Dear Zeeza:

You are welcome! It is special, that Casper’s ashes are in all the beautiful beached that he would love.

Did your pipetting related hand injury heal? I am guessing that it would be something to consider in regard to choosing jobs/ career.

Regarding van life, reads like an excellent alternative life style! project van life. com says that van life has been around since the 1960s, popularized by the 1960s’ hippies and recently making a huge comeback via millennials (people born between the early 1980s and late 1990s, Zeeza included). nomad= a person roaming from place to place with no fixed residence= a full time vandweller . “Home is where you park it” is a common saying in the van life community.

Reads like you had a wonderful time in Baja. It reminds me of the wonderful, magical time I had in what was a new place for me at the time, New York City. Being back in NYC after the first time did not at all feel magical. It’s better to be open to new magical experiences than to chase the old, I say.

I still walk every day and I enjoy the taproom and a winery I frequent, where … vandwellers like you park for as long as they do, and I get to socialize with them.

anita

Dear Zeeza:

Good to read back from you, but not good to read about what happened. I am glad that you posted nonetheless. You shared that you were building an art car, a structure representing a Thai Temple. I read from Wikipedia that Buddhist temples in Thailand consist of two areas, one of which is dedicated to Sangha which means “Practicing the good way.. the upright way… logical way.. the proper way“.

But good, upright, logical or proper are not the correct adjectives to describe your boyfriend’s behavior: “He burned… destroyed…  punched things…  poured oil…  squeezing my wrists.., “threatening to slash tires and drag people on his art car… (and threatened) that he would keep coming back for revenge“, and more. The police were called.

You referred to his behavior as psychotic and/ or bipolar (“He eventually came out of psychosis… not with reality… maybe a bipolar moment“), and your way of dealing with these repeating attacks: “I try to deescalate… but now I just remove myself until he snaps out of it”.

cnn/ snap moments, May 2009: “Although a person’s snap into violence may come as a total surprise, in most cases there is a psychological buildup to that point, said Dr. Peter Ash, director of the Psychiatry and Law Service at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. ‘There’s a pathway to violence that starts with some thinking and then fantasizing about a plan,’ he said. “There may be a more explicit planning phase that other people don’t particularly notice.”

“The fantasy of killing others may turn into intention, leading the person to track victims and obtain weapons, Ash said. The psychological buildup to a violent outburst with the intent to kill usually takes a minimum of a few days, said Dr. Lyle Rossiter, a forensic psychiatrist in Saint Charles, Illinois. However, in highly unusual cases, a person with bipolar disorder could experience a buildup of only hours, he said…

“Despite the planning during the buildup, experts have found that a perpetrator often cannot recall particulars about the moment of the attack. ‘You would think they would give it a lot of thought, but sometimes they go into a somewhat dissociated state where their feelings are really kind of split off from what they’re doing,’ Ash said. ‘They may even experience it as if they went on autopilot.’

“There are clear risk factors to snapping, psychiatrists say. These include brain tumors, seizures, alcohol and drug abuse, and psychosis stemming from schizophrenia or other disorders. Another risk factor is a condition called delusional disorder — and in particular the ‘persecutory type’– that causes people to believe that someone is plotting against them, Rossiter said. People with psychotic depression and schizophrenia may also develop such delusions, he said.

“Although none of these risk factors is a certain predictor of snapping, there are associated warning signs, Raison said. If a person becomes unusually paranoid or suspicious, believes someone is out to get him or her, or says God told him or her to kill someone, these all indicate that the person may do something to harm someone else. They may stop bathing, become extremely agitated, and ‘go from 0 to 60 in a second,’ he said…”.

Back to what you shared about your boyfriend:  “He gave me an ultimatum that if I didn’t leave my friends and go with him he would leave and that he would keep coming back for revenge… blamed me for not sticking up for him… He doesn’t want me to talk to my friends because he thinks that it’s betrayal to him and his narrative“- reads like him being paranoid, suspicious and delusional, believing that you and your friends are out to get him, similar to what the article states about people who snap and kill.

“The next day my friends called the cops… I had to talk to all the enforcements and tried to throw no one under the bus. He just had to pay a fine and clean up the mess he made on the protected land“- I wish that you didn’t protect him when the cops showed up. Being charged with a crime and arrested might be just what he- and society- needs: him being forced into professional treatment, and society being protected from him.

“I’m planning to head back north end of September“- I wish that you would leave or have him leave you as soon as possible, so that neither you (nor anyone!) spend any time in his presence, not before he receives some heavy duty professional help. I am worried about you, Zeeza!!!

anita

Dear Zeeza:

On Aug 24, 2021, you wrote: “I don’t know how to be single. In my mind it’s like I am always looking for someone I could crush on. But I think being single for a while could help me build immunity to bullies. I don’t know if it is being single that is hard for me or just not having a controlling personality in my life…It’s like I need to somehow not give that much power away or become blind to it. Here’s to new beginnings”-

– You wrote this before you met your current boyfriend.  A year+ later, you are currently giving that much power away to yet another man, another controlling personality (your current boyfriend), who bullies you and you are partly blind to it.

