December 5, 2021 at 11:52 am #389426
“Yes, there are a couple of options for me but none for them. Unless they can suddenly afford a way to travel to one parent that is still alive. 4 kids and 2 adults“- If their financial difficulties in large part, are due to their ongoing mismanagement of their money, then your sacrifice of your own place can hurt you a whole lot and not fix their situation long-term: a Lose for you and a No-Win for them.
“The options I have-I could go to the Portland friend’s house- not a long drive. And I enjoy my time with my friend. But she is really having a stressful marriage and they are going to therapy, but there have been abusive behaviors“- read like a Lose for you, to be exposed to abusive behaviors for a day, let alone a whole month.
“I could go visit a friend in Cali… I just didn’t know how serious her offer was because she drinks often. I don’t think she remembers what she offers“- reads like this option goes hand in hand with a promise of anxiety and stress: unless she gives you a key, you never know if she will be there to open the door for you… or maybe you have a key and find someone else staying in the room that was supposed to be yours.
“Could also go to Colorado to visit another friend but the snow could be triggering for me… I have one really good friend in Canada… Once again snow. And my window can’t roll up all the way, yet it is taped“- it’s a bad idea to travel anywhere but South in January, especially in an old van with a taped window, during this era of extreme weather events.
“I tried so, so, so, so hard to be loved. I am past the stage of trying so hard to be loved and now just so angry. I tried so hard to be good enough… the anger kicks in because I want to have power. The power to escape this cycle of trying to prove my worth. what looks like love but isn’t“- But you are good enough, you are worthy: no need to prove what is clearly there! Take power into your hands and life by choosing the people and situations that are right for you and rejecting the people and situations that are wrong for you! Don’t wait and wait for the wrong people to change and become right for you. Don’t be afraid of your own anger: it’s here to protect you and protecting yourself is a good thing!
You shared that (1) FT’s mother got vaccinated and on new medication, that she emailed you a few times since you returned to Seattle, that you are friends with her, that FT plans to get vaccinated tomorrow, (2) Maybe he suggested to have an open relationship with you not because he had another woman in mind, or that he wanted to be with another woman- but because being insecure, and having been cheated on by a previous girlfriend, he worried that you will be with another guy back in Seattle, and wanted to test you, to see how you react, (3) He’s been respecting your sleep schedule by texting you to say good night at the same time every night, and “even woke up early to say good morning before falling back asleep”, that he was bullied in the past because “he is into geeky things and looks foreign”, and perhaps he has an anger problem as a result, (4) He said this and that to you, you said this and that to him, and he sent you a poem.
“I might visit him though?“- When I first read about your plan to go on the road this January, I thought to myself that it will be too tempting for you to not stop at his parents’ home and see him, and maybe stay there for the month, so I am not surprised that you are bringing this up and that in the 1-4 above, you are building a case for why it can be a good idea to travel south to him.
I already shared with you my thoughts in regard to you giving your place away to your friends and going on the road long-distance after you expressed to me that you need to stay put and have a daily, stabilizing routine for yourself.
His words and texts do not impress me at all, nor does the poem he sent you. What would impress me is if after being vaccinated tomorrow, he will drive all the way north to see you sometime this December. I want some action and mileage behind his words! I don’t think that it’s a good idea that you travel south again before he travels north for the first time, so to see you!
December 6, 2021 at 5:21 pm #389536
- This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
Yes feels like I am suspended in time waiting hoping that he will care as much as I care. That he will want to talk to me as much as I do. Past couple days has been bare minimum conversation. After had like a 3 hour phone call. Keeping my peace and calm and not reacting because I don’t want to be needy. He did invite me for the holidays but I declined because its best to lay low on the holidays for me and my PTSD. It is just odd I will ask him how is doing and he won’t answer but just respond to other things I said like oh thats cool.
I have been thinking about what it means to be vulnerable and to trust. Maybe I make myself too vulnerable. Need to be selective with sharing. I previously removed myself from a friend group thread so I wouldn’t see all the times he ignored me and replied to the thread instead. He recently added me back. I didn’t feel safe enough to tell him that this was why I removed myself. Because I didn’t want him to feel pressured to respond to me first. Rather have it happen organically.
Love is organic can’t force it and it stresses me out to try to measure it so I let it go. Feel like I can let go of my thoughts more easily.
Maybe I could go to Mexico one day by myself. I am not prepared to do anything like that now.
I want stability and long term security. Most people consider that to be money but for me it is a forever home. and most people have a family like that. So it is odd.
