists is that infinite love in the sky. Like how it can feel so good to look at the sky , one could call it a hug from the universe.

    I did the next step of dying my hair and I really like it. Reminds me of goddess kind of warrior. My dad called my late last night at midnight and I woke up and talked with him as I ate a bowl of cereal. When I answered I was confused I thought he was Calling me at 5am which 8am in Vermont. But it was midnight my time. We had a could talk about aggression and punching things and ways to do Thai chi and other channels for aggressions. He is big on karate and tonight we watched videos on different soft karate formss he thinks would be good for me to learn. He was trying to direct me away from the more aggressive forms of fighting and more towards necessary self defense. I did 10 push ups I am not tired yet.

    also another thing that helps me is connecting to inner child and I learned that here on this thread with you. It makes it easier to be gentle with myself. When I was really crying hard the other day I actually felt as if my young self was trying to give me a hug and thought is this what self love is?

    I had a weird vision that the way I would die is being stabbed in the back on my right side puncturing a lung. Which when I had this flash that part of my back hurts.

    I don’t think I am manic but it is weird to feel this much better after such a drastic upheaval of negative emotions. I know it’s s unlikely that I will know how I will die and that the sky isn’t actually loving me it just exists with me but the playful side of me has this view to keep dreaming and hoping.

    my friends who are getting out of the military, the ones who have been watching Harry, will not have housing for a month. When I was younger I had no where to go 20 years old, and became a live in nanny and known them for years. They are going to stay in my apartment with their 4 kids. They have stated in a hotel room before when they had a maintenance problem. So they have experience with tiny spaces. I think I am going to take that month (January) to take a trip somewhere in the van again. Where exactly I am not sure. they only need a place for a month until back pay comes through.

    so it is really good that I kept the place! Oh also I have been using my standing desk and it is easier to keep my heart open and my back straight so it is less painful emotionally and physically. And much easier to not hold my body into a shrinkness of despair.

    I haven’t set up the air fryer yet but will do that tomorrow.  And hopefully will sleep tonight. I didn’t take any anxiety medication today but my mind still races like I have anxiety without the panic.

    I hope your December is peaceful so far. You are a beautiful soul too Anita! Thank you for offering compassion patience and love to the world and tiny Buddha forums. And yourself 🙂

    zeeza

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
    #389347
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    What a beautiful post, here is some of the beauty that makes this Friday morning feel better for me: “I know it’s s unlikely that I will know how I will die and that the sky isn’t actually loving me it just exists with me but the playful side of me has this view to keep dreaming and hoping“- the playful side of Zeeza is indeed a beautiful “goddess kind of warrior” with lavender blue and purple hair, and a heart kind and generous,  giving away her home to friends in-need for a whole month, a courageous heart willing to go on another month-long trip this coming January, not yet knowing where.

    Thank you for your kind words and heart emoji, and you are welcome!

    It is now Friday, 6:24 am. Did you sleep okay Thursday night?

    anita

    #389381
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I slept good last night but the night before was rough. Yesterday I felt so dizzy writhing ringing in my ears that I laid down and immediately fel alders. Work up and clocked back into work 20 min later bud I thought I was going to pass out.

    I ate food but using my standing desk so early in the morning maybe did it I am not sure.

    Thank you I hope you are well 🙂

     

    #389382
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    Good to read back from you this foggy Saturday morning! I think that it is most important that you re-establish a daily routine that works for you, eat regularly, take your medications as prescribed, and avoid making big decisions.

    I am concerned about you having made the big decision most recently to offer your apartment to your friends this coming January and go on the road again. It’s only been 7 days since last Saturday, Nov 27, when you posted: “I am going to focus on a self-care routine of food, exercise like stretching, harry, and talking with friends. I think I need to hibernate, and I don’t trust myself to drive long distances. I don’t feel impulsively dark like I did the other day. but I feel like I need to stay here to keep safety“-

    –  I think that your plan at the time was sensible, including not driving long distances, but in less than a week you offered your apartments to your friends and decided to drive long distances. Should you reconsider this most recent decision and let your friends know, so that they can find another accommodation?

    anita

     

    #389390
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    This is going to be a long post so please bare with me. I will try to split it up so it is easy to read.

    —-

    Yes there are a couple of options for me but none for them. Unless they can suddenly afford a way to travel to one parent that is still alive. 4 kids and 2 adults. I don’t think my space is big enough but they have stayed in hotel rooms together for a long time when something was getting fixed on their house.

    The options I have

    -I could go to the portland friend’s house- not a long drive. And I enjoy my time with my friend. But she is really having a stressful marriage and they are going to therapy but there has been abusive behaviors.

    -I could go visit a friend in cali like I was originally going to do. The friend who has a spare room and we talk every other day. I just didn’t know how serious her offer was because she drinks often I don’t think she remembers what she offers sometime so I double check.

    -Could also go to colorado to visit another friend but the snow could be triggering for me.