Soon after the above, you were away from your thread, traveling in your van for 2 months and a week. Back to your thread on Nov 2, 2021: “On my adventure I met someone new to date who is very kind… we took things slowly for a month and now it’s been two months”- you met your current boyfriend about one week after your Aug 24 post where you expressed an intent to have new beginnings as a single woman.

On the same post, same day, two months after meeting him while travelling, you referred to him as your “new future hubby“.

“He is s programmer and his family moved here from turkey so he speaks two languages and he is 10 years older than me but he is so kind respectful and smart“- you were definitely crushing on him (“I am always looking for someone I could crush on“, you wrote back in Aug 24, before you met him).

“I just feel lost trying to find home or create it“, you wrote, Nov 2, 2021. You were feeling lost and you were trying hard to find and create a home with your new boyfriend. At the time, you had a small studio apartment in Seattle, Washington,  and your new crush lived near San Francisco (Bay Area), California.

The day after, Nov 3, 2021, you wrote about creating a home with your new boyfriend: “I want to move to California. I found a cute cottage that is the same price as the Seattle place“, but your new boyfriend who lived with his elderly parents wanted to travel with you but not to move in with you. He didn’t want to spend the money.

Nov 5, you wrote: “oh yes California is magical right now..  future hubby gave me a mini fire extinguisher for my car…it’s lot of fun my boyfriend flies drones when we visit places so you can get an aerial view of the sunset or mountains it is such a fun idea.… his parents are very kind… future hubby is very kind we were looking into different power options for living on the road”.

Nov 11: “I stressed myself too much looking to rent a place near his parents’ house, it’s all way too expensive and pandemic wise, was looking for something in the woods. I just don’t want to be apart… I don’t want to have to jump through a million hoops to be with him… He took a break from drinking but the other night he drank too much it made him sick the next day“- this is the first time that you mentioned his trouble with alcohol.

Nov 15: “My bf was drunk and he really wanted to go to a farm to see friends and I could drive…we load everything up and my van won’t start. He starts in a frustrating tone.. then said everything I am saying is bulls***… and then said to shut the f***up. And that was when I couldn’t see road anymore from crying…When he was sober the next day and finally slept enough, we talked… I told him we should never talk to each other like that it is scary and he agreed and said sorry”.

At first, you shared that he is 10 years older than you. Later you shared that he is 16 years older than you. I asked you which is it, and you answered on Nov 16: “Yes it is 16 years… I am close to 30 and he is early 40s“.

* From previous communication, I know that you will be 30 years old January 2023, which means that he is or will be 46 this coming January.

You shared  more about him: “He never really completely got out of lock down mode. He wears a mask around his friends. He orders everything deliver and getting him inspired to leave the house is hard..  last night I made my own space with music in the van. He came to join me to pass out. I told him how I don’t feel loved because how can you scream at people you love and respect?…I think he is selfish and he admits to me how he is a pirate. He calls for refunds all the time, or if any service is not perfect he will call to get a discount or a refund. He is obsessed with cryptocurrency or bitcoin and spends a lot of money investing in that…He has told me stories about how another relationship didn’t work out when they lived together or that he has a track record of things not working out… He said he is sorry for being an ass and he feels bad for yelling at me.. My theory is that he is so use to a narrative of the world trying to pull one over on him that he has an excuse to say and do however” (Nov 16, 2021).

Nov 23-24, 2021: “I also am starting to think he drinks too much so I can’t trust him to remember to do what he says he will, or call him when I am scared… I wonder why am I not scared? I feel like after all I have gone through I am surprised I can keep trusting… keep trusting in regards to opening my heart and hoping I won’t be abandoned, that this time I will have homebase to celebrate life with .. he is saying he just doesn’t want to rush things”.

Nov 27: “I realized today why I was so confused was because there are two version of him. The sober one and the drunk one. The drunk version wants to live with me and the sober version wants to move the relationship very slowly. So that explains why I Feel like I have an emotional whiplash and he doesn’t remember”.

Nov 28: “You are 2nd person to say this is not good like not a relationship to continue. But I really don’t want to end things.. I am just not ready to give up… I don’t understand why it went from so beautiful and respectful and kind to distant and fearful. I want to go back to trust land…I really wanted out happy ending… I don’t want to let him go… I just really wanted to get married to feel like I have a sense of home“.

Dec 4, 2021: “He was saying how he has a lot of anger…. and how he is trying to calm down. That he has calmed down a lot since his 20s. He use to get bullied a lot since he is into geeky things and looks foreign…  He sent me this song and it was sweet, the lyrics are ‘In spite of ourselves- We’ll end up sittin on a rainbow- Against all odds..'”