My friends who needed a place might be going to their only living parents house. The mom was recently hospitalized for covid and is in another state. They don’t know when or if they would leave to see her yet. But might I have the place to myself.
I have one day off, then work two days, then the first time in years I will have a weekend day off.
Maybe that will help my social life.
So to help me understand better, a loving husband would want to take care of you and not see you as a burden? I mean we all can get compassion fatigue. and the fear of losing yourself to a relationship without having time for other things makes sense.
I just feel kind of invisible. I was reading old poetry of mine last night to try to reconnect with myself. Remembering that level of vulnerability.
A couple of years ago I was so career and success focused. After that car wreck I became more people focused wanting to have those bonds. And around the same time I had a falling out with a best friend and a break up etc But I am thinking I need to focus on living my life like I will never be married. I mean I might? But for now I am the only one I can count on so I better invest in myself. I am not sure how yet besides hobbies. I am too nervous to make a plunge to start an art business. And I still have 5 classes to finish a degree. I really do hope I draw soon I always feel better. I sat in front of my drawing pad for two hours and nothing was willing to come to me. I just kept reading my poem which ended with the lines “never truly seen or heard I am a doll to you only to serve”. I wrote that a couple of years ago. I wonder if I do this to myself, because I am trying to prove worth I try to make happiness increase by catering. So that becomes expected from me. And If I am not letting myself be seen and hiding behind good deeds then its my own fault. Learning to be vulnerable in the right ways like holding my needs and feelings as important and not being afraid to be rejected because I don’t reject myself.
ZeezaDecember 6, 2021 at 6:07 pm #389537
I may write more Tues morning, but for now, regarding “I want stability and long-term security… for me it is a forever home… will never be married. I mean I might?“-
– I was just thinking for the first time: you live in a major city with lots of people, so lots of people to meet if you do online dating (a number advantage): why not join Plenty of fish. com (I think it’s still free of charge) and do online dating for the purpose of getting married and having the stability, long-term security and forever home?
You have a way better chance to get what you want if you meet a couple of men a day in Starbucks for casual dates which I think of as friendly interviews (I will help you with the process), than if you sit in your apartment “suspended in time waiting hoping” for this one guy who is not a promising prospect. What do you think?
anitaDecember 7, 2021 at 11:29 am #389572
Here is a little summary of what you shared since September 2017, your first post on tiny buddha, and my thoughts today, more than 4 years later:
You were diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) at 17, later diagnosed with <i>bipolar disorder</i> as well. The Trauma in your PTSD diagnosis is about having been born to an incredibly immature woman who had no idea what being a responsible adult, or a responsible mother meant. This is what you shared two years ago, in December 2019: “The memories that have come up around this holiday season is my mom taunting me like making fun of me. If I would cry, she would say oh you have no spine boohoo. If I made a mistake or asked a question, she would say: what are you retarded? and make this mock sounds pretending she was me“.
In addition to taunting and abusing you physically and emotionally in other ways, she repeatedly robbed drug stores so to feed her drug addiction to opioids, leading to your house being raided by the authorities, causing upheaval and instability in your young life. As if to prove that she can do worse as a mother, she let a man whom she knew to have had sex with a 12-year-old girl prior- to move in as her boyfriend and had a child with him. This man proceeded to sexually molested you.
You never lived with your biological father, who to this day is addicted to drugs, including alcohol and opioids.
As a result of experiencing this very traumatizing childhood, you self-harmed since age 11, had suicidal thoughts, left home at 18, moved 11 times before the age of 24, spent time in and out of hospitalizations, intensive outpatient therapy, and counseling. Amazingly, you persevered and aspired for more: at the age of 19, you started (and later quit because of anxiety and “feeling unfit for the job”) a beginning child-care career. Later, you studied biochemistry and quit 5 classes short of earning a bachelor’s degree (because a professor reminded you of your mother’s boyfriend, triggering your PTSD). You have a history of smoking, later vaporing, as well as taking mind-altering substances, particularly cannabis, while also taking prescribed mood stabilizing medications for Bipolar. You suffered from an anorexic tendency and difficulties with eating regularly and maintaining other self-care practices, such as showering and sleeping.
In Oct 2019, you started a new job in a Seattle laboratory, doing a lot of micropippeting, and you did very well at the job. But all that micropippeting strained one of your hands and injured it. Currently, you are working for the same lab remotely and your hand is still aching.