    – I have the ability to drive out of the country now which I have never done. I have one really good friend in Canada. The friend I got into the car wreck with. Once again snow. And my window can’t roll up all the way yet it is taped.

    FT and I had planned to go to mexico at some point 🙁

    ———

    So last night I started to write to you and never posted it
    “Dear Anita,
    the heavy weight, the cloud of complex ptsd ,hits my heart in a different empathetic way. When I look at the source of the pain in my heart when I breathe I think of all the times I tried so so so so hard to be loved. I am past the stage of trying so hard to be loved and now just so angry. I tried so hard to be good enough. Now it feels like a hijack game of “it doesn’t matter what I do”. But the anger kicks in because I want to have power. The power to escape this cycle of trying to prove my worth. what looks like love but isn’t— abusive exes wanted me to love them, they did not love me. It felt so good to be wanted.

    Sometimes I worry about my history with violence. How I have been violent towards myself and now how I punched the door. Throughout the day I just wish I had something to punch.
    I actually got so dizzy, ringing in my ears, fast heart, I thought I was going to pass out. I laid down and fell asleep or passed out I can’t tell. I was up in 10 minutes just fine. I was using my standing desk, maybe standing did it? I don’t know.

    Around this time of year I do notice jealousy pops up. I try to switch it to gratitude. I went near my old campus last week. It reminded me of how insecure and brave I was. But also looking at all the students with nice clothes and confidence made it really hard to not compare.
    I try to imagine what would a happy ending be? ”
    ————-
    One of the things my dad told me recently is that he tried meth. But that he didn’t continue doing it.

    Really sad. He also said I am one of the main reasons he is still alive. It would be easier if he visited me instead of going to PTSD areas.

    ———–

    In regards to FT,

    He is going to get vaccinated Monday. (he says it is because of work, but then does say, hey maybe I am safer, so I think he is starting to see how it could possibly help, that and his mother was recently vaccinated.).

    This is my theory, I have not directly called him out on it yet, but when I asked for 2 day space and started being distrustful towards him when he said he wanted to move things more slowly, then he said he wanted an open relationship. His previous 10 year relationship ended because she cheated on him. I felt cheated by him not telling me he wanted it open from the beginning. Most poly people are upfront as soon as you meet them. It feels less dishonest that way.

    When we did talk he asked me about guys who I was with where I have been and it became apparent to me that he was worried with me being back in seattle that I was cheating on him, so he said let’s open the relationship. I asked him if he already has someone else and he said no. S0 honestly have no idea why he brought this up beside trying to let go of expectations. I have had moments with crushes on multiple people. leaving a current bf for another.

    What I suggested was that we are all friends and that I want to be a primary partner and poly is like agreed boundaries. I honestly don’t think he is poly and neither do my friends. He was single for 3 years before he met me. I felt like it was a way to cope with his insecurities but it broke me into my own insecurities.

    I am the only one that knows his family, I am friends with his mom. She has emailed me a few times. She just got vaccinated and better medication. He was updating me on how she is doing a lot better too.

    I told him about the emotional roller coaster I have been on and he offered a calmspace app. I told him I felt dizzy and he told me to lay down etc. Then he mentioned how he knows how I really want security and safety. And maybe a part of that would be for me to connect with a neighbor. SO friends or anyone can check on me if anything happens. There is someone nearby. I told him how the holidays are hard and I usually spend it alone. He reminded me of friends who would want to spend time with me then.

    It is still really raw and fresh. He knows when I got to bed so even if he is drunk and doing stuff he texts me good night at the same time now. And he even woke up early to say good morning before falling back asleep because he knows my schedule. We have been back in contact for I don’t know how many days?

    His mom studies violence against women throughout history and how we develop resilience. He was saying how he has a lot of anger too and doing tai chi helps.

    He was most recently angry when his mom accidentally washed his earbuds. He didn’t say how expressed it but how his mom instantly knew he was upset. and how he is trying to calm down. That he has calmed down a lot since his 20s. He use to get bullied a lot since he is into geeky things and looks foreign.

    I don’t know we are building trust. I might visit him though?

    At least he can see where I am coming from. Why I want security so badly and offering ideas to build it.

    We have been in contact, and it is a mind game to test me to say he wants things to be open?  because I think he wanted to see how I react? He wanted either for me to admit I was cheating or see how upset I would get I don’t know. It is a theory. I really do want to try to make things work. but I don’t want drama.

    He sent me this song and it was sweet, the lyrics are
    “In spite of ourselves
    We’ll end up sittin on a rainbow
    Against all odds
    Honey, we’re the big door prize
    We’re gonna spite our noses
    Right off of our faces
    There won’t be nothin’ but big old hearts
    Dancin’ in our eyes….She’s my baby I’m her honey
    I’m never gonna let her go”

    I do not feel as emotionally high but peaceful. So if it all comes crashing down on me it won’t be like last time. Like an emotional whiplash.

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
    #389394
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I will be able to read your recent post, and reply when I am back to the computer Sun morning.

    anita

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