Dec 6: “feels like I am suspended in time waiting hoping that he will care as much as I care. That he will want to talk to me as much as I do. Past couple days has been bare minimum conversation… I want stability and long term security. Most people consider that to be money but for me it is a forever home“.

You posted again on Dec 11, 2021 and then no posts for 8 months. Aug 20, 2022: “I have wonderful news! Yesterday I graduated with my biochem degree! I travelled all the way down to the bottom of Baja and back to Seattle…”, no mention of a boyfriend. You posted again Aug 21, then nothing for 18 days and last post, Sept 8, 2022: “My boyfriend same boyfriend we talked about previously that I met a year ago had a mental health episode… he lost it. He burned… destroyed… punched things near me…I had bruises on my arms… He was threatening to slash tires and drag people on his art car….He eventually came out of psychosis… Even his friends told me he treats me like shit and yet I still don’t leave. Because he snaps out of it…. He doesn’t want me to talk to my friends because he thinks that it’s betrayal to him… To him he was treated like a 2nd class citizen by my friends. To me it was maybe a bipolar moment. His friends cried and were shocked too. So I wasn’t alone in it.”-

– those were your last words to date. I will follow this post with another by tomorrow, Sept 10, 2022.

anita

Dear Zeeza:

I didn’t know you posted 2.5 hours ago until just now (double posting), good to read you are safe. I will be able to read the rest of your post in a few hours, and will reply then.

anita

Dear Zeeza:

1) About his alcohol and drug use: you mentioned that he uses MDMA (aka Ecstasy, Molly): “I noticed a pattern though. The two nights he lost it he also took something called mdma)“. Earlier you shared that he drinks alcohol in access.

– nih, national institute on drug abuse/ mdma-ecstacy abuse: “While fatal overdoses on MDMA are rare, they can potentially be life threatening—with symptoms including high blood pressure (hypertension), faintness, panic attacks, and in severe cases, a loss of consciousness and seizures…

“Sleep disturbances, lack of appetite, concentration difficulties, depression, heart disease, and impulsivity have been associated with regular use of MDMA. In addition, heavy MDMA use over a 2-year period of time is associated with decreased cognitive function. Some of these disturbances may not be directly attributable to MDMA, but may be related to some of the other drugs often used in combination with MDMA, such as cocaine, alcohol, or marijuana”.

medical news today/ alcohol and molly, combining both: “According to the American Addiction Centers, taking both MDMA and alcohol together poses a more significant health risk than taking them individually… The long-term effects of taking MDMA and alcohol together can include: depression, insomnia, apathy, suicidal thoughts, severe anxiety and paranoia, organ damage”.

From what you shared, he is a very anxious and he is paranoid (as in unreasonably suspicious and mistrustful):  Nov 16, 2021: “he is so used to a narrative of the world trying to pull one over on him”, Sept 8, 2022: “He doesn’t want me to talk to my friends because he thinks that it’s betrayal to him“. Clearly, the side effects of using MDMA (alone or in combination with alcohol and other drugs),  such  as “panic attacks” and “severe anxiety and paranoia” are bad for him and for people around him.

2) About the concept of home, homebase,  and a forever home: soon after meeting him, you wanted to find and create a home with him: “I just feel lost trying to find home or create it.. I stressed myself too much looking to rent a place near his parents’ house.. I just don’t want to be apart… hoping I won’t be abandoned, that this time I will have homebase to celebrate life with.. I really wanted out happy ending… I just really wanted to get married to feel like I have a sense of home… I want stability and long term security. Most people consider that to be money but for me it is a forever home”, Nov-Dec 2021.

You’ve been feeling lost for a long, long time, ever since you were a child, so no wonder finding and creating a home forevermore is a very attractive concept, an addictive concept. He is addicted to alcohol and to MDMA perhaps, and you are addicted to… finding a home with him: the classic definition of co-dependency (we talked about codependency on your thread earlier).

You wrote 2 days ago (Sept 8): “Even his friends told me he treats me like sh** and yet I still don’t leave. Because he snaps out of it. I am noticing this is similar to my mom. Being loving and then snapping at things that don’t make sense“- every time he snaps out of his violent outbursts you become hopeful that he will remain calm and be loving to you because that’s what happened with your mother: she snapped then she was loving… so, you are stuck with him similarly to how you were stuck with your mother, living for the moments in between the times he snaps?

anita

Stigma around mental health conditions still persists, especially when it comes to the concept of violence.

In fact, a U.S. survey shows that up to 75% of the general population thinks that people with mental illness are violent.

The truth is that although there’s a link between bipolar disorder and an increased risk for aggression, the vast majority of people with bipolar disorder are not dangerous. In fact, people with mental health conditions are more likely to be the victims of other people’s violent actions.