In your relationships with men, you longed to be loved and to feel safe and secure. With that longing in heart, you allowed men to mistreat you, being too understanding and too empathetic toward the men who mistreated you. You wrote this a few years ago: “I feel like my upbringing trained me really well to be a doormat… I wish I could… learn how to be me without saying sorry“.
You are about to turn 29 next year, and you are currently in a sort of relationship with a 44-year-old man whom you met three months ago while traveling in your van. According to your most recent post of yesterday, you are “suspended in time waiting hoping that he will care as much as I care… I just feel kind of invisible… ‘never truly seen or heard I am a doll to you only to serve’“.
You did so well in so many ways, Zeeza, given your very harsh childhood/ almost 3 decades of difficult life. Keep your apartment through January and onward, don’t give it away. Establish and maintain self-care practices and routines. Break through the Invisible Phase of living and Enter the Visible Phase of 29-year-old Zeeza. Time to never-again be a doormat, never again allow and excuse abuse, never again rush to say I-Am-Sorry.
You are good-enough (and I mean it, Zeeza!!!) to deserve the love, safety and security that you long for, and which you longed for, for so long. No need to be suspended in time waiting for some guy, any guy, to ground you. Please choose a man thoughtfully, don’t accept just anyone who randomly shows up in your life. Live and Love Intentionally, not randomly.
anitaDecember 9, 2021 at 1:58 pm #389644
Thank you for deep things to ponder on and recognize growth. I will write/share more thoughts/plans later tonight.
ZeezaDecember 9, 2021 at 2:13 pm #389645
You are welcome. Thank you for the note! I am looking forward to your next post, whenever it is convenient for you to post.
anitaDecember 11, 2021 at 2:33 pm #389672
I have written and thought of many things to say but I am kind of shuffling that to the side so it isn’t so painful to face it. I wanted to talk about something recent and I will circle back to go deeper. I started to think of al the times I have cried in this relationship which lead me to ask more directly for what I want which produced some results and care.
I so feel like I am stuck on history on repeat. I finally made art. I got ready to stream and start the art business idea I have been dreaming. Last time I streamed was when I got out of the car wreck.
anyways today I wake up with car insurance calling me. And my van was hit while parked. I have an appt to get it fixed Monday. I still have so much to empty out.
and it feels odd like a sign from the universe, car accidents and taking steps to follow art dreams, to remember what I am saying yes and no to because my time is important. I am important.
I have been trying to insert positive thinking and strengthen mind over matter.
I don’t want to be alone for the holidays like I thought I did but I have no idea where to go. I could rent a car. I do feel lucky that the person was honest and filed an insurance claim instead of a hit and run.
I really do want to ask him FT that if he really does want an open relationship then there shouldn’t be a problem with me seeing other people and trying to find my husband. I’ve just been afraid to say it ask it because I just want the answer to be that it is him. That he is the one.
I’m trying to think clearly and keep self care routine. I at least set up 3 places I can sit instead of one spot that I have been stuck in. I hung up art and lights. Trying to nest.
I hope you are well Anita?
December 11, 2021 at 3:48 pm #389674
- This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Zeeza.
Good to read back from you! I am about to leave for the afternoon/ evening. I think I will answer you more thoroughly Sunday morning. I am okay, thank you for asking. You are welcome to post again before I return to you, whatever comes to mind, if anything. Please do your best to relax this evening, have peace inside you, no matter the circumstances of the present time.
anitaDecember 12, 2021 at 12:48 pm #389731
You wrote yesterday, Dec 11: “I don’t want to be alone for the holidays like I thought I did, but I have no idea where to go. I could rent a car… I just want the answer to be that it is him. That he is the one“-
-It reads like you are thinking about driving down to California so to spend the holidays with your boyfriend aka FT, at times staying in his parents’ house and at other times in your van, parked on his parents’ property (like before). I re-read what you shared in your thread 4 months ago, just before you went on your travels and met FT for the first time, and what you shared about him since. I wanted to get a fresh and objective look at him without my previous judgment.
Having done so, I think that it is safe to expect that during a holiday stay with him, (1) he will still have his other friends in his life, prioritizing them over you, to one extent or another, and that (2) he will continue to drink during the holidays, at least as much as he did while you stated with him earlier, joining you in your van late in the evenings or nights so to pass out, like he did before.
I don’t view FT as a bad man in the context of personal relationships. I don’t think that he has bad intentions, such as to use and abuse his friends. Like you shared repeatedly, he showed lots of care to his friends, and they appreciate him for it. He showed care for you most recently by inviting you to spend the holidays with him, his family and friends. He recently showed care for you by calling you at certain times when you are not likely to be sleeping, and earlier he showed care by fixing your van before you traveled back north.
I think that the problem is that he sees you as a friend who happens to be a girl, and therefore one with whom he can sleep with, and do bf-gf stuff, but he does not see you as a partner, that is: a woman with whom he is considering living with and making a life together.
There is a huge gap between what you need and want from him (to be “the one”, your “forever home”), and what he wants from you (to be a friend and do bf-gf stuff together).
You value most highly a forever home with a man, and he values most highly future technologies; you want to invest your money in what you value most (making a forever-home with him), while he wants to continue to invest his money in what he values most (future technologies). This is a significant gap between the two of you in terms of primary values and motivations.
At one point I was hoping that this new relationship will work out, and that you will be living with him in his parents’ fancy house (and neither one of you will be paying rent), but you stated that you felt very uncomfortable living in his parents’ house. So, with that option out the door, all you can have with him is either (1) a one-way visits situation: Zeeza driving down two states to see FT, then back up two states (or back to wherever you live by yourself), or (2) meeting him in a 3rd location as part of traveling.
I imagine that like so many women in your situation, you will be hoping that he will have a change of mind and heart and realize that you are the-one for him, that he will want to live with and marry you. But if you look at the developments in this very short relationship so far, the shift that happened is in the direction of him distancing himself from you, not the other way around. Recently, since you were back in Seattle, he clearly told you that he does not want to live with you, and he brought up the idea of having an open relationship.
One more thing: your anxiety is often significant, your desperation for a home (a place of safe and loving companionship) is great, your sense of self-worth is low, and what this all translate to is that you emotionally attach to men without much discernment or discrimination. You find comfort in the fantasy of a man being “the one”, a fantasy that has little in common with who the man actually is.
You met this man not long ago and formed a strong emotional attachment to him in the speed of light. You do know him long enough to learn about the difference between the two of you in terms of the primary values and motivations that I mentioned above. You know him long enough to know that he is wishy-washy and that he has a drinking problem. But all this which you learned about him does not undo your emotional attachment to the fantasy of him being the-one. This attachment is born not out of intelligence and discernment, but out of desperation.
Here is another walk down history lane, a walk that supports what I typed so far in this post, right above. I hope that it will help you figure things out and make better choices for yourself:
Before you met FT, August 19, 2021: “Sometimes I think my positivity is delusional thinking like me thinking my ex is kind and cares. It is wanting to think the best versus truth”.
August 24: “I am sitting outside the fenced in yard with hair dye in with a bag over my head hahaha. Hoping for new changes. I don’t know how to be single in my mind it’s like I am always looking for someone I could crush on. Here’s to new beginnings”.
August 25: “(I will) see my ex at 3pm today so he can grab his stuff… I look forward to imagining what life will be like free of crazy making behavior from boyfriend’s. I do believe I am codependent… I am so used to handing my power over”.
After you met FT, November 2, 2021: “In august I bought a van called a Starcraft and travelled to Nevada, Colorado, and San Francisco and back up the coast… I got mobile Wi-Fi so I could work while traveling… on my adventure I met someone new to date who is very kind…And we took things slowly for a month and now it’s been two months. I am currently trying to figure out how we could integrate our lives… I don’t know where I want to move to or live…I just feel lost trying to find home or create it”.
November 3: “I want to move to California. I found a cute cottage that is the same price as the Seattle place… My boyfriend is taking care of his elderly family and doesn’t feel right moving away during a pandemic… I don’t feel comfortable staying with him with his parents because (I) feel like I am imposing… Instead of getting a place, he wants to keep traveling but he already has an address that’s free and I don’t have that luxury”.
November 11: “I found out a way out of my Seattle apartment… I am going to Seattle next week and he almost wanted to come with but decided it wasn’t safe. I don’t know I stressed myself too much looking to rent a place near his parents’ house… I just don’t want to be apart. I don’t want to have to jump through a million hoops to be with him while he is investing in (future technology)… like it is a lottery. He took a break from drinking but the other night he drank too much”.
November 15: “That night I bought pizza for the family… He starts in a frustrating tone telling me… I said I feel like you are lecturing me. He then said everything I am saying is bulls*** and I started crying like you are being mean… and then (he) said to shut the f*** up. And that was when I couldn’t see road anymore from crying…
“My boyfriend said that I will be alright, and I said no, you will be alright, you have things that work and a solid place to live I don’t. He does t care go look for a place with me it is a waste of money to him”.
November 16: “He has told me… that he has a track record of (relationships) not working out… he is wishy washy with what he wants to do… Over the past week we aren’t as affectionate or really just starting to feel like I am in the background”.
November 17: “made it to the middle of Oregon only 3.5 more hours to go”.
November 23 (back in Seattle): “my head hurts from crying so much yesterday… he calls me to tell me he doesn’t want to live together and that he can only say so much to help… I think I have already cried to much over this relationship…now I am honestly thinking of staying in Seattle for a month… I definitely still have a hard time being in this apartment though…. he just wants enough to gamble his bits on future technology…I also am starting to think he drinks too much so I can’t trust him to remember to do what he says he will”.
November 24: “this would be my last day in Seattle I just have a few more things to grab… I think staying here for another month would make me more depressed. Change is good and I trust myself to be ok wherever I go”.
November 25: “So close to finishing up this Seattle Move”.
November 26: “I am back at my Seattle apartment. All I could think was this morning that I need to get my keys back. I feel suicidal thoughts about crashing my van and I thought no I need solid place to live and not uproot myself. So, I got my place back… Thanksgiving last night… I accidentally got locked out. I had to sleep in my van, and it was so cold, and I had to move stuff to just make the smallest place to sleep and I felt too dark. I felt homelessness… I don’t want to rely on anyone for housing ever… I don’t know why (FT) acts like I imagined it in my head that he wanted to live with me. It he says sorry you got confused”.
November 27: “the stress of not having keys to the next place, not knowing how long it will take to find my own place and putting myself in the trust in others for safety of my needs scared me. I was also scared that what if I had covid but no place to live yet? I would be in my van with all my stuff like that? I am going to try to spend the day tomorrow remaking home… I feel a lot safer being back in this apartment which is odd because I use to be so scared being here… I think I need to hibernate, and I don’t trust myself to drive long distances….
“I felt hurt one time when in mid conversation he answers his phone as I am talking… I was crying… Now the equivalent is when he calls me and then immediately another important call comes in and he will call me back and then another call again. His friends come first”.
November 28: “I really don’t want to end things… I am just not ready to give up… My friend said to have him get vaccinated visit me, instead of me making the drive. I don’t think that will happen. Which she replied that is why he is not right for you… I don’t want to let him go… I don’t have a hard time finding other relationships. I think I just really wanted to get married to feel like I have a sense of home”.
November 30: “2 hours ago I punched a hard door a couple of times for the first time ever. My knuckles are bruised… FT told me he wanted an open relationship. And is too drunk to talk right now”.
December 1: “I can’t think about the end or the relationship right now it’s like heart break overload”.
December 2-4: “I think I am going to take… January to take a trip somewhere in the van again. Where exactly I am not sure… I might visit him though?”.
December 6: “feels like I am suspended in time waiting hoping that he will care as much as I care. That he will want to talk to me as much as I do… He did invite me for the holidays, but I declined… I want stability and long-term security… a forever home”.
Yesterday, December 11, 2021: “I don’t want to be alone for the holidays like I thought I did, but I have no idea where to go. I could rent a car… I really do want to ask FT if he really does want an open relationship, then there shouldn’t be a problem with me seeing other people and trying to find my husband. I’ve just been afraid to say it, ask it, because I just want the answer to be that it is him. That he is the one”.
Final note for this post: by chasing FT, you are chasing a Fantasy (we can change the acronym chosen for him to mean Fantasy Target). You get to feel happy from time to time when you imagine the fantasy coming true, and you cry a whole lot when reality tears your fantasy into shreds. You want a forever-home, so to get what you want you have to be discerning, to use your intelligence to discern, instead of being pulled any which way by desperation and impulse. You did a lot of good choices over time. I want you to make more good choices, this is why I am posting this.
anitaDecember 22, 2021 at 1:31 pm #390212
Hunter, our (neighbors’) precious beagle died a few days ago and I am quite heart broken. Maybe I know now how you felt when Casper died.
It’s been ten days since I posted to you last. I wonder if you are currently in California, and I wonder how you are feeling. If you are in CA, with your boyfriend, I hope it’s going well, I hope it’s a good experience for you!
anitaDecember 24, 2021 at 12:21 pm #390258
M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S, Zeeza!
anitaDecember 31, 2021 at 1:13 pm #390550
And a Happy New Year!!!
anitaJanuary 19, 2022 at 1:17 pm #391614
Will I ever read from Zeeza again? I wish I would. I’d be sad if I don’t. Zeeza, are you here, somewhere on the face of this Earth, still here?